TERRIBLE.in relationship, but in-love w/ best friend

[CanadianGirl]

Ok, this is just TERRIBLE. Long story, but here goes.

 

I am currently in a relationship that is going well, although I am not in love with my boyfriend, I do respect him and care about him. I've known him for a long, long time (14 years - the past 7 we spent living life, having other relationships, learning, etc)...we've been friends and only now since I moved back to this city are we taking a shot at a relationship. Things are good, and our communication is top notch. He's a good guy and has been a real friend when I needed it most.

 

We are getting closer, but my 9 year old daughter CANNOT stand this guy AT ALL. She does not want me in a relationship with him and tells me this CONSTANTLY, she glares at me when Im on the phone, accusing me of ignoring her in favour of him and keeps a tight watch when he is around, jumping in the middle of us to be sure we don't touch each other...so she is a real road block in this realationship. Other than her, my family and his family think we are good for each other and we are taking our time.

 

HERE'S WHERE IT GETS TOUGH.

 

In the 7 years where we hadn't talked, I met a new guy (Ryan) we became great friends, spending days and nights together, being there through good times and bad. Ryan helped me understand that I am a great person, and showed me that I can be loved without expectations...for without him I would still have been a man-hater...he softened me.

 

In those 7 years, we moved to another city and he became super close to my heart and my daughter's heart. He was basically one main figure in her life from the age of 2. He was always the constant, and did alot with her. He helped me with her, babysat her and had special days with her, taught her things, and they really took to each other (each claiming one another as "father figure" in her life). Ryan and I were always just friends, and never ever made passes at each other, and remained tight frienships throughout relationships we both had with other people... WE LOVE EACH OTHER DEEPLY AND MAINTAINED OUR TRUST/LOVE/FRIENSHIP THROUGHOUT IT ALL....never denying it, and expressed it consistantly.

 

A few years ago I introduced him to Lindsay, and they fell in love. He eventually moved to her city to be closer to her. So, I lost my best friend for awhile, although he would come to visit us, during his/my birthdays and on long weekends. I also went to visit him, where we would have "dates" (what his girlfriend called them) and we continued our friendship regardless of her jealousy (because at the time, we were innocent). It was hard to watch him change, and bend over backwards for this girl who was never happy.

 

Finally they decided to move back to the city I was in last New Years. From then on in, I knew things were bad for them as they stopped spending time together, worked different shifts/etc....and rarely were intimate (he has always talked to me about everything). I knew Lindsay was cheating on him (by her behavior: leaving every weekend without him, avoiding him, etc). Finally they were on the brink of ending the relationship when I confronted him and asked him why he seemed so upset, and depressed .. I asked straight up what was going on in his life with her. He told me they were on the rocks bad and that they hadn't had sex in 4 months since moving (even more I realized she was cheating, but didn't say anything...it wasn't my place to let him know this.).

 

So shortly thereafter, we went out on the town together and ended up hazy dazy and a tad drunk (which we've been before)...but this time, we had spent a night of intimacy and had sex. It was amazing because we already knew each other on many levels, but after a 6 year friendship we had sex. I always thought this would not change things...and in a way it didn't but emotionally it did.

 

To be honest, I was hurt and so was he. We discussed it many times, and admitted we loved each other and that it was something we both felt was bound to happen eventually. BUT THE TIMING WAS TERRIBLE. He ended his relationship with the girlfriend about 3 weeks later. But, he continued to live with her (as they signed a lease at the place they were in).

 

Over the next few months, I stayed away from him, avoided calls and invites...because I felt really awkward and sad that we did have sex while he was still with her and that he took so long to end it afterwards. Now I felt more confused than ever. Eventually he confronted me while visiting at his house -- he just said he never wanted to make things weird and he missed me and our close friendship, and we both appologized for the timing and agreed to move on.

 

I moved out of that city to the one I am in. We kept in close contact and he told me one day that his girlfriend came clean and admitted to cheating on him through the last year of his relationship. He was quite hurt by this and think deep down he knew it was happening...I suggested it is the main reason why we ended up in bed together. He was supposed to come up and visit me and ended up getting very sick, and couldn't make it. Another time he was supposed to come up and ended up not making it, and didn't call to let me know.

 

I text messaged him letting him know i was really really hurt by this, and then dropped my phone and couldn't read the screeen but could hear text messages coming in. For 5 weeks I could hear messages coming in and couldn't read the messages, I guess he figured I was really mad and didn't want to talk. Eventually I called and left a message that I couldn't read any texts and if he wanted to call he could.

 

Heres the prob: a couple of days ago he called and sounded really happy for the first time in years...he said he missed me and that he has moved out of her place and left me the number to his new place and wants to talk.

 

Now its such bad timing. Im just getting into a relationship that could be really good. BUT IM ADMITTEDLY STILL VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND. I can't help being in love with him, and believe that if given the chance I would take a realationship with him above any else.

 

So, should I let my current BF know? He knows I love my best friend, but not that I am in love with him? I know my friend needs time to heal and I dont want to be his REBOUND GIRL, nor would he allow this....but we do love one another deeply. I also don't want to be "leading on" my current boyfriend, and the way I see it, my heart belongs to someone else, so can I honestly be having a relationship that I know isn't with the one I love?

 

HELP!

[Honey Pumpkin]

Long story - and to me this is a key question:

How long have you been with new guy?

 

Because I thought it had been a long time, but if you guys have just got together, then I would suggest that you give it a go with Ryan. I think that you might or might not make a go of it, that's too hard to tell - there is a lot of history and a lot of baggage. But I think you should see if you can work it out.

 

However, if you decide not to, then I think you have to cut Ryan out of your life - it's not fair on your new boyfriend, it's not fair on Ryan, it's not fair on you. None of you can move forwards - it's more than friendship, you have to be honest about that.

 

I also think that you should make a decision first, and then act. i.e. if you want to be with Ryan, I think you should end it with your boyfriend, rather than trying to juggle them both, even for a short period. I'm not saying you would do this, of course, I'm just thinking aloud.

 

I suppose a long think about what YOU want to do is in order, because only you can know. But then I think whatever you decide, you should stick to, and follow whole heartedly.

 

Good luck with this decision - it sounds awfully tough! Personally, I have to say I would give it a short with Ryan....

[CanadianGirl]

Only after a 6 year friendship did Ryan and I cross the line, so being in a relationship wasn't really in the cards until now, and even then..

 

My heart says give it a shot with Ryan. Again, he needs time to gather himself again. But, how would I tell my current boyfriend? I know I should do this before things get too serious....but what do I say?

 

"Oh, I forgot to metion that I'm actually in love with my best friend and don't think I can love you the same"?

 

It's a hard one.

[Honey Pumpkin]

My heart says give it a shot with Ryan. Again, he needs time to gather himself again. But, how would I tell my current boyfriend? I know I should do this before things get too serious....but what do I say?

 

"Oh, I forgot to metion that I'm actually in love with my best friend and don't think I can love you the same"?

 

Got to be honest, worrying about how to end it should NOT be a deciding factor! You can let him down gently: "I don't think this is working out". If it's not that serious, then I would end it sooner rather than later, and go for it with Ryan. IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT!

 

Imagine two years down the line having to end it because you wanted to see if it would work with Ryan? Now that would be cruel.

 

I think you should go for it - because (to be honest!) I think you will go for it with Ryan sooner or later. Might as well be sooner. But this is just my opinion, I don't know the circumstances or background, it's just my instinctive reaction. And I think you are being honourable thinking this through, but it sounds to me like you know which way you want to go with this...

[CanadianGirl]

In your opinion, should I consult Ryan first? ask him straight out if he wants to move forward some day? because if he's not thinking of testing the friendship, I don't see why I should hold back....

 

Also, although I DO WANT to have a relationship with Ryan, I don't want it right away. My current boyfriend and I started out as friends too, and should I just suggest we revert back to the initial friendship? either way I don't want to lose a friend for a lover in either case...

 

this is so rough.

[ghost69]

not bragging or anything, but a lot of my friends ask for my advice. i'm usually right and they end up where i told them they would. anyways,...

 

you keep saying you 'love' this friend and could see yourself in a relationship. i'd say go for it and quit speaking on it. if it doesn't work, you will need to cut him off completely after. it is true, it's not fair to everyone else that you date if this guy is around. feelings can fade, but if they are always around, feelings will always stay at 'what if'. the 'what if' is out of the picture if you give it a chance. you should go with ryan and see how you feel. you will more than likely lose your current bf forever. it is something to consider, but if you feel this way all the time you are just stringing him along making it worse. the way you talk you make it sound like your mind is already set on this guy. he sounds like a good guy even though he helped you cheat on your other bf when you got drunk and hooked up. also, it is very curious why he seems to come around a lot when you have a bf. odd.

 

conclusion: give your friend a chance to have a bf/gf relationship with you our lose all contact. it will only drive you nuts and hurt others in the process