Is there any hope?????

[ansleynicole]

I am 25 and was dating a guy who is 29 whom I go to church with. He is divorced and his wife was really mentally abusive to him. He has been divorced/away from her for 3 years. He dated a girl that some church people had set him up with for about a year and he didn't really see himself as marrying her and during that time became interested in me. It took him six months to ask me out after he broke up with her. I am the first girl he has asked out since the divorce. I had given him my number at one time but he threw it away and said he wanted to get it from me personally. About two months after I gave him my number he asked me out. Well anyway, our relationship was great but went really fast. We talked everyday on the phone and talked for hours. During the beginning of our relationship he found out that his little brother had cancer. I was with him through all of this and I tried to be as supportive as possible. Well things progressed really well and we even started talking about marriage. He had dicussed marriage to me with his parents and they were all for it. He was happy, they were happy and the church people were happy to see this guy caring about someone and having someone care about him. We started our relationship on honesty and communication. However, I could tell that his ex wife really had a bad impact on him and he thought bad about himself even though that I told him he was great. He could totally see a future with me and I could with him. Anyway there were times when we argued about stupid stuff. Things were going well until I got strep throat. We had spent the week together because of our birthdays and I couldnt really decided if I should go to his house on Sunday for dinner after having strep, not wanting to infect his little brother cause he was going through chemo. Well the guy got mad at me cause when I got to his house he was quiet in the car and would not talk to me so I dropped him off, left and did not call him before church that night, showed up alone and sat with my aunt and uncle a row behind him and then didnt talk to him. I am sure this made him really mad and when I called him when I got home he was mad and I asked him if he loved me and he asked what kinda question was that? I am lost. He dumped me the next week at a church cookout and totally crushed me. I remember and incident when his wife left him onetime and he didnt know where she was and maybe that is what he felt about me. I know when they usually got in arguments he would leave but then go back later. Maybe he has a problem with running. He did tell me when we broke up that if we started out like this it would always be like this, I guess that meant this one incident of me leaving he couldnt handle. I did ask him if he would ever find anyone who loved him as much as I did and he said no.

 

My question is did he really love me and is there any chance in the future of us being together? He wrote me letters and brought me flowers and even candy on my birthday. He was so great. He told me he loved me more than anyone else he had been with and that he was happier with me than he had been with anyone else. I, along with some of the church people(his aunt included), think that he got scared of what he was feeling for me because of how he cared about his ex wife and then what happened with them. I think he has issues that he needs to work through by himself. I do love him and I accept him for all of his past in which he has told me a lot an was afraid I would not like him because of it but I still did.

It has been two months since we broke up and I still see him at every church meeting which is hard. We have said hello to each other but that is about as far as it goes. I did write him a letter and send to his house and he told me that he got it. I really dont think he would of told me that if he didnt still care. His family does still stay nice to me and his mom said they would always love me even if we never got back together. I really love him and I dont want to give up on him because I feel like we are right and meant to be together but maybe the timing is just wrong or issues need to be dealt with first....any advice????

[Teal]

This guy sounds like a creep. He dumped you, because you were questioning his love for you....

 

It doesn't sound like a substantial reason for him to leave you. If he really made your heart feel happy and secure, then you wouldn't have to ask, but it sounds he didn't. Even if he did, and you asked, then he still shouldn't have left you for any reasons.

 

Often times a player, will always make it seem like they were played. Him telling you that his Ex-wife was abusive sounds a little farfetched, because there are two sides to a story right?

 

It sounds like he's hiding something on his part, and completely blaming her for something he's done, and has no shame.

 

I hope that you will find the strength to move on....Be careful...Good luck okay...

[ansleynicole]

Actually I thought he was just being sarcastic cause he was mad. I thought that he meant that I should know that he loved me. I dont know why I asked him that question in the first place cause I knew he loved me.

As far as the ex wife thing he said that it was both of their faults but through church people and all they said it really messed him up and hurt him. He tried to stay with her and make it work but he just couldn't take her hitting him and manipulating him and stuff.

He always seem to think that no one would love him and that he wasnt good enough for me. He always thought that maybe I would be happier with someone else.

I found out later that people at church had been talking about how they saw him happier and that he seemed better than just sitting there all quiet and stuff. His aunt who sits on our row even told me that everyone could tell that we loved each other. Lots of people kept asking when we were getting married and stuff and I think it was on his mind heavy too but I think he wondered if he was doing the right thing.

My other question is...he dated the girl he was set up with for a year and they had broken up and gotten back together but he didnt really feel like she was someone he would marry so why would he date me for four months and plan on getting married and bolt? I think we will get back together and maybe I am stupid for even hoping that we do but I have felt like the whole time we were together and before we even started dating that I was led to the church I was to met him. I feel like I am the only one who will love and accept him as he is. I want to mend his heart and let him know that not all girls are like the ex, maybe I have done what I was meant to do. I guess if nothing ever happens I will always be special to him cause I helped him and was there for him while his little brother was sick.....any thoughts??? do you think he could be scared of committing to someone he has finally cared about???

[MollyElise]

It sounds to me like he has some things he's got some things he needs to work out. Im sure that with this quick romance and having a lil scare w/ you not showing up freaked him out. I think that once he gets his head out of the sand, he will come running to you on bended knee. Let him know that you still care, and are there for him 100% whenever he decides he does need you, of course that is, if that is how you feel. I think he freaked, and needs a nice warm & fuzzy, secure thing to pull him out. But then again this may be giving men too much credit.... Good Luck!

[ansleynicole]

i tend to agree. i do think that one day he will realize that i do love him and i will always be there for him. i told him that i loved him and thought he was the one and always will. however, on the day he dumped me i asked if he saw us together in the future or thought he would date me again and he said no. i figure he was still mad and trying to hide what he truly felt, at least that is how i feel after all the things he said to me. love doesnt just stop because of one incident and i think with his past he is just trying to run from the first girl that he cared about or at least that i thought he cared about. at times i think he tries to ignore me and it doesnt seem he is looking at me but one night i smiled at him when i didnt think he was looking and he smiled back at me so maybe he is not making it really obvious that he cares. i will give it time and pray that it works out cause i really do love him and dont want to spend my life with anyone else. i do however believe that if you love something you have to let it go and if it comes back to you then it is meant to be.....

[Missingit0912]

I know exactly what you are going through, I'm in almost the same situation, except I dumped her because she wasnt able to commit to me. I think he is just going through a rough time trusting people and its hard for him to hang on because he is afraid to get hurt. I think a good long talk with him about you hangin around will be good.

[ansleynicole]

i so love him and he knows that i wont go anywhere and i dont plan on hurting him. i wrote him a letter two weeks ago and told him that i would always love him and that i knew he felt safe with me cause he knew i would never hurt him or leave him. maybe i was too smothering but i do think he is having a hard time realizing that someone could really love him and want to be with him and i think he is scared that he will go through what he went through in the past.....maybe i am just fooling myself and he dont love me at all but that is hard for me to believe....

[reborn]

Hi ansley,

This is reborn again. Read this posting after answering ur posting of today. I don{t know if If what I have to say will help. It is just my opinion.

 

First of all it sounds like you are extremely hurt by what happened and missing your guy a lot. It sounds that you deeply care for him and miss him very much. It must be very difficult for you to deal with this situation as it sounds like he has totally shut down.

From the sound of your postings, and from being there my self, it sounds to me that the only thing that would make you feel better from this postings right now if is somebody told you you will denefetly get back together! and real soon! and he totally loves you and is just kinda playing hard to get, ect.....but ansley, deep down you know that 1. no one can tell you this with any certainty 2. You are the one living this situation, and no matter how distraught you are feeling now, you still have that little voice deep inside--call intuition, call instinct, call it the voice of God that sort of already has, better than anyone else, the sort of answer to this quetion. You know the details, you know him, you lived the situation, only you know if he loved you or not. Only you got those hugs, and kisses, and lived those moments with him. Nobody here can answer that question for you.

From the strip throat episode that you describe, if I get itright, it seems that there was a lack of comunication that may have led to some serious misinterpretations from his part. Did you tell him at the time why you didn{t go to dinner on Sun? Did you tell him how you were just being caring for his little brother and not wanting to expose him to this? Did you acknoledge him at all that Sunday evening when you sat behind him with your aunt, or his aunt, etc. If not did you apologize for this later? (I mean if you were both in church and you just sat behind him and not talk to each other the whole time... on top of the dinner incident could leave room for misinterpretation).

How about for the b-day. Did you tell him how happy you were and how much you loved the flowers, gift ect?

Maybe I am totally off the mark here. But if could all very well be that there was a misunderstanding and that you may need to work on your comunicative skills.

When we finish a relationship I think it is very important to evalute what went wrong. Yes, he may very well carry lots of bagage and have many complexes that may easily lead him to take things personally. Yet see your part in it and use this as time for some self improvement and personal growth. Work on this and show him how dedicated you are on improving this part of you, or that you have noticed you need to work on this, etc.

How about this letter or note? What exactly did you put in it? What{s it an indept explanation of what you think happened? Was it an maybe you need to put your life back together thing and I am hear for you? How open were you about your feelings and what you think went wrong or apology in this letter?

If he is shy too, he may have trouble expressing his feelings. If I was you being that you so deeply care about this man and so desire to be with him still I would approach him after church and invite him for coffee. Something casual you know. I wouldn{t bring up relationship issue right away in the cnversation and will do it subtly. But I think in your situation it may be worth a shot, as you seem to be completely anguished about this.

Finally, you seem to be going to some church. I am sure you are doing this, however trust God more with this. Pray, pray, pray. I think that this will stregnth you a lot since you are a believer.

Good luck to you anslei. There are no short answers and no easy way out. However, you have something on your side....you have your faith.

Take care and update me.

-Reborn