should try to re-unite my family?

[PaulMn]

I was with my wife and family for 14 years. We split up in March 2006

 

I am wondering if I should try to re-unite my family?

 

Lots of people talk seem to encourage others to move on. There seems to be a lot less encouragement to try to put things back together.

 

I'm worried that if I move on without having given us another chance, that I will keep feeling bad.

 

We had communication problems, (I talk, she prefers not to) but we didn't hate each other when we split up. I had been lonely, even within the marriage, because we did not feel like a couple anymore. So I started seeing somebody else. But I didn't want to lose my family. (I know that makes no sense).

 

I went to stay with my family for a few days in October, to see if we wanted to get back together. For the first couple of days it seemed like we could. But then we both had doubts, and thought we might not be happy together.

 

I think she has moved on, assuming it's all over. She is talking about divorce now. We were together for so long, so I want to know I gave us a real chance for the family to continue.

 

What to do?

 

Paul

[samross]

I'm worried that if I move on without having given us another chance, that I will keep feeling bad.

You will. If you feel it deserves another try then TRY AGAIN. Especially when it involves a family. If you can make that work then DO IT.

 

I think she has moved on, assuming it's all over. She is talking about divorce now. We were together for so long, so I want to know I gave us a real chance for the family to continue.

 

If she wants to try again, and it sounds like since you guys had even a short time period that was good, then perhaps consider trying again for some agreed-upon time period and then at the end of that periof, talk about it and see how you both feel. Have the two of you been to counciling? That can help tremendously if both parties want it to work.

[Siriana]

Looks like you already had that talk.

Now let's see, if you choose to try again what are really chances of reconciliation?

Stepping into their life again, and than things not working again would be a really bad thing for the kids.

[samross]

Did the two try to get help as a couple or did they just exist together for years and hope things would get better on there own? Also, how bad for the kids would depend on how bad the relationship is to begin with. If there is fighting, yelling, etc., then getting back together is probably not the best thing. But id there is something missing that the two of them can find, then maybe they should try one more time.

[Scout]

Are you still involved in any way, shape, or form with the other woman? And does your wife even know about her?

[Jeff777]

Well - back and forth on kids is devastating. If you feel you can make it with your wife - then axe the girlfriend (don't keep her as your ace up the sleeve) - this is hard I know.

 

Decisions, decisions. Do you BOTH really want to work on the marriage?

Maybe for now - you start over if its in both of your hearts. Date, etc. and the rest will become apparent.

 

People need to change in order for a bad relationship to get better. Eh?

Willing people and time will do this if its meant to be.

[Beec]

My worry here is that you both seem to be already out. In other words, you are not thinking of the relationship as I prefer to think of it, a committment. I don't want to try and then get out when I fail, you need to keep trying. And I think if you express doubts about the divorce being the right thing and express a desire to really be committed, then maybe you'll have a chance.

 

I would also be concerned about the other woman, and it's not clear what happened. She has to go.

[truevox]

I think Samross touched on this above, but I STRONGLY second the idea of councleing, or another form of couples help. It can be VERY good to be able to get stuff out in a "Safe" environment.

[PaulMn]

Looks like you already had that talk.

We did. We both felt comforted by the idea of being a family again, but we both had doubts that we would be happy together.

 

what are really chances of reconciliation?

 

I think it's very unlikely. I think she has started a new life (she is not seeing anybody). But the only way to be sure is to ask for one more try.

 

Did the two try to get help as a couple or did they just exist together for years and hope things would get better on there own?

We had no counselling until October 2006, when we were talking about getting back together. The counselling really hurt my wife, making her live through the pain of the separation again. When I went to see her in October, she seemed positive about the idea about getting back together. After the visit, she said the idea of getting back together made her feel sick, and she had to have time off work because she was upset. She has had almost zero contact with me since then, trying to focus on her work and recovering.

 

We have no kids. The rest of the family is our dog, Jessie.

 

Are you still involved in any way, shape, or form with the other woman? And does your wife even know about her?

 

I have still been seeing her - she talks to me, which my wife did not do. My wife knows I have been seeing her.

 

the girlfriend (don't keep her as your ace up the sleeve) - this is hard I know.

It's hard to cut off contact with somebody who talks to me. I have been really isolated.

 

My worry here is that you both seem to be already out.

I think we are already out. I just wonder if I should make one more try, because we should not have split up. We should have seen a counsellor when we stopped talking and sleeping together. I didn't really know anything about relationships, even though I had been in one for 14 years. And she didn't want to talk about our relationship at all.

 

I still feel that what I did was wrong, meeting somebody else, instead of making a better effort to fix the relationship with my wife. Knowing that makes it hard for me to move on. If my wife wanted to give us another chance to be together I would take it, and I would do everything I could to make it work this time. But I don't want to to make her so sad again, if she needs me out of her life.

[Siriana]

 

I have still been seeing her - she talks to me, which my wife did not do. My wife knows I have been seeing her.

 

It's hard to cut off contact with somebody who talks to me. I have been really isolated.

 

Looks like getting back together isn't so possible.

I think you are just hoping because getting a divorce seems so final to you.

i think you need to let her go.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you really need to ask yourself what making another go of it will accomplish? if you are the same people, and you are dating someone else, and she says she doesn't want to make another go, then it doesn't sound too optimistic.

 

but you can alway try to have another talk with her and see how it goes. she may reject you outright, in which case at least you'd have closure. you are also not being fair to the girl you are dating if you are having these kinds of thoughts...

 

so i suggest you talk to your wife to get resolution/closure, then decide whether you like the woman you are dating well enough to continue with her if you're wife won't have you back, or whether that woman is just a crutch for you to help get you through a divorce... your girlfriend deserves someone who is open with her, and doesn't string her along until he decides what he wants to do with his wife.

[samross]

I thought there were kids involved. Since there isn't, you need to consider moving on after all the work you've both put into trying again (counceling, etc.). When kids are involved you will be miserable in this situation. Trust me on this. You probably feel like you owe it to her to make things work and when there's children it will be even worse. Even though it feels like it should have worked, and it deserves another chance, maybe it doesn't. I'm not a negative person but it sounds like you're caught in a viscious circle... The fact that you have someone else that you can talk to only serves to draw out the pain because it gives you an escape. It's the same reason that a married man never leaves his wife for a woman that he truly loves. It needs to be one person or the other. Do youself a major favor and try to walk down only one path...