Telling a Friend You Think She Should Not Marry her Fiancee

[Batya33]

My approach to this issue - unless you know the fiancee is truly cheating, has a criminal record, has a drug or alcohol problem or is abusive to your friend AND your friend either doesn't know or is incapable of taking care of herself for some reason, you do not advise her against marrying the person. If she point blank asks, then yes, maybe you can tell her but in my experience most engaged people do not ask their friends whether they should marry the person - and if there were doubts during the dating phase you never hear about those doubts again once the ring is on -- with few exceptions.

 

I'd be interested in hearing from people who gave unsolicited advice to a friend not to marry a particular person where there was no true abuse or any of the other issues I wrote above, but you just felt that she or he was making a terrible choice because of the person's personality/behavior and perhaps you felt strongly that it would get much worse once they were married. If you did give advice, was it a difficult decision to give the advice and what was the reaction?

[annie24]

I've been in that situation twice. one wound up not marrying the guy (for a multitude of reasons, probably relating to what I said, but I doubt I was her sole reason for calling off the wedding). i think I probably wasn't the only one telling her to call off the wedding, and I think a bit of her own common sense kicked in.... (she simply wasn't in love with him).

 

the other one didn't and is unhappily married now. with that one, the first time I met his fiancee, she had a screaming match with him in front of me (it was over something really minor). My first thing I said when she was out of earshot was.... "Uh, are you sure you want to get married? she yells at you a lot." well, he was a dumb butt and got married anyway, and the fighting got worse. and I was insulted that the first time she met someone new, she would have a screaming matching in front of them! oh well, whatever.

 

(in neither case was my opinion solicited, but at least with situation #2, I guess I had some right to say something as my eardrums were hurting).