My fiance says I am "not his type"

[limeorchid]

First, many thanks to all who read this and offer of themselves to help. I am in a real crisis and I need this so much right now.

 

My fiance and I have been together for several years and now have a 1 1/2 year old. We have a great "partnership" (Like a well run business), we respect, know and care for each other. We want the same things. In short it is the perfect relationship aside from one issue...

 

This issue has been going on for him since we met but did not become clear to me until I was 7 months pregnant. He went to NYC following his graduation from college, and came back acting "strange" (no he was not cheating, we're not like that)

 

When I asked him what was going on he replied "Lately I've been feeling frustrated when I see really attractive women. I've always had a type and your not it."

 

When I asked what his "type" was he said "Petite, athletic, volupitious women" I am 5'2" weigh 110 lbs although I am not "athletic" I feel I am close enough. I am considered very attractive by most of the human population, just not my partner.

 

We began counciling and went several times. He eventually wanted to stop because he felt that spending that time having "fun" would help more than just re-hashing the issue. Several months later he found himself back again alone. Then we discovered that we had to move out of state.

 

We packed up our home, put it up for sale, bought a new house, renovated, had two very sick kids (hospital sick) for 3 months, crisis with the in-law's etc...very stressfull time. We also moved for HIS career and HIS career only.

 

When we first arrived in new location, he asked me to marry him. I had asked that we not do this until he had resolved this issue in his heart. So, I was delighted because I felt that his asking me must mean that he had closure and was ready to move forward into a life together.

 

nope. Again, last night he tells me he wants to begin seeing a therapist again. That while it does seem "better" he still has these thoughs (Mainly that while he finds me attractive I am not his ideal and when he see's a woman that he finds "striking" he not only has sexual feelings for them but also frustration in regards to me). He says that while he can't imagine a better partner and he knows in his head that this is a good thing, that there IS a part of his heart that has not given over (it's called passionate love).

 

So * * *. I am so over it at this point I just want to find a way to survive. I do not like how I feel when I am with him. I do not like either of us leaving the house!!! this is no way to live.

 

What's worse, he teaches and gets a fresh batch of 18-21 yr. olds every 16 weeks, who he says "undress" for class.

 

I want to leave the relationship. I guess I need to hear if I am just over reacting or if it is time to throw in the towel.

 

Also, any survival tips. How to feed the kids? Find housing etc. We will have to re-locate to another state due to the high cost of living where we are and the poor school system.

 

Breathe...

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA limeorchid! Great to have you join us.

 

First off, I am sorry that you are in this situation. You are exactly right, this is no way to live. And you certainly put forth a solid and sustained effort to improve the situation.

 

You already know what you want to do. You are not overreacting. You reached ground zero with your frustration and that is key. My experience has been once that switch is flipped, there is no going back.

 

I guess the best way is to think of this as proverbially "cutting your losses", i.e., you could invest more of your life existing in a relationship with someone who most likely needs continued therapy for himself (has he sought therapy on his own?) vs. freeing yourself to focus on your children, your career, and make yourself available for better relationships. He is not going to change and from what you wrote about the schoolgirls, may even pursue something there.

 

In short, can you live with his issues for the rest of your life?????

 

I think your best bet as far as a support system here is reaching out to your family. That is who I suggest you turn to first.

[Daligal83]

I hope this isn't too harsh for you to hear, but I don't think he's in love with you. He probably loves you, but isn't IN love with you. I say this because typically my type was tall, heavy, dark skinned guys. My boyfriend is tall, but skinny and pale..and I think he is the most attractive guy out there. This is because I am completely in love with him (plus he's just hot haha). The fact that he lusts after this women and is frustrated with you for not looking like them is NOT ok. You deserve to be with someone who can't keep their hands off of you.

 

As for survival tips...are you working? If not, I suggest finding employment. Also he'll have to contribute money to help raise them, right?

[caro33]

I'm so sorry, this sounds just awful. I agree, either he has not truly given you his heart, or perhaps he is just really shallow. Whatever the reason, he has misrepresented himself to you, and it seems really unfair that he moves forward with you and then holds you responsible for not living up to his perfect type. The thing is also, you are very petite, and obviously slim. So what does he really want? Nubile 21 yr old Playboy bunny? Bolt on extra parts? It's not like you are a huge heifer and have no correlation with what he says he wants.

 

But I digress. It doesn't matter what you look like, he chose you and it was all his own doing.

 

He chose you originally, he led you to believe he chose you definitively. Then he backtracked and said deeply insensitive things. I actually think you will never be his type, even if you tried. I think he is grasping at straws to explain his own lack of desire to really commit. He is being confronted with hot young things and he wants to act out, and resents you because he can't.

 

I'm not sure there's anything you can do to "fix" this. He has to want to sort this out, and then SORT IT. Now maybe that means it ends between you two, but it means either that or he knuckles down and keeps these fantasies where they belong - away from the real-life interactions he has with you. He needs to get over himself and act responsibly toward you and your child.

 

I'm so sorry, but I think that you have done what you can, and there comes a point where you say ENOUGH. I don't think you are overreacting at all. This behaviour disrespects you and disrespects all you have made in life together.

 

I can't help I'm afraid re how to break free and make a new life, but I hope there is family you can turn to.

[melrich]

I'm going to disagree with the others here. Mainly because I can see an alternative perspective. I wonder if your partner is not confusing his attraction to other women with you not being his type?

 

That while it does seem "better" he still has these thoughs (Mainly that while he finds me attractive I am not his ideal and when he see's a woman that he finds "striking" he not only has sexual feelings for them but also frustration in regards to me). He says that while he can't imagine a better partner and he knows in his head that this is a good thing, that there IS a part of his heart that has not given over (it's called passionate love).

 

Many people in relationships (I hesitate to say most but I'm sure it is probably most) feel attractions to other people and sometimes frustration with the confines of a relationship. I mean it is for some people one of the compromises that must be made when you are in a committed relationship (monogamy).

 

I think it is possible that therapy can help him with this as from what you post you guys have very solid foundations and I think the fact that he sounds like he is being very honest with you is a huge positive.

 

I think he needs to be told that these feelings are not that unusual. That there are many people in relationships who sometimes get the urge to have the freedom of being single. That sometimes relationships are about hardwork and working at commitment.

 

At the end of the day it is up to you but I do think that you have a lot invested here and that he has recognised an issue that he has and is willing to give some professional therapy a go. It's no guarrantee of course (there are none in life) but it seems to me that there is plenty to work on here.

[caro33]

Yes, I see what you are saying melrich, and I guess I was reading this based on the fact that he's not getting over it even after counselling. The honesty is good, but you know what I would do if I was him? I would see the counsellor first. I would be out to protect my partner's feelings from what I was going through. I think that some people's "honesty" can be a way of assuaging guilt and putting the responsibility for dealing with bad stuff on the other person.

 

I guess the issue ends up being "when does he get past this?" It depends what type of person he is normally, and perhaps the quality of the counselling in the past. I agree that he should understand that marriage/commitment is not all love and posies, but I would have thought he would have been told that by now. If he has been told this a number of times and has chosen not to internalise it so far, the question is when will it ever make a difference?

 

I may be projecting here, my last major relationship was a little like this. He changed his mind every year or two for a while there. Thing is, the explanations about how he didn't feel "passionate love" for me like in the movies, and the fact that he resented that he never got to act on sexual impulses with younger women was true for him, even if it sounds lame to someone else. Being told that's "normal to some degree" didn't make a difference. We went through all that. I actually think it was just his way of saying "I don't think I want to be here", that's all. And then he wasn't there, a while after he asked me to marry him.

 

I'm not meaning to argue with you melrich, I think you have a point. I guess in this response to your post I am wanting to warn the OP that she needs to pay close attention to the processes he's already been through, and ask herself whether she really believes more counselling will make a difference. Maybe it will, who knows, but it depends how honest her fiance is being with himself about his real issues here.

[friscodj]

It is pretty hard to argue with several years of history on this matter plus the amount of time spent working on the issue and her apparent and powerful frustration with all of this. What do you most probably think the future holds?

[melrich]

I get what you are saying Caro and ultimately these feelings he had/has will either overtake the relationship or he will get them under control.

 

My advice was really based around this,

 

My fiance and I have been together for several years and now have a 1 1/2 year old. We have a great "partnership" (Like a well run business), we respect, know and care for each other. We want the same things. In short it is the perfect relationship aside from one issue...

 

Fact is, it is not unusual for people to sometimes feel conflicted by their relationship. Counselling may not work. He may not be able to get on top of these feelings. But I think given the history, the child they have and the fact that the relationship is pretty solid aside from this one issue, it is probably worth some perseverance with this.

 

He is obviously still attracted to the OP, she says as much. It may just be that he is reading his attraction to other women and his struggle with the confines of the relationship as "she's not my type" when really the question needs to be asked in a far more wholistic way IMHO.

[Caterina]

Honestly, it could be as simple as him looking at other naked women all day. Thats bound to be a temptation and a torture.

 

Some people will disagree with the previous statement. I think that love takes work. You sound like you have a really good head on your shoulders...you know how to make a relationship work...I can't offer much other then that I think you'll figure a solution out eventually.

[limeorchid]

wow. I am so thankfull for what everyone has said. There is a healthy balance going on and that is what I need to hear. I am trying to not act on survival impulse and rather pause, think, talk and calm down before making any rash decision.

 

I am so incrediably thankfull for you all here tonight. I am so lonley in this. I will tell my family if/when the time comes but for now I do not want to upset them without reason since we have made no final decision at this point and...because my family tends to only give me what they think I want to hear rather than what I need to.

 

You have and are all a blessing. Thank you again for being out in the world and sharing your own voice of expirence. All of you have said things that I need to think about and I respect and value all that you have to say.

 

I will consider everyones words and make a choice that I feel best serves myself and my children.

 

Most likely, I am leaning twards setting up a "time limit" in my head. If things have not shifted by June, then I need to move on. (due to school issues as well as sanity)

 

I allow this only because while he has been in therapy before, due to the circumstances, he has had to leave without having had enough time to really gain insight. This is also my best friend I am talking about and I think that even if we break up we will eventually be able to be friends again but not without the passing of significant time, given that we have a child and it will not be a clean break. I dread the loss of my best friend while I am, at this point, ambivilant about my fiance. In other words, I want it to work but I am also exhausted from feeling badly about myself.

 

I should clarify; this is not in any way holding me back from another relationship. I was totally happy with being single when I met my fiance, that is part of why we were friends for so long before becoming a couple. I am now almost 35 and if this relationship does not work out, I do not see myself getting involved in another. Not because I am jaded or bitter but simply because relationships require and deserve a great amount of energy and there are simply other things that I desire to be able to put that energy into.

 

I had always imagined that at 35 I would be a bit more settled down. I did see myself in a relationship and I knew that this would require work, but I thought of it more like maintaining...not taking almost all of what I had to

give.

 

At this point, to let go, heal, meet someone new, date etc...it is just not how I want to spend my time. I want to have time to work on ME. My music, art, environmental concerns, creative solutions, fun solutions and life situations.

 

I would never say that I will not get into another relationship. I can say however, that it is not important to me at this point. Perhaps someday it will be again. This relationship has required, and will continue to require, so much that I feel in order to be a healthy well rounded human being I have to make space for things besides rmantic relationships.

 

My children, my friends, my family. I want intimate relationships with them as well. This romantic relationship has taken so much that I feel those things have taken a back burner. The sad thing is, those relationships tend to be more long lasting in the social climate of 2007.

 

I would rather have had it all but if I can't, I choose to invest in both myself and other relationships that are long lasting and have been neglected and deserve my attention.

 

Again, thanks to you all

 

Sorry for the long post. I have had a few glasses of wine...much deserved tonight.

[caro33]

Hey limeorchid, it sounds like you are dealing well with things, and are treating this situation with the care and insight it deserves. Very sensible.

 

Best of luck with it all, please keep coming back here, okay?

[melrich]

Yes good luck with it all. I hope things work out as you wish them to.

[LovelyPetal]

The problem to me isn't so much to do with you not being his type. We all have ideal man/woman in our dreams but it doesn't mean that we don't or are not attracted to the object of our affection. The fact that he keeps going on about it shows he obviously has some concerns with this and might cause a problem if both of you were to get married.

 

The guys I've dated have not been adonis by any means but there was always something I really fancied about them and when I was in the relationship with them, I truly truly believd they were the best looking men in the world. I don't know how that works but there you go.

 

I think 35 is still quite young. You deserve to find someone who will love you as you are and who you can adore. Never settle for second best. It's a principle I like to live my life by.