Fell in love with my best friend... Now what?

[Wishful Elation]

I'm going to try and keep this brief... It is a LONG story, for sure. I really need some advice.

 

I've known this girl (she's 25 and I'm male and 26 years old) for 11+ years now and we've always had a very close relationship. In high school we fooled around and even "dated" for about a month and a half. She always had a thing for me and I guess I always did too. For one reason or another, though, I didn't want a relationship with her.

 

We go our separate ways eventually. She and I both get into long term relationships (Mine 4+ years and hers about 7). We keep in contact but it's not the same as it once was. We're a bit more distant. Her relationship hit a bump at about the same time mine ended (Jan '04) and we ended up back in each others arms for about a month before I freaked out and needed to get over my last relationship. She eventually went back to her boyfriend.

 

Fast forward to about May 2005. We end up living about 2 blocks from each other and become VERY close friends again. Her relationship gets really messy and one thing leads to another and we end up sleeping together in October. She goes on a break with him and we continue to periodically (like 5-10 times over the next two months) fool around and have sex. Eventually, I confess my feelings to her and she freaks out and tells me she's working it out with him. We don't talk for about 2 months.

 

At about that time she emails me and tells me she's splitting it with him and wants to take some time for herself. She ends the email saying that if that she's always wanted to be with me and after some time off, she would like to try that if there still is a chance. We stay strictly friends for the next two months when after a night drinking with friends, we end up sleeping together. This was in May 2006.

 

We talk about it and decide that it's going to stay a "friends with benefits" thing. We do this until about July when I finally realize that I really do have too many feelings for her. I tell her, she tells me no... I walk away. She comes back a week later and tells me that she wants to give it a shot... but I tell her it's the wrong way to do this and that I do want to do this. We should do this right. She agrees.

 

We don't see each other much for the next 3 weeks, when we hang out at another party and I invite her back to my place. One thing leads to another and we're right back where we were. We do this push and pull thing until about October when I meet a new girl that I start seeing after she rejects me again. She doesn't like this at all. She talks me into leaving her to come back to her. I do. She tells me she still needs to get there with me and that I'm a couple steps ahead of her. She tells me that she's working towards being with me. This is about the week before Thanksgiving. (Nov 17th or so). So, we start "seeing" each other.

 

It's been two months of steady progress. We've been seeing each other about 4 days a week on average now. I want something more than what she's giving me and I've expressed this. I'm trying not to be pushy anymore. We had a discussion yesterday. She said that she understands that we need to decide the future of where this is going to go. So, she said that she wants a little space to work things out in her head. She does have a kid with her ex and he's still involved in her life. She tells me that he's not the issue and that she is. She's freaked out about being in another relationship (she was really really hurt by this guy). It's only been 11 months since they've ended.

 

So, really... what is the right way to handle this? She's my best friend. We've been as close as ever over the last 2 years. She considers me her best friend too. I want a clearly defined relationship. We treat each other like we're together and it's not a secret by any means at all. She says she's freaked out. Like I said, there has been a lot of progress and she knows that it's time to start making decisions. I just don't know how to handle the space thing. What kind of space should I give her? What's best? I'm a bit freaked out too, like I said, she's my best friend. Normally, I would have left a long time ago, but she does mean the world to me. She's a slow mover too, she has a tough time with change. This is easy for her at all. It's not easy for me either. I remember how much it hurt when she went back to her ex in December of 2005. I'm afraid of losing her again...

 

Any advice?

 

Thanks....

[Northalius]

In high school we fooled around and even "dated" for about a month and a half. She always had a thing for me and I guess I always did too. For one reason or another, though, I didn't want a relationship with her.

 

This puzzles me a little.

 

Do you remember the reason(s) why you didn't want to be with her in high school? Were you seeing someone else at the time? Or...?

 

You said she's freaked out, so I'd definitely give her a lot of space to make up her mind on issues. It's best you take things slowly. Do not rush in! Or you most likely will be sorry in the long run. Maybe she's still getting over some emotions dealing with her ex. You don't want to be with someone juggling emotions between you and another person!

 

Being scared about letting her go again? Well, you know what they say "If you love someone, let them go..."

 

Do really you want to be with someone that didn't have respect for her other boyfriend, to wait until she split up with him to then make love with you? Will she ever do the same to you, if you're officially with her?

 

These are things you should take into consideration.

[Wishful Elation]

You make some very good points. I have thought about all of these actually. I'll answer accordingly.

 

First off, the reason I didn't want to date in her in high school, I think was because she threw herself at me. I didn't really find that attractive. Plus, I dealt with a very bad case of OCD and had a hard time getting close to anybody. I have since been through therapy and have conquered my fears for the most part.

 

My question about the space. I'm not so sure how to handle that. What should I be doing? I want to do this correctly. Should I let her dictate what she wants? Or will this just add to the cycle of habits we get into?

 

Third. I agree. We've discussed this about us sleeping together before they split. I'll agree, it does worry me. She's very trustworthy and one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. He really wasn't treating her well. He had cheated on her and at that point wasn't even sleeping in the same room with her for the previous two months. Let alone being physical in anyway. She felt emotionally and physically neglected and like I said she has a hard time with change. She does still feel awful about it.

 

Thank you for the reply.