Am I too picky? And girls what do you think?

[dizzy21]

So, I just got out of a 3 and 1/2 year relationship and its been about 8 months now. Now I know how there are a million fish in the sea and I shouldn't cry a river and I'm not, but my last girlfriend was just an incredible person. I'm over her, believe me. It was a mutual break up and we're both better off for various reasons. My problem is that I end up comparing other women to her alot (naturally) and I find they tend to not stack up. She was a multilingual girl who grew up all over the place, brilliant, beautiful, incredibly positive, fun, NEVER needy. I liked her alot and it just didn't work out, but I find myself looking for her qualities in other women.

 

I'm in med school now, so I don't have alot of time to get out there and meet people but the last couple dates I've been on haven't really been that great. And its not usually the girl, its me, I find myself not being excited about the people I meet. Sometimes I think I should date just for experience, but on the other hand I wonder why I should settle.

 

Have any of you ever started dating someone that you weren't initially excited about but it turned out to be great? I feel like I need that visceral gut attraction upon talking to someone for 30 minutes, but I just haven't felt that in a while. I know love takes work, but does attraction sometime take work as well?

 

This next part is going to sound arrogant but just wait till the end please.

 

So women what do you think of me:

I'm in shape and work out regularly (and look healthy and am training for a marathon). I've done a ton of traveling on every continent, have a healthy photography hobby (and have had photographs published), speak 3 languages, cook, clean, love kids, will be a doc, am hopelessly romantic (but not co-dependent, I dislike needy people), love my parents, dance salsa, am not disfigured

 

BUT ... and I feel this is a big "but",

 

I don't play any sports. I play sports but I'm just not very good at them. I love being outdoors but I'm just not all that good at team sports. How big of a turnoff is that to women? Do all/most women desire a man who plays football/basketball with his buddies on the weekends? I don't care much for sports but its getting to the point where I may go out and pick one up b/c I sometimes wonder if playing sports is up there with showering daily for women.

 

Wow this was long, thanks for anyone who read all the way through. Gotta sleep for class tomorrow, life grinds on and on, and the girl of my dreams is out there somewhere. Meanwhile I'm stuck inside studying all day.

[honeyspur]

I don't play any sports. I play sports but I'm just not very good at them. I love being outdoors but I'm just not all that good at team sports. How big of a turnoff is that to women? Do all/most women desire a man who plays football/basketball with his buddies on the weekends?

 

Absolutely not! Don't give up - you just need to keep trying.

 

Let me offer you something though. It is possiblt that you're attracted to women who like sports because they posses other qualities that stem from their interest in sports. Maybe a high level of energy - a forwardness that less active women lack. A physical fitness in them or their interest to fit men (you). A love of partying and being social. Being active also does wonders for the mood - so they may be very happy, cheerful.

 

Something to consider - good luck.

[BrokenHeart82]

Ok I can HONESTLY say ive never, ever, ever thought (or heard of a friend feeling this way) "I like that handsome, trilingual, doctor..if only he could dribble better!"

 

As for being too picky...there is definitely something to be said for not settling HOWEVER...look for actual chemistry with someone and not just how they look on paper. Very often the girls or guys who were PERFECT on paper dont work out (you seem to have found this out first hand!)

 

So date, have a good time, and when you find a girl who has attributes you enjoy, give her an honest chance. Maybe she doesnt speak multiple languages but she DOES salsa and is intelligent, funny, etc....

[Batya33]

I have been smitten with men I was not initially smitten with. In one case I met him at least 5 times and exchanged emails and phone calls feeling "nothing" and then "boom" - major chemistry (note, those first 5 times were not dates) - I've also felt initially strong attraction that didn't last past the first few dates. I have the "four date" rule - if by the fourth date I don't want to at least kiss the guy, it's over.

 

I dated one man intensely into two sports and it was "cool" but in reality he spent so much time on those sports - and was a sports fanatic that it was a bit much (that is not why we ended things). My boyfriend now does not play sports but he is a guy's guy pretty much - loves watching certain sports, loves being outdoors, hiking, etc. and it's all good with me. I tend to go for extremely bright academic types and those types usually aren't that focused on playing sports (at least not the ones I've met) - the bright/witty/high level social skills are far far more important than the sports stuff.

[Northalius]

Do all/most women desire a man who plays football/basketball with his buddies on the weekends?

 

Don't worry about that! lol Seriously.

 

It's like asking "Do all girls like oranges?" There're some that will love oranges... but then others that like apples, and others that like bananas, and grapes, etc. Don't ever expect all women to like one type of a man! It's not going to happen. Variety is the spice of life!

 

So again, don't worry about it. And, don't conform yourself to what you assume all women like. That's when you start to lose yourself, and try to mold the clay according to what you think others would like... when really, there're plent of women out there that'd like you for... you!

 

Maybe you're just looking in the wrong places? It's like going to a sportsbar, or a football game, seeing all the women there jumping up and down for the guys playing sports, and thinking "I guess women love sports!"

 

Then you go to an art museum and see more quiet but much more eccentric, sophisticated women, that're just about the total opposite of the sports-loving women.

 

You just have to look in different places to find the type of woman that fits your personality type. Do what you like, and wait to find someone that likes the same exact thing!

[Siriana]

 

BUT ... and I feel this is a big "but",

 

I don't play any sports. I play sports but I'm just not very good at them. I love being outdoors but I'm just not all that good at team sports. How big of a turnoff is that to women? Do all/most women desire a man who plays football/basketball with his buddies on the weekends? I don't care much for sports but its getting to the point where I may go out and pick one up b/c I sometimes wonder if playing sports is up there with showering daily for women.

 

 

This was kinda qute!

A little bit immature but still cute.

A lot of girls prefer a guy who doesn't care about sport (me for example - all my bf's weren't into sport at all as well as my current bf) and the other half likes that.

So i don't think that will ruin your chances of meeting a good girl.

If you do what you enjoy you'll meet people with similar interests, no use in forcing yourself into something you don't like - you'll start meeting people that you don't feel a connection with.

 

Now, I think you liked some parts of your ex gf personality and that you would like your future gf to have them. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Also I think you should keep going out and having fun without trying to find a girl by all means...so just go out without expectations, have fun. You can't force anything. Call it a destiny, a day when you'll meet someone you find great.

[Caterina]

You should be glad...you're going to be so busy that not getting caught up in relationships is probably a good thing. Don't settle. You have a lot to offer on at least the initial attraction level. Like previous posters said, most women that hear "attractive doctor," would at the very least give him a chance.

Besides, 8 months is not that long. Its probably going to be quite some time before you find someone that you are interested in.

[rocio]

Regarding your being too picky - I think you might be limiting yourself greatly if you put your ex on a pedestal and look for another version of her. Personally, I don't see how it's such a big deal to speak different languages, but that's probably because, where I live, basically everyone speaks 2 or 3 languages. I mean, it's usually because of your ethnic backgrounds, where you've lived, or what schools your parents put you it. It doesn't really mean that you are smarter, more interesting, more talented, more fun... Just my opinion. Try looking outside the box. Give some monolingual girls a chance - they just might surprise you.

 

Regarding sports- it's okay if you're not good at certain team sports. But there's nothing sexy about a guy who is lazy or inactive. As long as you integrate fitness into your life somehow, girls won't be turned off. That can include anything from wall-climbing to scuba diving to swimming to hiking to skiing. It doesn't have to involve a ball.

 

I don't buy this idea that girls hear "attractive doctor" and start jumping up and down. Personally, I would never marry a doctor because you can never come first in their life. And also because they develop this "God complex" and tend to think a little too highly of themselves. But hey, to each his own, right?

 

Good luck. I'm sure that soon enough you'll find someone wonderful for you.

[Allie.]

no..i think you're just waiting for the right one.

[dizzy21]

Thanks guys for all the feedback. And Hazy_Amber, trust me, I know women don't start throwing off their clothes once they hear doctor. That's just some old stereotype (otherwise I wouldn't be here posting), and since over 50% of people in med school these days are women the image of physicians is changing. I mean what do we REALLY have to offer? We are busy as hell, stressed out, our divorce and suicide rate is on the high end of all professions, and no matter what the television says we are not as rich as people imagine. If you want rich, people should go after a guy with a successful subway sandwhich/dry cleaning franchise, they make more than us for sure. That being said we'll always be comfortable though.

 

Oh and the multilingual thing is not focused on just the language, but the fact that they have a varied life experience and have lived other places. Traveling is an addiction of mine, so its nice to be able to discuss these things with a date. Hazy Amber, maybe you're European? So its not uncommon where you live to speak 3+, but when only 10% of Americans hold passports it is a definite plus. I once met a girl from Uzbekistan who spoke 10 languages. I wasn't attracted to her so no its not just the multilingual aspect. I was still impressed though.

 

But yea, I think my insecurity comes from being around so many athletes. People who become doctors tend to be competitive so naturally there are alot of athletes in my school. We live in a warped world, so its nice to hear voices from people out there in reality.

 

Yea, my ex used to say things like "Sometimes I wish you were more like ... , or ... " and I think its been branded in my head that thats what women want, but of course her opinion is not everyone's so I probably need to get over that.

[Caterina]

I hope no one thought that I said women jump at a chance to date a doctor. I said that most women would at least give it a chance.

[Lily04]

You sound great, but a bit insecure... I have the EXACT same problem with never thinking any guy is good enough, however. Then my psychiatrist diagnosed me with extreme perfectionism (not really a 'mental illness' so to speak, but it has paralyzed me quite a few times when it came to school) and i decided it must be due to that level of insecurity, mixed with my abilities.......I haven't had a bf in 3 years. I'm goodlooking, intelligent, ambitious, passionate, etc.....and when I do meet a guy, and there's that amazing chemistry/"click" between us, it turns out he's a player, dating multiple girls at the same time, doesn't really respect me, etc. But yet he is very intelligent and charismatic so it sucks.

 

I don't really know what to do either, but I hope it works out for you. I like a guy who's active btw, but not the type of guy who necessarily plays football with his buddies every weekend. As long as he's in good physical shape, because I value physical fitness that's fine. Although intelligence, wit and yet the capacity for empathy, really strike me much more. Along with physical attraction of course.....as much as I've tried to 'settle' with people i wasn't physically attracted to in the past, it didn't quite work. So now it is one of my criteria I suppose.

 

I'd suggest try reaching out to other grad students in your area....join a few grad student clubs or something, maybe that's the right community for you...let me know how it goes.

 

Lily