Need Advice ASAP - Sexual Advances from Co-Worker

[bmk4343]

Hi Everyone,

 

I spent this past weekend at a trade show in Las Vegas with my company who I have been working at for 3 months. After a night of excessive drinking (I don't drink much and couldn't handle it), one of our out of state sales reps walked me to my room - I was thankful because I had definitely drank to much and wanted to be sure to get back safe.

 

He came into my room and proceeded to put his mouth on mine and try to kiss me hard while feeling me up. I was tired, drunk and it took me about 3-5 seconds to push him away and get him out of my room, but he even tried again as he was walking out!!

 

I am 27 years old and he is about 60 - he just had his first grandchild, he has kids older than me and he is married. AND, I have a steady boyfriend of 2 years. I am not used to this crap, and feel so crappy. I know I was drinking, but I was not flirting or anything with this man. He's married - I don't do that crap!!! There was never any attraction to him. I love my boyfriend to death and plan on marrying him.

 

The problem is, I am supposed to go to California with him next month and visit clients and ride around for 2-3 days. I don't want to go. I am so uncomfortable around him. I wanted to say something, but there was no chance - there were people around constantly and he acted like nothing happened. Calling me kiddo, joking with me...GRRR.. I hate him!!!

 

So I need to get out of this trip. I don't lie in my life.... Should I tell my boss what happened. Tell him I don't want a big issue made out of it, but I don't want to travel alone with him?? I told my boyfriend what happened, and he thinks I should tell my boss. And I should say something to the man - not let him think he got away with it. I am tending to agree.

 

Any advice? Please!! I think if I do tell my boss it needs to be done sooner rather than later.

 

Thanks!!

[Iceman26]

I would probably talk with your Human Resources department as well as talking to your boss. It could be that you aren't the only one that has had an incident with this guy.

 

You shouldn't have to be uncomfortable doing your job. Sorry to hear that this happened.

[shes2smart]

You've definitely got grounds for a formal complaint. If you're going to file a complaint, sooner rather than later is better.

 

At my company we've recently been subjected to the corporate "Sexual Harassment" videos. Given the business climate these days, I'd be surprised if your company didn't have a written policy about that sort of thing.

 

Then again, at my last employer that sort of thing (and worse) went on all the time at the local office and local management turned a blind eye to it.

 

In any event a formal complaint against someone will usually get them to stop bothering you. In many cases, the person truly didn't mean to offend you. Not saying that's so in your case, but you may want to approach it from that angle...telling your boss that you'd like to believe it was ignorance or a lapse in judgement on your co-worker's part rather than going to your boss and making a scene about "that lecherous old man," y'know?

 

Also, you might want to consider refraining from consuming any alcohol at anything even remotely work-related. It clouds your judgement and blurs the lines between 'work' and 'personal.

 

After over 20 years in the work world, I have yet to see a situation where alcohol in a work or work-related situation are a good combination.

[Scout]

The big obstacle here is that you over-drank that night. I don't doubt that you're telling the truth, but because you were drinking, there is too much of a gray area going on here, where the guy could indignantly refute your claims. So a formal complaint might not do much good. However - an INFORMAL talk with your boss about this is a reasonable first step. As long as you are honest about how much alcohol you had.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't pursue any kind of sexual harassment complaint because of the alcohol issue. Unfortunately, that wasn't professional behavior, either. But I would just tell your boss what happened and say, look, how should I handle a trip with this guy now? To be honest, I really don't feel comfortable doing it.

 

I think your boss will probably come up with a workable solution.

[BellaDonna]

I think you should tell your boss about it- and why you are so uncomfortable about the California trip. Is he "friends" with your boss?

 

I also think you should tell your boyfriend so that you have someone close to you to talk to about it. It sounds like a very disturbing experience. I'm sorry that it happened to you. Your co-worker sounds creepy. By no means should you be forced to travel with him again after he bahved that way.

 

BellaDonna

[blender]

Well, the first thing you can do is to know that HE should NOT have behaved that way, also it's "lesson" for you to NOT get drunk with business associates.. it's never a good idea to mix "getting drunk with any business trip".. I know so many people do..but who wants to live with the remorse, the regret of anything said or done when drinking with business associates. You can protect yourself more from these kind of weirdos if you are sober and have your wits about you.. thank god you had the courage and mind to get rid of him, out the door, and that you are safe.

 

AS far as the trip goes, set some boundaries for yourself, be strong, if you do go at all, then look the guy right in the eye, and say, "I want to be perfectly clear that this is kept professional, do you undestand me?" and I'm sure he will shake his head yes.. (IF HE EVEN REMEMBERS WHAT TOOK PLACE).

 

He's one of those 'yukky older work guys", I had one of those once, years ago.. and it was so upsetting, and YUK... but it's most important to write it down in a letter, and mail the letter to yourself, do not open it, but save it sealed and post marked, just in case it happens again, then you have some record of the incident.

 

As far as your boss goes, yes I think you should tell him, or you can just make up another excuse not to go on the trip as well, but make sure that you are aware of what kind of man your boss is, is he a stand up guy? Or as someone else suggested your human resource department.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you, be more aware of yourself next business trip, NO GETTING DRUNK.. and always have a female friend at work whom you can trust so you can look out for each other too.. or even a male friend whom you respect and can trust, tell someone what happened so there is some kind of record of it.. Do you think the guy is harmless and was a drunk idiot?, not that it matters, HE was WRONG in his choice of behavior..I'm sure you were shocked and scared when he followed you into your room ugh.. so sorry you went through this.. it's so NOT RIGHT...

[BellaDonna]

He's one of those 'yukky older work guys",

 

I agree, and my hunch is that you're not the only once he tried this on....

[Scout]

In all fairness, there are people of all ages and both genders who act inappropriately at work or outside of it at social work get-togethers.

 

Sorry, I feel I have to point this out in case any "older" people are reading this thread and thinking, hey! Wait a minute here...

[blender]

Yes Scout, you're absolutely right, perhaps I was "too" descriptive.. it doesn't matter what the age or gender, the behavior was inappropriate. And we all must be responsible for our own actions.

 

Unfortunately, some guys just think that a girl is a "free and open" if she's been drinking, NOT THAT IT'S RIGHT FOR HIM TO THINK THIS WAY..YUK, but be careful, set some standards for yourself, and some boundaries.. take care of you, HE was WRONG. And "Scout" as always has some great objective advice... unfortunately because you yourself were drunk too, it always makes it a bit more difficult for "some people" to view you as the victim you were.. and YOU were a Victim.. he was wrong to behave that way. You were hoping he would get you to your room safely and be a gentlemen.. but he was not. I wouldn't want to be alone with him again either... but you are strong and can have the self respect to set some very clear boundaries for yourself, and be sure to start with not mixing "drunk with business".

[bmk4343]

Thank you everyone, for the great advice. I think the consensus is I need to have an informal chat with my boss. Someone asked if my boss is a stand-up guy and he really is. He is a wonderful boss and a person I highly respect. So I feel pretty comfortable bringing this to him. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't unreasonable and I wasn't just stirring things up in the workplace. I do want more of an un-formal complaint, like someone said. And HR is out of our corporate office and all of us have met the HR person only once at an orientation, so I probably won't bring this up to them.

 

And I agree - no more getting drunk at business functions. A hard but good lesson I will never forget!!! It was hard with everyone buying me shots and cheering me on - my initiation they called it. But I certainly knew better and I am an adult who can control what I do an don't consume.

 

I feel much better about talking to my boss - this is a great forum and I am excited to have found it! I will be using it in the future and hope to contribute some advice myself!

 

Thanks again!!

[Scout]

You're most welcome! I also want to add I'm glad you were able to at least immediately resolve the situation when it occurred. It certainly was unpleasant. And it's great you learned a lesson about the drinking in social fuctions with co-workers. Wish I could say I never had to learn such a lesson myself, but unfortunately, I did.