Lack of Self Control...

[gemini30]

I wish I had found this forum much sooner than a couple of weeks ago...and I have been browsing around reading. I am blown away to how much some of these stories relate to my own.

 

Let me start by saying I was in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship for almost 2 years. The first 3 or 4 months were intense, passionate, exciting and very, very FAST. We were in a relationship within a couple of weeks of meeting...mostly from him pushing for it. After the first few months...he would start to loose his temper. Then he became jealous and possesive of me...demanding to know where I am, what I am doing, who I am with. He began to cut me off from my friends...but I wouldn't let him cut me off from my family...he tried though. Then the sexual demands started. I was repeatedly told "if you don't do it, someone else will". So I would lay there like a limp rag so he could do his thing. Then, he started trying to have sex with me while I was asleep. That was the last straw. I started therapy about 3 months before that occurrence, b/c I knew I had to get out. That night, made me do it. After that, I was bombarded with phone calls, emails and unexpected visits to my work and home. My life was threatend...but he later called to appologize saying he had been drinking. He had threatend suicide numerous times when I would try and break up with him, and like a brainwashed fool, it worked. So after I finally broke up with him, he called my work saying he cut his wrists. I didn't believe him and neither did one of my co-workers who had been dealing with him calling my work. Sure enough he actually did it. But when I would not respond to his cries for help, he called the ambulance for himself....obviously it was for effect only. I never spoke to him again and never got closure.

 

Fast forward to now. Every once in a blue moon he would email me. I'd respond back. So a year ago, I emailed him very briefly. 3 months after that he responded. And emails were sent sporatically up until last night. He actually called me, and it freaked me the hell out. His voice acutally made me sick to my stomach. The only reason I wrote him in the first place is because I needed closure and I wanted to know how he was doing and see if he was moving forward. I should have left it alone. I have a feeling he is going to start obsessing again and it is a pain in my butt. My own doing, but a pain non the less. I now know that I will never talk to him again. But my question is, what do you think the chances are of him getting really mad and doing something? He left me alone for a good 2 years...but I started the communication back up. He wouldn't understand that I need the closure, would he? I am worried too, because he also knows I am married now.

 

It sucks that I still think about him. Not in a romantic way, but the "good" times were spontaneous and bliss. But the bad far outweighs the good. It's amazing how easy it is to over look the bad. But the bad keeps me grounded. This place here is really wonderful. I don't feel so alone and now I know I have a place I can come if I am feeling out of sorts over it. Many people don't understand if they have not been through it.

 

Sorry for the long post, but I had to get it out. Any feedback would be great. I just want to know opinions on: If I stop all contact now forever, is there a pretty good chance he will eventually leave me alone? Thank you.

[robowarrior]

Fits definitly in the control freak description.

 

What you basically did was ripping up an old wound, hence you got a repetition of the past thrown over you because of that.

 

When you go into NC, you have to show spine all the way , if you come back on your decision it only makes you look weak, a person who does not stand by what they say = 0.

 

You know , and that's so typical about a control freak, they don't understand that being in a relationship is about being together, but still letting eachother be able to do their own thing.

 

Basically you where suffocating in all of it, and imagine that you indeed hooked up with a dangerous man, by calling,writing you are only making him think about you again, then you have effectivly put yourself into danger by letting him show that you still think about it, giving him the idea that its ' not over ' .

 

And if he ever knocks on that door, you should tell him that a relationship is all about that. It might stir some improvement into his behaviour.

 

Its a typical thing tho, oppressing your will onto others. Your ex didn't grasp the idea of free will, and into what context that places you in the relationship.That its not simply about use and abusing you like an object, but that its about being together,making eachother happy, and having a great time.

 

Too bad he layered his love for you with fear tho. He was so afraid that you would go with another person that he wanted to be in full control over what you did ,which pushed you out of the relationship.

 

So basically that he's cutting his wrists open for you does display that he loves you, but doesn't understand that you don't 'own' a person that you love.

 

And with that you can't own a person who you love, you have to always take in account that that person can pick up their bags and leave.

 

My advice: NC for as long as you live.

 

And don't ask for closure since this case is closed.

[gemini30]

Thank you so much for your feedback. It makes alot of sense and I know that it's closed forever. Your advise is well taken and will be held in my mind for a long time to come. Thank you again.

[Hope75]

He left me alone for a good 2 years...but I started the communication back up. He wouldn't understand that I need the closure, would he? I am worried too, because he also knows I am married now.

 

Hi There,

 

You definitely made a mistake by contacting him for closure. When a person is violent and manipulative, the only way to get closure is from within yourself- because you just set yourself up for more calls by contacting him first.

 

My advice is to get back to where you started and do not respond to any future calls or emails. You are married now and this guy has no place in your life.

 

I was in a physically and sexually abusive relationship for 5 years with a man I was engaged to and lived with. I left him with barely my life in my hands 8 years ago. I've been with a wonderful man whom I live with for 4 years now, and my ex still crosses my mind from time to time, or I'll have a nightmare that I am back there again. That is normal, what you went through will always be a part of you- but that does not mean you should contact him for any type of closure. That comes from within you, when you are ready to let it go.

[gemini30]

Thank you again. He actually called my cell and blocked the number so I answered it, not knowing it was him. I told he we can't talk anymore. Didn't hear from him for 2 weeks until an email this morning. I am fighting the urge to write him back and explain. He told me earlier he didn't have any kids, but now he is saying he does, and will do whatever it takes to keep them safe. I don't know where that is coming from or what it means. I should just leave it and not write back, right? What should I do if he threatens me or keeps contacting me? Any advice would be great...I need some strength right about now.....