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A load of crap


_Jaffa_
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I don't know why I'm posting this. Maybe because I'm drunk.Maybe because I feel like telling someone. Maybe I want to hear how pathetic I am. Who knows.....I'll probably delete it once I've sobered up but right now...who gives a ? It's not like any of you know me. It's not like I have to walk past you or look u in the eye tomorrow. So whatever.

 

1. You get called into the living room. Your dad is there. He might be drunk. He might not. On the table there's three items. Usually a cricket bat, a belt and a metal chain. He gives you 10 seconds to choose one. If you don't choose quick enough he uses all three. You pray he's not drunk because it doesn't hurt as much then. But then again you pray that he's completely wasted because then he misses his target and gets tired quicker.

2. Youre lying in bed. Youre trying to sleep but youre scared because your dad isn't home yet and you don't know what time he'll be back. You dont want to risk falling asleep in case he comes back and comes into your room and you arent prepared for it. But then you think if you're half asleep and he comes in and does his thing you won't feel as much so you lie there drifting off and then jerking awake every few minutes until you hear the front door and you can determine just how drunk he is and how much it's gonna hurt.

3. Your mum has been popping tranqulisers all day and you come home from school and she's sprawled out on the kitchen floor, covered in her own vomit, completely out of it and you try and sort her out and take care of her even though secretly youre wishing she'd just die and put herself out of her misery and then when she comes round she slaps you round the face and tells you youre scum.

4. Every single day without fail you get told you're nothing, a piece of ...a toy for their amusement, a mistake, just a nobody.

5. You tell someone once, when you're a couple of years younger. You show them your bruises but you don;t tell them the whole story because you're too ashamed. You don;t tell even tell them half of it but you hope they can see it in your eyes and you pray for them to save you. And at first you think theyve done just that. But the system sucks and you fall through the cracks and your parents just laugh in your face. And you realise that yeah, they're right, this is your destiny and its what you deserve.

6. You first cut yourself when youre 8. In the garden after your dad has just thrown you down the stairs. You bleed on the flowers at the bottom of the garden and you stare at them and for some weirdo reason you think it looks kinda beautiful. So you keep doing it. Then you discover alcohol, and smoking, and drugs and you start using them all to get yourself into that permanant trance like state. And then its like your brain adjusts to it and ta da you dont need that stuff to get your brain up anymore because its done that all by itself...you just use to make yourself completley out of it. Because then.....it doesn't hurt at all. But you're still afraid. And you don't even know what of. Maybe it's yourself.

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God, Jaffa. I guess two things...I'm astounded at the capacity of cruelty one human can display. And likewise, astounded at the sheer strength of the inner will the other human must have to survive such horrific treatment.

 

They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but no one should have to pay such a price to get that kind of strength.

 

I just don't know what to say. I'm angry, I'm upset...and outraged, really.

 

I don't know if you're in the United States. But there are many places here that have shelters for teens under 18 who are being subjected to violence at home. These teens' rights and safety are placed first. But maybe in some podunk little town, that might not be available. Is there a bigger city close by? Somewhat close by? If so, could you look online to research and see if there is such a place?

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Oh Jaffa....I dont know what to say. Your not scum....the ppl who do this to you are scum! Is there any place else you can live other then with your parents? I know you dont want to tell anyone because your scared it will back fire...but you need out of there.

 

What country do you live in?

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Well it is no wonder you are in pain and afraid. I'd feel exactly the same way in that situation.

 

Well guess what - you are NOT scum, you are NOT a piece of garbage, and you are NOT worthless.

 

It must have been hard to tell us this. But I'm glad you did. This is all the stuff you have bottled up inside causing you pain. It needs to come out.

 

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing at all. These are things that are not within your control.

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If you're in the States, I'll start doing some research, too, to find out if there is a safe place. There must be. I am so sorry this is happening to you, but you've got people here who are serious about figuring out a way for you to get away from this.

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hi - i am so sorry that you are going through this. what your parents are doing is NOT ok and I am sorry that these are the set of parents you wound up with. You aren't scum or garbage or anything. you are a wonderful person with a lot of potential. your parents have a lot of problems, deep issues, and they are taking it out on you, which is totally unfair and what they are doing is illegal!

 

I have to agree with scout, I would like to help you find a way out of this house and into somewhere safe. Is there a teach or counselor at school you trust that you can talk to? a safe shelter somewhere? no one deserves to be going through what you are going through. no one deserves to be abused.

 

we are here for you and we want to help!

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Jeff

 

If your in the UK PM me as for

 

I was never hit but this one O this one is all mine.

 

"4. Every single day without fail you get told you're nothing, a piece of ...a toy for their amusement, a mistake, just a nobody"

 

Add "The Freak!" and "odd ball" and "usless" and "nogood" and on and on and on

 

How bad dids your dad drink?

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I can somehow relate to this bud

 

My uncle did such a good job at making me cower at his presense. i remember he hit me with his belt five times if i wasnt wearing my slippers or didn‘t finish the food on my plate, six if i said stop, seven if i cried. so when i cried, i cried silently. What contemporary society calls abuse, he termed as discipline. I was seven, and naïve, and I believed him. I feared committing mistakes. I constantly tried to display good manners and right conduct, even if it killed me. That is what i learned.

 

i was praying hard every night cos whenever he got home drunk, he would yell at us and sometimes physically hurt my aunt for no apparent reason. my dad died when i was four, and my mum worked overseas, so when those things happened, i always wished they were there. i always lived a life of fear. i felt i was abandoned by people who shouldve been there to care for me.

 

im 21 (bday tomorrow), and im moving on. sure i aint feeling the physical harm done to me anymore, but the emotional damage will always be there. MATE YOU ARE NEVER A SCUM. i remember you posted a thread before about you being exactly like yer dad. you are way better than them lot who wounded you. you will remember the pain, the scars will cover you like armour, and you will be stronger than you have ever been. just have faith. in this world, we can never be safe, we can only be strong.

 

scout's right on, this is a good place to vent. always surround yerself with people who will lift you up, i heard somewhere.

 

mate, ima pray for ya.

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Mate, it doesn't matter if they're are people worse off than you. What you're going through is still bad, you need to do something about this. You're seventeen, do you plan on moving out when you reach 18?Go to Uni?

If you won't report it because of the bad experience last time, then at least get away as soon as possible. Never apologise, it's not moaning, it's venting and everyone has to do it now and again.

 

My thoughts are with you, mate

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Give yourself a chance jaffa. Things wont always be like this. You may be trapped at the moment because of your age, but you are not a prisoner.

 

It may not seems like things will change but this time next year things can and will look much much better, but only if you stick around. If you havent got a job, start looking for one and saving for your own place. It will give you goal and something to look forward to.

 

You really do have hope for the future so don't let your thoughts talk you into believing that there is none ok. Death is the only thing that takes that hope away. Don't take away your own hope.

 

Fear is felt in the pit of your stomach, feel it burn? Know deep inside you, amongst the pain and fear there is always a flickering of hope. Find it, it's always, always there and let it give you the strength to go on.

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Hey Jaffa,

 

I'm glad you let this out. And I am glad that so many hands from all over reached out to you. Kinda makes you think for a bit, doesn't it?

 

I think you said that you are in the UK. SpugleyFuglet said he is there- why not PM him?

 

Jaffa, we want to help you- don't apologize for letting that out. It needed to be said. What amazes me about you, is after all that last night, you got up today and went to school. Seems pretty strong to me.

 

Please come back and talk to us.

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