Falling for my first love again(long)

[dinchaknow]

hello,

i'm new here. and i guess to start i should tell u a little about my situation before asking for advice. i recently separated from my husband back in december. we have 2 children together, ages 4 years and 9 months. back when my marriage completely fell apart my first love contacted me after 10 years of not speaking. he gave me this long drawn out apology and i will admit that i took it all wrong, or so i'm thinking i did. a week later we went out to dinner and had coffee. i was still with my husband at this time, but had told him that i would be leaving soon and filing for divorce. the other guy thinks i left my husband for him, and that is not the case. my marriage crumbled long before he came into the picture, but i was doing everything i could to repair it since there were kids involved. back to my night out with my first love, things went to far. we did have sex and fell asleep in the hotel room until 330am and then we parted ways. he didn't speak to me for about a week after that. and when he finally called, he went on about how he told his younger brother what had happened and he called him a home wrecker, etc. i assured him that he couldn't wreck a home that was already wrecked. and we went another week without speaking. then on new yrs eve he called me. we were at separate parties and i was trashed. and since then we talk about every other day or so. but sometimes the conversations get deep. he has made comments to me such as "those two kids you have should have been mine" or "why can't we try to have a child together?" and when i comment on those things he says he turns it around on me like i'm the one wanting to have a child with him. he says that my actions totally confuse him. like 2 weeks ago, he wanted to go out to dinner and i just couldn't get away. he then said he would come over to my place and we'd hang out. and i told him no b/c my kids where there and at this point, i didn't need anything to be seen or heard by anyone who knows my husband b/c that could ruin me when it comes to the divorce. he then wrote me an email stating that he sensed that i haven't left my husband and i was only telling him that so that he'd talk to me. i am well aware that the feelings we have right now are those simply of the past. i mean the first night we talked there was an overwhelming rush of emotions and i felt like i did 10 years earlier. we have discussed that we want to take this slow and see where it goes, but as of recent we're both guilty of going out and ending up becoming intimate.

i don't know how this whole divorce thing is going to turn out, b/c it's something i've never experienced before. it may stay civil or it may turn bitter and i don't want him involved in that. and i've made that clear to him. i don't know what will become of our friendship b/c right now that's all it is, when we talk over the phone and thru emails. but when we're together it's totally different. for example the last time we were together i treated him to starbucks since he had bought me dinner the last time out together. b/c the time before that he was jokingly making comments about $10 for 2 cups of coffee. and the ladt in the drive thru was joking with us about me paying, etc. he then ended up buying me a few things from starbucks, which i offered to pay him back for and he refused to accept it. i know alot of these actions are just petty, but i still sense a strong connection here and don't know what to do with all that i have right now. i don't want to push him away, but i'm afraid if i don't pursue it he'll be gone from my life again and that's not something i want b/c for the longest time i cried many tears for him. any advice on how to take this further with him?

[Heretic]

Hey dinchaknow!

 

First off welcome to eNotalone! You'll find if you space things out into paragraphs it'll help people read your story far easier and you'll get more responses. I'm sorry to hear that you've found your first love only to be completely confused by their feelings. I want you to know you're not alone as I'm going through a similar situation right now. Yours is infinitely more complicated since you have children, but that doesn't mean things can't work out of course

 

What I can tell from the way he's acting is that he likes you like he did 10 years ago. Like you mentioned it's important to build upon that by finding out about each other all over again. So it's best to take it slow. This is going to be very frustrating for the both of you but it needs to be done and you need to finalize that divorce. You also need to give yourself and your children some time before you get into a serious relationship.

 

It's important to stay positive because he'll be able to tell if you believe it's not going to work or that things are going wrong. That said you yourself should be watching to see how serious he is about the relationship.

 

Finally make sure you're getting that divorce for all the right reasons. If you're finding this guy is playing a big part it's not the right idea. If he's merely serving as the catalyst then that's alright.

 

Good luck and I hope this helps.

[robowarrior]

Give him a date when the divorce will take place, you can see on his actions that because his bro has made him doubt, he is now also doubting you. What he needs and is searching for is security. Which so far you where more or less unable to give him, and don't blame yourself for it considering all the horrible things your going thru,hence the fact that you got children that you need to protect.

 

So show him something tangible, bring divorce papers or something of such sort with you and convince him that , on this and that date that willl happen and that you insist on it and that thereforeeee you insist that you want to get in a steady relationship with him, just say what went wrong all these years, and that the ship has collided on the cliffs, you have stranded ,rescued yourself and now want to move on with your life by hopping aboard on the ride that he is offering to give on his ship.