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I already know this will be a crazy long post, but i want to include everything I can about this situation. Thanks for reading if you do, i know it's alot.


So i met this girl almost 3 years ago (we were both in 9th grade, we're both 16 now). We were'nt really friends, just acquaintances who sat next to each other in a class, so we talked ocasionally. That was it for 9th. Over the summer at some point, we started talking online. It was just out of boredom, but we then talked more and more, and the talking eventually became pretty regular.


As school started in 10th, we were real friends. We talked online everyday, school too but not as much. We talked more and more, had more and more trust, and soon she was telling me about all sorts of private situations, things she really only told me.


So one day, when she was telling me about some bad situation with her dad, i found myself caring more than ever before with anything. It was a weird feeling, and it wouldn't go away. I started to realize i liked her as more than a friend.


So after month or so of debating it, i told her one day. The response was the "you're just a friend" line, and that was it. It didn't hurt that bad, the friendship wasn't affected at all, there was no awkwardness. So I thought I would just move on, and that was that. But that's not at all how it went.


The feelings didn't go away. We talked everyday and all, and for some reason, there was just no way I could get over it. At this point, I noticed that our friendship was almost all online. In person, we were still kinda like acquaintances. I asked her about that, and she just said that since we became friends online, that's where the friendship shows itself best. I guess that made sense.


Still, the feeling of caring about her more than anyone stayed, but by this point i equated it to just a best friendship. I noticed how we talked so much, and i was always there to listen and help when she needed, but she didnt really seem to care much about my problems. We got into an argument over it, i dont even remember how it started. But it was primarily me thinking that she really didnt care about me, which obviously hurt.


My friend talked to her about it, and she seemed pretty mad. She actually told him that she didnt feel bad at all, that I was just someone she talked to whe she was bored, and not talking to me was just like breaking a habit. After a week of not talking, she finally imed me, and seemed to be really sincere. But when we got to the whole issue, she didnt seem to want to tell me, but no, she didnt care about me as much as i did her. She said she only had 3 best friends who she cared deeply about, but that was it. Everyone else was just a friend. We made up and all that night, as long a she was honest with me, I was fine with it.


So that was last summer. This school year started, and after seeing her in person and all again, I realized the whole "best friend" thing was just me pretending it wasn't what it really was. I still liked her. I told her again in september, i knew the answer would remain the same, but i asked her if she could give me something more definitive than before (like she told some other guy "i will never be attracted to you", yeah, its harsh but its alot better than vague). She just said there's nothing I can say, you have to get over it yourself. Then, she said that shes gonna be "all whatever" about it, because she was preoccupied with other things at the time. Notice the vagueness? That's the trap im in, as i just realized recently.


I have hope for something more, i admit it. She hasn't really ever made anything clear. What is "all whatever" supposed to mean? Why could'nt she just say something definitive like a relationship will never happen? Besides all of this, as ive thought about it, our whole friendship is just contradiction after contradiction. Sometimes, we talk online for hours, even on webcam (nothing perverted), sometimes late into the night like even once till 3:30 am on a school night =P. Sometimes we go days without talking. Sometimes, in person, we completely ignore each other, like we arent even friends. Sometimes we at least sort of talk, but nothing like online. We've never hung out really, other than walking to buy food a few times. Once she told a friend "anyone can hit on me, just not (me)" strangely. Another day, shes telling me how no guy ever liked her in the school and no one would ask her to prom (completely ignoring that i did), obviously a hint to me. Sometimes im happy with stuff (and false hope gets the best of me), sometimes im depressed and wonder if we're even friends.


She tells other people i'm her best friend i've learned. And when we talked a few times, she put me in the group with those other 3 that she considers best friends like she told me in the summer. I dont know if anything's changed, i cant read anything from her. Because of the vagueness and contradiction, i dont know what i am to her at all. And ive asked in the past, I can't do it again without looking like a fool. I just dont know what to do with all this.


The other thing about her, she parties pretty often (drinks and smokes weed). I was kinda upset about it before, but i accept it now, its not really that bad. She used to smoke cigs a little, then quit for 6 months, being very against it to prove to herself that she shouldnt smoke. She kept it from me, she didnt actually lie, but she never told me because she was embarrassed.


So a few months ago, she started to smoke socially again. Before i knew it, she was smoking outside of there, and now, its just horrible. Shes given up any limit on it, and is smoking before school starts, sometimes even being late to class because of it. She skips sitting with her friends at lunch to go smokevfor 30 minutes and first thing she does after is smoke. She smells horrible, and shes going to get addicted, and it's killing me.


I talked to her last month. I did all i could, i told her that its hurting her friends, not just her, and that nothing will change if shes smoking, but im really upset about it. She quit for 3 weeks. Then, seeing that she could quit and the withdrawel was over, she just started up again, seeing as she enjoyed it. She now uses those 3 weeks as proof that she can quit anytime, but we all know that's in no way the case. Taking a 3 week break isnt quitting, she went back to it, she could'nt do it. It will get harder every day she keeps smoking, and chances are, it will become a lifelong thing.


I talked to her again a few days ago, i coudlnt help it. I just tried to see what happened, why she started smoking, how she could ignore everything its doing to her. After a while, she just got mad and basically said, "i smoke, deal with it. Im glad you care and all, but im not just going to do what you want." I dunno, what can i do? Its killing me, ive seen people die from diseases they got from smoking. Seeing her smoke, and the smell she always has now is just horrible.


And, since she started smoking, shes started hanging out with all sorts of people, mostly dropouts who show up at school every few days just because they have nothing to do. You know, every highschool has a group like, that. So i see her walking down the street smoking with them or whatever, i know they do heavier drugs too. Its like im losing her, shes drifting away from her friends, and into this new group, and i can't do anything but watch her hurt herself.


Please give any advice you can on these two things, i really need it.

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I think with both situations...you need to just let her go.


With the drugs, you tried everything you could to help her. There's not much more you can do. You could try again to let her know that you're worried, but I don't know what else you can do. I'm sorry. Maybe someone else here will have a suggestion.


With your feelings towards her...

I think you're grasping at air there. She's made it clear that she has no romantic feelings towards you. The "whatever" is meaningless. The fact that you're one of her 3 best friends means that you're a good friend to her, but that's it.

If she was interested in you, things would be very different.


I think it would be best to pull away from this friendship until you're truly over her. Because being in touch with her is just going make you miserable. Not only that, but it'll keep you from meeting someone who will really care about you.

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I'd say move on. You're an outlet for her, and she's probably never going to be attracted to you, a person with whom to get stuff off her chest

As far as the smoking goes, I'd say she's already addicted, she's already a slave to the cigarette companies (the one remaining freedom we don't have guaranteed to us is the right not to smoke). It's really difficult for a non-addict to understand someone who is addicted. She has to *want* to give up (and even then it will be very hard) for herself. It was once described to me as like being very hungry. But there isn't much you can say or do to make her stop if she doesn't want to.


You have to let her make her own mistakes, she's not listening to you. You might think you are trying to help her, but from her point of view, you are just nagging.

You yourself have to learn to consider her a casual friend (if she's drifting away like you say). Otherwise you are in danger of her considering you a klingon. Find someone else to be romantically involved with and worry about your own life!


You met when you were 13, now your 16 - that crosses over an entire generation gap between young and mature teenage - during which everyone changes.

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