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Hi everyone.

 

I have posted here a couple of times concerning my boyfriend and two occurrences we have had in our relationship with him being less than honest with me concerning other women (I will never know to what extent he carried through with them on a physical level, nor do I really want to at this point). He also admitted he was less than honest with his ex-wife .... dating other women when they were suppose to be working on their marital issues. Of course .... this all gave me tremendous 'cause for pause' ... but I have proceeded forward with him, albeit cautiously, because I truly believe we love each other .... and some of this 'baggage' between us and within ourselves individually could be worked on .

 

Yes, I have been told on numerous occasions ... I should dump the guy and move on with my life. BUT ... and I'm hoping some people here can understand this .... I DO LOVE HIM (hate the sin but love the sinner kinda thing)! My heart ... my poor heart .... just can't seem to let go of him .... the good part of 'us' ... and the pure and simple hope that things can get better. I have never doubted .... that he loves me too. I just think he has a problem .... one rooted in self esteem issues .... that causes him to seek validation and affirmation from these other women.

 

For reasons beyond our control ... since this all broke out between us (about six weeks ago) .... we have not been able to attend more than one counseling session together. It was brief and basically just a lot of history was exchanged ... no real couple work was started. I have been on the fence .... teetering .... regarding a decision to move forward and attempt to work on this relationship (he claims he is totally committed to this .... he wants to spend his entire life with me) .... or should I end it.

 

There have been two 'red flags' for me since I found out he had cheated on me. Once, when I entered the room .... he immediately shut down an e-mail he was typing. IMMEDIATELY. I asked him right away about it ... and he acted somewhat squirrely .... saying it a work-related issue, changing his story a couple of times as to why he shut it right down. I told him it didn't sit well with me at all ... and I decided to let it lie until we got into counseling to discuss it further.

 

Then, two weeks later .... he started going to a site where you could play games (dominoes, scrabble, etc.) with people. I noticed that he played with a certain female on multiple occasions. I said nothing though .... as I didn't want to be jealous and controlling. One time though, when I entered the room and he was playing with her, I saw that he had just typed to her ... 'did I tell you my girlfriend and I got back together?'. I was livid. Yes .... we had been 'broken up' for a few days (it has been a rollercoaster of emotions for the both of us the last six weeks), but we had been back together for a while and I knew he had chatted/played with her during this time. I told him there were several things about this I did not like ..... #1. Given our history, why the heck would he 'hook up' with a single female to play with on this site?? ..... #2. If you are just playing word games with people on this site, why are you telling them of your relationship woes?? (I had played many times on this site with many people and I never chatted about my relationship status)..... and ...... #3. Why did he tell her this information about us just as I walked in the room and could see what he was doing? I found the timing a bit too convenient for my liking. He claimed it was all innocent and I should not be upset. I asked him if he had given her his private e-mail ... and he said no. I asked him if he had shared a picture of himself with her .... and again, he said no. After pushing a bit more, he did admit that he had shared his picture, and he only lied to me initially about it because he thought I would be upset. I told him he had to be an idiot to think that would not push a few buttons in me (he cheated on me using the internet .... meeting people off dating sites, etc., so the computer is a 'hot button' for me).

 

Back to the advice I seek. We finally have our second counseling session scheduled for tonight. I spoke to the counselor late last week. She is a very direct, strong and forthright individual. I discussed with her more of what was going on between me and my boyfriend ... and she feels it's time for me to make a decision about this relationship. Do I stay or do I go? (She feels, once she heard a bit more of our story from me than she got in the first session, that there is definitely some unhealthy behavior occurring.)

 

I am struggling so .... feeling like it's a do-or-die situation tonight. She wants me to attend with him, ready to lay it all out there ..... my concerns and my underlying gut feeling that I will NEVER trust this guy again ... and be prepared to possibly end this relationship right there on the spot. My boyfriend has heard all of this from me .... but he is so positive that we can work this out ... he is 100% committed to moving forward (he gets very upset when I tell him I have doubts and concerns ... and views my hesitations as a lack of love for him or committment to us as a couple).

 

Can relationships truly emerge from this? How do two people build the trust back up? Are there too many red flags ... and my love for this man is just making me discount them somehow or make me think I'm being too paranoid? I have no idea what he does on his computer .... and I don't want to spend my life looking over his shoulder or demanding his passwords, etc. I know I'm too close to this situation to always see clearly .... but I also realize this is not about deciding what to have for dinner .... it is about a man that I love and care deeply for.

 

Any opinions on how I should handle the session tonight .... or what I am still seeing occur in our relationship?

 

Thanks so much .... the clock is ticking towards the 6 o'clock hour here ... and I am feeling quite panicky!

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Any opinions on how I should handle the session tonight .... or what I am still seeing occur in our relationship?

 

Ordinarily I would tell you to dump a cheater, but since you are having counseling, what I would suggest is to go with an open mind.

 

I think what you really need to do is focus on what is good for YOU. Hopefully you will realize that you deserve better than someone who treats you this way.

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Tabby,

 

I am a big believer in "love can overcome anything". Maybe for my own sake as much as anything. However, I do believe that love cannot do it on its own. It takes two people working together to overcome problems in a relationship. Without both partners being able to openly address the concerns and honestly apply themselves to a solution, any resolution is more likely to be an illusion than anything else.

 

I have seen a lot of friends and family so blinded by their own love that they could not see (even though everyone else could) how their partners were just taking advantage of their love.

 

I won't even pretend to know if you should stay or go. However, I hope that you can take a step back from the emotions and look at what your boyfriend is doing to address your concerns. Does he seem sincere in regret that his actions are hurting you? Does he seem willing to change his behaviours to address your concerns? Do you feel he is being open and honest with you and your therapist?

 

The questions that matter to you, may be different of course. Still I think that you should figure out what is important to you and challenge him tonight to show you how he is meeting or working to meet those needs.

 

Good Luck!!

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I'm sorry to say this, and it might sound like a very pre-mature judgement, but... he's playing you, plain and simple.

 

Way too many red flags, for sure. He's being deceptive, and hiding information from you; giving a picture to a girl over the internet? Lying about an email? I mean... come on now.

 

Strong emotional attachment can easily blind or push away logical thoughts, because you do not want to hurt your own feelings by realizing the truth; and the truth usually hurts when it comes to someone you've built so much upon, to only see that they've not put in nearly as much as you have. Now he's looking elsewhere...

 

In love is respect. That also goes for yourself! Love yourself, and thus respect yourself. If you respect yourself enough, you'll rightly acknowledge the wrong this man is doing to you, and put your foot down once and for all.

 

In love is righteous anger! You have a right to be angry with this man (just don't get out of control, of course). If you love yourself, you'll let that anger fight off those emotions that've been built up over time, on someone that, in truth, didn't deserve them! You've built your house on his land, and he's made the place a mess! It's about time you tear it down, and move out.

 

I just commented on this very subject in another thread. Would I trust someone that admitted to cheating on their last partner? Heck no. Too risky. Someone that commits a crime, is usually a repeat-offender! The saying "Once a cheat, always a cheat" is said with much backing. I've used it, but I do admit there're exceptions out there that really do learn from their wrongful past; however, they're extremely rare, at least from what I've seen, and heard of, personally.

 

Even if he begs, pleads and cries... that means nothing. Actions speak louder than words; and his actions seem very wrong, from what you've let us know thus far.

 

You've got to overcome your emotions for this man. Build the foundation within yourself now; a foundation of self-respect. Once you love and respect yourself enough, you'll have the defense strong enough to fight those feelings; the feelings of caring for your partner that has plainly mistreated you.

 

In love is truth! You must let truth overcome emotions for this person that has not loved you nearly as much as you've loved him. Again, it's time for you to now love yourself!

 

Love yourself, by not putting up with such disrespect. Right now, it's even logical to question all of the "nice things" your partner did to you in the past, and how nice he acted (key word: acted) toward you... as mostly all fake or not really meant from the heart! Or else if they were true, then he'd have not cheated on you!

 

Someone said he might have self-esteem issues? That's besides the point, however. If he did, but truly loved you, he'd come clean and speak with you about it (again, in love is truth); and even seek counseling about it. But, that is no excuse for seeking the aproval from another woman while he's in a committed relationship!

 

This is where you must love only those that truly love you! This man does not truly love you! Whatever he's doing, like this counseling, I'd bet is just to attempt to satisfy you for the time being, and he'll be back to his ways in no time at all.

 

In a relationship, trust is extremely important; as you said yourself, you don't think you'll ever be able to trust him again; that's exactly what's going to happen. You're always going to wonder whether he's doing it again. This is not a healthy foundation to build emotions upon.

 

Cheating is the ultimate relationship crime. It will destroy almost all trust you have for someone.

 

Love isn't just a word, but an action; as said before, actions speak louder than words.

 

So, in conclusion, I'd say to respectfully let him go.

 

All of this is just my extremely strong opinion! It is just my opinion after all! You obviously have the right to strongly disagree with it, and disregard it altogether, if you so choose.

 

I hope you come out a stronger person because of this, whatever the end will be for you.

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