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So what happens now?


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My ex (sometimes I still have a hard time calling her that) and I have been broken up now for about 6 weeks. We still see and talk to each other on a fairly regular basis, not daily but never more than a couple days. We spend the last week away on a trip, just the two of us for my birthday.

 

The reason we broke up is because she just wasn't sure what she wanted anymore. We talked about it last week, she does miss me, still cares about me. The problem is, she is trying to figure out if she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I guess things were starting to get serious, and though we never really talked about it, I just figured thats what direction we were headed in.

 

The trip was good, nothing too awkward. Actually everything felt like it used to be most of the time. She was calling me "babe" again like she used to, we slept on the same bed. In all that time alone together we had some good discussions about our relationship. Where things went wrong, where things are going, what might have been, what could be. BUT she still says she isn't ready to say she's my girlfriend again and at the same time doesn't want me missing out on any opportunities while she's trying to figure things out.

 

So what do I do now? I'm resistant to the idea of NC because we are so close as friends. We are communicating a lot better now about things than we ever did as a couple, so I think thats a step in the right direction.

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You need to take a step back... Infact you need to take a rather large step back..

 

She's telling you one think, showing you another. None of this adds up and you really should shield yourself before it gets harder and messy..

 

You guys are not together. You shouldn't be acting like it... Do you like were you two are in terms of your "relationship"? I certainly wouldn't care to go on a trip, and be with a girl who said she didn't know if she wanted to get really serious.

 

It kinda sounds like she's doing something, because women just don't end a good relationship because they are scared, or are unsure of the future..

 

I've been here, and done the same thing bud, the ending isn't fairytale, trust me.

 

I'd back away and see what happens and work on getting her off you mind.

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We are communicating a lot better now about things than we ever did as a couple, so I think thats a step in the right direction.

 

If you're willing to try again, keep communicating. Even if it doesn't work out, at least you'll know you tried. There's no need to make a decision immediately, is there?

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No, there isn't need to make a decision right away. She just needs time and thats all I can do is to give it to her, but a lot of the advice I've been getting is very much like the first reply.

She knows that i want to try again and work things out and there are days when she has doubts about breaking up with me in the first place. She's just so unsure of what she wants and I can't help her with it, its something she has to do on her own.

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My ex was the same way for a while. I got dragged along for about 6 months with her acting exactly the way you described. I wanted her back and I told her I wanted her back. It got to the point were I felt like I wasn't even acting myself around her because I was trying so hard to get her back.

 

Don't make the mistake I did, I wish that I had been more firm. Said no sex, no kisses, no trips, and just keep in contact as friends. I think I got dragged along because she liked having the security of me. She knew I needed her and she could have me on the days that she needed me most, and ignore when she didn't. So only give her what a friend would give her, no more. This way, you and her will see if she truly needs you as more than a friend, don't let her think you are totally committed, even if you are. It will take the pressure of a serious commitment off of her but will also force her to think about the possibility of you meeting another girl in the meantime. You should consider other girls in the meantime, just don't be a * * * * (definitely stay away from her friends)

 

I don't know what is happenning now in our relationship, she said she couldn't be in a relationship right now, been going NC for 1 week. Third time we broke up, could be for good this time, I really don't know. What I'm telling you to do is just what I would do if I could go back in time. I look back and I feel like a sucker for begging for her, even though I do want her back. I think begging/letting yourself be dragged along, is a turn off for girls, kinda desperate. Show her some strength, actually be strong about it.

 

You need to believe that if things are meant to work out, they will, if things aren't, they won't. No matter what, you will be happy in the end.

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I'm with Q-Ball.. Infact I did the same thing for close to 9 months. I even did it while having a girlfriend.

 

Sure it's wrong, and even without a girlfriend, I feel it was wrong of me to lay myself down like I did..

 

All in all, it comes down to being used to a degree... Why do you have to suffer, and feel this way and act this way, when in the scheme of it all she's getting all the same things she used to without a relationship from you.. Only she's free to do as she wants.

 

It's a fragile middle ground most aren't really wanting to walk in.

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Ok, its taken me a couple days but I think I'm finally opening my eyes to this situation. I've put far too much into this and for the most part gotten nothing back. So i've decided to take a big step back and well, just be friends. Maybe even less than that, I always told her I didn't believe in being friends with an ex. Not right away anyways, months or years down the road there is the opportunity when everyone has healed. I may just make myself scarce and be nothing more than an acquaintance to her at this point.

 

its taken me a while, but i finally feel like i'm starting to make some progress.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey Jizzy!

thanks for stopping by, i've been a bit lazy in keeping up to date on my posts. been lurking and keeping up to date on your posts, but not posting a lot lately.

 

Since my last post we did take some time apart and this weekend we got together for a mutual friend's birthday and had some nice conversation. I spent the better part of Sunday with her organizing pictures from her trip to Europe last year. Things are definitely looking a bit more positive, but I have drawn some pretty clear boundaries for myself. No more relationship talk, or at least i'm not going to bring it up. I think its helped me quite a bit, I've had a lot of time to reflect and rethink if this is really what I want. And now we are just each doing our own respective things.

 

We do have plans for dinner on valentine's day, well I had made reservations a while back and forgotten about them. But when we were talking at the birthday party on the weekend she mentioned wanted to get together for dinner sometime this week. Her only stipulation was that it not be Valentine's day, but for the simple fact that it would have been impossible to get a table at a decent restaurant unless we had reservations. So I won't have to cancel the reservations, like I had originally planned last week. We're still not dating, but we are definitely closer now.

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Dude Im going through the exactly same thing right now. One minute my girlfriend (at the moment anyway...) is telling me she want to move in with me, how much she loves me, flirting, having fun even that she wants to have my children and get a house together (we are 22 btw). Last week we were getting along so well and then its suddenly she is telling me she is not sure she want to go out with me anymore, that she thinks everything is set in stone with us! She is overseas at the moment and we had a big chat today on the phone. She doesent know what she wants either. The only way, as the other posts have said, is to let her know what she is missing. Dont chase her she should be chasing you! If things are going ok now I think its best to go NC and not talk for a few months, and if it is meant to be she will come back. Give each other space. Otherwise you will just exhaust each other. If you act now it has more chance you will get back together. Its the hardest thing to do I know-Im going to have to do it, but it will just cause a load of pain otherwise.....

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robinn,

 

I'd tread easy on your situation. It sounds like she's backing out on you the easy way. I've been there, TRUST ME!

 

Be strong with it.

 

wishiknew,

 

Sounds good man. I'd just be sure you keep yourself in check during all of this and don't let your mind float away to what you wish was taking place..

 

But the fact your line of communication is open is great.

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