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I messed up,she rebounds, I cry

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First of all, you are brave souls for wanting to better understand your situation here. There are plenty of helpful and insightful folks who have been through this stuff!


Ive seen similar problems to mine here on the site, but not quite the same.


My ex girlfriend and I were together for about 3 years. (We are both 30) We jumped into the relationship quickly, but soon found that we were pretty compatible, and liked each other a lot. We spent lots of time together, but never lived together bc I was scared that I might not want to be with her forever. Just didnt want to go there yet.

I soon became very busy with school, and pretty much focused my life around it. I am trying to get into med school and it takes up a lot of time trying to keep your gpa competitive. Ive felt like breaking up with her many times, especially around finals, I think bc I get stressed. Anyways, it comes time for me to transfer to another school, and she is willing to go anywhere that I go to. She is wanting the marriage and stuff. I hesistate, get scared, wonder what it would be like to have sex with only one girl for the rest of my life, and I try to tell her that it might not work out. I apply to several schools far from where we live. I end up staying at a university in our city. She wants to get a place and be domestic, Im still tripping out on going there with it, so I decide to stay by myself and just focus on my work. She doesnt live too far, so she comes and visits. We hang out. Its fine, but I have a feeling that I dont want to be spending much time with her.

I tell her that we should break up bc she is not going to be happy in a relationship like this (she is very needy, and needs lots of attention). She is very hurt, and I feel very bad. I think this is the best thing for the both of us, so I become very fixed in my decision.(I even tell her that she should find someone else, after she asked me that of course) Not to mention I am very stressed out with my increasing workload. I start repressing things so I can concentrate, and still feel torn and guilty about the whole thing.

After finals are done I call her up because I missed her. We meet up and the sparks are there. We meet up again, and I inquire about whether she has been with anyone. She tells me yes. Im like ok, i did break up with you. Its fine. However, she is still seeing him.

She meets a guy soon after we break up rebound style. He moves into her house a week or two later. I am a little upset. I understand that I broke up with her, but this devastated me big time. She said that she doesnt care for him or anything. He loves her, wants to marry her and stuff. Okay, that is fine, you dont care for him. SO can you make him leave? Well, he doesnt really have a place to go, and I told him he could stay. Im distressed as can be. We are hanging out everyday and sparks are good. I feel good, she does too. We were having a good time. I decide to give her what she wanted originally, and so I propose to her. She says that she wants to wait, she is not saying yes or no. She doesnt really trust me right now. Okay, that is fine and understandable. I wanted to mainly let her know that I was serious. (probably not the best way in retrospect). We kind of plan on trying things out again. She tells the other guy that she has been talking to me. He gets upset and comes home drunk(hes an alcoholic) and she doesnt like him drinking (which he has toned down since he has met her). So they break up, and he starts getting a little belligerent bc he is hurt, and makes an * * * of himself enough to her and her roomate to call the police. The police come and take him away, and she takes him to a motel the next day, then comes over to my house to chill. When she comes over she is crying and feeling guilty about 'what she had done to this poor guy' and really starts to regret everything. AT this point she realizes that she did have feelings for him and she feels so bad that she hurt him.

Anyways, he moves into a friend of hers room. She starts hanging out with him still and staying the night. I get very upset and say a few things about the whole riduculous situation. I texted her quite abit. I was an emotional wreck. I tell her that I can not do this. We agree that we need time apart. And so I have no contact with her for almost a week. She calls, and says that she misses me. 2 nights later, out of the blue she comes over to stay the night. All she says is that she is stressed out and frustrated and keeps checking her phone messages and stuff. I think this is positive, and so I am confident. I didnt pressure her or anything, I kept it cool and light, didnt even talk about the other guy. We had NC for about 5 days and I text her to tell her that I am thinking about her, she says thanks. But I call her the next day to see whats up, but I just get voicemail and she doesnt call me back. The next day she texts me with Im sorry, still tripping out on everything right now. I tell her that I understand. Now it has been about 4 days of NC. I am kind of frustrated with the situation. I am giving her space, but I feel that if she loved me, there would not be a choice to make here. She needed alone time originally, and she spent it with the other guy. Now I am all stressed out over this, and am afraid that I have lost her. Shes kind of dysfucntional obviously, but shes a great girl. I miss her a lot. Now I am just waiting. I am kind of afraid for her at times. I dont really like this situation. Yes, it is partially my fault, and I have apologized profusely, but this situation is abso-ludicrous!


Anyone seen * * * * like this?

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Dude.. reality check.. you BROKE UP with her. What do you expect her to do? Feel sorry for herself and cry every night hoping you'll come back? Leave her alone, you made your choice now live with it. I know, it's tough love, but leave her alone. You choose to give her up, now she wants comfort elsewhere. Sorry mate..

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I agree with you that the situation is not good for her. It also does appear that she is a rescuer and super needy.


However, as Ericson said, "you broke up with her".


So, I think first, that you have to ask yourself if you want her back because she is with someone else, or because you now love her and want to have sex with only her.


Know whatta mean?

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Just curious....my ex broke up with me too saying it was because he wanted to focus on school etc...(he's in law school has 2 years left) and we recently got back his exams from Jan and the marks weren't as high as he would have liked....can you tell me what was going through your mind and why you said you had wanted to break up with her around finals?

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Mostly anxiety, I get pretty anxious. The more anxious I get, the more needy she would get for my attention. She tried to be more understanding, but this quarter, I got more stressed than usual, and started having other relationship doubts eventually leading to a cold, and heartless breaking up. I seemed to start getting my senses back after finals though. As far as test scores go, it is hard to say. I know from this experience, it is because my life is a bit out of balance. Students need to balance their lives on many levels for good performance. I now know that "terminating" someone out of their lives (especially someone you care for) is not a balanced solution. If anything, your partner can help you emotionally. It is difficult to balance a relationship and school, but possible. In my case, she was pretty needy. That is why I thought she would be better off with someone else. I hated hurting her though. And now I feel hurt.



"So, I think first, that you have to ask yourself if you want her back because she is with someone else, or because you now love her and want to have sex with only her."


I think its a combination of all three, but I do love her alot.

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MCB: I still think that it might be possible that you want her back, because you don't have her. Don't get me wrong, I am asking myself these same things. I wanted to break up with my ex many times and many times I felt unloved and the lowest of the low.


She broke it off and I am very sad that I can no longer see her. I have to totally ask myself why I want her back. I need to think long and hard and so do you.


Is she going to change? Are you going to start feeling this way again and then you both have broken hearts again? What steps will you take to not let this happen again?


Important questions and only you can answer them. Also, you cannot control her; only what you do.

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Thank you. I am starting to think long and hard about these things. I think that she can change. And so can I. We are both interested in personal growth and spirituality. We lacked the practice of it in our relationship though. We got too complacent and comfortable, and the tension built over time. Going throught the pain that I am going through now, I see where I made the mistakes that I made, and am willing to put much effort into rooting these issues. I am going to do it alone if I am not with her, but she is a good partner, and I want her to have the same. I deeply care for her, and I know what kind of life/relationship she wants. She is in the honeymoon phase of another relationship, so it is hard to have her even listen to me, let alone trust me with her emotions that I have hurt. Thank you again for your words. i hope none of this happens again. As you know, it is a nightmare.

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