I know he's unhappy, but he won't talk

[avalonia]

I've been dating this guy for over 18 months now, and we truly are best friends. Our lives are very enmeshed and we've been through a lot together, including one breakup that lasted a month or so, which he initiated quite abruptly.

 

Its cause? According to him, he didn't think I loved him. According to me? The stress he was experiencing with finances (he's in a huge amount of debt) and his new job, and how he was responding to them, made me question whether this was a good match for us.

 

Problem was, before the breakup, I'd try talking to him about it, and he insisted he was deeply in love with me, was perfectly happy with me, etc. I'd ask him why and he'd say, "Because you're you." While that's awfully sweet, I'd come back with, " * * * does that mean?"

 

Same thing is basically going on now with us. The sex has slacked off considerably (it's me, not him. I never want it, and part of it is that I'm just not a high-libido person...I'm really not...but I'm not naive enough to believe there's not something more to it than that). When we did have sex last week, lubricated by several glasses of wine, he revealed to me how "freaky" he likes it. I got kind of upset and said, "I'm just not that freaky, and maybe you need someone who is." His reply was, "I love you for you. Whatever you are, freaky or not, I'm happy with."

 

He's not being straight with me. Why?

 

I know he's not happy. I know he's not. I'm not either...at least with the romantic element of our relationship. I love our friendship. I love how much in common we share. But there are things I don't like, and I'm pretty sure he knows what they are but doesn't really want to face them.

 

But every time I try to give him an opportunity to tell me about his feelings, he insists he's happy.

 

I feel like the only way I'll get him to be honest about his unhappiness is if I come right out with mine...and then he'll want to focus on that and then I'll feel guilty.

 

Not quite sure how to broach this conversation and hope for different results. Suggestions?

[robowarrior]

You want a friend, not a lover.

 

Sex is the most important thing to a guy, its the way how he shows that he loves you. Rejecting him, translates to him as ' you don't want me ' , that's why you got the ' i don't think you love me '

 

Clearly both of you want to totally different things out of this relationship. He wants the sex, you want the romance. If you want to make it compatible, then plan that you do something very romantic first , and then something sexy. If he likes something freaky don't reject him. All the comments you make of , "im not into that, im not into sex, im not into you ' can you see how all these signals towards him act as the message ' i reject you!' ?

 

Accept him, accept his love, accept the romance, accept the sex. If you do not accept it(and you can be totally honest to yourself about that) then for heavens sake leave him, guy + girl as friends = impossible, unless both are gay or lesbian there will always be attraction to eachother. You are putting him in the friendzone while he has put you in the ' i love you and want to be with you zone' .

 

You have to make up your mind and work it out, as you have seen by now the whole ' lets just be friends' thing is an impossible situation to keep up. He already took it up to the next level in terms of wanting a relationship with you.

 

The question with keeping in mind that you can't keep him as a friend is, what do you want?

[honeyspur]

Robo is right about this - if you are getting so agitated by his advances, you must let him go and stop trying to change him.

I've dated more than a few guys in the past who really didn't need sex at a constant rate. They were more on my level - and they were able to catch on to my subtlety.

Don't fear - you can be single again and meet a guy that's more on your drive or at least is patient enough to understand and co-operate with you.

If you truly love him, then suggest going to a counselor together.

It is also possible that you have some issues about sex that need to be addressed. Only you know what they are and I suggest giving some thought on how to change your outlook or get more interested.

Most people who claim to have low-libidos, actually just have judgements and opinions about sex and an awkwardness in themselves. Past sexual experience or how one is raised to think of sex plays a part as well.

 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.