still bummed out

[sasha_faye]

I've been doing NC for two months, but I still can't shake the thoughts I have of my ex during the day.

 

I started pledging for a sorority at my university. I'm in our university's production of the Vagina Monologues. I start field work and student teaching soon for my credential. I signed up for a dance class. I'm keeping my grades up.

 

However, at certain points throughout the day, no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I feel really sad about the relationship and how he treated me, and then I feel sad about the breakup. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing. (However, the pain is much, much worse at night before I go to bed- I cry a lot.)

 

No matter what I do to get my mind off the pain, it still creeps into my daily life. I just want to get myself back and stay busy, but even when I'm busy I feel really sad.

 

I've gotten professional help, but I want to change therapists because she doesn't believe in NC. She keeps saying I need closure from him. I feel like if I took her advice, I would be stepping backward rather than forward...

 

I just want to feel like myself again.

[GuitarmanIII]

First of all, you are grieving a loss of someone close...and it can be very difficult at times. Live through the pain...as it will one day be less and less. I can only speak from my experience. Though I'm nowhere near healed...

 

Perhaps you do need closure before you can commence NC. I depends on the situation. What was situation around the breakup?

[sasha_faye]

We were together for almost two years. He lied to me about his cocaine use. (He always said coke was stupid, etc.) When I found out, he dumped me. Throughout the weeks I've been discovering other stuff he's lied to me about as well. Other drugs, drinking and driving, previous sexual partners, etc.

 

A few days before I discovered his cocaine usage, he had been completely ignoring me. He was never one to return my calls or shoot an email asking how I was doing (we went to colleges 45 minutes away and only saw each other on the weekend), but he was becoming less and less interested in talking to me. He would always say that he was too busy with work and school to email and call me.

 

I heard from a mutual friend that he attempted suicide a few weeks ago. It tore me apart.

 

Whew! I answered more to that question than what was necessary.

[GuitarmanIII]

Wow, I'm not sure...but your X sounds like a loose cannon. Perhaps it's a good thing to break it off for good. But that's none of my business.

 

If you see in him something that's worth fighting for...go for it. If that doesn't work; if you can't get him back...say goodbuy.

 

Take some time...and you'll see better days.

 

G

[sasha_faye]

There's nothing in him worth fighting for. I want nothing to do with him. I also hate the way he took me for granted. I'm sticking with NC, but I still miss him. Ugh. I'm so ridiculous.

[Princess Blue]

Hey sasha i know how you feel, it really sucks!

 

My bf broke up with me in december and all the lies came out, he too was doing a class A drug that he swore he hated as he had to watch his sister and brother struggle with the addiction. Not an hour goes by that i don't think of him and get sad..its like he was my addiction and i'm having withdrawels.

 

Like you i know that he's not worth it, and yet i can't stop my thoughts of him, no matter what i'm doing.

 

I think the only thing we can do is to think, yeah there were good times but the person who broke up with us was a different person...not the wonderful lovely guy we first started dating but a weak coward who started doing drugs, and this ultimately changed them into the person who broke up with us...the person who right now isn't worth our tears or thoughts...believe me i know its hard but the only thing we can try do is accept that they made their choice to go down this path in life, and that we're way better than this and we will find someone else who will treat us WAY better than them...

 

NC is the only way to go..i'm on day 48 and it still hurts like anything (especially when they try text you like friends) but i've made a promise to myself that he's not worth being in my life, even remotely as an aqaintence until a few years have gone by, he's grown up, and has sincerely apologised to me.

 

I'm sure not gonna break my promise to myself because i know i deserve better and so do you!

 

Sorry i don't have much advice to give but i hope knowing someone else is going through what you are helps, and i think thinking about them is normal for some months but if its 6 months on and this is still the same then i'd advise getting professional help.

 

Tell yourself you wont let them rule your life, only you have the power to let them rule your life by not moving on...acknowledge the good times, get angry about the horrible way he treated you, then tell yourself he's not worth anymore of your thoughts.

[Hope75]

Hey Sasha,

 

You are not ridiculous.

 

Hindsight is always 20/20, but it's harder to see someone objectively when you are with them and emotionally involved.

 

You've got the right idea, taking care of yourself and keeping as busy as possible and letting time pass, but remember that grieving is not a linear process, and you will have good days and bad days and certain times of the day will be harder then others (like right before you go to bed when you have time to unwind and think.)

 

Something to try to distract yourself at night is to read a really good book- a page turner that will keep you occupied until it's time for sleep. But it's OK to grieve and feel sad too- these things take time and that is really the only true healer.

 

Hang in there.