A Question

[broman23]

So I've just gotten out of a relationship as of this last weekend. I don't want to make it sound like me and her have been dating for a long time and that it was super serious because it wasn't. We had been dating for about 5.5 months and recently we had hit a point in the relationship where there was just a "tension" between us. On the phone and even when we were with eachother we could both feel this tension. We both addressed it and acknowledged that it was there about 2 weeks ago and we went through some small stuff that bugged eachother, but we never really addressed the issue. So this last weekend we had a talk and she broke up with me. I said that I still had feelings for her and was willing to work things out. There was kinda a silence and I asked what she wants? and what was the source of the tension. She said this: "I don't know what it is, but it can't be fixed." What does that mean? I asked if she still had feelings for me and she says sometimes yes, so I pushed harder for a definitive yes or no and she couldn't look me in the eyes and say either. Eventually she just said no, but was looking away. After this we talked for a long time and basically addressed all the things that was wrong with our relationship and she left. I had a family problem that same night and found out about it at like 1 in the morning. I texted her because I didn't have anyone else to go to. She calls the next day and asks about stuff and then I ask a couple more questions.

 

The first concerns a week ago I said I was worried that things might not work out a week ago with the start of the new school semester. She reassured me that everything would be fine. So I asked "why she would say that....did she mean it?" and she says "yes she wanted things to work out a week ago."

 

A week and a half ago we for a lack of better terms were intimate with eachother. So i'm like " DO you really feel nothing for me when a 8 days ago we were messing around?" How do you go from that to feeling nothing? And I got a no answer.

 

The last question was then "If you wanted to work stuff out a week ago why aren't we trying to work this stuff out now?" And I get the "I don't have all the answers now, I just need time to think. I'll call you in a couple weeks."

 

I mean honestly what is going on? I guess I'm pissed that she's not willing to work things out. I mean why would she say she wants things to work a week ago and then do a complete 180 and say that she doesn't now????

 

Also if whatever IT is can't be worked out then what the hell is it??? Like you can't just say "I don't know, it can't be worked out can you??"

 

I'm just mad, confused, and I find myself just waiting for a call so I can at least get a sense of closure....I've decided to try to move on, but honestly this whole unknown thing that is the cause of us breaking up is eating me inside. I just don't get how things changed so quickly....

[chai714]

I understand that you're trying to make sense of the whole situation, how she can go from hot to cold seemingly in a matter of days.

 

If it helps, keep a journal of your thoughts, questions, feelings, etc. I doubt she will answer your questions right now because she will likely become defensive. She won't want to have to defend or justify specific reasons - especially to you. There could be other reasons. Time will clear up some of the questions you have but not all of them. There are just some things you'll never be able to figure out but you'll have to accept.

 

For now, don't contact her. Focus on healing up.

[Meow18]

The first thing you need to do is stop questioning her. She's confused. A couple of weeks ago, she wasn't sure how she felt about the relationship, but she was still willing to get past it and still be with you and care about you.

 

But yes, in a week, somebody can realize that they want better. If something is so stressful, it can change your mind about things. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with you, but there might be something wrong with you and her together.

 

I think that the mistake you both made was not bringing these issues up sooner and working through them sooner. I think you both felt that it was just something the relationship would get over on it's own, but instead it just got worse.

 

I understand that you have a lot of questions that have been left unanswered, but I just don't think she even knows the answers right now. She doesn't know why last week she wanted to work it out, but this week she doesn't feel the motivation. Or why she wanted to be intimate with you 8 days ago and today she doesn't want to be with you at all.

 

I really think she is confused though and with space she will get her feelings straight.

[Hope75]

Hi There and Welcome to Enotalone!

 

My guess is a week ago she was still struggling with her feelings (or lack of) and wondering if time and effort would change them.

 

I know I dated a guy for a few months a while back and he was a pretty nice guy. Good looking, treated me kindly, smart, good career, funny, family oriented, etc, but I just didn't feel it with him. I really tried to force myself- he was a good person and would make a nice partner for someone, but the chemistry just wasn't there for me, and it wasn't anything that he did- it was just me. So I did end up breaking it off, but we were intimate too and I hoped/wondered if that would change anything for me and it didn't.

 

I'm not saying that is what she is feeling, but if you are a god guy but she just isn't feeling it, that is a difficult thing to accept and maybe just now she is finally accepting it.

 

Anyway, it's an idea of what might have happened, no one really knows for sure except her, (and I wonder if she even really knows)... but Chai is right- your best bet is to assume the relationship is over and do your best to get past it.

 

When a person is right for you and wants to be with you there aren't any doubts.

[broman23]

Thanks for the opinions. I'm not contacting her until she contacts me. That's just something that I refuse to do because I understand that she needs space. And I know that not bringing these issues up sooner is probably what killed us. That's something that I'll have to deal with forever and something that I won't let happen again.

 

I'm accepting that the relationship is more than likely over. If in a few weeks she contacts me saying we should try things out, I'll then need to analyze how I feel about her again.

 

I don't have any more questions other than the ones she couldn't answer, but I'm hoping she can eventually answer those for me someday. In the mean time I guess I'm going to attempt to move on and start the healing process. And then hopefully in the coming weeks I hear from her again and I'm able to get my sense of closure and maybe remain friends. But thanks for the helpful stuff. I sort of came to these conclusions on my own, but it really helps to hear other people say them too.

[broman23]

This is my first official day without contact and I admit it's hard. Facebook is killer, just seeing the stupid news feed saying she is now single was an emotional blow for me.......as silly and stupid as it sounds. I've used friends so far to keep me busy as well as my studies to keep me from even thinking about contacting her. Is there any advice on other stuff that I could do to just keep my mind off of her so I dont' do something stupid like talk to her before she's ready?

[evening_light]

Is there any advice on other stuff that I could do to just keep my mind off of her so I dont' do something stupid like talk to her before she's ready?

 

Sometimes when we say "nothing", we don't have to worry about what was "said".....