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Im freaking back after 2 1/2 years!!!

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Well, the world shall continue to spin funny at its own discretion without nary a worry of my well-being.


Hi all, long time no need. But alas, Im back....mainly just looking to vent as I have found that the second go-round does not hurt ANYWHERE near as bad as the first.


I guess I should get on with it eh? Ok, a summary: I was here back in early to mid 04 after my GF and eventual fiancee of 9 years and I broke up. Turned out she met someone else that lived 3000 miles away and her and I had grown apart, yadda, yadda, yadda....Im so over her but it was a hurtful ride. You can probably search my username and find the old threads, I did it a while back and was quite surprised at the state of being I was in.


So moving on: About 10 months pass after my ex and I break up. I had lived pretty fast since the breakup, dated lots, drank lots, and made some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for through it all. During this particular night I was out with friends and a girl walks up to me and started trying to place me. It become evident that we had known of each other through mutual acquaintances about 8 years earlier. So we chat and I get her number. I ended up calling her over the Christmas holidays (back in late 04). We chatted from time to time for the next few months and then around March started meeting each other out at different festivities. She was out of a 1 year relationship and I dont think totally over the guy but I did not care. So eventually her and I begin dating but never claimed exclusivity, we just meandered along and enjoyed each others company up until about August. In August I finally asked her what her and I are. She replied that she did not want anything "exclusive". I asked her if she was dating anyone else, her response was "I don't have time". So I am a bit bummed that we are not exclusive until the next day when a girl I had flirted with actually called me and wanted to go out.


The skinny to get to the lard: I date, date, date, and from then on anytime said girl had anything to say about it I just reminded her that she said she did not want anything "exclusive". This goes on for about the next year to year and a half. I dated around, she never did to my knowledge. A year ago it became apparent that she did indeed want something exclusive but we never had "that talk". We hung out pretty much all the time, etc, etc. I still talked to a few other girls here and there since we still had not had "That talk". She finds out about a few of them because she asked and I was always honest with her as long as she questioned me.


So the above transpires up until about this past October. I finally decide that said girl is the one I want to be with. I start playing the exclusive role and although unspoken, was understood that that is how it was. We are together all of the time. She loves my friends, I love hers, we mix very, very well. About Thanksgiving I start noticing a little less enthusiasm from her, i am out of town for the holiday and her family is at her house. I figure it is just the fact that she had her family there for the whole week. I get back in town and she picks me up from the airport. I notice that there is no affection from her. Whatever. So over the next few months the affection and openness towards each other continues to dwindle. We stop sleeping together, and eventually it seems like a chore to even see each other. I was all about her, had decided that I wanted to give it an honest go.


So I begin questioning what the deal is with us. At first she says she does not notice anything different, then she chalks it up to changing careers, buying a new house and just being stressed. So I live with it for a bit. We find our way through the holiday together, exchange gifts but the affection from her is still absent.


So last Friday I find out that she is going to a concert with friends of mine. It is one of the girls moms birthday and they are celebrating it. Generally I would have been invited along by my girl instantly. Come to find out she had made these plans a week ahead of time and kept it from me. At that moment I said "Ok, tell me what you want from me, I want to hear it from your mouth. Whats the deal".


Her response was that she did not know what she wanted and that my pestering about the relationship was taking a toll on her.


I responded by saying that if she did not know what she wanted after two years of dating that maybe we are wasting each others time.


She said maybe she just needs some time to herself.


I blasted back that maybe we should just go our separate ways and if somewhere in the future we find each other again so be it, if not, at least we are not wasting each others time.


So we said our goodbyes, agreed that it is going to suck, etc.


I have not talked to her vocally since then, last Friday. She did message me some randon comment on MySpace which i did not respond to and last night e-mailed me telling me she is proud of me for nearly finishing up school, etc.


I responded back telling her in brief how school was and then proceeded to say:


"I miss you like the d ickens (whatever that is) and this is literally one of the hardest things I have ever done. I just want to reiterate that if you ever think you could want something with me I am only a phone call away.


Whew, ok, I really wanted to get that in writing so as too make sure that it was not misconstrued the other day."


I have heard nothing since.



So, this sucks. It does not hurt so much as it sucks, and thats what scares me. After all this it is seemingly easy to walk away. No contact has been a breeze. I do really miss her but I am starting to think maybe it is the routine of us that I miss. I miss talking to her everyday, sharing our ups and downs. I cant really say that I miss anything physical with her since it had been so long since I really enjoyed anything physical with her. She says that there is no one else, and I dont see how there could have been, I always knew where she was because we talked so much.


It just sucks that I finally let my wall down a bit and attempted to give her my heart and she just took it and splattered it all over that wall. I understand that I could have had her exclusively a year ago and that was what she wanted but at the time I was still living it up and getting over my 9 year relationship. It would have been unfair to get with her when I was not ready for that.


It just seems that now that she got me she does not want me.


Maybe it is her new job and house and all the stress, maybe it is me, maybe it is global warming and the melting of the icebergs.....I have no idea. All I do know is that I have lost someone that had potential, that I "think" I may have loved, and that had grown immensly on me over the past year.


Help me walk away.

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sincerely hurt,


first thing i want to say is that you seem to be handling this like a champ. youve done this once and learned lessons, applied them to the new situation. did it straight away i might add, when things are the toughest. i applaud you for that.


bottom line, keep moving. recognize the gains you made from moving on the last time, and now make even more.


good luck!

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Thanks for the responses guys. I can tell you that it is much easier the second time around, albeit this relationship was never as serious or as long as the 9 year one I had that originally brought me here.


So a little update. I was missing her bad yesterday, I guess it was the biggest down day I have had. I was wondering what she was doing, how she was doing, if she was feeling the same way....you know, all the normal stuff. Well, I went out with the guys last night and while we were in a mean game of darts she called. I did not answer, finished playing darts and when we were done I callled her back.


She asked where I was and I told her. We then went on to talk about her day. Seems she was having a bad day, she found out that one of her friends dads was killed in a car accident and was also getting burnt out on work, remember I mentioned she changed careers and that is when the changes really began. So I talked to her and had her feeling better about her job in no time. I then asked her if she would like to come join us (the guys I was with are in a band and they were playing last night about 15 miles from her house, we live 60 miles apart), she declined my invitation by saying she was already in her PJ's and that she had an early morning meeting or else she would (it was nearly 10pm when i called her back).


So that was that, I talked to her for maybe ten minutes at most and then let her go, I left off with "Talk to you soon" even though I know I am not going to call her.


The way I see it is that it was a good thing she called. I was polite, was not submissive, the only even remotely submissive thing I did was ask her if she wanted to come out. She also knows that since I answered and talked to her and invited her out that I was not with another girl, so that is good.


So I guess I keep trudging along. I do miss her but I think the wall I keep up from the last rotten relationship has kept alot of the hurt out.


I have a full weekend lined up. Two dates with the new girl i am seeing and a night out with friends in between.


I must admit though, if she came back and wanted to work at something I would take her back. But only after we had a good long talk about our expectations of each other and where we see and want the relationship to go.



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breakups are never easy, but it sounds like your relationship was kind of fizzling out towards the end... the good news is you didn't have any big dramatic fights, but the bad news is when things fizzle out slowy, one is never sure exactly where you stand.


she called you when upset and depressed, so probably thinks of you as a friend and wanted some support... but it is really hard to change gears straight from a relaltionship into a friendship, because there are always misunderstanding when you connect, i.e., is the person just being friendly, or is it an overture to a reconciliation?


i don't think you messed up, because NC is for your own benefit, to help you heal, and it is just a little setback for you, happens to everyone. but if she doesn't respond back or show any more signs of wanting to be close to you, it might be better to go back to NC so you don't get your hopes up...

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Thanks BeStrong.


What I really want to do is just call her and say this is stupid, I was pressuring you into being exclusive(which we were anyway, just had not verbally said so) and the more it seemed that our relationship was questionable in my mind the more i pushed. I basically pushed her away. Had i kept my aloof attitude like I had the previous 1 1/2 years we would probably still be ok. Although that does not account for her lack of affection towards me, that began before I started freaking out and pushing her to a decision, maybe that is the sole rason I freaked out. I just dont know anymore.


It all seems so silly.

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Well, she just called. We talked for a half hour. Caught up a little. She said she misses me. I asked her if she thought we are doing the right thing and she said she does not know. I told her how I freaked out and wanted an answer and how things just snowballed and she totally understood, even related to it.


Overall it was a good conversation. I ended by telling her good luck on her training tomorrow which implies that i am not calling her back. She leaves tomorrow evening for a work conference that is out of town and wont be back until Tuesday.


So, got down to a little nitty gritty, concurred that we miss each other but still dont know if what we are doing is the right thing or not. The small talk was good too.


I guess it went about as well as it could


Good for me.

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SincerlyHurt, keep "trudging on". Try not to get caught up in her when she "doesn't know" how she feels. That is for her to figure out- not you. If getting closer to you is important to her, she will take action toward that end. Listen to the "I don't know." Let her work out her own mind. Try to resist going into limbo over this.

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SincerlyHurt' date=' keep "trudging on". Try not to get caught up in her when she "doesn't know" how she feels. That is for her to figure out- not you. If getting closer to you is important to her, she will take action toward that end. Listen to the "I don't know." Let her work out her own mind. Try to resist going into limbo over this.[/quote']



That is the best advice thus far. It is HER problem and not MINE. That is a wonderful way to approach this. Thank you.

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Have not heard from the ex since Sunday as she was leaving town for her conference. We talked for about 20 minutes but the new girl i am dating was on her way over and I did not want to be on the phone with the ex while she arrived, for both their sakes.


She talked to me like everything was normal, like she did back before she lost her ability to be affectionate. I did not mention "us" to her at all, I just listened and talked to her about whetever she wanted to discuss.


I have not called her or texted her even once since we broke it off. She has called 3 times now and e-mailed. Surely she is getting the hint that I will not call her. Is that going to make her give up since she is doing ALL of the initiation now. Should I maybe call her out of the blue so it is not her making all of the effort? Remember, I am the one that called it quits with her because she was not affectionate and did not know what she wanted, other than space.


Do tell.


Also, I really do not know what to do now. The new girl and I are getting along wonderfully. She came down Saunday evening and we went out with friends that night and then spent all of yesterday together, had brunch, came home and watched movies, and just had a great time together. I have dated both of these girls before at the same time in the past and do not want to fall into that cycle again. The new girl is scatterbrained and in the past has been relatively hard to make plans with because she is so busy with work functions, but this time she is putting forth lots of effort to see me regularly.


I miss the security I had with the old girl though. Things were simple, we were comfortable.

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Well, the ex started calling and e-mailing like crazy yesterday. I did not answer her call but I did call her back about 7 hours later. We talked for a bit (same ol smalltalk) and I let her go. I dont think she was too enthused about me letting her go.


We have always had a mutual enjoyment of rock crawling, she is my co-pilot and spotter. Back in Octobe I began a $60,000 re-build on the Jeep and she has been here since the beginning. I sent the build link to her yesterday after she had e-mailed me and told her I thought she might like to see the build progress. I also told her that she "WAS" the best co-pilot ever. She wrote back and even said on the phone last night that she still plans on going on trips with me. Hmmm.


So today I get an e-mail from her stating that she will be down my way tomorroa and would like to have lunch together The following is my e-mail response:




Tomorrow for lunch? Correct me if I am wrong (and not to be a * * * *) but I thought we were going our separate ways. You needed time and until you come out and have a conversation with me that says otherwise I think lunch may not be such a good idea. If you are trying to just be friends I must tell you that is not what I want. Look at it this way: being friends after a break-up only helps the dumper not feel so bad but makes it harder for the dumpee to move on. See?




You know where I stand, I was submissive the day we parted ways and told you exactly where I stood, and told you just what I wanted and how I felt, I will not do so again. This has been a hard situation for me to walk away from, I was heel over head for you and you could not have cared less. That hurt. I dont want to just meander along and end up in the same situation.


I hope you understand.




Was I too harsh? She did say last Saturday that she did not know if we were doing the right thing by going our own ways.



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