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FAILURE and realization.


Tamoko
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I've come to realize its not a big deal because I'm going to go about this the same way every month because it seems I go through a guy every month.

 

I'm just saying it seems I go after a guy and I actually put time into a friendship and then when..it gets confusing and I go to figure out whats going on between us it backfires and I start all over again with someone new. I'm not..even phased by failure anymore.

 

I'm just saying when i say there will be awkwardness between us..it's really only ME feeling awkward.

 

I just don't feel comfortable around the person anymore.

 

All I feel around the person is complete failure. I'm not able to be myself around them anymore because that sense of failure is just so..large.

 

It's something my subconscious like...does on it's own... it just happens when I'm not meaning for it to and before I know it.. FAILURE and I have no idea why... Why did I * * * *ing mess up a friendship?

 

I guess I kinda' want the problems. Stops my life from being so dull.

 

I know right from wrong, I'm not stupid. I just choose the wrong things because they feel so right and so good.

 

I don't know if thats how I really feel but.. it's what I'm thinking about this right now.

 

I can't tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing...

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Well, it's all the same. I shoudlnt spend my money but I do. I shouldt screw up relationships but I do. I shouldnt eat what i eat but I do. I shouldnt smoke but I do. I shouldnt do drugs but I do. I shouldnt drink so much but I do. I shouldnt slack off but I do.

 

Im selfish and irresponsable and always expect someone to get me out of a bad situation.

 

I don't think about others, I dont care what other people think.

 

I mean, everyone does things they shouldnt do...many can't help it.

 

But I know better. I think about these things. But I do it anyway.

 

With my childhood, my schools, college, life.. I wasted 13K in a month! 1 MONTH.

 

I'm just..I don't think but I do. I know. I have tat knowlage bu I don't listen because I know everythings gonna' be...O.K.

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Well yes, a lot of times everything will be ok. But you know what? Sometimes they don't work out at all. You just need something to scare the crap out of you before you'll try harder at life. I failed last semester and got kicked out of my uni, guess how much money I wasted? I'm gonna have to repeat courses as well. But let me ask you this, do you want to wait until life force you to make a change? You've already realized what's wrong with your life. Why not start to correct them today.

 

Part of being anonymous is not showing your face.

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Tamoko, at an age that you appear to be, it is certainly not uncommon to exaggerate qualities of your life that you believe you lack that are, in your mind, a prelude to what the rest of your life will bare. Failure is just a word, an idea. Life is not about setting up a border line; success on one side, failure on the other. There are more dimensions than that.

 

We are all capable of changing into someone that we want to be. It is no short-term matter. But sometimes if we really want to change, then we will be willing to make that uncomfortable sacrifice.

 

However, your post is a great first step in changing: you are aware of the impact of your intentions on yourself and perhaps others. There isn't too much that we can do other than provide moral support and guidance. 95% you, 5% us.

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