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There is no hope for the ugly, shy guy


Kevin T

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I never said looks alone will get you wherever you need to go, but it's just one step in the right direction; fix yourself up, good. A lot of people do not try this, so I'm not erroneous, since that post was for those that needed it, wherever they are.

 

You say you're shy? I used to be shy, also. You're acting like that's all you're ever going to be; of course you think that, since that's all you've seen so far! I used to think the same thing. Ever hear people say "It was so painful it felt like it'd never end" ? Or that even "the pain was only for a minute, but it felt like eternity" ?

 

But, did you know people, you, can change... if you really want to? I'm living proof a shy person can be not shy anymore.

 

First, you need to start respecting and loving yourself. Sounds selfish? Well, even the Lord says "Love thy neighbor as thyself."

 

And being sensitive is not a negative, but actually a positive. I'm a sensitive person, myself; so much so, that most guys'd think I'm "gay" if they saw me cry watching certain movies, or listening to some emotional songs. I cried watching When Harry met Sally (when they hugged while she was crying close to the end of the movie)! Many women hate pig-headed men that're full of themselves; that're too full of pride to cry when it's a good time to cry.

 

I think you just need to look in other areas for a woman.

 

Your woe-is-me attitude will only seal your own doom in the 'finding a woman' department. The more content you are with yourself, the more attractive you'll be to others.

 

You say you're a Christian. How close of a relationship do you have with the Lord?

 

Paul said "I've learned to live with a little, and I've learned to live with a lot..." Being content in all things.

 

I know, it's hard to try and be content, but sometimes you just have to, or you'll go insane if you don't get what you want all the time. Am I saying "Stop looking for a woman" ? Certainly not! But, just be content with living by yourself while you are looking. Because, one day you might find a woman, but if the day ever comes that you're not with her anymore (for whatever reason), it'll break you 2-3 times more than what you feel right now.

 

So, I'd say right now, pay attention to yourself, and your own well-being. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST! If you can't love yourself, then you're not going to love anyone else the way they should be loved.

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All right, I'm going to post my photos and I'll let you (and the others) be the judge of my looks and if I do or do not take care of myself.

 

I was EXTREMELY shy as a child, then I grew up and mostly out of it. Even with teh ladies. lol But... after a painful break-up with a "certain" somebody, I became very unsure of myself and weary of women. I must still be cautious and leery of girls, since I'm so shy with the beautiful ones, even now.

 

I used to be very tight with God, but over the last couple years... my faith has been badly beaten and suffered a lot of loss. I still have faith, but I have come to realize that what I'm going through currently is a SPIRITUAL battle, not a physical or mental one. Meaning, even if I had perfect looks (whatever that means), wasn't shy at all... it would not matter, because it goes deeper than that. Thankfully, I know how to counteract the problem. But enough about this... I'll spare the details since much of the board here is not christian, so they would not understand what I'm talking about.

 

Moving on...

 

I've been there, actually. Met someone I loved and thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. Guess what? Didn't work out. At all. I got broken into a million tiny shards, but somehow I managed to put myself back together, as much as possible, anyway. So I know all too well what it's like to love someone and lose her for good. But, life goes on... does it not? Sadly, it's like a defining moment for me, in my life. There's no greater rejection than when someone who claims to "love" you decides they no longer want you.

 

And love for oneself is important. We're supposed to "love your neighbour as yourself." Without self-love, that would be impossible to fulfill. You're quite right about that.

 

In a bit, I'll post a link to some pics.

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Kevin, you seemed determined to shoot down everyone's advice for how to gain self-esteem about your image and how to meet women. I understand your bitterness, but you have to understand that these people are offering you genuine tips on how to be happier, many of which are extremely good. If you came here looking to justify to yourself why you are unhappy then we won't be able to help you. But if you came looking for advice then this forum may be of more use.

 

Ultimately, when you are presented with a bad situation in life you only have 3 choices:

 

1) Try to improve the situation

2) Accept the situation as it is and be content

3) Wish the situation were different without doing anything, become jealous of people that are not in the bad situation, spend your life miserable and bitter

 

So, let's apply this to your supposed problem with being attractive.

 

3 is unacceptable for obvious reasons, unless you want to be unhappy (which some people do). My guess is you probably would not wish to do #2 as you would call it "settling" or something of that nature. That leaves #1.

 

How does one go about improving one's appearance? There are a number of ways, my personal favorite is exercise. Exercise not only improves your appearance , but it also helps you sleep better at night, increases your metabolism, aids in the release of chemicals that can help fight depression, and leads to longer life. Even if you are already skinny, exercise would be a great idea (help build body mass) and would also help you fight depression. If you don't work out regularly already I strongly suggest that you start.

 

The next thing you need to work on is your attitude. As everyone here has pointed out multiple times, this is your real problem, not your appearance. Gaining self-confidence is a difficult process, but it is something that is going to have to happen. Self-confidence means taking pride in your work and the things that you do, feeling that you have high value as a person.

 

Surround yourself with positive people. Spend time with friends and family that make you feel better about yourself and life in general. You know who these people are- the ones that have a sense of peace and calm, the ones that make you happy when you are with them. Part of the self-confidence process means being told repeatedly that you are a great person. You won't believe it at first, but hopefully after a thousand or so times it will start to sink it. There are people in your life that believe in you, you need to start believing them when they say such things. Shun people that make you feel worthless about yourself or tell you that you will never amount to anything.

 

Yes, the dating process is frustrating, and it is discouraging to reach a point in life without having dated- believe me I understand... but you really have to hold out hope that things will improve, and in the meantime work on yourself, your inner and outer beauty. You do have to some extent WANT things to improve though, and this means you can't sit down and bewail your misfortune and envy people who would supposedly have it easier than you do.

 

Feeling insecure about my appearance, holds me back from taking risks and bothering with women (least, the ones I'd fancy).
Do you see how you've painted yourself into a corner here? By your definition, any woman that would be intereted in you must be a pathetic loser and thereforeeee uninteresting to you. Conversely, any woman that you would be interested in wouldn't possibly be interested in you since you are ugly (or think you are).

 

What's more likely is that once you realize a woman is interested in you you suddenly become uninterested because you assume they must be a loser or ugly (although, ironically, you want women to overlook your supposed ugliness when they want to date YOU). Of course you are going to fail if you want to only date women that aren't attracted to you. Wanting to date someone that likes you back is not "settling."

 

Tried church... met no one after years. Besides, using church (in effect , God) to meet women is callous, contemptible and... just downright despicable. I can't think of something more awful. You go to church because you love God, not because you're trying to pick up chicks. Though you are right in that I need to get my butt back over to church. I miss going, to be frank.

I strongly suggest going back to church. We're not suggesting that you think of it as a bar where you go to pick up chicks, but going to church is good for the soul and for a sense of community. Churches are (generally) filled with good and positive people, and it would be good for you to be around them. And if you are a Christian there are Biblical writings that more or less require you to go to church.

 

I would beg to differ on one point: Being christian certainly hinders one from finding a suitable mate. It may not totally destroy one's chances, but it does not help. It only makes one more picky.
Well, having spent 4 dateless years at a Christian college where people persecuted me because I was agnostic, I can tell you that's hogwash. It only depends on how picky you are- I had a roommate who would only date Lutheran girls- specifically LCMS (he wouldn't date ECLA Lutherans!!) But that's just plain ridiculous. Interestingly, he still did find girls to date, and as a gay person I can testify that he certainly didn't have anything going for him in the looks department.

 

I can knock online dating. Tried it; went abysmally. So I'll bash something I have no use for and that I don't believe in, all I like, thanks. lol
I understand that you would be skeptical of internet dating, but it does work sometimes. I ended up meeting my boyfriend online, after years of depression. You don't have anything to lose by trying, at least give it shot. If it doesn't work you won't be any worse off.
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(I read the entire thread because I was you 10 years ago)

 

Hey KevinT,

 

If we're talking about ugly people, well I have it worse than most. I actually have a physical deformity. Six of the seven vertebrae in my neck are fused on the right side, so I have a very short neck with limited mobility and my head is constanly cocked to the right. Little kids ask me what happened to my neck, teenagers laugh behind my back and mock me by walking behind me scrunching up their shoulders. So, I'll tell you, it's hard for me.

 

So, I agree with all your points: it is harder for ugly people, it is harder for shy people, it is most definitely harder for sensitive people, and almost impossible for unassertive people.

 

All that is true and I accepted them all myself and lived the last 14 years alone. But since I was a complete and total hermit, I didn't feel alone. Actually, to tell you the truth, I felt happier then, when I wasn't trying at all, than I do know when I'm trying with all my might. So, the question is, why in the world would I do something to make myself miserable?

 

Because I want to experience my life and not just live it.

 

That is what you give up when you stop trying. Now, when I look back on my life I have no stories to tell because I've been alone for so long. That hurts more than the misery I feel with all my rejections. I've asked out 3 girls that I know and know me, all declined (hell, one didn't even call me back) I've started online dating and I've emailed about 15 girls, one emailed me back to say she was currently pursuing someone else. (I actually emailed her again recently because I saw that she was still on the site and I had an extra ticket to a very popular event tomorrow and wanted to see if she was interested, she declined because she said her weekend was already overbooked) I asked a girl from my church singles group, but she was actually seeing the same event tonight already. The friends that I'm going with, a couple, knew a single girl in their complex that wanted to go, so I'm going now, let's hope for the best.

 

Is all that very depressing? Is it incredibly difficult for me to handle(being that I've always been a very sensitive person)? Do I want to just stop trying? To all those I answer "yes". But the one question that outweighs them all is: Do I want to continue not having a life? And I have a very emphatic NO!!

 

So, I'll continue trying for as long as it takes: not because I feel I'll get anywhere but because I feel that it's more important to try. Even if I get painfully rejected by a girl it'll at least be a great story to share with my friends.

 

I'm not saying you should change, but I just want you to know that the road your going down is the road that I went down myself. And, if I had the ability to go back 14 years and relive them, I'd be putting myself out there constantly.

 

Is it painful? Hell yes. Is it worth it? I think it will be. Will I feel bad if it's not? No, because at least I'll have lived.

 

Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead!!

 

Andrew

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I feel so out of place and unwanted in the dating scene, sort of like those Geico cavemen.

 

I made a thread about this, Why being shy and unattractive sucks" and I made it because, lo and behold, being shy and unattractive sucks. I've seen shy cute guys get invited into conversations, while us quiet cavemen are left to browse some site like enotalone.com and make a thread asking how can we talk to such and such.

 

I do believe it is how you present yourself. But I'll be damned, I've changed my appearance more than the entire Decepticon army and still, no women. I have that sense of humor they rave about. I've been called sweet. But as luck would have it, I'm surrounded by hunks galore. Who wants to finish in last place with an butt face? No girl I know.

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Oh, I understand. And I'm grateful that anyone would take time out of their busy day to respond. I truly am. I may not agree with them, but I do appreciate the concern.

 

As I pointed out, exercise is a reality for me. I don't need something that improves my metabolism... I need to opposite! lol I can't gain weight if I tried (which I have!) I work out almost every day (certainly every other day), in fact. I like having muscle. When you're thin, it shows with such little effort, which is nice.

 

I believe I have value intrinsically, but for some reason, my opinion of myself takes a backseat to what others (especially women) think of me. I agree with the positive people aspect, good point. I wouldn't go as far to say anyone who likes me is a loser (they just tend not to be my type, that's all). No, dating someone who likes me back isn't settling. I agree. But it seems all the women that like me, I don't like. I can only assume (foolish, I know) that the ones I like do not like me. If they did, then THEY would be the ones approaching me, not the others. (I know, I'm a guy; thereforeeee, I must be the initiator, blah, blah, blah... got it. Heard it all before.)

 

 

I plan on heading back to church, although I don't think a christian is at all REQUIRED to attend. One passage in Hebrews fails to convince me of such, but that is a debate for another time and place. We'll hold off on the theological discourse for later. lol I simply meant it's harder for a christian since we don't drink, use drugs and want someone else who believes in God. Obviously, an athiest would not be a good match for someone like me.

 

As I said, already tried net dating. Didn't work, so I'm off it. My buddy met his wife off the net, so surely good can come of it. But I don't want to resort to it. I don't honestly think I should have to, when there's hundreds of attractive women around me every day. Seems kind of stupid, if you ask me.

 

 

 

 

Wow... I'm speechless.

 

I don't know how to respond to that. If no one else said anything in this topic, that post would be enough to convince me to hang in there.

 

I guess it's because I'm an emotional person (not an intellectual), but the idea of the underdog fighting and never giving up is admirable.

 

It shows how cowardly I was for trying to run away, and take the easy way out, of just "giving up."

 

And I don't have any physical deformities. I am quite skinny, so that could be seen as some kind of deformity, but it's not an actual handicap, nor should it be, so I'm complaining over something that is minor, compared to your situation.

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I feel so out of place and unwanted in the dating scene, sort of like those Geico cavemen.

 

I made a thread about this, Why being shy and unattractive sucks" and I made it because, lo and behold, being shy and unattractive sucks. I've seen shy cute guys get invited into conversations, while us quiet cavemen are left to browse some site like enotalone.com and make a thread asking how can we talk to such and such.

 

I do believe it is how you present yourself. But I'll be damned, I've changed my appearance more than the entire Decepticon army and still, no women. I have that sense of humor they rave about. I've been called sweet. But as luck would have it, I'm surrounded by hunks galore. Who wants to finish in last place with an butt face? No girl I know.

 

Hmm, I wish I knew what to say, Kyo... I don't. Sorry.

 

I didn't post this to make others feel badly; as I said, I wish it were only me with this problem. Sadly, it's not.

 

I want to believe things will get better for you. I really do.

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you guys are so silly. You knoww...looks is not what matters the most for some girls out there...actually for a whole lot of them. I can say from experience that, it is really hard to believe one is beautiful but what makes a person realize that they are is their own self-esteem. No matter how many people say that you are good-looking..etc...doesn't matter, what matters is how you feel about yourself. Trust me, hahaha, i'm the pro. at this thing. Having to grow up with a sister who was 2 yrs. older than me and always the gorgeous one in the family...was crazy but afterwards, I realized that yes, she is indeed gorgeous but I'm not so bad myself...its really BAD to compare yourself to the world's ideal of beautiful. I have tried really hard to stop doing that and you should too. Stop comparing yourself to other ppl. Beauty is literally an opinion. Styles have changed from the more healthy ppl being beautiful [being a sign of health and money] to the anorexic girls. STYLE is a faux.

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you guys are so silly. You knoww...looks is not what matters the most for some girls out there...actually for a whole lot of them.

I have a hard time believe this too because if it were so, threads like these wouldn't be thought of and so many guys would have confidence in their other qualities instead of the outer shell. Same for the gals, too.

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Ugh.

 

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I will probably live to regret thus, but oh well, whatever. I can get rid of it at any time. Took these on my cell a couple days ago.

 

Anyhow, ladies... be brutually honest with me here. You can be polite and tactful without be rude, yet still be perfectly honest. Please don't worry about sparing my feelings. I can take it and I promise not to argue back (no matter what you say! lol)

 

I would much rather have the harsh truth, than a comforting lie. I won't dispute anything anyone says; I just want to know what people think - especially the ladies. (Well, part of me wants to know and part of me doesn't!) Guys, you're welcome to make as many comments as you like too, I am not averse.

 

I feel sick...

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hmmm...i don't know..i mean, EVERYONE has insecurities about themselves...the more attractive ppl tend to have EVEN more insecurities...for example...supermodels...they KNOW they are pretty but they have to maintain that...and thats a pain in the a-double-star...insecurities are ALWAYS there...whether pretty or unattractive...the journey of getting over them...is the same though.

 

ps. HEYY DAkO! i'm glad to be back! missssed ya and muh peeps!

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Ugh.

 

link removed

 

I will probably live to regret thus, but oh well, whatever. I can get rid of it at any time. Took these on my cell a couple days ago.

 

Anyhow, ladies... be brutually honest with me here. You can be polite and tactful without be rude, yet still be perfectly honest. Please don't worry about sparing my feelings. I can take it and I promise not to argue back (no matter what you say! lol)

 

I would much rather have the harsh truth, than a comforting lie. I won't dispute anything anyone says; I just want to know what people think - especially the ladies. (Well, part of me wants to know and part of me doesn't!) Guys, you're welcome to make as many comments as you like too, I am not averse.

 

I feel sick...

HA! It's great for you to know that I am the uglier of the two. By a mile. Heck, by a planet. You are a handsome dude.

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Kevin, I think I know something you don't: You're technically BLIND! You're NOT ugly! My goodness.

 

Dude, I'm sorry, but seeing your picture, all the more proves what everyone here has said: It's your attitude, not your looks!

 

Wow... just, wow. I'm almost shocked here... literally.

 

Like I said, we can be our own worst enemy; and this is true, your mind can pick out things you think're so bad, and harp on them all day long... never realizing the great things instead.

 

Kevin, seriously, go back to that counselor... you need to work on your mind, not your physical.

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Now I really want to beat you up soooo bad.

Here we have a thread of 14 pages about ugly guys made by a guy who's not ugly!

 

There is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're normal guy.

Your shyness and being insecure about your looks is killing you probably, it has nothing to do with your looks.

 

And btw I've red many of your posts and you're also a smart guy.

So I think girls wouldn't mind dating you at all. The only thing you need is say Hi to them.

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I find this an interesting topic, because I can relate to Kevin T in a lot of ways.

 

Anyone who's read the bulk of my posts will know that my luck with the female gender has been pretty poor and it does get me down a lot.

 

I don't think I'm ugly, quite the opposite. I used to be rather tubby but I've been working out a lot and have been working it off rather well. I also like to think I'm intelligent and not boring.

 

But I am VERY shy and often lack confidence in social situations. This is something I've not quite being able to combat. Even though I can see the logic for not being this way I still am. I guess I also don't seem to find many opportunities to meet people in a social situation.

 

I do still believe that one day I'll meet the right girl. Like a lot of things in life I live with the belief that things will get better.. eventually.

 

I admit I whine and moan a lot, though usually only internally or to people who I know will listen to me rather than just be like "stop moaning you moaner!" But at the same time if there's something I'm not happy with I'll try to improve it. My weight being a major example.

 

So what's my point? I don't know! But I've once again had a situation where things didn't work out for no good reason and once again I'm starting to ask what's going on and why things keep messing up like this. But I'm not about to give up.

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Now I really want to beat you up soooo bad.

Here we have a thread of 14 pages about ugly guys made by a guy who's not ugly!

 

Too funny!!! that's exactly how I felt when I saw his pics, syrix!!!!!

 

told ya you weren't ugly, Kevin. glad to see that others agree.

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hahaha, wow this is actually kind of funny.

 

You can use every excuse in the book. Mine would be "Im shy and I'm not tall (5'5") but why should I? I could say that you're taller than me and would have a better shot. But that's completely false.

 

There are cavemen who date gorgeous women, and this isn't because of their good looks...once again, it's how you make a woman feel. Happiness and humor is contagious! My uncle isn't a very attractive person, but just listening to his humor makes me admire him and want to hang out with him more. See what I'm getting at? Confidence and humor are intoxicating. Just stop worrying about what the ends are going to be and just be yourself, with some added confidence and humor.

 

Women are hit on by guys all the time. There's a reason 99% of men are rejected by women. They're all the same and they're all predictable. Keep a woman on her toes, keep her guessing, she'll want to be around you because you don't give in to her.

My friend is happily in a relationship and he comes off as witty and confident towards women. This attracts them to him even though he doesnt want it to. And when he denies a woman something, they want him even MORE because they are so used to getting their asses kissed by guys. There's nothing a girl likes more in confidence, humor, mystery and challenge!

 

Prove me wrong, girls

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I didn't even read the replies till just now. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I still feel nauseous. Oh well...

 

But the number of guys who responded is a bit odd. Anyway...

 

HA! It's great for you to know that I am the uglier of the two. By a mile. Heck, by a planet. You are a handsome dude.

 

Kyo, enough.

 

PM me a pic. I highly doubt you're ugly by a long shot. Prove me wrong.

 

I honestly believe you've got me beat (well, that says nothing), but I honestly do believe you could get far with women.

 

Is my faith in you THAT misplaced?

Kevin, I think I know something you don't: You're technically BLIND! You're NOT ugly! My goodness.

 

Dude, I'm sorry, but seeing your picture, all the more proves what everyone here has said: It's your attitude, not your looks!

 

Wow... just, wow. I'm almost shocked here... literally.

 

Like I said, we can be our own worst enemy; and this is true, your mind can pick out things you think're so bad, and harp on them all day long... never realizing the great things instead.

 

Kevin, seriously, go back to that counselor... you need to work on your mind, not your physical.

 

Counselor told me to date women I'm not attracted to. She's history.

 

 

 

I find this an interesting topic, because I can relate to Kevin T in a lot of ways.

 

Anyone who's read the bulk of my posts will know that my luck with the female gender has been pretty poor and it does get me down a lot.

 

I don't think I'm ugly, quite the opposite. I used to be rather tubby but I've been working out a lot and have been working it off rather well. I also like to think I'm intelligent and not boring.

 

But I am VERY shy and often lack confidence in social situations. This is something I've not quite being able to combat. Even though I can see the logic for not being this way I still am. I guess I also don't seem to find many opportunities to meet people in a social situation.

 

I do still believe that one day I'll meet the right girl. Like a lot of things in life I live with the belief that things will get better.. eventually.

 

I admit I whine and moan a lot, though usually only internally or to people who I know will listen to me rather than just be like "stop moaning you moaner!" But at the same time if there's something I'm not happy with I'll try to improve it. My weight being a major example.

 

So what's my point? I don't know! But I've once again had a situation where things didn't work out for no good reason and once again I'm starting to ask what's going on and why things keep messing up like this. But I'm not about to give up.

 

I admire your optimism. You keep your hope, even in the face of great adversity. That's to be commended. I think believing things will work out, for you, will cause them to do so eventually.

 

You said something about your weight being a problem. Why is that? Too light or too heavy? If it's due to being too heavy, have you taken any steps to correct the problem? Or even in the other case, have you taken any steps to reverse the situation?

 

If so, keep at it. Even if not for others, but for yourself. Being healthy is attractive (so they say), so it would help you both inside AND out!

 

Best of luck, friend.

 

hahaha, wow this is actually kind of funny.

 

You can use every excuse in the book. Mine would be "Im shy and I'm not tall (5'5") but why should I? I could say that you're taller than me and would have a better shot. But that's completely false.

 

Why yes, that would be completely false. Not necessarily for the reasons you listed though.

 

I wouldn't call it an excuse. Just how I see things. I cringe at the sight of those hideous pictures. Honestly.

 

But you know what? I wasn't wrong. Not entirely. Most of the replies I got were from MEN. I don't care what men think of me. Silence is never good. So silence on women's part can only be interrupted badly.

 

 

Either way, I can accept being unattractive. Maybe ugly is not a good word to use. But it's okay.

 

As I said elsewhere, if I found ONE woman who could stand the sight of me and enjoyed being with me, then that would be enough. If she were what I was looking for, that's all that matters. I could stand being ugly... errh, unattractive in the sight of others, as long as 'she' thought I was handsome. That's all that matters to me.

 

After all, once I'm married, I won't be chasing after other women, so having one woman alone think I'm the best thing since sliced bread is enough for me.

 

Besides, even being unattractive, it's by no means impossible to meet "Miss Right." I have faith I will meet her.

 

That, in and of itself, is enough.

With faith, all things are possible.

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