broke NC (I Know...)

[HDD]

So, out of sheer impulse, i emailed my ex yesterday to ask him how he was doing. (by the way, he called me two weeks ago and i missed his call, but didnt think it was urgent caues he didnt leave a message so i never called him back). After i send my email (of course i hate myself right after i did it), he replies in like 2 min and tells me he called because he needed to talk to me about this horrible experience he had. I never returned his call so he's been worried and he misses me a lot. .

I feel kind of bad for not answering his call but how was I to know he went through something and he needed to 'talk'. If it was that bad, he would have called me later. I was in no mood to talk back then, so i am glad i didnt answer. However, now, I dont know if i should call him or not. I dont want to get back ( atleast not right now) with him and i dont think he does either, but i know he doesnt want me totally out of his life, and neither do I.

What should I do!?

[SuperDave71]

HDD,

 

I am going to get the duct tape and duct tape you to the floor.

 

OK...who wants to hold her down!!!???

 

 

I am doing this for your own good. *sigh*

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Scout]

Why did you two break up? What was your relationship generally like before you did? Be as honest as you possibly can with that last question. Sometimes in retrospect, things can seem better or worse than they actually were.

[HDD]

I know Superdave! I dont know what i was thinking! I def. need to be duct taped to the floor!

Scout, we broke up because religious pressure from both sides of the family, his and mine. The two of us were great together. We complimented each other. WE were never the problem (sometimes yes, but which couple doesnt have problems). But we used to always work things out. but this was too much to deal with for both of us, and after 6 years (5 very memorable ones), we deiceded to call it quits becuase we did not want to get into something and end of getting a divorce. We didnt want to break up, but had no choice. We were best friends and more. I dont know if this answers your question or not, but thats the short honest version. Let me know if you need to know more.

So, after that, was what I did stupid of me?

[Scout]

How did you two manage to withstand pressure for six years, then one day just decide to throw in the towel? Something seems off here. Are you sure there were no other reasons? It seems after six years your families would have been resigned to you two being together. I don't understand this.

[HDD]

okay. the first few years we did not even think about the religious issues. we were just in love. after that, he was willing to make the changes my family asked him to, and I was already being a part of his. Then, his parents became religious and startted pressuring him. He ignored it for years but on our 6th year, it was getting to him.. and i he started to change. When i say change, i dont mean his love towards me, but the fact that he needs to make changes to be part of my family. Even though my parents like him a lot, and his parents liked me a lot, we both had pressure to change. And we both didnt want to. And then we thought, well if they are doing this now, what will they do when we get married and start having kids? we both love each other but also love our family and we want them to be a part of our life. He always wanted me to rebel/run away with him (but deep down inside, he wanted me to be happy and he knew thats not what I would do to start a life with him). So, we tried to break up in July of last year, but we gave in in the hope that One of us will make the big change, but we never did and this time, its for real. We both wont do it, so whats the point. I guess u can say that we were together too long and if anything had to happen, like marriage, it should have happened a long time ago.

Maybe in some way, i was scared to get married (and i should have after 2 years of dating him). I dont know why? now, i feel like maybe it was for a reason... but I sure as hell have no idea why.

[Scout]

Well, what a sad ending to an otherwise happy relationship. Too bad you let your families' influence things.

[SuperDave71]

HDD,

 

I have to agree with Scout on this one. It is a shame you are letting your familes influence your decison to be together.

 

 

I wish you the best no matter what you do!

 

 

*Gosh*

 

Why is Scout always right? Gah lee...... *sigh*

 

 

 

 

HIYA SCOUT!!!

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Scout]

Dave, it helps to go back over previous threads, which I did in HDD's case. I didn't find any info about the break up, so wanted to ask what happened before I definitely said yes/no to No Contact.

 

NC is not an all purpose solution. At least I don't think it is.

 

Oh, and "Hey there!"

[HDD]

yes I know. Its stupid and its a lame reason to end something so special. And i probably might never forgive myself for it, but I know that i will never do it to my children or anyone who is in the same boat as I was.

but in a way, i guess we both just started to grow apart from all this and in the end, it just didnt feel right. Its weird how things like this happen and it just really makes me mad at how the people int his world are so stuck on ONE religion. This really helped me view things on a entirely different level and gave me a whole new perspective on life.

[HDD]

the reason I didnt mention much about the break up is because I knew that people will think its a STUPID reason. But we really didnt have any choice. maybe we did, but its over and now I need to move on and learn from it.

[blender]

It's important to stop "blaming your families" and to start taking responsibility for your own choices.. if YOU did not want to "change' or "grow into a new religion" for each other.. well then that was YOUR choice. It's too bad if the FACT actually is that you felt too much pressure from your families and literally made a choice on thier behave instead of your own hopes, dreams, and love for each other.

 

But if you yourself did NOT want to "change yourself or accept him as he is" well then it's best that you move on, maintain no contact, and make sure not to "start" a relationship with anyone who does not share you same religious beliefs... if in fact those beliefs are something that are of the utmost importance within your own values and standards.

 

I know many couple who are of different religions and still got married and chose to respect the "differences" in each other, and to celebrate each others faith, while still respectfully loving thier families, and being open to learning and experiencing another faith and maintaining their own at the same time. It's all about "acceptance" of yourself, and of your partner.. if you can not find this 'acceptance' in your heart for each other's faith, then it's best to let go with love and move on...

 

But hopefully this break up was NOT just a result of "family pressure' but instead because of your personal choice.

 

Also, if he really wanted to talk to you about his "experience" when he called awhile back, then all he had to do was to call you again..he chose not to.. that is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBLITY.. that is his.. he made NO effort to contact you and express that "he needed to talk".. that is HIS problem, not yours...

[notsomuch]

NC is like a strict diet, you know your going to break it, but when you do you have to start again to get back to that ultimate goal.

[That tape idea sounds pretty good]

[HDD]

Blender, you are right. its NOT about our families. Yes, maybe partly... but not entirely.

To tell u honestly, I believe i was totally accepting of who HE was and what he believed in. I was a part of everything him and his family did. I had no problems with that, i actually enjoyed it, most of the time. But it wasnt the same for him. He enjoyed it the first couple of years but then, he started to feel indifferent about it and not want to be a part of things. Its not that i wanted him to change, i love him for who he is, but when you are in a relationship with different cutlural and religious beliefs, you have to be open and wiling to do a lot of things that you normally woudlnt. and I guess in a way, he got tired of it.

I also have a lot of friends who are married and come from different religious backgrounds, just like our situtaion. but in their cases, the guys are more laid back and they havent gotten bored of their wife's culture and religious pracitices. I dont blame my family for any of this, or his. I believe if we TRULY wanted to be with each other, or he wanted to be with me, he would do the right thing and not give up.

[HDD]

you're right. if he needed to talk, he would have called back. I knew that! I just had to hear it from you guys.

i dont know whats wrong with me. but i am NOT going to contact him anymore.

[blender]

Good for you.. taking the emotional responsiblity is a sign of your own maturity.. and for now your ex is not capable of the same level of commitment and maturity.. so maintain "no contact" and take the "red-flag" of him "projecting his responsiblity on to you" by saying something as immature as "I wanted to talk to you about a horrible experience, but YOU didn't call me"..UGH, what did he forget YOUR number, did his fingers fall off?? NO... he made a choice to NOT call back again, yet he blames you.......THAT RIGHT THERE IS A REASON NOT TO BE WITH HIM...

[HDD]

what would I do without you guys!

You're so Right Blender... i didnt see it like that, but now it makes SO much sense. He is quite selfish isnt he, I always felt that. Everything was always about HIM and I seriously dont like people like that. Why is he any different!

[Scout]

what would I do without you guys!

You're so Right Blender... i didnt see it like that, but now it makes SO much sense. He is quite selfish isnt he, I always felt that. Everything was always about HIM and I seriously dont like people like that. Why is he any different!

 

But was there a balance in how much of your different cultures and practices were acknowledged? Was he doing more of your's, or vice versa?

 

I guess I'm confused. You said he was great, the relationship was great, other than the religious differences...now all of a sudden he is quite selfish?

 

I'm not trying to criticize you, with my observations or questions. But if you are going into NC, don't do it out of stubborness, or provoking him to make a move. Do it because you know in your heart you two don't work. And I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that, because you made it work for six years! That's a long time.

[HDD]

well, i guess not. I was more into his stuff than he was into mine. But most of the time, he would participate and make me happy. But after a while he kind of wasnt so enthusiastic about it and from that point onwards, he started to change. Yes we made it work for 6 years, probably because of me, cause I have the lets work things out attitude.

The reason I am doing NC is not because i want him to call me, i really dont want to talk to him about anything right now. I feel like after everything we;ve been through and even though he knew this wont be easy, he gave up and decided to do what he feels most comfortable doing. In that way, i think he's selfish. I was willing to make sacrifices for him, and i wanted the same from him... but it felt like a one way street.

[DN]

I don't think it is helpful to characterize the reasons for a break-up as 'stupid' as that is a subjective judgment. But generally the reasons for a break-up can be described as 'capable of resolution' or 'incapable of resolution'.

 

If a couple truly love each other then the reasons are usually able to be resolved and it is often the case that couples simply haven't tried or been able to do that in an effective way. So they give up.

 

I suspect that is what happened in your case.

 

I also think his e-mail to you was quite possibly an attempt to reach out - and you missed the significance.

Instead of finding reasons to continue the break-up I think your future happiness would be better served by finding reasons to fix the relationship. A lifetime of regret can be a bitter thing.

 

p.s. don't let pride stand in the way of happiness.

[HDD]

DN, Thats an entirely different attitude towards this situation ad I appreciate your point of view. Even though i would like to believe he was trying to reach out, i think its in my best interest to leave him alone and to give myself some time to figure things out. I dont want to make a relationship work if the other party isnt in it or interested as much as I am. He wanted this break up more than I did, so i am not going to worry about US anymore. I have tried to FIX our relationship more than I should have in the past and for once, it would be nice to have the other person WANT to fix something. I dont want to be with someone who takes the easy way out rather than work on the issues and try and make it work. Thats not how long term relationships work, especially Marriage!

If you said this 5 months ago, I would have put my pride aside and reached out, but this time, I just dont feel like putting the energy into this anymore. I'm just tired and need a break from everything.

I hope I am making some sense.

[DN]

You are making sense if your premise is that you don't love him.

 

But I think you are projecting how you think he feels instead of finding out for sure what he really feels. Unless you talk you will never know what he really thinks.

 

I think you do love him. And I think you will look back on this time with a great deal of regret as an opportunity lost. It's very sad.

[HDD]

of course i love him and that wont go away for a long time. But i am just tired of making this work with nothing from his end. so, i believe its best, for now, to let it go, even though its very hard, but I must do it.

If he feels the same way, then he should be the one to call me and try and talk to me, if thats what he really wants. But i dont feel that same vibe from him.

[DN]

He did call you. He called and said he needed to talk to you about a horrible experience he had. In my book, that is reaching out. It may be a small sign but it is a sign.

 

If you are hoping for a grand gesture or even a small one I doubt you will get it. This may be all he feels able to do at this time.

 

But getting back together is best attempted with small steps and small gestures. If his message was a small step then the next step is up to you.

 

Been there - done that. And have a 32 year marriage because neither of us ignored the first small steps.

[Scout]

DN gave me sage advice when my own boyfriend and I broke up for a couple of months. He knows of what he speaks. If it wasn't for his advice, we never would have reconciled, because I never would have contacted him...which I fixated on not doing out of injured pride and fear of rejection. True love is risking both.