Am I Being Paranoid??

[kimber271]

I came here for some much needed advice. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. Things have been rough, but he's been having to deal with a lot of issues with his family, and helping them with their finances. I've been dealing with stress at work/school, etc.

 

his new thing lately is to make me leave his place when we fight, then he'll lock the door and not let me back in once I've stepped out. He also deals with problems by breaking up with me, swearing it's over for the moment, then calling me back 2 days or so later acting like he loves me again. He did that same thing to me the night before he left for his trip back home to help his family on Monday. He breaks up with me Sat night, then calls me back sunday blaming me for everything, then acting like we're still kinda together.

 

So, he goes on a trip back home to help his parents(His mom is 65 and going crazy on him, and he's helping them with real estate deals, etc). . I trust he's there since he's called me from his parents number a few at night while there. He's lied to me in the past, and i guess what i'm getting at is this. He lied to me so much 2 years ago regarding his ex. They were still together for 6 months when he met me.

 

He lied to me 2 me before about going out with his friends, when he really took his ex out for her birthday. Her birthday is TODAY. He's coming home from his trip today, and he'd asked me to pick him up from the airport a couple days ago. He calls me from his layover just now, and tells me he's going to take a shuttle home instead since he's beat. He said he wanted to save me a trip over (i live 45 min away) since he was too tired. Last night, we'd planned to get delivery, relax, etc...

Am i being paranoid given that it's his ex's birthday today, and he suddenly didn't want me to pick him up? He's told me over and over they don't even talk anymore, but i just can't put it behind me. Should I believe him? He said he'd call me when he got home.

[Hope75]

Hmmm....

 

So you're dating a guy who settles fights with you by throwing you out, and breaking up with you.

 

And he lied to you about his ex on numerous occasions.

 

And (I think this is what you are implying) he cheated on his ex with you in the beginning.

 

Then he lies to you and takes her out on her birthday.

 

And you don't trust him.

 

 

Can you tell me why you are even with this guy?

[kimber271]

Good point Hope. We seemed to be working things out (we took a month long break in between) for a while, then things started going downhill. He's getting so into this thing lately that there are thousands of conspiracies behind the government, we are run by elitists, etc... He's right in some things, but most of the time he OBSESSES, and sounds crazy. He's been a lot more calm, but only because he started reading this scientology book. Another strange thing...

 

You're right Hope. Whether he's being truthful or not tonight, he doesn't treat me right in the whole scheme of things. I don't why I love him to death when he treats our relationship like he doesn't care if it's there or not. I didn't want to overreact tonight, but he will be calling when he's home in an hour or so...

[Hope75]

Yeah....

 

This guy isn't treating you with love nor respect... in fact, he sounds like he's kind of a jerk.

 

And it doesn't sound as though you trust him, (and with good enough reason)... so I am just not sure why you are allowing yourself to be treated like this.

 

Sure, all couples have arguments, but your bf is acting like a spoilt child- throwing you out and locking the door, and then breaking up with you. The first time my bf did something like that- would be the last.

 

How can you have a healthy relationship with someone who acts that way? It's impossible.

[kimber271]

Thanks Hope. So, regardless if he was simply tired tonight and was being truthful, it's best to move on. That helps. It will give me the attitude that no matter how weird things seem, or whether he was truthful or not, I can't care anymore. I should be using my energy to move on. It's so hard. I love him so much, and we have great times, and it feels as if I'm being too paranoid sometimes. This may be wrong to think, but sometimes I wonder if I piss him off so much, he just gets sick of it and makes me go.

 

I probably sound pathetic, and I know there's men that wouldn't do that regardless of what mood i was in, so i have to believe that.

[Hope75]

I don't think tonight is that important in the grand scheme of things. If he were taking her out for her birthday, it would just be another reason that this relationship is not a good one for you, but if he weren't, that does not discount all the other stuff that shows he does not love nor respect you, and that this relationship is pretty low on his list of priorities.

 

I think you know that you can do much better, now I just hope that you will give yourself the chance to have that opportunity.

[kimber271]

Point well taken Hope. You make a lot of sense. I was so worried about tonight, and why he all of a sudden didn't want me to pick him up, but that's the least of my concerns. I should think of the whole picture, and the way that we just don't work most of the time. There are great times, but most are fights, blaming, and ignoring. I've never dated anyone else but him (well, a few very short term) so I had nothing to compare it too.

Thank you for your help

[Hope75]

It's hard to put aside your emotional attachment long enough to look at a situation from an objective POV, and sometimes an outsider can help you see that more clearly.

 

But this guy definitely does not have your best interests at heart, and he has cheated before (on the ex with you, and possibly the other way around), but either way he's not treating you with the dignity and respect that anyone in a relationship deserves... a basic consideration for another's feelings, which should be even more magnified by the fact that he claims to love you.

 

I don't see any love there, to be honest. (on his side).

 

And.... it doesn't seem like you trust him (with good reason!), and that is one of the most fundamental things in a relationship-- necessary for it to survive and thrive. It can't be forced... it must be earned, and he hasn't earned it.

 

What do you think you are going to do?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i see the big problem here is that he is willing to lie to get what he wants... i.e., lying about being not being with his ex the first 6 months he was with you... then many times later for various reasons...

 

it will be hard for you to trust if you think he is doing the same thing to you now, i.e., seeing other women and pretending like he isn't in a relationship with you... people do tend to repeat patterns, unless something earth shattering snaps them out of it and they change for themselves, not you.

 

he also sounds a bit unstable... constantly breaking up, blaming you for it, throwing you out of his house, getting too paranoid about politics etc... it just sounds like a lot of drama, and not the good kind of excitement either, sounds very stressful...

 

you have to evaluate the relationship as it is and decide whether this is how you want to live, or whether this is some temporary stress he is under making him a bit mercurial but he'll calm down, or whether this is just who he is, and how your life will be and remain if you stay with him.

 

so i wouldn't evaluate him on any one event, i.e., maybe he was tired at the airport, but then again, maybe he had been meeting up with his girlfriend as a side trip when he went to visit his parents... look at the total picture of your life together and decide if his prior lying is something you think he won't do again, but sadly, most people who learn to lie to get what they want continue to do it since it is part of their personality to think that they deserve to have what they want, even if they have to lie and deceive people to get it...

 

i had a boyfriend like that once, who really turned out to be a pathological liar, lying to LOTS of women, over many years, to get himself what he wanted. he was very charming and wonderful in other ways, but you never really knew what he was doing or whom he was with because he would lie whenever it suited his convenience.

 

he sadly seemed to have a certain lifespan with girlfriends and knew it, i.e. he could keep it going for a few years because he was very charming, and very accomplished at using lies, but eventually his girlfriend would find out about the lying/other women, and he would get dumped, then just toddle off and start again with a new set of women who didn't realize he was an accomplished liar!

 

so if he has a history of lying to women about his availability status, that is a big red flag, and he may not be cheating now with his ex girlfriend, but that doesn't mean he won't, now or later, with her or with someone else...

 

but for your own sake, try not to participate in the drama and avoid big blowouts because that just clouds the issues. but if you really don't trust him, even if you do love him, then that makes it a very hard row to hoe.

[kimber271]

Thank you BeStrongBehappy! Even though I don't know different, I see how some of my friends settle their issues (not that I should compare) and it's in a healthy way. My boyfriend would rather blame and continue to blame, even after I've profusley apologized.

He breaks up with me, then comes back, he get frustrated at A LOT, and it's so hard to get him out of the mood. That isn't normal right? Even if someone does something to anger their partner, once they see their partner is genuinly sorry, they forgive them right.

I think I will just let tonight be. He seems to have that "i don't care if you stay or go attitude" so i'm just going to back away.

He does have a temper, gets mad really easy, regardless if he's stressed. Plus, he's just so consumed with the economy, world conspiricies, etc, he isn't too fun to be around. He's an only child, so if he doesn't get his way, he yells, throws me out, or I get blamed until we just drop the issue.

I guess I know what I need to do, because for 3 years, it's always been an uphill battle

[sweetheart21]

Wow I'm so impressed about how sensible you are being about all of this When I just read your posts I was shocked. Because usually a female in this kind of controling relationship, especially after 3 years, will have lost self esteem and end up standing up for their partners behaviour, blaming themselfs etc. Its so great that you can see now how unhealthy this relationship is!

[kimber271]

Thank you sweetheart21. I see myself coming close to becoming that woman, and thats why I feel it's best just to let go. He will always be controlling, and always deal problems the way he has, and there's no changing him. He's 35, so I doubt it. I have a lot to offer someone, and I feel even though I may not think so now, the 'man of my dreams' is waiting for me'.

[Hope75]

Kimber,

 

I wouldn't be too quick to excuse his behavior on him being an only child. My bf is an only child too- and he is kind, considerate and loving, and when we have disagreements we talk it out or agree to disagree, but never once has he thrown me out, or held our disagreement against me later and used it to blame me like that.

 

Relationships do take work, but when you find that you are the only one working and the other person just seems passively along for the ride, you really have to think, how important is this to him, and how long can you carry the entire relationship on your back before you realize it is more of a burden to be with someone so emotional and unpredictable, than it is a pleasure?

[kimber271]

That's awesome, Hope. I'm so glad you are in a great relationship like you are, and what you said really helped more than you know. You don't know how many times i've messed up, and I'm always blamed for ruining the night, ruining the day, ruining his birthday, etc... The list goes on as to what I ruin. He never ever takes blame, only apologizes for the past. It gets SO old when I beg for his forgiveness, email him over and over how sorry I am after he continues to ignore me, and get nowhere for hours with him, sometimes days.

Hope, you and many others have been able to experience what a healthy, loving relationship feels like, and it will be hard, but I can't make excuses for him, nor stay any longer.

You have all helped me tremendously.

[kimber271]

One last question: Is there any point in trying to convince him how much I tried for him, and how I stuck with him through so much, yet he chose to focus on only my mistakes.

Is it wasting my breath dealing with someone like him? I feel so awful just finally deciding to end it (even though it pretty much was gone). He hasn't even called me yet. his plane was supposed to be in at 7pm. Like most of you pointed out, he doesn't value our relationship (nor does he seem to value any relationship, he even calls his mom an idiot)

Do I even owe this man an explanation after he's messed with my head, broken up with me, then wanted me back, cancelled last minute on our plans tonight, now doesn't care to call? I feel like just moving on and not caring like he's done to me.

[Hope75]

You know, I really don't know how much good it will do in a case like this. I almost feel as though you would be wasting your breath. You say this is a man who never accepts any responsibility for any wrong doing in the relationship, and from your posts I have this picture of you apologizing over and over and half the time you don't even know what you are apologizing for.

 

So I guess, ask yourself, knowing that it will most likely provoke another fight where he blames you for everything, does not acknowledge any fault, and does not apologize, will this just make it that much harder for you? Or, regardless of what his response is, will it make you feel better just to get it out- knowing that you aren't likely to be heard?

 

PS- before my bf I dated a string of jerks so I have been in your shoes and it's no fun... but getting out of situations like yours is what gives you the opportunity to meet someone who will treat you right- and they are out there.

[kimber271]

Thanks Hope for sharing what you did

He still hasn't called.

I guess at this point, if he does, I will just ignore it for awhile. Who knows if thats right. He was acting so weird. maybe he was genuinley tired as he did do a lot while he was at his mom's place, but still. He cancelled on me picking him up, said he was too tired and he'd take a shuttle home. If I changed plans on HIM, he'd be pissed. I'm so curious if he's with his ex, or if he's lying to me though. It's bothering me..

You're right though, there probably is no point in even emailing him or talking to him right now. He obviously shows no signs of caring.

[Hope75]

Don't let him hold you to a double standard. If he gets upset when you don't call- he's not playing by a fair set of rules.

 

But at this point- my guess is that your only conversation left to have is for you to tell him that it's over.... unless you aren't ready for that yet.

[sweetheart21]

One last question: Is there any point in trying to convince him how much I tried for him, and how I stuck with him through so much, yet he chose to focus on only my mistakes.

 

Yes I think you should say this to him because it will make you feel better. But dont expect him to say sorry or even admit that its true. Maybe email it to him so that you dont have to hear him saying your wrong. Also dont try and convince him... tell him how much you tried and that you aren't going to tolerate it any longer and thats why the relationship is over.

[kimber271]

Thanks everyone for the great advice. He finally texd me last night (didn't call) at 10:30 pm saying, "i'm home was up?" That was it. I didn't respond back, and he didn't even bother to call. I'm not sure what all happened, but he may have just been tired. His plane was supposed to get in at 7:15pm, but when he called me at his layover, he said he was really tired, his planes had been crossed or something (it conveniently happened to him on the way there too) and he wanted to save me a trip.

I may be overreacting, but as you all suggested to me yesterday, I shouldn't be caring anymore. Now I'd hate to say it's finally over if he was telling the whole truth last night, but I know it's best to finally move on.

He has way too much going on, he treats me like I really don't exist, and if I cause him one problem, I have to pay for it for the whole night.

It will be hard, but I will probably just email him, because I guarantee if I try to say ANYTHING in a mature, adult way about us moving on, he'll call me all drama and we won't get anywhere. It's sad I always have to watch how and what I say to him.

[Hope75]

Someone who shuts you off and won't even listen to what you have to say, or who turns it around and blames you for everything and disregards your feelings is not someone who cares about you.

 

I hope you will have the courage to end this once and for all, and be able to stick to it this time.

 

Get mad, sister. No one has the right to treat you like this.

[kimber271]

I'm mad now. No one should treat another human being like this, regardless of their human mistakes. It's wrong! When he pointed out something he didn't like, I told him I was sorry, and would work on it. When he broke up with me the last time, I told him I was so sorry for my behavior, and I didn't want to lose him. I told him over and over I was sorry from the bottom of my heart (i truly was) and I would do anything to make it up to him and have a nice day. NO, he said he needed his time, I was too much drama for him, he said he was nice to even take my call, then CLICK, hung up on me.

Wow, it helps to vent. Thanks so much to all who helped me see the light. I WILL NOT let this man rule my life, my thoughts, or my actions anymore. IF he reallly cared about me, I wouldn't have to go through this rollercoaster almost everyday of my life, then be blamed for everything.

I feel better now.=)

[Hope75]

Ah,

 

Glad to see you are feeling some righteous anger there, sister!

 

That's a step in the right direction.