Can things really change?

[theallegedparadigm]

Is it really possible for a relationship that went hideously wrong first time round to work a second time?

 

My ''ex'' and i split up a good 6 months ago after maybe 8 months of going out. She was the first girl i have felt that strongly for but anyway, we lived in each others pockets, had no life outside of each other, rushed into pretty much everything, she just upped and left one day after a petty row and we had no contact until 3 weeks or so ago.

 

So yeah, 3 weeks ago i decided randomly to contact everyone i had had bad blood with over the last few years and say 'no hard feelings' so to speak. Nothing more and nothing less. She replied fairly soon and we started speaking on msn for a bit. As i still had a few of her things we arranged to go out for a catch up drink and did so. It was pretty weird seeing her after all this time and she seems to have changed for the better since i last saw her in terms of dealing with issues and getting on with her own life, likewise i think i have matured alot in that last 6 months too.

 

The whole seeing her again thing brought back so many happy memories that i had chosen to forgot about and the same for her so we arranged to meet again for an hour the following day. It was still strange but each second i spent in her company the more i realised just how much i had missed her. She drove me back and we ended up kissing, the feelings were coming back pretty strong and i left soon thereafter.

 

After that i sent her a long email letting her know how i felt, that i still had feelings for her, i wasnt expecting anything at all but i felt like i owed it to myself to be honest and she came to see me again the next day saying she wanted to give things a go too but just to take everything as slowly as pos which is fair enough.

 

I guess what im wondering is, after lots of people saying going back to exes is a bad idea, can patterns in relationships really change? Or is it likely what ended up going wrong before will happen again?

 

J

[Shaker]

You can make it work the second time. You have to be honest with yourself about what went wrong and why, and be willing to change your methods. It will be a different relationship.

[terk2021]

Things can be different, but they can also be the same. I am not saying to prepare for the worst, but remember, she did leave once. You have to take it slow, and operate at her pace if it's going to work.

 

Good luck. Most of us would love second chances with our ex...

[pinkelephant]

i agree with the other posters. it'll work only when both of you admit what went wrong and why. and willing to put a lot of effort into fixing/changing things.

[Avocado Rivalry]

My ex and I gave it tons of "second chances," but we never really discussed what had gone wrong in the past. We were happy, but I knew things weren't right in the long run. Now that we've actually been apart for a while and we've discussed the possibility of getting back together once she's back home for good from school, it actually seems like it could be a better relationship because we've worked out a lot of the old problems. Two words of advice are make sure you know what caused the break-up in the first place and have both you and her work to correct it (it has to be something BOTH sides work on) and take things slowly. You have a history together, so things may seem natural, but intentionally slow things down and go on "dates" again just to put the relationship in a new light.

[heloladies21]

Unless your views on relationships have changed and you've solved the real problems which led to the break up in the first place, another break up is on the way.

 

Some common mistakes guys make are, not showing you care enough by hiding the negative emotions of jealousy and possessiveness. Lots of "nice guys" (sadly the majority of western civilization) fall into this catagory. Girls notice when you're suppose to be upset with them, but if you don't, then you might be hiding something or being deceptive. this is how she would see it.

 

Some guys are too needy/clingy and base their entire hapiness on sucking up to win a girl's affection. Same thing though, the girl will sense that you're not being honest with her about who you really are and how you really feel.

 

Basically, lots of relationship problems are caused by guys who aren't honest about their feelings and desires 100% of the time. or there are self esteem issues which need to be worked out and this has nothing to do with girls to be honest.

[anggrace]

I think what changes, or can change, is understanding eachother better and choosing how you react to the other person. With desire and effort I do think its possible. I think when it doesnt work its often because you get back into the same routine and loose perspective of it was you needed to learn to do better in order to save the relationship. I think BOTH people have to REALLY want it. I myself am holding on to hope that things can get better.

[renaissancewoman101]

Second time around, things can get better, only if you are BOTH willing to put the time and effort into making the change. Although if the both of you guys are inherently incompatible, then no. My ex and I were incompatible and we broke up the first time because of that. We came back together again because he missed me and we gave it a try, but eventually our incompatibilities came out and this time I lost interest and treated him like crap and he dumped me.

[theallegedparadigm]

Thanks for the replies guys, although they may have been somewhat in vain...

 

I spent the day with her today which was really nice and made me realise that she loved me as much as i love her. On the downside towards the end she got really tearful and said she couldn't do it as hurting me so much first time round almost killed her and she couldn't bear to do it again.

 

Still, life goes on huh...