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Help me... please?

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So "M" and I have been together for a while now, but recently I've been having intense feelings for one of my very close friends. I told him about it and he completely flipped out, which is understandable given the situation. I told him that I was confused and didn't know what to do, and he asked that we not talk until I had made up my mind, however, he has called me at least three times since he told me that 2 days ago. I really do love him and I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have by telling him, but I just don't know what to do. My feelings for my friend are so strong that it's almost overwhelming, but I don't want to break it off with "M" just on a whim, although i know it's so much more than that. I'm going crazy trying to decide what to do, I had a nervous breakdown on the phone with him while we were discussing what I should do, and now he feels like he needs to compromise so that I'll be relatively stable. I feel so dirty and manipulative, I love him, I don't want him to compromise himself and his integrity just because I'm being indecisive. I don't know what to do, can someone please help me?

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Hi there, Roxursox,


Welcome to ENA.


I do understand what you are saying about not wishing to let "M" go on a whim; BUT are you certain that your feelings for your close friend is nothing but a whim?


You say in your original post that your feelings for your friend are very intense and that you love your friend; in fact, your post appears to be more about your friend and your concerns about where you stand with him, rather than about your relationship with "M."


Just my two cents, but I do feel as though it might be best to let "M" go at this juncture. Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear but, in my humble opinion, this seems to be the right thing to do.


Sorry if I am overstepping my bounds by pointing these out but if I may:


One, if your friend chooses to be with you, do you plan to end things with "M"? If so, it would be better to end things now with "M" BEFORE you begin your relationship with your friend, IMO.

Two, if your friend chooses NOT to be with you, aren't you kind of settling for "M" instead of this friend, whom it seems like you wish to be with more?


Even if things don't pan out b/t you and your friend, I do think it might be best if you do take some time to think about your relationship with M; M might be a great person but perhaps he's not the right person for you?


What do you think?


Good luck whatever your decision is.

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Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it. I can't exactly say what I'm going to do at this point, but I'm considering just breaking it off with him, I don't think he deserves to be led on, he means too much to me for me to do that to him. I just hope that he can understand that I do love him, just not as romantically as I once thought.

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Hey again,


That's great that you are sensitive to your current bf's feelings and are making a genuine attempt to make the breakup as gentle as possible for him.


I'm probably saying what you already know but it might be best NOT to go into too much detail about the reason for the breakup (esp. about "M") ...


Hey, make sure you take care of YOURSELF too, okay?




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Well, it turns out he broke up with me yesterday. After all he said about being there when I needed him, I guess the nervous breakdown was too much for him because he gave me the " I can't give you what you need" line. It's okay though. Since then my friend has been acting significantly more... interested. Again, thanks for all of your help.

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Hey there,

I am sorry to hear of your breakup

Well, this is cliche, I know, but perhaps it's for the best. Now you can focus on your relationship w/ your friend.


One caveat: please do make sure you take time to heal from your recent relationship so that your relationship w/ your friend does not become a rebound ...


Good luck.

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If you are going to break it off with your current BF, break it off and tell him EXACTLY why and don't give him any hope of the two of you reconciling. Don't lead him on and don't DARE see the other guy behind his back.


Be prepared for him to not want to speak to you again, and to want to beat up your friend for allowing this to happen knowing full well you were already spoken for.

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