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Hi everyone,

 

This is the first time I've posted here for advice, but I really don't know what to do. I'm a senior in high school, and my sister would be a sophomore, if she were going to school. My parents handle all the medical work, so I don't know much about treatment or any specifics, but my sister has pretty advanced leukemia and has spent more time in the hospital than at home for the past couple years.

 

Starting about a year ago, my mom started guilting me into going to visit my sister. I didn't really want to since she and I never were very close, but I wound up spending more and more time with her and wound up quitting the clubs I was in last year so I could spend more time with her.

 

This is where it starts getting confusing. I'm the only real friend she has since everyone she knew in school didn't stay in touch with her, and emotionally she depends on me a lot. We recently found out that her condition has gotten worse and she probably won't make it to the summer. Because of this, I've tried to spend more time with her than ever, and even have permission from my school to miss extra time for her.

 

But recently she's been acting depressed, and talks about things she wishes she could have done. I've tried to cheer her up and keep her thinking positively, but it hasn't worked too well. But lately she's been talking about how she wishes she could have had a boyfriend. Since she seemed happy talking about how it would have been, I let her talk about it. Out of the blue she said she wished she'd been able to meet someone like me, since I care about her so much and make her feel like she's the only person who matters. I acted flattered, because I didn't want to hurt her, but I think she's starting to see me as something other than her brother. I'm lonely too, but I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.

 

She's been asking me about sex lately. I'm a virgin, so I can't really say much, but I think she might be trying to hint at something. What should I do? If I approach her directly about this, what if she says it's what she wants? I love my little sister more than anything, and I know you're supposed to lose your virginity with someone you love, but I'm afraid I might feel guilty about it, since she's my sister and I don't really see her as more than that. Am I being selfish? Should I just go through with it if it's what she really wants? If it's the only chance she has, and she really wants it, is it wrong to say no? Please help me, I'm so confused.

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I am not trying to give anyone a hard time; but, is this post for real? If it is and you have these questions, then I don't mean to offend.

 

DO NOT DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT! Could it be that what you think she is thinking is not what she is thinking, at all?

 

Come on now, you know it wouldn't be right!!!!

 

EDIT: Actually, the more I thought about it, the more I don't care if I offend. You know you shouldn't even be thinking that. See a counselor and soon. PLEASE!

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I don't interpret what she said as wanting to have sex with you. I think she just wanted to talk and meant exactly what she said. She said she wished she'd have met a nice guy like you. She never said she wants to sleep with you. I think you are jumping to wild and unfounded conclusions.

 

Just assume that's not what she meant.

 

And no, you should not ever have sex with her, even if that is what she meant. It would torment you for life. She needs love, not sex. You can give her love.

 

There are plenty of platonic affectionate physical contact things you can do for her, like holding her hand, run your fingers through her hair, massage her scalp. Those things are really nice and comforting in an affectionate, non-sexual way.

 

If you had sex with her, you'd mentally hurt her and mess her up worse, and damage yourself mentally for life. Also, what if your parents found out? It would destroy your entire family and you would never be allowed to visit your sister again. Then she'd be alone. Do not have sex with her.

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I think you're jumping to conclusions really.

It's most likely that since you spend so much time with her, that she is using you as a template for what it feels like to be loved, not that she wants you to have sex with her.

And if you are her only friend, then she is going to share this with you, it's not really a conversation to have with parents.

 

 

 

And dying makes you horny. I know that sounds awful, but when your body begins to die, your dna goes into overload trying to get itself replicated.

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I agree with the others. It's sad that your sister has to go through what she is going through. It's also very sad that the prognosis is not good.

 

I would encourage you to do what is best for your sister, adn you seem to have been doing so. But what is best for her is probably for her to reamin your sister. If your sister does succumb to this, it is your duty to love her and care about her, but it is not your duty to supply her with all the experiences she thinks she is missing.

 

I think that you having sex with her would be something that you might feel guilty for during the rest of your life. Don't bring it up, ever. If she wants to talk, listen, it's one of the best things you can do for her.

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Your sister is going through the range of emotions right now because she is likely facing her mortality and the end of her life when it really should be just beginning.

 

It sounds as though you have been a rock for her and right now as her closest friend and really only peer in her age group, she likely feels safe talking with you about these things. That doesn't necessarily mean that she wants to have sex with you. Has she made any direct statements about sex with you? Or is just the general topic making you uncomfortable?

 

You don't have to have all the answers for her, sometimes all you have to do is be there with her and listen.

 

If she were to directly ask you about sex with her, than you should gently tell her that you are not comfortable with that idea and that you love her but as a brother and that is not what brothers and sisters do. Keep in mind that when someone is terminally ill they are not always thinking with 100% accuity and common sense, and so you should treat that topic gently and not act disgusted or horrified. Try to put yourself in her shoes and what she must be thinking and feeling.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this- I am praying for you and your family, and I hope that you are taking time to take care of yourself as well.

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Horribly bad idea! Not only are you her brother, she is also facing something that can't be faced alone. I see your problem, but in times like this, you can only be her bro and her friend. NOTHING ELSE!

 

Oh, and tell her we are all so sorry about her condition, everyone should have a note saying they are going to live to 90 and are going to pass away quietly in their sleep.

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Hi folks.

 

Thanks for the replies. I'm glad my situation is being taken seriously here. I really didn't know who I could talk to about this. I don't think my parents would understand, and I don't think many people would understand or treat me as kindly as I'm being treated here. I appreciate it.

 

I would have posted again much, much sooner, but between AP exam prep and seeing her in the hospital I've been really pressed for time these past couple weeks. I'll try to address some of what's been said in this thread.

 

I understand that I haven't said much to make it clear, but I honestly wouldn't be asking about this if I didn't think I had reason to suspect that I might be in such a situation. We weren't raised to be touchy feely people, for instance, but if I hug her, she doesn't let go for a long time, and she doesn't hesitate to kiss me on the cheek, which I don't think anyone our age really does, especially little sisters.

 

I've tried getting friends of hers from when she went to school to come see her, but it doesn't seem like anyone is interested in becoming close with the dying girl. That's one of the worst things about it.. I feel like I'm going to be the only person who remembers her.

 

I know it'd be wrong if I did what I asked about, and I know it's something I'd feel guilty about, but I still sorta feel like I owe her. One post calls me a rock to her, but she's the strongest person I've ever known. With everything she has to worry about, she still fusses over any problems I might be having more than she worries about her own. She cheers me up more often than vice versa. I don't know what I'd do without her, and I wish I didn't have to find out.

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Whoa. Tough situation, man. But I don't think you should do it. I mean, if she saw you as only a brother most likely she wouldn't even be thinking these things, but the prospect of death can mess with the head, and the emotions. It's wrong for her to miss out on all the experiences in life, but you can't put the burden of that on your shoulders; you can't blotch up all the holes that are being left in her life, especially if you aren't comfortable with it. Don't you deserve to have the best first sexual experience, too? It's hard to balance loyaly, love, and guilt with staying true to yourself. Hope things work out for the best; your sister staying alive included.

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Mike,

 

To be honest with you, I know that you feel like you 'owe' her this- but I think that your judgement is being clouded with guilt that your sister is dying and that you are one of her only supports, and fear and sadness of having to accept that she will not be here forever.

 

But I think if you were to go through with it, later on, when your judgement wasn't so clouded by emotions, you would regret it immensely and feel alot of guilt about it. It isn't OK to sleep with your sister, no matter what the circumstances are. You can be a comfort to her and a support system, and you can hold her and rock her, but don't cross that line. You will regret it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I don't know if this is a joke or not, but NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO if it isn't a joke. If she's a few months from meeting up with God, do her a favor and let her take her purity with her! If you don't believe in religion, stop and think about the emotional and physical damage!!! GEEZZZ.....

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