Punishing himself?

[Tasia]

Hi all, I found this site while trying to look for info about depression and how it affects relationships. Sorry this is kind of long.

 

My story really began about 2 years ago....only things got better only to return recently.

 

My bf and I have been together for 7 years and during those 7 years things weren't always perfect. It was our first serious relationship and there were learning curves. A lot was done wrong on both sides, and I changed through them all for the most part. My bf isn't a horrible person and he isn't that bad of a bf....he just seems to have problems learning from mistakes. For example, he has a problem communicating his feelings....I don't mean in a typical guy way, he just holds it all in.....never letting anything out. If I did something wrong, it was up to me to figure out what it was, when it happened and so on. I still can't to this day get much out of him. Along with poor communication skills, he also loves to lie.....lies that most people wouldn't lie about. If I was worried about him eating, and asked if he ate earlier, he would say no, yet proof was always found that he had in fact ate....things like that.

 

2 years ago, my bf and I had a fight and instead of nagging him to fix the argument, I left him alone. 3 days....on the 3rd day he came for all his stuff saying he was leaving. He left, and got an apartment. I contacted him after another 3 days to talk.

 

To make that story short, he had spoken with his mom and she told him it was either me or her. That if he came back to me, she was done with him. This tore him to pieces to the point that we found him in his apartment huddled between the toilet and tub in complete darkness. I ordered some information on male depression. Gradually he got better and after some unforeseen circumstances, he moved back in after about 2.5 months. He never did get professional help, but the cold, non caring person did not return for awhile.

 

So Summer 2006 he went to visit his mother for a week and prior to him leaving we were fighting and when he came back, out of the blue he said to me that he was tired of all the fighting and that things were going to change....boy did they change. I fell in love all over again and things were perfect. We were happy...

 

Until.....the end of Sept. 2006. Things slowly began to fall apart. He reverted into the old person. Arguments started up again....over tiny things, no matter how hard I tried to ignore them. His attention span got smaller and smaller and he just was different.

 

He had complained about work. He is someone who doesn't have many accomplishments, so when he knows he deserves it, it bothers him. He has very low self esteem and just doesn't believe in himself as he should. He felt that many times he should have been given employee of the month, and when he wasn't, he felt he'd been cheated out of it. He complained of people not doing their work, and he'd have to do it for them. I tried to give the best advice I could. I guess it wasn't good enough. I strongly feel as I look back that the stress and frustrations he felt at work spilled over into home life and this is why we're here.

 

The stone cold persona didn't return until late Nov. Out of the blue, we were talking, and I felt making progress and I noticed the change.

 

Before he moved to the apartment behind my back, we were making some progress...he was getting a tiny bit better and we made a call for him to get professional help. He got upset over something I asked, that I explained to him that night and felt we made up. When he came home from work, his stone cold persona had appeared again..... it turns out my sister saw him in his car during his break, which he lied about. He lied because I was right that he wasn't mad at me until someone at work made him frustrated to the point he sat in his car for break.

 

The next morning, he was trying to sneak out....that day he came home after apartment seeking.....just sitting in his car....I attempted to go to him and he rev the engine.... when I finally got to him we talked. At that point he hadn't gotten the apartment and I told him to wait, that I had a plan...to trust me....he never gave me the chance. He got the apartment that morning.....

 

I believe he is sick...but I am not sure. When all of this began, before he got cold, I suggested a vacation, he wouldn't listen. I spoke to him Sunday and I felt we made some progress. I promised I wouldn't bother him for 2 days until Weds, so that we may go to the doctor appointment. As I mentioned, it's in the 20's and I don't know what to do. It’s supposed to be in the 20's for the rest of the week. I'm afraid he won't come home tomorrow so we can go to the doctor.....I feel as though there's no more I can do..... If someone out there has any ideas please let me know.

 

I broke down and called his mother to reach out for help....that was 1 day before he got the new place....she hasn't been in touch since then and he hasn't been in touch with her according to him. I feel helpless to stop this train wreck.

 

When I cry, he doesn’t care, when I sick he doesn’t care….everything since Sept. has been a horrible experience. My birthday which was in Oct, his which is in Nov and Christmas was very sad…. He got everything he’d wanted and none of it made him happy. Nothing makes him happy anymore. He told me he wanted to leave because even if he got better he would still hurt me….he tells me I don’t need him and things like that. I am convinced he needs help but I know I can’t force it on him. I can only hope that he will go to the doctor tomorrow. If not then what? He has no money as he blew it all on just the apartment.

 

Is there anything at all I can do?

 

Thanks for places like this. I am truly lost and appreciate any insight or thoughts….good or bad. I am also sorry this is so long. I just wanted to give you as much history pertaining to this as possible.

 

 

Thanks again in advance,

 

Tasia

[arwen]

Hey Tasia,

 

I think that depression, if that is what it is (he needs to be diagnosed by a professional, let me get that straight first!), is not something YOU can help him with. If he wants to have a better life, or be able to enjoy life again, he needs therapy and the step to go into therapy is his. You cannot force him to do so. Meanwhile, there are some things I don't understand: why did his mother say it's her or me, and why is seeing your sister and not telling you such a big thing? Are there problems in the family that you didn't write about here? Because if that is the case, those circumstances can make it even harder.

 

What is most important is that I think it is time to focus on YOU for a while. You seem very much concerned about your bf, and you are willing to support him even if the relationship makes you unhappy at the moment. I think that sometimes it's best to spend some time apart to figure things out. You can suggest this to him, ask him how he feels about the relationship and explain what is bothering him. Don't make him choose between continuing without you or seeking help- that won't do good to either of you. Just say that you are feeling left out in the relationship as long as he is so shut down and that you feel it might be better to spend some time apart to see if that would benefit the situation. You seem a very concerned and loving girl, my worry is that if you focus on HIS problems so much, you will make sacrifices in the relationship that are beyond what you really can sacrifice. Meaning that you can't sacrifice your own happiness to help him being happy again, first of, that doesn't work, and second, the price you pay is very high.

 

If he doesn't go to the doctor, well, I think then it's seriously time to reconsider leaving him or at least live apart for a while.

 

Take care,

 

arwen

[Tasia]

In response to your question about family problems.

 

There's not really any. I never did her anything to my knowledge which is why it was so shocking. She want him to move back home and he doesn't want to, and perhaps she blames me for that. I never understood why she'd say that and never 100% believed him until after I called her again this last time and she hasn't even picked up the phone to call. Perhaps she is hopeful he will be worse enough to come home, but he doesn't want anything to do with anyone.

 

My sister seeing him was not a big thing to me. I didn't argue with him over it. The problem was that he left home fine, not mad at me or anything. When he returned, he was that cold person again, erasing the last week of better behavior. After making me cry and saying that he was mad at me, and that all this was my fault. My sister was there by chance and she saw him. When I told him this he finally told me he had been in his car during break because someone at work frustrated him. I've always suspected the job for this downfall and I have let it known. So him lying was perhaps to prove to me that it wasn't the job? I don't know. I just didn't understand.

 

The frustrating part isn't that he wanted to leave....it's like I know i've done all I can, but I can do nothing else. I also know I can't force him to go to the doctor, I also know that he has to want to go in order to get better. The appointment was made by him, but he changes his mind about going.

 

It was hard for me to let him go on his own for 2 days without contact, but I did it so he can see that i'm willing to give if he's willing to give... i'll know soon, but i'm not very hopeful.

 

As far as me... i've started a journal for me and it's helped a lot. Accepting that I have done as much as I can helps a lot too. I apprieciate all that you wrote and understand it all.... reading this forum and through my own thoughts I know there's nothing else I can do....but there's always that tiny bit of hope that hopes someone has something else to tell you. As far as sacrifices.... sadly I already know i've done it this whole relationship. Yet still I just want him to be ok... with or without me.

 

One last thing... me keeping here wasn't for the relationship. I was buying time so he could get a place within our budget. That was my plan. Now he's living in a place with no lights and water. I had no problem with him taking time to himself and having a place of his own. I supported that before and it was fine....

 

Thanks for responding

 

Tasia

[candy604]

sounds like he does need help with anger and depression. Perhaps he wants to shut people out of his live b/c he's angry. I hope he gets some help soon.

[ghost69]

it seems like he either needs a woman to tell him what to do or he has no self esteem. or both. lol. you should just move on from this guy. the realtionship seems dull and he doesn't seem like he will ever change. find a guy that is open and looks at you differently, like you matter. that sounds like what you deserve. let this guy know that you are completely gone for a while. maybe somewhere down the line you can hook back up and this uneasy person will be gone.

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[BeStrongBeHappy]

sounds like there are unresolved issues with his family... no mother should every say it is his girlfriend vs. his mother, totally weird, and shows the problems he is dealing with regarding his mother...

 

well, if you love him, and his history is depression and family problems, i would always say try to get him into therapy with you, to help heal him to be able to have a healthy relationship with you...

 

but if he won't do that, then you can't cure depression or his family problems, that is up to him to do, not you.