Jump to content

Please Help Me With My Expectations


needsomehelp
 Share

Recommended Posts

I think, that when two people are in a relationship, that they should be focused on making the other person feel good.

 

Right or wrong?

 

 

When someone communicates their needs, the other person should try to meet those needs.

 

Right or wrong?

 

 

Please answer those two first, then consider the following.

 

When I'm sick or not feeling well, he gets mad that I am not being nice to him. I don't mistreat him. I'm just less responsive.

 

In a healthy relationship, shouldn't he be trying to make me feel better instead of making the issue about him?

 

It's frustrating to me - because that's when I need him to help me and be there for me. Instead, I feel like I'm being attacked when I need help. The entire conversation is always about me not being as attentive as I should be. So, I already feel bad because I'm sick, then I have to defend feeling bad. Then, I'm a little angry that I'm the one who was sick and needed help, and then it somehow becomes all about him.

 

I've communicated that several times. It always ends up in a fight that was my fault for bringing the issue up.

 

I've said "I want to do everything you want, and give you everything you need." "I want to be treated well in return." We still wind up a few paragraphs above.

 

What do you make of that?

 

Also, I come from two happily married parents. He comes from a single parent home with a bad relationship with his mother. Does that make a difference?

 

Advice? I want it to work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

looking at you post ou sound like you are seting yourself up for a co-dependent relationship.

 

To some extent both answers are true and both nswers are false.

It is a balance. In the end of the day, you have to know what YOU need and want in a relationship. It isnt totally LIVING for someone else.

If your needs are not met then maybe the relationship that you arein is not the right relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've said "I want to do everything you want, and give you everything you need." "I want to be treated well in return." We still wind up a few paragraphs above.

 

What do you make of that?

 

I don't think that's healthy, the doing everything you want and give you everything you need. I think it's about being together, loving each other and SUPPORTING each other, but not doing that. There is something in the phrasing that slightly jarred me, to be honest.

 

I'm sorry you don't feel good - but I think your relationship sounds intense and a bit hot house. I don't think a relationship is about devoting yourself to someone else's happiness as such - I don't think you can MAKE someone happy or not, and you can kill yourself trying to achieve that.

 

Maybe you guys need to speak to a third person about your problems? Because there seems to be a lot of giving and expectations in your post.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

no one is responsible for anyone else's happiness, though we can contribute to them being happy... couples should treat each other with respect, consideration, willingness to help, etc., but it is NOT your responsibility to be Miss Sunshine every minute of your life so that he can take his own mood off of yours.

 

You will sometimes need more (like when sick) and he should be willing to help you and put aside any trivial needs he has for the time you are sick to help you.

 

Your situation is a bit upsetting because the way he is acting, he is expecting you to be his Mommy, because Mommy never needs anything, and always takes care of Baby, even if she is sick! and Baby gets afraid and angry if Mommy isn't acting cheerful and not always catering to him. and terrifying if Mommy shows any weakness or actually needs anythign from Baby...

 

in a healthy relationship, there is give and take... sometimes you need more, and sometimes he needs more, and the couple is able to trade off and negotiate to be happy... one can't give someone everything they want all the time, but it should be a healthy give and take where each partner tries to provide a situation where both people get as many of their needs met as possible...

 

so in your case, it sounds like he does NOT ever want to be in the caretaker role, and he feels that you should always be strong and ever ready to give him what he wants, even if you are ill and in a situation where normally he should be caretaking you, i.e., bringing your soup, tissues, leaving you alone and not making demands on you until you are better.

 

So i think this is a potentially loaded scenario for you, where he is very immature and trying to put you in the role of being the perpetually available Mommy figure to make him feel happy and better and take care of him... and he obviously does not think you should need anything from him or be 'weak' and unable to provide him with emotional noogies every time he wants them...

 

depending on your age and the situation (length of time together, children, etc.), i would either consider couples counseling, or else tell him very openly that sometimes you will be sick and need something, and are NOT here to be his happy Mommy every minute of every day...

 

and try to make sure you stop acting like his mommy and see if he steps up to the plate and starts helping you and treating you as an equal. if not, hit the road and don't look back, unless you want a 30, 40, 50, 60 etc. year old baby on your hands for the rest of your life. it really is disturbing that he can't even help you when you're sick, or acts like you are failing him somehow just because you are ill and can't pay constant attention to him.

 

if this is a new relationship, or you are very young, i'd just leave...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am focused on the other person's best interests but without sacrificing my values and standards. So, if I feel someone is being too needy, my acting in his self interest might be to administer some "tough love" rather than taking part in that person's pity party. The pity party person might feel I am not focused on his needs because he needs to whine or vent, but if I give in every time and listen to the whining, then I will ultimately be doing a disservice to that person's need to be independent and take care of himself. Obviously it's always a judgment call but to presume that focusing on the other person "feeling good" is a cut and dry exercise is not accurate in my opinion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think, that when two people are in a relationship, that they should be focused on making the other person feel good.

 

Right or wrong?

 

Partly right and partly wrong. If you love someone, you will want them to be happy, and you will do things to help them be so. However, making you happy is not, cannot, and should not, be the only priority in the other person's life. There are times when they will have their focus necessarily somewhere else, or their own needs that require attention in some way.

 

It's natural to believe that when you want or need something from someone, and they can't give it to you, that they're neglecting your needs or being unfair to you in some way, but at that time you also have to ask if it's fair or reasonable that they should in their particular circumstances at the time. That can be a very hard thing to judge accurately, and involves knowing someone well and being able to temporarily leave aside your own feelings in the judgment, but it's invaluable.

 

When someone communicates their needs, the other person should try to meet those needs.

 

Right or wrong?

 

Again, partly right and partly wrong for the reasons given above.

 

Please answer those two first, then consider the following.

 

When I'm sick or not feeling well, he gets mad that I am not being nice to him. I don't mistreat him. I'm just less responsive.

 

In a healthy relationship, shouldn't he be trying to make me feel better instead of making the issue about him?

 

That depends on the individuals and the relationship, is the short answer. On the face of it, yes if you're ill you would think it's fair for him to look after you, and you might expect that he would want to. I would certainly look after my gf if she was ill, and be happy to do so.

 

On the other hand, let me play devil's advocate and ask why, if it's not his fault that you're ill, would you expect him to not react to being treated worse than usual? And does he treat you worse than usual, and expect you not to react, when he's ill? Or is he still nice to you?

 

What I'm getting at here, is that different people have different ideas of what is "fair" or "reasonable" behaviour, and your behaviour to him when you're ill may look unfair and unreasonable, leading to his reaction. I'm certainly not saying he's right to think that, but that could be what is in his mind when it happens. So often in relationships it's a case of "help me to help you"; if you can find a way to be slightly more attentive when you're ill, even if you're not as attentive as normal, then perhaps he can find a way to deal with the fact that you're not still as attentive as normal, and that he should accept you have good reason for this from your perspective.

 

It's frustrating to me - because that's when I need him to help me and be there for me. Instead, I feel like I'm being attacked when I need help. The entire conversation is always about me not being as attentive as I should be. So, I already feel bad because I'm sick, then I have to defend feeling bad. Then, I'm a little angry that I'm the one who was sick and needed help, and then it somehow becomes all about him.

 

I've communicated that several times. It always ends up in a fight that was my fault for bringing the issue up.

 

I've said "I want to do everything you want, and give you everything you need." "I want to be treated well in return." We still wind up a few paragraphs above.

 

What do you make of that?

 

Also, I come from two happily married parents. He comes from a single parent home with a bad relationship with his mother. Does that make a difference?

 

Advice? I want it to work.

 

Ask him what he thinks, if he thinks it's always about him. If he says always about you (and I've a suspicion that he might), try to look at it objectively, or failing that, get a fair third-party to look at it objectively, and even comment on it.

 

At the moment you have expectations that aren't being met, which is a problem, but I can tell you from experience that hammering the point home, or pushing someone to meet those expectation even though they don't think that they're reasonable, is very unlikely to work. You really need to sit down together, firstly acknowledge that there are feelings on your side, and possibly his as well, that aren't being addressed, and tell each other what you need from each other, and when, and see if you can take it from there.

 

But I'm serious: sometimes, and it's one of the toughest lessons of relationships as I've discovered, the other person really can't meet your needs for reasons of their own, which are legitimate at least from their perspective. Then you have to make a decision: can I live without this need being met, or do I have to find someone else who can meet it? It's a tough one, but hopefully can avoid that entirely this time by talking it through.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1st question: you should be trying to make the other feel good. focused on it? no. everybody has their own life. if you are focused on the other all the time, you never can develop yourself and grow as a person. that is selflessness.]

2nd question: you should never be trying to please somebody by meeting their needs. that is what dating is all about...finding somebody that you think fits closest to what you want. yeah, people can change, but you shouldn't be trying to change somebody to be perfect for you.

in a situation when you are sick, he should be trying to lift your spirits and take care of you yes. that shouldn't be any reason to argue with you. if i was sick and my gf was nagging me like that, i'd just ask her to go home or leave is she lived with me. stress can prolong an illness. it takes a toll on the body.

i come from a broken home, but i have a great relationship with my mom. momma's boy here. anyways, it depends if he lived with his mom most of his life. mistrust and bad treatment from your parent tends to make you the same. that is hard to change.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...