How long should I "wait?"

[Avocado Rivalry]

Hello all,

 

My ex-girlfriend and I started dating in our second year of high school. I just graduated college in December and she'll graduate at the end of February. In high school, things were as perfect as I could imagine a relationship being until I broke up with her. I did so to date the girl I thought I had loved, or at least liked a lot, before we had started dating just because it was something that would have always been on my mind. She was crushed, but we ended up getting back together when I realized I had made a big mistake. Things were back to normal and we ended up staying together in college. Our first two years were great, but after the summer going into our junior year up through the point where we "broke up" as opposed to being in an "open" kind of relationship at school (which was early October of 2006), I knew things weren't going in the right direction.

 

She began to drift away from me more and more, but she was never unfaithful. I had expressed interest in other girls because I was lonely and wasn't strong enough to be in a long distance relationship at that point and eventually that wore its toll on the relationship. This summer especially, she basically gave up on me. It was a combination of all these disappointments, the stage of depression I was going through that often stopped me from going out with our friends, and my temper which was far from being under control that put us where we are now.

 

So, we decided in October to stop talking to each other. It was really hard for me, and when we started talking again, she said it had been hard for her. I've been the only person she talks about regarding her family problems and other big things where at school, her friends don't hear much of her serious problems and she felt that she really needed that at times. She called me first, so she either felt bad about it or she really missed me. When we came home for thanksgiving, we hung out a lot and talked about the problems in our relationship (in the past we had just fought about them). In my mind, we were really making some progress, and after that break, I was really optimistic about us getting back together come Christmas time.

 

Also, over this time, I had made a lot of effort to correct the problems I had created in our relationship. I was seeing a counselor who really helped me figure out who I am, how I can make myself a better person, how I can control my anger, and how I can just be more accepting and happier with what is going on and especially what is out of my control. I really feel proud of all the progress I've made regardless of whether I get back together with her or not, but I'm not going to lie and say the personal growth I experienced was at least a result of our problems if not also an effort to make her realize that I can change. She did in fact notice these changes and was really proud of me, but...

 

We didn't get back together. Over Christmas break, we saw each other A LOT. I learned that she had been somewhat dating a guy who she was "only really dating for the attention and because he was seen as a 'top-prospect' among the girls in her sorority" and described him as having no future potential and a minor alcoholic. Basically, he was her guy to have fun with at Greek events and she was using him as a distraction from the fact that all her other roommates were in relationships. She also worked as an intern close to where we live and had found out one of the guys there liked her. Over break, she saw him a little and said while he was nice, he wasn't her type at all. However, she never told him about her situation with me and never told him about her pseudo-boyfriend at school, which in my situation or not, I would've thought that is not the way to handle the situation. I also learned that she had been with other people sexually which was really difficult for me to hear because we were each other's firsts, and while I had been with one other person after we had broken up, I still really regret doing it.

 

So, I have no idea how to interpret her actions right now. While she's obviously exploring other options, she's also told me that she loves me still, that this is a hard thing to do for her, and to wait until June when we're both working in the same city. Knowing how we've worked over the last years, I'd say it's more likely than not that we'll get back together at some point within the next 6 months, but it's not that about which I'm worried. I'm worried if things can actually work again. I feel like she has stayed with me through so many issues that she may not be able to love me like she used to again. Yes, I wouldn't have changed if things didn't work out the way they did, but it's a lot harder to look at the future benefits than the current situation, especially when I love her so much.

 

I couldn't deal with talking to her and not being with her, so I decided we wouldn't talk anymore at the beginning of this month, and so far I've stuck to my promise. The last time this happened, it took her a month to call me, and as of now it's been about 3 weeks. I feel like I've passed that peak of me being ok with everything and now I'm back on the way down. It doesn't help that I'm done with school and my job doesn't start with months, making me completely bored all the time, but distractions or not, I need help. I miss her so much and I feel like things could be great again with all the personal progress I've made, but I don't know if it's possible for her to "start over" or at least make the necessary compromises and accept that I apologize and worked on my faults from the past few years. I'm also scared that she has too much power at this point in the relationship. While I'm trying to become more independent and happier with who I am as a person outside of a couple, the struggles I went through at school, being away from home, her, and having very few friends still weigh heavily on me. I need her to be there to help me through this and realize that I'm willing to work rather than criticize me and delay my progress.

 

I feel that I'm very realistic and perceptive about where I am. If I tweaked my situation to go along with what I wanted to happen, any advice wouldn't help me, so I've tried to be as real and honest as I can. We're both very motivated people with great futures ahead of us. I also feel that there are very few, if any, people that can treat a girl like I can, especially with the feelings I have for her. I've always been a romantic person and it shows through the small things I do for her on a regular basis. I have never cheated on her nor have I intentionally harmed her in any way. I feel that everything I have going for me warrants a better situation for me, but unfortunately life doesn't work that way. I know that I deserve and can/will eventually have someone that appreciates me as much as I want, but right now I feel that that person can still be her.

 

So, our anniversary is coming up on St. Patrick's Day and she'll be home for at least a little while at the beginning of March. I kind of expect to hear from her around then, if not earlier than that. I don't know if I can wait that long though. I want to talk to her, but that's probably not a great idea right now. So, what should I do? At this point, the uncertainty of our relationship and the hope that we'll get back together or at least have a big conversation about it keeps my mind on her all the time and stops me from moving on. I have no problems with her and even when I try to follow some people's advice of making a list of all the "bad" things about her, I end up thinking about everything good about her. I'm most likely not going to be in the situation to even meet a potential new girlfriend any time soon, and even if I were, I'm nowhere near ready for a new relationship right now. How should I handle this? Should I call her now, should I call her ever, and what should I look out for when/if we begin to discuss a reconciliation?

 

I've never believed in intentionally ignoring someone to make them miss you. I believe if I love her, I should be able to say so and she shouldn't have to go through this experimentation phase anymore.

Are we too different at this point? Has she moved on and hasn't admitted it to herself yet? Is there any ever hope for situations like this to remedy themself?

 

Sorry this is so long, but thanks for the help!

[FCTex]

You sounded like me a year ago. I was so deep into it, that I swore to myself I could remedy the situation..

 

From what I took from your post, it really just sounds like everyones being stubborn, but part of me feels like you both have moved past where you thought you were.

 

The multiple break ups, and the open contact lead me to believe she has no remorse about anything she's doing, and doesn't feel wrong with sharing it with you.

 

Your going to eat yourself alive tearing this all apart at the moment.. You really should take a step back and let things cool off and work it out..

 

This isn't like HS anymore. You both can't leave and come from a successful relationship and pick it back up.. College and being 20's leads people in opposite directions, and people do things you wouldn't have ever thought of.

 

The fact you resent some of the things you did, and she did doesn't help. One strong admission I have with EVER wanting to get back with my ex, would be her sexual promescuity. It eats me up everytime I tried to think about it. I didn't want to live with, "okay". I wanted to live with something I "loved".

 

Things are a mess, and you shouldn't have to fix it alone. Infact you shouldn't have to piece it together and teach yourself to be okay with the remains.. It's like breaking your favorite beer glass.. Don't glue it together, and try and make yourself love to drink out of it just the same. You'll end up with a mess sooner or later when it comes unglued, and the second/third time around, when it shatters-- you might get cut.

 

Stay strong.