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dont know where to go from here...very long, but any advice would be wonderful..


LDtime
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Ok, I am going to say sorry in advance because I think this is going to be long......

 

I will start from the beginning:

 

My boyfriend (well i guess ex now) were togeather for about a year and a half, he broke up with me yesterday. We are in a long distance relationship and spent a lot of time togeather over the holidays. In that time we told our families that we wanted to marry eachother and went and looked at rings togeather. We went as far as deciding where we wanted to get married, and alot of other details. And it was not just me, I am very scared of being hurt, so I would not go about planning those things on my own. He was very very involved, even at some points more than me. Our best friends were so excited for us, they have said how perfect we were togeather from the beginning.

We have never had major issues, we were a very strong couple with a foundation in God. As christians we made commitments to eachother about the direction and priorities of our relationship.

We got in a small argument a few days ago, I really dont even remember what it was about. But the next day he had lost his phone so we only talked online. I was feeling somewhat lost about the direction of our relationship at that point, really just feeling insecure about not being about to talk to him, and I had asked God for guidence. I do not like to see anything wrong in our relationship, at least not anything that we can't work through. I was just feeling uneasy, and just put it in god's hands.

The next day when my ex-bf and I got a hold of eachother on the phone he sounded very strange. I knew something was going on but I could not get him to say it. Finally he told me that he did not think that he wanted to marry me anymore, that he thought he might be leaving me. I asked him where this came from and he told me that he has had this feeling in the back of his head for a while, and he was going along with the wedding stuff because he wants me to be happy. I think that this is the most hurtful thing I have ever heard. I mean just a few days earlier he told me that he had "the ring" narrowed down to two choices. I was trying to get answer's out of him for a long time (about 2 hours), I know I was being crazy--but have we not all been there at some point? And he was acting so cold and distant, this is not like him. He is a somewhat emotional person, and does not ever lie to me. So just the idea that he lied to me over the holidiays was a huge blow. I knew that there was something going on that I did not know about.

 

Finally, after about two hours of crying and trying to get answers--and him being as detached as possible, I stopped crying and tried to calm myself down. I asked him just to lisen to what I was about to tell him, he said ok, and I said "I just want you to know that I love you, and I will let you have your space, but until I know I need to walk away I will be here for you and will love you."

At this point he broke down, he cryed harder than I have ever heard him cry. This went on for about 45 minutes, and he could not even talk--or he was trying to and I could not hear any words. Eventually, I could here him say he was sorry for doing this to me, that I was too good for him and he really does not want to see me hurt. At this point I told him I forgave him (I did not think that this meant we were getting back togeather). I spent sometime whild we were on the phone, and he was crying, praying for him. I did this becuase he sound so hurt and I wanted him to have peace of mind. It hurts me to see him confused, and when I was praying for him the crying got louder, he told me it was because he was amazed that I put him in front of me at that point.

At this point we got off the phone, I told him I would leave the calling to him, and he could call me and tell me good night if he wanted to.

When he called me back he explained to me that his doubts about marrying me came from his fears that he would not be a good husband/father. Through all of this he had been saying that he loves me and wants to be with/marry me. He was telling me that he did not think he was going to be good enough because he did not have a relationship with god outside of our relationship. And w/out being a good christian man he could not be a good husband.

Then he started referring to it as a "break" and not a break up. Which I think taking a break is a load.

 

I dont know what to do. He says that in an ideal world I would wait for him, but he has not given me any reason to do that because of the way he treated me. And I dont feel like he is trying to fool me here.

 

Any thoughts would be so wonderful at this point. And even if you dont have a comment, thanks for taking the time to read.

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Hey LD-

 

First, let me say how sorry I am to hear this is happening. Reading this brought back a lot of memories for me, as I was in a very similar situation about 5 years ago...

 

A very important part of this post is quoted above. I do believe he is being as honest as his wisdom and introspection can provide at this point. And the description of his actions supports this. It all makes sense to me.

 

I think on top of the explanation he gave you, he had an idea of marrying you, planning the wedding, shopping for the ring, etc. Then when this scenario actually happened, it brought out a lot of these feelings he described that he was trying to suppress to realize his idea. I believe he is being honest with you. Did he handle it the best way possible? No, but I think he tried his best given the circumstances.

 

Maybe a little of this advice is biased because of my situation, but I don't think this is completely done yet. I think there is a chance. I would give it some time, some time to settle and sink in. Leave it alone and let the both of you sit with it and see what shakes out. Give it the weekend and touch base maybe later next week. My experience in situations like this tells me there is a period of comfort immediately following decisions like this followed by a flood of different feelings and perspectives.

 

I could describe some scenarios from here but let's wait and see what comes of some time and distance first...

 

I'm crying inside for you and in some senses hoping I can give you some advice to solve your problem here to find reconciliation for the outcome of my situation.

 

And now is most certainly the time to lean on your faith and work to solidify a belief there was some deeper reason for all this to be happening. In many senses, this is in God's hands at this point...

 

Again, I am very sorry this is happening to you. I know how you feel.

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hey, i know this is heartbreaking for you, but it sounds like he is trying to be very honest with you, and soulsearching himself before making a hollow commitment to something he is not sure of...

 

if you are a very devoted christian, and he is not sure that is the way it is going for him, then maybe he is afraid he WILL disappoint you because he does not have the same faith and value system you do...

 

i would suggest that you both take a little step back, and decide what is really important to you... and keep the lines of communication open between you without too much expectation on either person's part until you figure this out...

 

best of luck, it is good that he is being honest with you, and not just going along with the 'program' and bailing out when you have made a commitment and have children and a divorce to deal with...

 

it sounds like the two of you need more talks, and maybe there is still hope, but obviously, you both need to deal with the differences between you, and decide what is most important for each as individuals, and as a couple.

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Hi friscodj-

 

Thank you. I am, as you probably got, compleatly at a loss here. This is very true:

 

-----"My experience in situations like this tells me there is a period of comfort immediately following decisions like this followed by a flood of different feelings and perspectives."

 

After we got off the phone the first time, and through out the day today I have had a clam attidute about this situation. Don't get me wrong, I have had my moments where my heart literaly hurts as well.

Right now I am upset, becuase he said he was going to call me today, and it is 10 and he has not done so yet. I know I should be ok, I am not calling him, but I want to know that he is thinking about me. Plus, we talk every night...we get to talk about our days, I feel like he really does care. I have these moments like right now where I am crying, scared, and lost. Everything I was working toward has been taken away.

 

If he calls, I dont feel like I cant answer the phone, because then he will think I have not forgiven him. If and when I do answer the phone what should I say/ not say?

 

Thanks for reading.

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Hey LD-

 

I have a few thoughts to add here:

 

1) This situation may turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I think this experience will force you to become more independent which will ultimately benefit you for any relationship you have in the future, with him or not. Going through this separation, even if temporary, will force you to deal with tough problems and tough feelings which will give you experience for dealing with tough problems and tough feelings in a relationship as well. This wisdom will be invaluable in this sense. Of course this will happen underneath a lot of pain, suffering, and confusion, but there is benefit behind all this I think.

 

2) I urge you not to play games here. At this point and in this specific situation, not answering a phone call, for example, in the name of appearances is not the best route I don't think. You're not trying to show or prove anything to yourself or to him. Stay focused on the things that matter. Everything else takes a back seat.

 

3) I also don't think following a premeditated specific plan here is good either. The specifics of your communication will have to come from your judgment based on the situation as it unfolds. What you can plan for is a more general approach here, sort of a master plan here, and that is working towards the discovery of the truth here and some final resolution with all of this. I think the emotions need to settle in order for some accessible clarity and rational thought for this to happen from both sides. Keep that in mind too, that emotions will cloud a lot of truth behind what happens.

 

4) As well, your tone here is important too. You want this to work so show that in your tone, while at the same time trust your intuition and don't let yourself be jerked around. It's a delicate balance for sure. Remember you want to love yourself here too.

 

5) I guarantee with 100% certainty he is either hurting very badly right now too or will hurt very badly in the near future. Believe this. He is likely feeling many of the same things you are feeling. Understand this if you guys do talk in the future and work with these feelings instead of against them.

 

6) All this is easier said than done I know. Ultimately, you will suffer immensely. Try as well to look through that suffering to your intuition and your rational thoughts. Don't let the suffering dictate the situation here. You've got to prepare to walk away from this. This will free up your clarity and rational thought from the constraints of being solely focused on getting back together when doing such might not be the best thing.

 

7) Like I said, he sounds to be confused and giving control of a situation to a confused person creates more confusion and pain. So while you are giving him his space, take space for yourself as well, by getting clarity and direction on this so you'll be ready to provide such for any discussion you may have with him in the future.

 

8 ) All anyone can ask of themselves is to do the best they can with what they have when they have it. The rest is out of your hands. Again, now is the time to lean on your faith.

 

Again, I'm sorry to hear of this situation, I'm sorry to hear of your tears. I have shed a lot of tears in a similar situation but no matter what, I was fine and so too will you be. Focus on the basics, i.e., eating, sleeping, going to work/school, as neglecting these things really tends to amplify the negativity of the situation. You'll be fine no matter what. Life will go on. Don't forget that.

 

At any rate, I hope we can get you heading towards a happy ending here...

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