Spying

[andyg]

Hola everybody, Andy here, I'm a first time caller and long time listener. The problem goes as follows.My baby broke the trust and started to lay the ground work to cheat on me early in our relationship and I started snooping, checking her e-mail and phone bills. The e-mail and phone bills from the time period when the problem was going on confirms what I was thinking but since the problem was confronted, she hasn't slipped once in 6 months. She doesn't know that I was spying on her, and now I'm starting to realize that when I stop spying, I start to think the bull crap may start up again. I've had issues with jealousy and paranoi about being cheated on in the past but still, it's a very very bad thing. Do I have a problem? Did I make a mistake giving her a second chance? Should I end things now? or is there another option?

[chai714]

Andy,

 

I'm not sure you ever trusted her. Snooping at the beginning of the relationship (without any cause for suspicion) means you have some sort of trust issues to work out with yourself. However, if she gave you reason not to trust her and then you investigated yourself then I think it's perfectly okay.

 

How are you giving her a second chance? If she never cheated (but strayed) then you should have ended it then. Have some self-respect and never, ever let anyone think they can take advantage of you without consequences. In a big way, you trained her brain to think that her past behavior was acceptable. Unless you showed disapproval, she'll continue to push you to your limits until you draw the line.

[Momene]

It would be a dealbreaker for me too.

[GQstatus]

I went through a similar thing in the first month or two of my relationship. We had eachother pw's for myspace. Neither one of us really spied on eachother. Then out of boredom one day, I signed onto her name...(she had signed onto mine earlier). And found a message she left an ex (whom she said she no longer talked to), something about them hanging out. I was going to keep it to myself, but figured "She knows I have her pw, how stupid can she be". I confronted her about it, we got into a little argument. Her saying she has no feelings for him, and was just responding to him, and it wouldn't happen again.

 

A month later she changed her pw, and I changed mine. My detective instincts kicked in, I GUESSED her new pw LOL. And have had it ever since, she still doesn't know I have it. I continued checking her messages for another 4-5 months. Didn't find anything, so I quit looking. I haven't looked or have the need to for the past 6+ months.

 

If you keep on assuming she's messing around, you're only going to screw yourself. And cause further problems in your guys's future. If you don't trust her now, you probably wont ever trust her. Either force yourself to stop spying, or leave her and find someone else. Good luck.

[andyg]

No, she gave me reason, I caught her in a lie before I started snooping. After that, we talked it out, I explained to her that if anything like that happened again, we wouldn't talk about it it would just be over. She has been consistant ever since and I'm still having trust issues. The second chance was after I cought her in the lie. Now that I've given her a second chance, I feel obligated to stand by that. I do want this to work.

[andyg]

Thanks GQ, that was exactly what I was looking for. Someone who's been in and can understand the situation.

[valiantv]

Hola Andy,

 

Have you forgiven her or not? Time to make your mind up.

 

I haven't been in the situation, but I'd recommend you stop spying! I've always been a firm believer that everyone is entitled to a second chance (though not necessarily a third chance), so I don't think you made a mistake by doing that - esp. since you say you want it to work.

 

I'm also a believer that 2 wrongs don't make a right.

 

You haven't started giving her that second chance yet, if you're still spying on her! And if she finds out you've been spying, be happy if she gives *you* a second chance! You complain about her honesty while at the same time sneaking around and snooping... I reckon that makes you two even. If I were you I'd stop snooping and never mention it again.

 

If you really can't find it in yourself to get over your paranoia, especially after 6 months, then you should move on...