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Hey Guys!!!

 

I was just watching this episode of dateline and.....well, it was about this rape that occurred.

 

I just want to say THANK YOU GUYS SO VERY MUCH!!! I've just thought of the things I've been through and there has always been someone from this community to love and support me.

And it means the world.

 

Rape is always complicated, never clear or easy, and always hard to discuss. Whenever I've needed to vent, or cry, or scream, or comtimplated a new way of thinking, enotalone has been here for me.

 

I mean, this is the best resource ever!

 

Thank you guys! You've affected my life in only the most wonderful ways!

 

@ -)----(------ ------- -------)----(- @

Okay, now I guess I'll talk about my feelings, LOL!

 

Anywho, first of all, thinking about rape makes my head hurt.

I can talk about the crazy emotions I have as a result of it........

But it's complicated.

 

And sometimes the whole 'rape thing' gets old even for me.

It's so exhausting.

 

I don't know, it feels like the side-effects (aftermath) of rape is so long and drawn out.

 

I just want to be happy, ya know.

 

Why is happiness so hard to come by these days?

 

I want things to be simple. I mean, I just want to lose weight.

Why does everything tie into something else?

I just want to be okay.

It's like no matter what, I don't do what is necessary to lose weight!

It's ridiculously crazy!!!

 

I always thought that if you could acknowledge something you could change it.

 

I've acknowledged that I have a phobia of being thin (check). I can acknowledge that I have no real incentive to lose weight (check). And last but not least I've acknowledge that I just simply need to lose weight (check).

 

I want to like myself again. I want to stop being suicidal. I want so many things right?

 

Part of me doesn't want to feel.

I wish there was a magic pill that could make me feel all better.

 

@ -)----(------ ------- -------)----(- @

Anywho, this lady went to the police after her rapist sent her an apology letter after the fact.

 

I believe she did the right thing. I don't think I'll ever be in that situation, because I already reported it.

I feel like I've left the punishment part in the hands of the law.

 

I wouldn't want to go to court.

 

I think that it would be too much to go to court.

Personally I don't want to see him, or Ariel again.

 

I don't know. I don't think I have that much of a problem with the rapist and his accomplice anymore (or maybe I'm in denial), I just have a problem with all of the emotions.

 

I'm tired of being sad about it. I'm tired of being angry with myself.

And I'm so angry with myself.....because I couldn't protect me.

That's hurts more than anything.......more than being betrayed and set-up by a close friend, more than being raped............I can't believe I allowed this to happen to me. That I couldn't foresee or stop it. I can't seem to move past that. I mean........okay, maybe I should just admit that they were smarter than me. They were much smarter. They set me up, and I didn't have a clue.

Maybe it's a fun game they like to play. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves.

Who know, they are childhood friends, they could have been doing it for years.

 

But when did she decide to do it? I mean, she knows other people.

Was it because I was close to her? Was it because I was just too easy a target?

I mean, who would care if the side-effects weren't so horrible?

I mean.........I don't know.

When he raped me, it really really hurt.

And then everything else.

I mean it makes me head swim.

There is absolutely no way I will ever be able to digest this, too much cruelty at once.

 

And that's all that I walk away with.

I walk away knowing that the world is full of cruelty and I can't understand it.

 

@ -)----(------ ------- -------)----(- @

I'm confused. I'm soooooo confused. Okay, how can I live life when I am no longer blind to the fact that in an instant my life can be completely destroyed and I can do nothing about it.

 

Then, I know God loves me, and I know man has free will (okay this is just a piece I'm trying to fit into everything else, I'm trying to find out where this belongs).

 

Then I realize I was raped, I realize I was betrayed and set up by a friend. That is so clear right? Why do I feel confused about that.

 

I can put all of the pieces together of before, during, and after the rape (aside from moments when I blacked out).

Okay, that's okay in my mind.

 

I guess that hardest thing is all of these disorders.

I mean maybe the chronic post traumatic stress disorder is making things hard.

Or the anxiety disorder, or the depression.

 

I feel like I don't have my brain.

I feel like things aren't in order.

I have these crazy emotions and then a bunch of thoughts just floating around in my head.

I guess I just want to connect the thoughts and the emotions.

 

I just want to cry because I feel like, after the rape, my brain fell apart.

And it seemed to get worse as time progressed.

 

How long does post traumatic stress disorder last? I should look that up on the internet.

 

I stopped taking my depression medication so that I could lose weight. My parents are glad, they've never liked me being on medicine.

My mom believes that me not being on medicine shows my strength. I don't feel very strong so that made me feel better.

Without the medicine, I feel. I feel more human. But with the medicine, my brain works better, I function much better.

I'm not sure what to do.

 

Why I am so sad? When does rape ever just go away?

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I have no idea how to deal with it either

It effects so many aspects of your life, and although you can tell yourself over and over "its not my fault" or "im not -dirty- or -tainted-"... when you feel insecure or backed into a corner, all that anger comes out and you end up pushing away people who care about you.

 

The last time I was raped was over 4 years ago and I am still coming to terms with it. I hope you deal with it better than I did and learn to live with it I wouldnt wish this futile sense of lonliness upon anyone

 

I just want you to know that you arent the only person who feels so lost and hopeless after being taken advantage of like that... As long as you make a real effort to not let it destroy your relationships, and dont keep anything bottles up, I am sure you will do fine

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Everything you're feeling and thinking is part of the process of healing. Human beings simply cannot comprehend real evil; it's like trying to understand infinity. It's not something we can do. What we can do is understand that we have some (limited) control over what happens to us, and we do have absolute control over how we choose to respond -- whether we will choose to do evil in return, or to remain honest and true to ourselves, and do good. We still end up walking away knowing the world is full of incomprehensible evil, but we walk away with the potential to heal, rather than converted over to evil by evil.

 

You are moving forward, you are healing, even though you feel this is happening so slowly, it is happening. Keep doing what you're doing. If your medication helps you, stay on it. There are physical consequences to trauma, whether it's rape, or a car accident, or a bad breakup. People who've been through trauma can get something called "adrenal exhaustion," where your adrenalin works overtime for so long, it can't get back to normal anymore. Medication is necessary to control that, or there are serious health and emotional problems. You may simply not be ready to be off the medication yet. If your mom understood that, I'm sure she would be more accepting of the idea of taking medication.

 

It's okay to be sad. There are other emotions. Eventually, the rape will become someting in the past, like a book you've read, and put away. A story you no longer live with everyday.

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EvaGina

Hey There! Thanks so much for the response. I'm really sorry to hear about your assualt. It really does suck. I understand stand the emotions your talking about. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone.

Sometimes I wonder how long the healing process will take. And then, sometimes I feel like I'll give up.

Sometimes I get tired of wondering.

I do my best to just accept where I am, but it's not always easy.

What can you say, sometimes life is just so hard to comprehend.

 

Juilana

Thank you so much! I feel hopefully. It sounds so pleasant to think that one day I can put the "book" away. It would be lovely.

Thanks for telling me the it's okay not to understand evil. I think that eventually, I'll stop trying.

It's really hard to believe that people can be so sinister and that you can't always pick up on it.

It's hard not to feel, "less than" or vunerable.

Sometimes it's just hard not to cry.

***Thank you guys for being so understanding

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It has been 15 years for me. I only realized how bad it actually was when ended up destroying the only relationship I really cared about (as several others previously)

 

I have no idea what to do with all these emotions. I am not even sure I can ever have a boyfriend again or I should even try. I think we all need to really concentrate on self control. Reading, taking yoga classes and meditation have been working for me lately.

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