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Nice Guy Syndrome


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It depends how you define "nice." If nice=doormat then a doormat person likely won't do well in most social situations because to have solid friendships there has to be a give and take, something that doormats aren't good at. A guy who is reasonably assertive, confident and kind is also "nice" and, if he wants a romantic relationship, has the ability to do the give and take required in a romantic relationship.

 

I agree with Batya completely. What she says above is dead on accurate.

 

What's going on here Batya? I agree with everything you've posted lately. You must be as shocked as I am. We're very like minded lately.

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I'm assertive, but then I've been called pushy..so * * *!!

 

There's nothing wrong with a guy being "pushy." It's one thing to be a guy who approaches someone he likes, another to simply not take "no" for an answer. The former being good, the latter being bad.

 

By assertive, we're talking going up to a pretty girl (or someone you fancy) and chatting her up, maybe flirting a bit and even getting her number or a date. If more "nice" guys did this, they would be getting dates instead of lamenting their own shyness/niceness/whatever.

 

I just think it's sad how people say you can only be one of two categories:

 

A) "Nice" guy who gets nowhere with women.

 

or

 

B) "Jerk" who gets all the women.

 

I dislike how just because the nice guys may not be able to get a date (usually do to them doing the wrong thing) that all the guys who automatically get dates are "jerks." Seems kind of biased, don't you think?

 

Of course women want someone who will treat them well, but they also want a man who will be a man and approach them, be confident, charming and fun. They don't want a yesman who will do exactly as she says, never take risks or be difficult and never do anything out of the ordinary.

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I love nice men. Can't get enough of them. Drama does nothing for me whatsoever. Of my 3 relationships, 2 have been really nice and I loved them exceedingly and had pretty good relationships with them.

 

The last one was horrible because he was unkind although I thought it was because of his childhood issues at first but now I know he's just an unkind person.

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The problem is that most "nice" guys aren't assertive with women. They usually (more oft than not) try to buy women off with gifts, shower them with compliments, never speak up for themselves and generally feel insecure about themselves. They tend to be shy, passive and unsure of themselves... especially when it comes to the fairer sex.

 

Those are all, obviously, deal-breakers for any sensible, self-respecting woman. Women don't want a puppy to follow them around and jump when she says so. They want fun, challenge, excitement, mystery and chemistry. The nice guy tries way too hard with nice gestures and ideas to compensate for the lacking aforementioned desirable characteristics, with women. Thus, women find him unattractive, but a great "friend." They like him and think he's a "great guy", but "I just don't think of him that way."

 

The fairer sex?!?! I should introduce you to my exwife, lol.

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I don't think assertive means drama or pushy - pushy simply means - if it is a true evaluation - being self absorbed and not paying attention to cues from the other person - or not caring that the other person feels suffocated/needs a little space.

 

There will always be people who have differing opinions on behavior - particularly if it is not extreme behavior - being reasonably assertive to one person might be pushy or arrogant to another person. In a relationship, when it works, the interaction is smooth most of the time - the personalities complement each other.

 

In the space of a few months, I was described by two different women after two very similar conversations - one in her 20s, one in her 60s as "overwhelming - you give too much information at once!" and "after I speak to you I feel almost Zen-like."

 

I had four dates with a man once - on the fourth date he said that on our first date (from an on line site) he knew just from how I carried myself and spoke that I did not put up with being treated other than with respect. Another man on our first date through an on line site said "do you know that you are very forward?" (I didn't, never heard that before).

 

It's about finding a person who is the right fit - and doing your best to be yourself in the process because being a chameleon always ends up coming back to bite you a few months in when you want to relax and be yourself.

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The problem is that most "nice" guys aren't assertive with women. They usually (more oft than not) try to buy women off with gifts, shower them with compliments, never speak up for themselves and generally feel insecure about themselves. They tend to be shy, passive and unsure of themselves... especially when it comes to the fairer sex.

 

Those are all, obviously, deal-breakers for any sensible, self-respecting woman. Women don't want a puppy to follow them around and jump when she says so. They want fun, challenge, excitement, mystery and chemistry. The nice guy tries way too hard with nice gestures and ideas to compensate for the lacking aforementioned desirable characteristics, with women. Thus, women find him unattractive, but a great "friend." They like him and think he's a "great guy", but "I just don't think of him that way."

 

There is nice and then there is what I just bolded up there. Shy is appealing and sweet to me, but being passive and unconfident usually means they don't try flirt, don't try make good conversation, don't take any initiative in things. Someone like that might end up being a friend because there is no mental chemistry happening with someone who is passive.

 

That only happens sometimes. It's not always the case. Some women like nice men who treat them well.

 

I like nice men. I want a man who treats me well without being a doormat. I thought I married a nice man, but he turned out to be a jerk acting like a nice man to get me! I have no interest in jerks, so I am divorced now and looking for a nice man again.

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No one wants a 'nice' guy... or a 'nice' girl.

 

I would hate it if someone described me as 'nice'.. how utterly boring!

 

I would rather someone describe me as 'passionate', 'caring', 'independent... or a million other adjective rather than 'nice'

 

no one likes someone who does stuff for them and i there waiting at the door for them.. No one likes a pushover..

 

i hope you never tell a girl "hey.. I'm a nice guy"

 

To me.. and about 99.999999999% of other girls out there, this is a major turnoff.

 

just like a funny guy... or a strong guy... or a muscular guy.

 

Lets just say YOU see a guy out there who is muscular and athletic looking... but he went around saying " check out my guns.. I'm so strong... I'm so muscular.. aren't I muscular and strong'

 

This is what it sounds like to girl, when a guy says "I'm a nice guy"

 

Doesn't matter if he IS nice... it will be a major turnoff...

 

why does he have to say it?!?!?!?! ... surely the girl can figure it out just by getting to know him

 

There is usually something else the 'nice' guy is doing that makes it hard for him to get a date. Maybe he seems like a pushover.

 

I know I had a guy friend recently tell me he liked me.. but then went on to say" oh you won't like me probably because I'm a nice guy, and nice guys never get anywhere with girls and you will probably just go out with a jerk... and me.. oh I'll be all alone because I'm a nice guy"

 

who wants a whiny-woe-is me guy like that??

 

My friend actually has some great qualities.. but its sooo un-attractive to tell me that he doesn't have any luck with girls.. why tell me that? Does he think telling me that he has bad luck with women is going to make me think "wow what a great catch!"

 

no way.

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Yes there is hope. But you need to find girls that go for the "nice guys". I have been waiting all my life for a girlfriend and I just got one. She is drop dead gorgeous, so funny, we clicked right away.

 

Your time will come you just have to wait for the right girl to come along. I was in the exact same boat as you 2 months ago and I was starting to lose faith and then out of nowhere I met this girl and the rest is history. Just keep on believin.

 

And a lot of girls probably like you, but they think that because you are so "nice" that you only want to be friends. One thing I wish I had done in the past is make a real move on the girl. Most of the time they don't know what you are thinking so you have to let them know

 

Believe me on this one. There aren't that many "nice guys" left in the world, so be happy that you are one. Girls will appreciate that about you in the future.

 

Good luck!

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No to what?

 

People pleasers, they dont want to hurt guy's feelings, but they end up hurting them even more in a more indirect way by giving tidbits of false hope leaving the guy to find out the hard way rather than having the backbone to say are not interested, and save a man's time and emotional energies for someone who is.

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People pleasers, they dont want to hurt guy's feelings, but they end up hurting them even more in a more indirect way by giving tidbits of false hope leaving the guy to find out the hard way rather than having the backbone to say are not interested, and save a man's time and emotional energies for someone who is.

 

Well some people do do this, but guys do it also. I would wager that men do it as least as frequently as women.

 

Maybe the people who do this see themselves as "nice", but I agree with shikashika that the men and women who bemoan the fact that no one wants them because they are "nice" might actually be referring to other people's reaction to less bland and less notionally appealing characteristics.

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I still don't understand how come some people can categorize people into being "nice guys" vs. "jerks"...everyone of us does evil things from time to time. I think that guys who call themselves "nice guys" may need to do a reality check.

 

Finding a girlfriend is not easy for anyone. Even good looking powerful guys get rejected. Everyone gets rejected. So instead of feeling sorry for yourself, why don't you get out there and start asking girls out. If you are persistent enough, you can find a girlfriend, no matter who you are.

 

Saying you can't find a girlfriend because you are "nice" really does not make much logical sense. Neither does it make sense to say that girls like jerks. What does make sense is to start taking some individual responsibility, stop complaining, find some passion in your life, and put in the effort to find a girlfriend.

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There is nice and then there is what I just bolded up there. Shy is appealing and sweet to me, but being passive and unconfident usually means they don't try flirt, don't try make good conversation, don't take any initiative in things. Someone like that might end up being a friend because there is no mental chemistry happening with someone who is passive.

 

Shyness is highly correlated with a lack of confidence and being passive. I don't know of too many shy, yet bold and confident guys.

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haha puff

 

Again, it all depends on the situation. My personality is usually dictated by the people around me. Not that I'm a "conformist" or something, but personality is contagious for the most part.

 

And I agree, guys need to learn the art of flirting. I think we can replace the word "nice" with "needy". A guy really shouldn't care if he has a girlfriend or not, but should just have fun.

At the same time though, you have to have an air of confidence, that you're sure of yourself, even if things screw up. And I agree, you must have passions in which you can relate to others, whether that's being a movie buff, or into political causes and whatnot. But what you are really doesn't matter to women. It's who you are and how you make them feel.

 

Like I said before, flirting is an art. You can't seem overly interested, women love mystery and challenge. Whether that is making fun of them slightly, having a sharp wit, standing ground etc.

Being a doormat really is a complete turnoff. My ex became something of a doormat by the end and I became emotionally detached, even though I didn't want to or mean to.

 

I'm a bit passive most of the time, but being passive really doesn't help you if you want to have a social life, romantically or not.

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I'm a bit passive most of the time, but being passive really doesn't help you if you want to have a social life, romantically or not.

 

Absolutely.

 

Women hate passivity. It's an INSTANT attraction-killer for them. It's like annoucing to the world (namely, the female populace); "I have no balls." Women don't want to date neutered men.

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man, i'm totally in the same boat you are, well i was before, i've mixed in a little bit of jerk-offness to myself, but not really the kind to make a girl feel down n hurt her emotionally/physically, but more like i'll defend my thoughts, and stand up for myself, even if it takes a little bit of poking fun at her, not too much but some

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It's not easy for anyone to leave an abusive relationship. It's hard to leave for emotional reasons, financial reasons, and because many abused people are afraid they will be killed if they leave thier abuser. Also, there is a lot of shame in being abused, so many abused people deny or downplay thier abuse, and don't want to leave thier abuser. I have worked with lots of women in abusive relationships, and also men too. I can tell you, leaving an abusive relationship is very hard. I hope you understand.

 

Please don't tell me that you are "the nice one." There are lots of "nice" people out there, and you are not the only one suffering.

 

Finding a girlfriend isn't easy. Just keep at it. Good luck.

 

I remember thinking about my ex..

 

she discussed her past b/f as a drunk and emotional abusers

she /w him 3 yrs

 

i'm the nice guy,flowers,dates,never yell,friends love me

1yr..

I just wanna be like ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

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