Letter to your ex

[kekep]

Is it generally a bad idea to write a letter to your ex? Lately I've been feeling this overwhelming urge to write a letter to him that would basically say "I loved you, I would have done anything to make this work, and I'm sorry you don't feel the same way." But is doing this just showing him that I don't want to let the relationship go?

 

Maybe it's just that I never had a formal closure with him. Any thoughts?

[Iceman26]

Maybe you should write the letter, but just not send it.

 

It might help to just get it all out on paper for yourself, but not for his benefit.

[hockeyboy]

I've written so many of these letters...but have not sent them. I've read them myself or posted them on here or have someone on here read them...but in the end I never sent them because I knew it would do me no good.

 

I complelty understand you feeling of not getting closure, but this probably will not help those feelings.

 

The girl I was seeing for example has suddenly just completely ignored me, even though she strongly insisted on being friends. I badly want to say something to her and wrote a letter to her as recently as last night. However, I know she will read it and do nothing but think I'm weak, so instead I chose to just completely ignore her back.

 

It sucks, but I've given letters to ex's in the past and in the end I always regretted it.

[Ash]

Do you want to let the relationship go? Sometimes this is a way people try to get back together. If you do want to or have let it go then it's likely a good idea to get accross that concept in your letter.

 

If you do send it (and really, only you can decide whether you should, and consider carefully how it will make you feel if you do send it) then it's very possible you will get no response, or a potentially negative response. If you're sending it for closure and expect something back from him to give you that closure, you might not get it. If you're sending it and the simply fact that you've sent it will give you closure then it's likely worthwhile. In that case, let him know you aren't looking for any kind of response.

[isidore]

Hockeyboy, what you're saying is very true. I mean, what's the best possible outcome of sending a letter like this? It doesn't give closure; actually it can rip open the wound and really get a person dwelling on the break-up again.

Kekep, I've found that writing about it does help, but I'm not so sure that actually sending what you've written to a person who you are no longer with is such a good idea. The great benefit of writing (but not sending) is that you can look back on what you've written and see how you were feeling, and hopefully see that you're moving on and getting better.

[Dako]

It's often considered therapeutic to write a closure/good riddance/FU letter and not send it, but I think it's more helpful to skip the whole exercise and go for a walk or cook a good meal.

 

Everything you do regarding your ex is stealing from your future.

Look how many folks here look at the ex's facebook/myspace or pump friends for info about the former mate.

 

Communicating with him isn't closure, it's reopening a wound.

[kekep]

Thank you all for your replies. I know deep down in my heart that it will hurt if he doesn't respond, which is likely. I feel like I have given him that opportunity one too many times, so if I do write a letter, I will keep it for myself.

 

Also, it would serve no other purpose than to try and fill him with guilt for hurting me badly, but that does not benefit either us.

[friscodj]

Well, this is a very debatable topic, one close to my heart, dependent on the situation and the motivation I think.

 

I have both written and not written, received and not received many such letters, sent them, not sent them, stopped halfway, turned it into a mini-journal, etc., etc., etc.

 

I think if you are doing this for yourself, to cleanse your soul of the situation, with the hopes of finishing some perceived unfinished business with the situation, do what you gotta do. If you are doing this from the perspective of the other person, e.g., want to lay a guilt trip on them, as you stated, I suggest you keep whatever you write, if you write, to yourself. As long as motivation for your actions comes from the other person, you are not going to get anywhere productive anytime soon.

 

I think writing is a good escape and can be a good friend to you in times like this. Write letters, poetry, whatever, as long as you are getting the toxins out of your system and onto paper. Better to put them onto paper than keeping them inside to fester.

 

I've kept such writings around a while, read them to myself, exposed myself to deeper realizations of the situation in doing such, did hurt a little more but avoided hiding truths about the situation I needed to realize and face.

 

Then after a time, I got tired of seeing them around the house, tired of thinking about it, and threw them all away. Liberation from the situation seemed to follow suit rather quickly after that.

 

So do what you really feel you need to do for you in situations like this.

[Ash]

Also, it would serve no other purpose than to try and fill him with guilt for hurting me badly, but that does not benefit either us.

 

That's very true, and it takes a lot of understanding and a thoughful and compassionate person to realize and be able to say that. Sometimes things are better left unsaid or unwritten and I hope you feel better for realizing that prolonging or causing more hurt for either yourself or him is not healthy.

 

It sounds like it's a good thing you started this thread to discuss it. It's part of the healing process too, being able to see things a little more objectively as you let go of them a bit. The feelings will always remain, and perhaps so will some of the hurt. To move past it though means the fault and blame need to be shelved and forgotten.

[Orlander]

Yes, leave the past in the past. KeKep, write the letter and post it here. We'll read it. Orlander

[betrayedgirl]

I did the same and posted the letter here ... it was very theraputic to write it out.. get all your anger, feelings, etc out on paper ...

 

It won't do you any good to mail it as he may not respond. See one of my threads about it.

[friscodj]

Yes indeed. Here's a letter I wrote last year regarding a break up:

 

 

 

I seemed to have turned a corner with the healing process after writing this and I was amazed at how many other people it helped. I was floored by the responses.

 

So post your letter here, should you write one, and I bet it helps someone else out too.

[Steelergal]

It's funny that I finally got the chance to log back on here after a few weeks as I've been out of town and this popped right out at me.

 

I had a very rough day emotionally....I signed the separation agreement in front of a notary today and it completely tore me apart. I came home and wrote a 4 page letter to my husband as a good-bye and have been debating whether or not to send it for closure. I do not even want a response from him; I just want him to know how I feel about the crap he did to me. It is much too long to post here though!

 

I just feel like I want him to know that I have finally realized that I am a great person, I was a wonderful wife, and that I am NOT to blame for him having an affair and breaking our wedding vows in so many ways. He has put the blame on me for months and I was believing his lies and manipulation for all of this time. I want him to know that he was wrong on so many levels for the things that he did and it is ridiculous for him to keep pointing the finger at me. I may have not been perfect but I did NOT cause our marriage to end. He did that all on his own.

 

I guess saying those things to him just seems freeing to me in some way. Hmmmm.....

[friscodj]

It is much too long to post here though!

 

Post it...I'll read it...