scarew Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 My partner and I are having a baby this spring. It was a planned pregnancy. I have never felt "traditional" about marraige and all that because of my own family history. We wanted to have a child together, but to be honest, a wedding takes alot more work than making a baby, so we decided to do that part when later on and focus on our family. We are technically married under the law, but of course have not walked down the aisle and all that crap. Usually I could really care less about the traditional wedding/marraige. But my partner is a little more traditional. He got me all convinced that I wanted an official engagement ring. At first I was kind of, well, neutral about it. Then I got kind of excited when he said he was getting a ring this fall. Money problems arose, blah blah blah blah... By now I have been promised a ring 3 or 4 times but it has fell through. I am not mad, its not like he is spending the money on drugs instead. I would much rather buy a second house for our baby than put a rock on my finger. I just feel like since I have been promised it so many times that its starting to really upset me. Again, I was promised one at the end of this month, but stuff came up. I told him to just go buy a cheap one but he says he its not good enough and I deserve more than that. Frankly, the whole thing is just pissing me off now. I feel kind of embarrassed having a pregnant belly and no "commitment" that others can see, despite our deep understanding of commitment to eachother. THIS ISN'T LIKE ME!!!!! I don't need this kind of stuff to be happy! Why am I so upset? We will have to wait a couple more months to be engaged (pending that nothing else comes up) and I am totally bugged about it. Our love and committment is not in question. What is my problem? I would rather have no ring and a good guy than a rock that means nothing. Yet I'm pretty bitter over here... Advice?
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 there are lots of simple rings you can get that won't break the bank. a simple gold band can cost less than $100. why not just get one of those, and have it over with. and later when you two become more stable, get the bling. good luck (PS - I don't see why he would insist on buying you an engagement ring when you are already married. kind of silly to me. why not just ask him to save up for a ring for your 10 year anniversary? ie, if he puts away $10-15 a month for the next 10 years, he can buy you something nice then (over $1000 will have been saved))
scarew Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Thats what I think too. He isn't down with that though. Maybe if I wrote him a letter and told him how I feel...
rocio Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Frankly, the whole thing is just pissing me off now. I feel kind of embarrassed having a pregnant belly and no "commitment" that others can see, despite our deep understanding of commitment to eachother. Wanna know a secret? In the first trimester I went out and bought this beautiful $10 ring. I wear it on my middle finger on the left hand, so it's not 'really' a lie. Ahem... But it totally looks real and I've had numerous people comment on what a beautiful engagement ring I had. Hehe.. So I understand how you feel. Normally I don't care about that traditional stuff, or about what people think of me. But I also don't like to be judged, especially now when I'm trying to focus on the baby and her beautiful future. I don't need people feeling sorry for me or giving me *looks*. Why don't you get a payment plan? He doesn't have to pay in full for the ring up front. Lots of stores will let you work out an arrangment where you pay a bit each month. If you want that ring, Scarew, you should have it. God knows you've been through enough crap so far. You've more than earned it.
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 well, if you two are a young couple and are strapped for cash, it makes no sense to buy a huge diamond, especially with a small baby on the way. do you think he wants you to have this ring so you are "showing off to the world" how well off he is? like a status thing? diamond rings are really LUXURY items, not necessities, like diapers and rent/mortgage. Yeah, maybe write him a letter saying that you don't need a diamond right now, to get get a simple band, and maybe later, when you two are settled, you can get a diamond. I know of one man who married his wife when they were young and he could only afford a tiny diamond. for their 10 year anniversary, he wanted to upgrade her engagement ring, but she had already grown attached to it and didn't want to change it. so he bought her a really nice and sentimental ring for their 10 year anniversary, and she loves it too.
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 PS - why not have a simple wedding for your friends and family? It could be nice and the gifts will help you guys buy stuff for your home you may need.....
Batya33 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 The problem is you are not paying attention to your true feelings about a legal commitment to your boyfriend. You're dismissing it as just a piece of paper, just a symbol but to some degree it is meaningful to you - just admit that to yourself and it's perfectly fine, normal and natural. Also I am not sure why marriage has anything to do with a wedding - you don't have to plan to get married beyond getting a license, fulfilling the legal requirements and saying your vows in front of an officiant. Why not truly listen to that part of you that wants a legal commitment to your partner and to your disappointment that he wasn't good on his word about a ring. It may still end up seeming silly to you but at least you won't be rationalizing or in denial about your true feelings. Also consider that all else being equal it is probably better for your child to grow up in a home with two legally married parents because of the increased stability, security and rights your child will have either directly or indirectly through you.
scarew Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Thanks guys, I think I will write him a letter and tell him how I feel. Its just that the whole thing has so much bitterness attatched to it now, and I dont think thats what either of us want. I agree annie, we dont need a luxery item by any means. Thats HIS little quirk, not mine. It kind of is a status thing for him, but he is like this in many areas of his life. He acts richer than he is. But thats another story, its not something that really bothers me anymore.
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 It kind of is a status thing for him, but he is like this in many areas of his life. He acts richer than he is. But thats another story, its not something that really bothers me anymore. do you guys have a lot of credit card debt? batya - they are married We are technically married under the law, but of course have not walked down the aisle and all that crap.
scarew Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 We are legally married. I legally own half of his stuff, and he owns half of mine. Common law in Canada happens quite quickly. I think you might have a point about denial though. I do feel like I need some sort of sentimental committment, or visual commitment. Its only different because I am pregnant I think. Like Amber said, she went out and bought a ring for herself. Its the "looks" and everything that bother me I think.
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I think that this is a lot of the diamond industries' fault and the media's fault for making it seem like if you do not have a big honking diamond on your hand, he doesn't love you. I think you know better and he should too. the diamond industry has done a really good job convincing men and women that they must buy women a ring that will put them into debt to prove their love. I see no point in an engagement ring if you are already married.
lizziebee Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 society likes us to have the "rock" and other women want to know why you don't have one and always need to ask........
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 oh, wait, you are common law? how long does it take in canada? ok, I get it now...... I think in the US it takes about 7 years...
southerngirl Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 What about finding one that you are happy with, or a style you would like.... then showing it to him and telling him this is REALLY what you want. Make sure its in your price range, and then putting it on layaway? YOu get the ring you want, maybe a little more than you can afford today, but not too much to put you over the top.. I love layaway, you can pay on it each few weeks until you have it. At least then you have an end goal in mind.
scarew Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Not really. He wont get a credit card under his name because he is bad with money (responsible on his part). I have a few credit cards. The balances are not zero but they are not out of control, and do get completley paid off periodically. What I mean by he acts richer than he is: His parents are very wealthy. Although they are humble and did not raise him to think that he should rely on nice things, I would say my J is a very typical version of the new generation that buys what they want, when they want it. Supposedly this generation doesnt pay for anything upfront. His car is a lease, and a very expensive one. He has a tendency to splurge more than I would on payday. He insists on top of the line products in almost every area he can. Hence, the ring thing.
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 good idea southerngirl! if he really wants to buy you a ring, why not let him? and pick something out you will like. the layaway idea is good.
rocio Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 A couple other ideas: - using a family ring, perhaps from a grandmother. -E-bay
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 oh yeah, I have found lots of beautiful, well priced jewlery on ebay!
sophie274 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I agree with Batya. Even though you are common law, maybe having an official ceremony/saying your vows in front of a witness would give you a sense of commitment, and you could exchange wedding bands ... maybe wait a bit for the flashier engagement ring.
Hope75 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 (PS - I don't see why he would insist on buying you an engagement ring when you are already married. kind of silly to me. why not just ask him to save up for a ring for your 10 year anniversary? ie, if he puts away $10-15 a month for the next 10 years, he can buy you something nice then (over $1000 will have been saved)) I think it is because they are seen as common-law married because they have lived together for a year, but he has not actually proposed or gotten her a ring- so not married in the sense that he asked her, she said yes, and they had a wedding. Is that what you mean, scarew? Either way, I think Annie's idea of a gold band for aroun 100$ is a great idea, and then maybe the rock can come later- when you have a little more money to throw around.
Hope75 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I was just putting myself in your shoes, scarew, to think about how I would feel. I've lived with my bf for 4 years now, but we are not engaged. Here in the US it used to be if you lived together for 7 years you were common law, but I think that even that has been done away with. But regardless, if I did end up living with him for 7 years with no proposal (God help me!) I would still not feel as though we were married, because he never asked me, I didn't have a ring, there was no type of ceremony (even a quickie at the JOP). To me, living together for that long would not symbolize the type of commitment I am looking for from him, and I wonder if you are feeling the same way about your boyfriend, especially since it's been alot less that you've been living with him, and you'd like something tangible to show his commitment... not just to others but for your own piece of mind too. Especially now that you are expecting a baby- I can see wanting that type of commitment and security. Why not ask him about the gold band?
katie831 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 i understand about the whole wanting to show you have commitment now that you are pregnant. My partner and I have both decided that we will get engaged and married etc when we both want to not just because we are having a child together, and we both know that this will happen. But now as i am 24 weeks and obviously lookng quite preggers i want to show people that i am just not 'yet another single unmarried mother'. Its also a problem as i am not only young i look a lot younger than i actually am. It's a shame that we have to change for society when it should be the other way round. 1
scarew Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Yah I agree with annie too. I wrote him a letter he should get it when he wakes up. I told him that I am not exactly sure why it means so much to me, but my heart can't take another promise right now. I suggested a small band and getting me something else later. I think alot of this is really just the same as why amber bought herself a ring. Amber knows she is okay and has made the decision to stay single. But to avoid looks and comments, she got herself a ten dollar ring. If J is stubborn and wants to wait until he can get me some bling, maybe I will just go out and get myself something. The comments old ladies make at the gym about my bare finger bothers me the most because I KNOW how committed me and my partner are. Maybe all I need is something to shut them up for now, and I will get my sentimental fix later. Ill keep you guys posted on how the letter thing goes...
Hope75 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Hey Scarew, Do you think a letter is the way to go? Or maybe talking to him in person? I think talking face to face is a better way to handle things.... I am not sure why you chose the letter instead. Do you think he will get defensive or upset about what you have to say, so you want to give him some time to think about it? As for the ladies at the gym- tell them your fingers are too swollen for your ring- lots of pregnant women take their rings off as they advance into the pregnancy- the edema in your fingers can make it hard to get them on and off!
scarew Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Yah I have actually told them before that my ring is getting resized because me fingers a swollen. I feel harsh and desperate lying though. I chose the letter because I dont want to exhaust the topic. We recently talked about this, but I dont think I said everything I had to say. I just sort of sucked it up and told myself to wait, but I dont think I can do this all over again. Plus I am feeling really sick and need to sleep but needed to get it off my chest. At the end of the letter I wrote, "you deserve to know how I feel about this. How do you feel?" to leave it open for discussion. Thanks hope, you're so wise
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