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Nice Guy Syndrome


musicguy
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I've been battling this since I was 13. I'm the nice guy who treats girls good. The guy who ACTUALLY cares about a girl and WANTS a relationship with them. I'm the kind of guy who thinks that a girl is more than just a face and a body, a girl has a heart, a mind and emotions that need to be paid attention to. I would send my mate roses or write poetry to them, surprise them with little gifts or notes, romantic dinners, etc.

 

The thing that I don't understand is why girls go for the jerks, the one's who treat them like crap and emotionally damage them, then when a nice guy like me comes around, they (the girls) freak out and don't know what to do and the boyfriend or ex-boyfriend then threaten a guy like me.

 

I'm not going to change myself for anyone.

 

Is there hope for the nice guys in this world??

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I know how you feel. I'm the same way. I had a guy threaten to kill me b/c I was talking to his gf online...we're just friends! lol I'm just a nice guy and he knows it, so he feels threatened b/c he's a total d*ck. Maybe when we're 40 they'll finally realize that we're what they want.

 

 

That mod edit sounds exactly like my ex.

Always getting mad at me for just talking to guys.

Jerk.

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I am 40 and feel less "desperate" - if I ever felt "desperate" to have a partner in my life than I did when I was 25 - against that backdrop, I like "nice" guys but when passive/doormat/overeager/puppy dog types are defined as "nice" instead of "passive' that is where I run into problems. I want someone who is kind and compassionate but also not afraid to put me in my place, communicate his boundaries, be assertive, confident, etc. That is not at all being a "jerk" - in fact I think men who are doormats are being jerks.

 

And, yes, I think men who are assertive and confident are more spark-inducing and intriguing - and keeping me on my toes keeps things fresh and interesting.

 

(and yes I have a boyfriend and no I did not settle for him in the least - 10 years ago he was most certainly "too nice" as in "too passive' but he grew into a far more confident person which is a huge turn on).

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This sounds kinda like the "Nice Guy" attitude... you might want to look at Diggity's essay on the subject for some more info. In answer to your question, basically, because they're more assertive. Don't assume that just because a relationship has problems, that the guy involved is a "jerk" per se.

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This sounds kinda like the "Nice Guy" attitude... you might want to look at Diggity's essay on the subject for some more info. In answer to your question, basically, because they're more assertive. Don't assume that just because a relationship has problems, that the guy involved is a "jerk" per se.

 

That essay is like... totally right. I've been a 'nice guy' and a 'doormat' and I've been used. I was just talking to my mate about this last night, we're in similar situations. 'Why do nice guys always finish last?' we asked ourselves. That actually really kinda explains it all...

 

It's hard when your self confidence has been a bit shot by someone though. You become good friends with a girl, then you become more than that for a while and then suddenly she doesn't want it, and she goes for some pot smoking 'jerk' who doesn't give a crap about her. That's what I don't understand... why young girls and women go for someone that is going to hurt them, and don't see the ones that really do care for them right in front of their eyes.

 

I suppose someone who does that isn't worth the time and effort...

 

To the OP: I know exactly how you feel! There's enough of us 'nice' guys out there that get screwed over and wonder why. Maybe it's just not what girls of our age are looking for right now, but one day we'll meet girls who WILL appreciate us for who we are and what we have to offer. Just takes time...

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Yeah man, there's being nice...then there is being TOO NICE. in example...being a doormat. That sounds like your problem...what I really think, is you just don't know how to flirt. Flirting in essense IS teasing and making fun, making play roles, being somewhat touchy WITH GIRLS(or guys for the girls reading this). You have to do it in a fun way...yeah you can cross the line a little, but that's the whole point is to test the boundaries and see if she likes you or not. I understand you probably don't get this yet, I didnt get it till I had just gotten out of highschool and how it worked...but that's it.

 

If she responds to your flirting, and is doing it back, then she's probably interested. Now don't get over-excited the first time this happens though, because some people just love to flirt and it can mix signals...which in some sense is the whole point. Girls dont want you to just come out and say "I'm a nice guy, and I like you, would you go out with me"...you've got to have some sense of adventure and make her wonder if you like her or not...and that's what gets you on her mind more because she won't know. I'm the same way with girls too...I dont really want a girl to just come out and say she likes me...in example, I flirted with a girl I worked with a little while back, and heavily, always messing back and forth with one another. Then yes, I wasn't sure if she liked me, but when one time we were messing around at work and poking one another, I grabbed her hand...and she let me hold it...obvious now there...isn't it? We went out like a week later.

 

You'll just have to learn, and don't expect to get it right on the first try...I screwed up a lot before I started to get it too(3 different times at 3 different points to be exact - *asked a girl out(very unconfidently, like I said above when asking a girl out nicely), and she picked up on my fear, I didn't get her number* - *got a phone number, didnt know what to talk about* - *got a couple of dates with a girl, but didnt go for first kiss* See it's all just a learning process.

 

Oh and by the way...I like how everyone is saying "women" will get it when they're 40...and "realize" about nice guys...what the heck, so musicguy, you really want to wait till you're 40 or so to get a date?...I didn't think so. Another thing, there is no "realizations" by women when they hit their forties or become desperate, stop hanging on to some fantasy that all women date are jerks. The point is just to be a MAN, and you'll have your respect.

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I think your problem is (as I've said in your other threads) is that you are going for women who are inappropriate for you, 17-20 year olds.... of course these women are not looking to "settle down." you need to look for women in your own age range.

 

i don't think you have "nice guy syndrome." i think you are just looking for love in all the wrong places. sane, healthy, mature women LIKE nice guys. The women you are dating don't have the dating experience yet to know that bad boys are BAD and that nice guys are the ones you want. When I was 17, I was also going for the bad boys. But now I run the other way. I know better now, because of my age and experience.

 

Really, the women you are dating are far too young.

 

Why do women go for jerks? It is like this..... In high school... I had a friend. your typical nice guy. always was respectful and kind towards me. After we graduated and I moved away, he told me that he had a major crush on me for the last 4 years..... too little, too late!! The nice guy didn't have the .... confidence to just ask me out. Had he just asked me out, or made it clear he was interested in me, I would have likely gone out with him. On the other hand, who was asking me out? The popular, confident, arrogant guys. Guys in high school who would just walk up to me and say, "I want to watch this movie. Come with me." And I said ok, and sooner or later, they broke my heart. What the "bad boys" have is confidence, and loads of it. confidence is sexy, and it is very flattering when a guy makes a move for you like that.

 

However, 10 years of that, and you hit your mid 20s wanting to find a man who is confident, yet kind and nice and dependable. and not a jerk! ie, he does what he says he is going to do, and is respectful but believes in himself.

 

If you are going for high schoolers and young women fresh out of high school, they haven't learned this lesson yet. so, I think this is why your love life is not satisfactory.

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I am too nice for my own damn good. Girls say they want a nice guy but they NEVER go for me.

 

I don't think that broad, sweeping generalizations are good. I am dating a nice guy, as are most of my friends. We LIKE nice. Some people like to blame their lack of love life on "being too nice." More likely, something else is going on, like they are painfully shy.

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They say that good girls go for bad boys. That has some truth behind it. im guilty of it myself. I was young and i was exploring life. Nice guys are for girls ready to commit and/of settle down. They go for the tougher guys because theres somewhat no commitment behind that and after youre tired of them you have reason why to dump them. I did that, i was friends with my now b/f and dating nothing but bad boys. Then after a while it got old and i was tired of being hurt and he proved himself to be true and here we are 5 years later IN love. He's my PRINCE CHARMING. I love him with all my heart. I use to call him the saint because he was just absolutely perfect i didnt think men like this still existed.

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Well you see it really depends on the situation...

 

I've been in as close to love with this girl as I spose I ever have been in my short 17 years. We were close friends for over a year and one night while we were both drunk we took it a little futher. Needless to say I had the night of my life. Here was this girl who I really had fallen for over time and we were having fun and cuddled each other to sleep.

 

But then she decides that no, there's something she doesn't want... She told me previously that she liked me alot, but then she suddenly decides that I'm a great guy but she doesn't see us going anywhere.

 

I guess I'm slowly getting over it... We stopped talking for a but and she noticed that I'd been ignoring her. When she asked if she'd done anything to make me not want to talk to her I was thinking 'well no bloody kidding, you only broke my heart...' but I said it was my fault and that I shouldn't have let things go that far. She said that she missed me and that what we had as friends means alot to her, but then she goes and hooks up with me and ruins the friendship. I mean I still want to be friends with her... but how can you still be friends with someone that you still have feelings for and are trying to get over? I don't think it will ever be quite what it was... it was special.

 

Instead she decided to go after someone who treated her like a sl** and didn't give a crap about her, when I know that I would have treated her so much better... it's the classic going for what's bad for you thing. I only hope that one day she realises what she missed out on and learns from it.

 

I'm ready to move on, but I don't quite know how to do that... I feel lonely now because I lost something special with someone I really fell for and it will never be the same again.

 

Sorry I'm hijacking this thread... just realised!

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Dude,

 

Be honest with yourself: are you saying that you are not a jerk ? Come on, everyone is a jerk at sometime in thier life. All human beings do rude things to other people. We are all guilty...start of by telling the truth...

 

why do some girls go for jerks ?? here are some reasons....

 

1. Jerks have more confidence and direction in thier life. But of course you don't need to be a jerk to have confidence and direction. You just need to know where you are going. Girls want to be led. Leading a girl means knowing your pathway in life, and inspiring her to accompany you on your journey....what are you passionate about ?? Music ?? Sports ?? Politics ?? I have no problem attracting girls because i am a passionate person. I get passionate about politics, and having been involved in socialist causes for a long time...i get passionate when i am involved in pro life groups, pro animal rights groups, anti poverty movements, anti racist movments, and the life.......what is your passion ??? be like the Crocodile hunter...find your passion !!! you need a passion that inspires people, and that will draw people towards you....

 

2. Jerks understand that relationships are reciprocal....this means that you can't expect a girl to like you just because you write some poem for her. It's ok if a girl rejects you. Everyone gets rejected. Just keep trying. Keep trying until you find a girl who loves you for who you are. Someone who will love you even if you don't write poems, give flowers...maybe you are just trying to hook up with the wrong type of girls for you...keep trying until you find one who loves you for who you are....

 

3. Jerks understand that girls need protection. Girls need leadership and protection from thier man. A girl needs someone to fight for her. If you can't fight for yourself, can you expect her to believe that you will fight for her ????

 

just some thoughts

 

donn't complain. Be happy with what you have. Enjoy your single days. Love your single life, and when you find a girlfriend, love her and appreciate her. Too many people throw away thier single days, and then when they find someone they fail to show their appreciation. Enjoy what ever you have today - whether you are single or in a relationships....

 

girls aren't everything...be happy with yourself....thatz all that really matters..

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To the OP:

I am familiar with your earlier posts, so in your case not having luck in relationships is not about you being too nice guy, it's all about you making wrong decisions who to date.

 

Reasons why we end up with wrong and awfull person are not because of outside factors, but because of our choices.

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