Other Person Creeps In

[Nappy]

I have a question - Any insight would be helpful and appreciated.

 

What do you think this means?

 

I should start with some background...

 

My bf and I were together for 3.5 years, I broke it off saying I loved him but didn't make any promises of a future together though saying that I wanted that, we continued to stay friends hanging out often on the weekends (sleepovers and all), I asked him back a month ago, after having spent a month acting like bf and gf again without having committed to each other, still friends. When I did he was extremely conflicted as he had already let go a bit and had found a new crush. He took me back (after begging, regretibly) and is saying that he wants this to work and says he is committed but just not 100% in the relationship. He says he is committed to us and the part that is not committed is committed to himself.

 

Now, he is not telling me the whole truth about her...I know this. I'm beginning to wonder if they were already dating by the time I asked him back. The reason I wonder is that it was extremely difficult for him to make the decision. He said that he felt like he had found a friend (he is working on being more social)....he had admitted it to being a crush. He lied to me and told me that they had never had phone calls or hung out outside of their class together (martial arts)...though he doesn't know I now realize that it was a lie. Thinking back....He really did have a tough time figuring out what he would tell her...He said he didn't know how it would come out. That first of all told me that he actually did hang out with her and start somethign with her on the friend level...But now that I think back to him figuring out what he would say to her....Why would you have to figure out what to say to someone that you've been hanging out with as a friend and not yet taken to another level...it's simple, if she asks to hang out you just say "my gf and I are gonna do x tonight/this weekend." Why would you have to think it through?

 

I'm beginning to think that they had started dating, but he didn't want to tell me. I'm beginning to think that he had to figure out a way to "break up" with that other girl....or atleast make it known that he can't continue on the level they are on.

 

Or does the fact that he wanted to keep her as a friend mean that he really did want to keep her as a friend and nothing else. He's a good guy...Would a good guy really keep a crush around if he is in a relationship with someone he cares about?

 

Am I being unreasonable? I am driving myself mad with thoughts of that other person....as they do need to interact several nights a week.

 

Should I just accept that he crushed while we were apart and focus on us? I know that's the answer....I just needed to vent...Anyone been through something similar...know how to get passed this?

[anggrace]

This is a liitle confusing to me. Is he still talking to her? Is that what your worried about? Or are you concerned with if they were accually dating at one point? Have you straight up asked him these questions?

[Nappy]

Hi anggrace,

 

Well, they are still talking...They have martial arts together several times during the week.

 

He still talks to her over aim...Though I'm not sure to what extent...All I know is that he has lied to me about that in one particular instance...Which makes me assume they still talk over aim. I'm not sure if he ever initiates convo over aim...but he is too nice to ignore. In fact, I don't expect him to ignore..That's not very nice...But I do expect him to keep it to an absolute minimum.

 

I'm wondering if they had dated? And yes, I am worried that they are still talking. I know he's not cheating....But to be honest I just don't know anymore with him. I use to believe whole heartedly that he was always honest with me...These lies have made me weary.

 

I haven't confronted him about it and asked him these questions...Mainly because I think I'll just get lies. Also, I just really wanted to take her out of our conversations...I didn't want him to have her in his mind, so I just ignore the topic...I feel that otherwise it allows him to continue thinking of her as a crush. In fact, when we were reconciling in the beginning...He did tell me that he didn't want to talk about her anymore because it makes a relationship/dating with her a possibility.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Hi Nappy,

 

I'm undecided if your boyfriends is lying or not.

 

But i have a theory about this girl.... I'm wondering if he is keeping her in the background just in case things don't work out with you. Since you broke up with him not too long ago. That probably hurt him and so he wants to have some kind of a cushion in case he falls again.

 

I think in time, as your relationship grows stronger, he will feel more comfortable with you again...and won't find the need to keep her in the background.

 

In the meantime, i would just be yourself... and be honest. Maybe when you feel ready you can express your concern....but be sure not to accuse him ... just tell him how his relationship with this girl concerns you.

 

If you've already brought it up ...then don't bring it up again..just kindda wait it out and see what happens.

 

i was in a ltr .... i broke up with him..and he began dating someone else... i asked him back...and he ended things with the new girl but she would still call occasionally and they would talk... i bit my tongue and ignored it even though it bothered me to death! eventually they stopped talking... when we did break up ..it was for reasons completely unrelated to the girl.