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Did my wife cheat? Is this cheating?


cranbers
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give counselling a try, i mean they are trained to deal with people that are stubborn etc..

 

Why can't she hang out with women? i'm sure there are women who can be her friends or tell her to go volunteer somewhere!! HEYY I GOT AN IDEA, why can't she make friends with elderly people!! ( at old folks home or things lke that). Those people have life long experiences are interesting to talk to. But she's blind and she should not be hanging out with her guy friend. She's wrong and no matter how much she tries to convince you it's okay, just say no. You are suppose to be her only best guy friend/partner in life. Why is she turning to another guy for support?

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May be I am very much inexperienced, but you guys have no reasons to stick together unless some magic binds you.. but then there is your son, he would be the worst affected... you should come very strongly on her and tell her that she should kick that 'friend' outta her life right away.

Tell her that you are ready to make the marriage work for the sake of your son, but first things first, and for that she has to openly confess that she slept with her friend, which is my personal opinion judging by the situation you described. Hanging out all day is understandable, but what does she talk to him in the night.. and boob jobs?? oh my god...you cant be less sure of infidelity

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Thank you for posting your thoughts. I know what this situation looks like and I don't even think im taking it as serious as it seems. My wife has an ability to make me feel like I am doing the wrong thing. Making a big deal out of nothing. I mean you should of seen her face when I caught her on the phone. It was a oh * * * *, with a look at the ground. Then a let me explain its not what you think.

 

So yeah, is it possible they didn't sleep together? Her explanation as to why she didnt is she is married she doesn't do that. We haven't had sex in over a year and only a few times in the last several years so with that in mind the odds of her have slept with him after all seem to grow.

 

She desperately does not want me to leave. I am not sure why, you should see her ball when she talks about how much I hurt her. When I talked to my sister about her situation just before we got married. I mean we fight, argue, lie to each other. We can't get a long. She has emotional baggage of a mile long train. She has an eating disorder, she has obsessive compulsive disorder, which seems to be most of our problems.

 

so yeah, what the heck am I doing? What more do I need? I guess I am just a door mat. She has convinced me that I am at fault somehow that it was my doing that she went to this guy. I mean she went so far as to start giving me guilt trips, like oh I guess I can't go to my employee appreciation dinner now huh. I can't go out with friends anymore or talk to this guy. If I don't let her she is going to be lonely and sad.

 

So I do just need to man up and say im done, move out and try gett some results. This latest move of hers which was never done before was just strange. So she is getting desperate. But yet she wants to stay together.

 

What kind of sense does that make?

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My wife has an ability to make me feel like I am doing the wrong thing

cranbers,

I have known a few people who have been cheated on by their spouse. For a high majority of them, when they confronted their spouses they were told that they were being paranoid, they were sick and needed help. Alot of the people who were cheated on thought that it was just them being ridiculous and going through some little stage, and they ended up visiting a psychologist to fix it, only to find out at a later date (sometimes years) that they were in fact being cheated on in the first place. Most people who are doing the wrong thing will try to make you think that you are sick and paranoid and need to see a counsellor to fix YOU. You start thinking that you are the problem.

 

Please don't think that you are doing anything wrong. You're not. Give her an ultimatum. Me or him buddy. It's as easy as that.

 

Good luck cranbers

thinkin' of ya

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I agree, ultimatum. either she gets serious about working on the marriage and kicks this guy out of her life, or you walk. she's not having sex with you, she's going out all night with this guy, and you've overheard she feels contempt for you. If she's not sleeping with this man now, she will be any minute. I don't think you are doing the wrong thing by trying to keep together your family.

 

good luck

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In this situation I say forget ultimatums, IMO.

 

You heard her talking crap about you to another dude, she is hanging out with another dude and she isn't sleeping with you and hasn't in a while. I'll say it again; what more proof do you need?

 

She shouldn't be worried about "making friends" she should be worried about making her marriage stronger.

 

You know she has the abillity to make you feel guilty, you also have the ability to see through her complete BS and stand up for yourself and what you feel is right. Do you want to go through the rest of your life like this? Get out while you are still young man.

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Ok, let me see if I have this right:

 

*Your wife has not been intimate with you in a year and she essentially asked your permission to go on lunch dates with another man?

 

Insane.

 

That is probably to lesson the guilt so she can tell herself that what she is doing is somehow "ok".

 

Of course her parents are going to tell you to stay with her. They are her parents- their concern is with HER (their child) first and foremost, no matter how much they may care about you. They don't want to see their daughter in financial distress due to a divorce.

 

You're being walked all over now.

 

The fact that your wife would tell you that you talking to your sister is "cheating" is crazy. She is just turning things around on you- once again to probably lesson the guilt on her part.

 

You are 26 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. IMO, this marriage is already over if she wants your permission to go on lunch dates with a single man who she previously spent the night with. As a married woman myself, there is only one male co-worker I have lunch with and consider a very close friend- but he is 50 years-old and gay- and he has also been over to my home for dinner and is friends with me and my husband.

 

What she is doing with this guy is far beyond "friends". She's already committed emotional cheating with him by telling him all about your marriage. I reallyl don't think you got the full story about what happened whe nshe spent the night with him either. She says if she is not friends with him then she will be "lonely"??? Come on- I think she needs to know what "lonely" really means. You are being taken for granted and used BIG TIME. I too am starting to doubt that counseling can fix wounds that are this deep. She is not even turning to you to be part of a solution- instead she is talking to the other man and making you feel like a bad person for talking to your own sister.

 

I think at this point, you need to look out for yourself and find a good lawyer. No one should have to live under those conditions. Get out now, and take your dignity with you. You can still be a great dad to your children, without having to take this treatment.

 

BellaDonna

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My opinion is...you are just her fall back guy...If something goes wrong with this other man, she still has you to fall back on.

 

She is using you for different levels of support...financial....security...those sort of things. She knows when she is done going out and having fun, she can come back to her haven...her comfort zone. Where you are the rock that is holding the fort down while she is out.

 

People who cheat will almost always make their partner feel as tho they are just looking for something that isn't there. That they are imagining the whole thing. Dont fall into that trap. Trust your gut, what is it telling you?

 

A whole hell of a lot of affairs start in the work place. I've been in the same place you are...where 'she' was just a friend who he had lunch with...took all his breaks with...who did everything with her....yet, there was nothing going on. He went so far as to lie to me that his company didnt have a christmas party so that he wouldn't have to take me and have me possibly over hear of their 'friendship'.

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My wife has an ability to make me feel like I am doing the wrong thing. Making a big deal out of nothing.

 

Cranbers,

 

You have EVERY right to be distrustful and doubting at this point. Do NOT let her tell you otherwise. The evidence is pretty damning. If she respects you and values your relationship then she needs to treat this as very very serious. Even if she is 100% innocent in intention and deeds, she needs to face up to how much these actions are hurting you and how unhealthy her relationship with this 'friend' is for your mariage right now.

 

If her priority is you and the mariage then she needs to join you for some serious councilling, and she needs to completely stop all communication with her 'friend' until you have both addressed the situation and you are comfortable with the relationship. That does not make you a controlling person. That makes you someone that respects themself.

 

If she does not see what her 'friendship' is doing to you, or does not care enough to address it in a healthy fashion then that should tell you a whole lot.

 

Do not let her convince you your feelings are invalid or that you do not have issues that need to be dealt with.

 

Be strong!

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She desperately does not want me to leave. I am not sure why, you should see her ball when she talks about how much I hurt her.

 

She doesn't want you to leave because she will be crucified in divorce court for infidelity and when the psych. issues come out she will probably lose custody.

 

 

The court will either order her go to therapy for an eval. or commit her for observation if she refuses.

 

 

Does she understand how much she is hurting you?

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I totally agree with starlight. I was cheated on by my ex-husband twice...that I know of, and both times he turned the tables on me and tried to make me feel like I was paranoid, overreacting and plain crazy. We eventually went to counseling when it happened the second time and he LIED to the counselor the entire time...3 sessions of total BS until the counselor started to side with him too, BUT... when the woman he was having the affair with ( a "friend" of ours) started acting just as strange as him I confronted her. I told her that he had told me everything and that I just wanted to know why she did it. She caved in... crying and apologizing...admitted everything!

 

My point is, that he tried so hard to make me believe he was faithful and that the problem was with me. He even got as far as convincing our counselor! I think I was one step from the loony bin

 

Anyway, cheaters are always great liers. Sometimes they start to believe their own lies too. Don't throw away your own personal happiness to stay with a person that doesn't care about you. Leave now! Don't stay for 15 years like I did. Leaving him was THE BEST thing I have ever done for myself.

 

Sorry if I rambled, this just reeeeeally hit a nerve with me.

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For YOUR sake, not hers, get out. You're being used, that much is clear. What for is unknown, but it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. She wants you to stay, probably not because she loves you, but because she needs something you provide, whatever that may be. It's a losing situation for you any way you play it. This woman has issues that probably can't be solved by a counselor. I say leave and do it quickly before things get really ugly. You don't sound like you have any real emotional attachment to her so why stick it out? I'm in a bad situation with my marriage, but honestly, it doesn't seem so bad after reading about yours. No sex for a year? I'm unhappy because it can last 2 weeks and I have to practically beg for it at times. I would end the relationship after 6 months of that personally if there wasn't a good reason for it.

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is she getting treated for her eating disorder and compulsive disorder? she better coz it's serious and it does make a person think differently about life.

- usually the symptomes that come are depression, fatigue and mood swings as well as Loss of sexual desire or promiscuous relations. So depending on how severe her disorders are they are affecting her judgment. She really should see a doctor or something to help her.

 

yeah sounds liek your wife needs psychological help and issues to deal with.

 

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Even before I read she was with another guy, I was thinking how ridiculous it is for her to not show up home until the next day, and she has a baby at home. Wow, that would be totally unacceptable. Then for her to lie by not telling you who she was with and then going out again. Is she crazy for thinking this is okay? I assume you mention the age in maybe her defense as if this would be appropriate for a younger person. I am 25, have been married 7 years and have 2 young boys and have never done anything like that. Heck, I never go anywhere, without my husband and/or kids. On top of it all, you caught her talking about you negatively to him?? That all is just way too much.

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I would agree with all your posts. The sad/almost humerous thing is that looking at the evidence and the behavior it does all point to something not being right.

 

We had a conversation for a few hours after I went to work one night, over gmail chat. So I have records of it. here are some excerpts of what she said:

 

me: lets see who is hurt here? um yeah I think its me. You think because I found out about your little fling, your hurt now?

Stefanie I am not sure why after four years of crap, even if I was gang banging, why that would be worse than everything[/b]

I am not making excuses. I wish I had not spent any time with him

8:44 PM I did, and I wish I had not, but I really need someone to talk to

That was your reason for everything that happened 4 years ago. I know that it is different, but he is just a friend

I know you don't believe that, and maybe I am stupid for thinking that

But, it's true

me: then you go to a therapist or a female friend not some guy who could very easilly be my replacement

8:45 PM Stefanie: I know

me: and after your comment on friday about having another baby with me or you will have someone else

then about being friends and everything else

Stefanie: I would certainly not do that

me: yeah well you said it.

Stefanie: What I meant by that is that I am 26, had alot of trouble having Wes, so if this is not going to work, I need to decide that sooner rather than later so I can move on

8:46 PM I think that is pretty rationale

I am not saying that we must make this work and you must impregnate me.

me: not really, i get the impression im onlly here because I am a sperm doner

Stefanie: I am saying we need to figure out if it is going to work

That's not true

me: we stopped having sex the second wesley was confirmed

8:47 PM Stefanie: You're here because I fell in love with you and wanted to have a family with you

me: 3 yeasr ago

Stefanie: I had severe post partum depression, and one that was gone, we were so screwed up, it would have meant nothin

me: every time after that was mercy and your right didnt mean anything

Stefanie: We've both not done the right thing many times

8:48 PM we need to decide if it's worth even trying

if it is not, I can move in with my parents for awhile

at least that is free

I need to go grab a drink

brb

me: wesley is asleep right

8:49 PM Stefanie: yeha

yes

I don't even know where we can begin to fix things

8:50 PM This weekend, all I wanted to do was forget

Forget all of the pain, and mistakes, and bull

And just feel normal

me: yeah well, you got yourself in quite a bind when you ran to another man for support.

did you even hang out with shelly at all this week end, honestly?

Stefanie: I didn't intend to run to him

On Friday, yes

me: did you stay with him or with her?

Stefanie: Not on Saturday

8:51 PM me: be honest please

Stefanie: I did not do anything

me: but you spent hte night at his house

fri and sat?

Stefanie: I don't have much to be lying about

no

8:52 PM me: where were you then

Stefanie: On Friday, we went to Bethesda, and I stayed at one of Shelly's friends houses

He was there

me: sat you stayed at his house

Stefanie: You want to incriminate me so you can divorce me

I am not stupid

8:53 PM me you went out with him sat night and not with shelly is that correc then?[/b]

Stefanie: no

me: and you spent hte night at his house

Stefanie: no

he has two kids

I would not do that

me: um, did you spend the night with him or no

8:54 PM Stefanie: We were at the same place, but not his house. Not a hotel either. And I did not sleep with him

me: and now im sure your going to lie so it doesn't matter.

where were you sat night.

Stefanie: Another co-worker's house

me: male or female

Stefanie: Not Shelly's

female

Kelly

me: so you didnt hang out with shelly at all sat

Stefanie: no

me: so where were you all day sunday

8:55 PM Stefanie: I went to Hagerstown to go shopping

at the outlets

me: who him?

Stefanie: and then it started to snow, so I came home

not with him

with Kelly

me: so you spent all day sat with him

Stefanie: he has two kids, as I've said 100 times

me: and friday night

8:56 PM Stefanie: I came home on Saturday morning, we argued, I went back out, and saw him again Saturday evening

me: you know the fact you said that im going to use this to incriminate you makes me feel liek your not going to be honest. and thats fine

dont expect honesty if you didnt want me you would

Stefanie: Well, it is a little weird that you won't talk to me on the phone

me: who would say i love you i want to be with you, oh yeah I slept with this other guy. sorry

thi sis easier

8:57 PM good point though this would work well for that.

Stefanie: I DID NOT SLEEP WITH HIM

i am not a

i told you i love you because i want to

me: why not? he is providing emotional support, we all know that leads to sex.

Stefanie: i want to be a good wife, a good mom, and a good person

me: at least beteen a male and female

Stefanie: then if it leads to sex, why aren't you supportive?

8:58 PM me: I dont get sex if I did maybe I would be supportive. laying in bed after words is when im most open and we get along.

at least we did.

8:59 PM I think what killed the marriage off more then anything was sleeping in different beds.

9:00 PM Stefanie: i agree with that

but, is that my fault?

me: I snore, and you refused to let me get surgery to help and you refuged to let me sleep next to you even after I got the cpap

we tried 1, night.

9:01 PM Stefanie: You tried to sleep next to me with it once, and you could not sleep b/c it was so high up

i am sorry, but i have to sleep

i was pregnant, and exhausted

and then we got used to it

i agree it was not good

me: ok and you havent been for over 2 years

Stefanie: i know

i think we need to figure out what to do now

9:02 PM if you want me to forget the past, then you have to as well

me: trying to figure out the point of failure is going to be difficult.

Stefanie: i am pretty sure i know when it was

me: there are many, its like the whole thing was built on mud

Stefanie: i know the things that keep me up at night, at leat

it's saying things like that

9:03 PM me: you admitted it though. we got married before we were established as a couple. Even counselors told us that.

Stefanie: i agree with that

i had alot of issues

me: marriage came first, now friends have to come.

 

I realize that is kind of long and boring and hard to read as is. But basically she wasn't clear about where she was on sat night. Fri night and sat she was with him. What they did exactly she never told me. I would like to know details and i want to know exactly what they did those nights.

 

What you see there is the depth of our conversation. She avoids details she just says nothing happened. So what you see is what you get.

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Stefanie: even now, as crappy as it makes me feel to have turned to someone else, I think it makes me feel ever crappier that i just wanted someone to talk to

and that could not be you

why is this easier?

9:05 PM me: well there is no reason it couldnt of been. you were talking to this guy about me. you can't do that with the person you know.

I can't talk to you if I have a problem with you any more then you can to me.

Stefanie: i guess i really wanted to know if i really am up

9:06 PM me: you were talking about me with this guy.

Stefanie: yes, i was

i was telling him that you tell me i am nuts

and that i am not a good mom

and not a good wife

and that sometimes i think it's true

and i wanted to hear it

i wanted to hear it is not true

9:07 PM he does not even know me very well

me: yeah and i wonder what he would tel lme about his wife.

then i would liek to hear what his wife says about him.

ex

Stefanie: i know

me: I bet if i told him what you do he would say oh damn, i didnt know that.

Stefanie: and what do i do?

me: you will get the email stop talking to me so i can finish it.

9:08 PM Stefanie: are these things that are definitive, or things that are your perception?

me: they are things that make us fight.

9:09 PM Stefanie: but are they things that someone else may not mind

me: are they meant to hurt you no, but it is meant to tell you like it is and not sugar coat it.

Stefanie: some people don't mind order, even if it is crazy order

i don't think you've sugar coated it since three weeks after we got marries

me: things you alrready know so its not knew.

new

9:10 PM Stefanie: then just send it

you don't have to be completely finished

i am getting to the point where i think we need to be separated

but i don't want it to be permanent if it does not have to be

and no, i do not want to sleep with others

i want to have some space to think so i can not feel like a piece of * * * *

9:11 PM you there?

9:12 PM me: yes im finishing hold on ok

9:13 PM Stefanie: Barb and her husband are trying to figure out how to separate

it is a hard thing, when you have kids

very hard to set up two households that are both amenable to having the kids there

9:14 PM and see eachother all the time

how much longer is this going to take? i am aging as we speak

9:15 PM and watching the Food Network, so very hungry

I actually am a funny person, most people think

just not you

me: that is because you hate me.

Stefanie: no, i don't

if i did, i would be thrilled to be rid of you

9:16 PM i would have had sex on the front lawn to make sure you knew

you there?

9:17 PM writing a novel?

me: yeah pretty much.

Stefanie: is this going to be the document you give to an attorney?

please just send it

i have to go to bed soon

me: pretty much yeah,

Stefanie: i have had a rough time

are you planning to fole for divorce tomorrow?

file

9:18 PM me: well hw do i know you didnt sleep at this guys house or have sex wit him. you won't admit it because you want this to work for some reason. I dont see why you would. our marriage quite frankly is hell.

Stefanie: i don't want to make a mistake

9:19 PM me: i mean it isnt a marriage really, as you said its room mates who hate each other

Stefanie: this whole weekend, i had plenty of opportunities to ruin our marriage

me: you seem to think cheating is having sex.

you went to another man, for emotional support.

you hung out with him behind my back.

Stefanie: then we either need to continue being roommates, but not hate eachother, leave eachother, or something else

i don't view that as cheating

me: i caught you ont he phone talking to him for hours late at night.

Stefanie: i view it as lonely, desperate

and i admitted it

9:20 PM and told you why

and told you i needed someone

and that i would prefer for it to be you

but that it could not be apparently

me: you werent sitting there crying saying im so sad and hurt.

Stefanie: That was Saturday

I have been sad and hurt for four years

9:21 PM he thought i was such a b/c i was always frowning

me: well, then it was more then being lonely, this was getting to know each other and feeling each other out like couples do.

 

Here is some more.

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This is some more good tid bits.

 

Stefanie: i do believe that had we continued, something would have happened

i do acknowledge that

but, we did not

9:35 PM i need to be able to read this

me: well at least you admit that. So with that in mind I am done, I am obvoiusly not what you need. i will not pretend that things are ok anymore.

Stefanie: when have you pretended?

me: I dont need some other man sticking his in you to figure that out.

Stefanie: you told me three weeks after we got married what a i was

9:36 PM and that your whole family thought so

that's not pretending

me: your not turnig this on me i acknowledged all of that.

its done.

Stefanie: you acknowledged it, but did not do anything

me: and what are you going to do about this?

Stefanie: so, i am acknowledging that i could have done something, but didn't

9:37 PM if you love me, i would stop, since nothing has really even started

if you don't, i will keep having friends

and eventually find someone else

i hope

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Holy geez lots of reading...

 

Ok, I am really tired and need to go to bed, but I will keep following ur post. So far from what I have read, I think you two really should go back to counselling before making any rash decisions. It is possible that she didn't sleep with him, it is possible that she still does love you and wants to make it work. It is also very possible that you two made a mistake by actually getting married and a divorce would rectify it. I think you should give yourselves a dedicated amount of time where you both promise to focus on repairing your relationship. It could take years to repair, but if you really want to get a good start, I would say give yourselves at least 2 months of pure dedication to fix it. No going out for dinner with other ppl, no secret phone calls. Go to counselling and marraige retreats if you can. Maybe both of you could see a personal counsellor as well. Give yourselves a couple months of pure dedicaiton and see if you get anywhere. If not, well, you only wasted a couple months, and you can honestly say you tried. If there is progress, maybe there will be hope for the future and you can decide if you are both prepared for the journey of repair.

 

Make an appointment on monday.

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I'm not a 'relationship expert' at all, but I can see she shouldn't have gone and sound this little playmate, but it's not the problem - merely a symptom of the problem. It's quite obvious you've lost the intimacy and she was just looking to be cared for. get some counsilling, cut off contact from the guy and move back into the same bed.. have you tried snore strips/drops/pills?

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Thanks everyone I appreciate the posts. I have moved out of the house monday and have applied to an apartment. I have moved in with her parents to get to the bottom of all this, before commmiting to the apartment, I have 30 days to move in before the application expires and I can't move in.

 

She still will not admit she did anything with him. But when questions about specific actions she did that night are asked, like an interogation she immediatley says she won't answer any questions.

 

So with that in mind its even more obvious something happened but I probably will never know. I didn't leave her simply for this, but this was the last straw taht broke the camels back. Our marriage is horrible and there needs to be some change. I hope she now understand the seriousness of what she did. That she will change and this behavior will stop. I have no seconds thoughts or worries about being on my own again. the last several days out from under her rule have been amazing.

I know each day will continue to get better and I made the right decision. I wish I would of done this several years ago, then maybe they would of been so much nicer.

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. . . . I have moved in with her parents to get to the bottom of all this, before commmiting to the apartment, I have 30 days to move in before the application expires and I can't move in. . . . .

 

She still will not admit she did anything with him. But when questions about specific actions she did that night are asked, like an interogation she immediatley says she won't answer any questions. . . . . I didn't leave her simply for this, but this was the last straw taht broke the camels back. Our marriage is horrible and there needs to be some change.

 

Cranbers,

 

Play pretend for a moment.

 

Pretend that she honestly admits to an affair. You said you both lie to each other, so pretend that you both come clean about all the lies over all the years.

 

Now pretend that she wants you back and is willing to work on it.

 

In this pretend scenario, do you want her back?

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Cranbers,

 

Play pretend for a moment.

 

Pretend that she honestly admits to an affair. You said you both lie to each other, so pretend that you both come clean about all the lies over all the years.

 

Now pretend that she wants you back and is willing to work on it.

 

In this pretend scenario, do you want her back?

 

 

That is true, would I want her back if she admits she did anything with him? probably not. Not considering there are other fish in the sea. I do feel for my son though. He deserves better then all this crap.

 

So I found out more about the situation. She has admitted she spent Saturday night with him, at his house. She left at 2am on sunday after I found her on the phone with him, she went to his house then as well. That wednesday she left at 9pm after a fight and didn't come home till 1am.

 

She spent 6 hours on her cell phone with him over the period of several days just from the 18th of jan to 22nd of jan when i caught her naturally after that point she didn't use her cell phone. This is in addition to being with him in person, not to mention being on the home phone which can't be tracked.

 

At first she wouldn't admit she spent the night at his house. Now she does. But she still will not admit she did anything with him.

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