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There is no hope for the ugly, shy guy


Kevin T
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Did you know that? It's true.

 

For the guy who is unattractive, he has little chance of finding a mate who would make him happy.

 

And for the guy who has no social skills, is shy, sensitive and unassertive, once again; there lies little hope of him finding anyone because he is too sensitive and shy.

 

But when you combine the two, you get an impossible situation. But the two are rarely mutally exlusive. After all, how many good looking people are usually overtly shy? Not too many. (I know of a few exceptions... well, one, actually. lol I met ONE good looking girl in my life who claimed she was really shy. I was taken aback by her revelation.) Anyhow, it's usually due to less than "stellar" looks that one is shy in the first place; not always though, there are some occasional exceptions to the rule, but they are not the norm.

 

And if you factor in one more detriment to oneself (like we need to!), throw in a person who is a christian, and they will actually find themself in the negative numbers now, for chances of finding anyone. Why is this so? Well, christians tend not to drink or use drugs (though there are exceptions, again), they don't usually go to bars and they don't like casual, meaningless sex. So, the guy who espouses such faith will only find himself at an even greater disadvantage in an already impossible situation because he does not visit places to meet single, available women, and even were he to happen upon one, he would have no chance of keeping her interest since he's "boring."

 

Ah, but what of online dating? someone just said. There are several problems with that idea. For one, profiles without pictures rarely are contacted. Another problem is, most sites have far more men than women on them. Also, in the event the male actually finds a match and all goes well, then there is the difficult matter of having to deal with a long-distance relationship. In the face of all of those obstacles, one need little reason to divorce the notion of online dating. Moreover, the male may simply not agree with the concept in the first place.

 

I don't mean to rain on anyone's parade. The guy who is shy but attractive can rely on his looks to get women, since in this day and age, it's completely the norm for women to approach the man. And the guy who is unattractive, but has been working on his social skills may eventually be able to compensate for his looks with humour, charm and wit. Chances are, rejection is something he is used to and it just "doesn't bother" him. In sum, he's not sensitive (at least, overtly... and let's all thank God for that!) He's thick-skinned, and nothing gets to him. For these two separate individuals... there is hope.

 

For the ugly, shy, sensitive guy, however, he is a dinosaur, awaiting extinction. Survival of the fittest, indeed...

 

Who knows? Maybe the evolutionists were right all along.

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There are three types of people in this world. I learned this a long, long time ago. Those that do not learn from their mistakes; fools. Those that learn from their mistakes; smart. Finally, those that learn from others mistakes; wise.

 

There is no such thing as an "ugly person". That word doesn't exist in my vocabulary of words and shall never exist forever more. I made those mistakes a long, long time ago.

 

I was once a fool, shy, timid, even unattractive. Then I had a revelation, why do I treat myself like this? Will I focus on how other people see me control my life? I watched others go through their life with happy memories. Depressed as I was I had let those small things crawl under my skin.

 

Embedded in me was the key I had been searching for, that is, to be who I had always wanted to be, myself. In my search for that freedom I grew confident, learned to play guitar, doing the things I loved and had always wanted to do.

 

Music, fun, confidence, happyiness, anything I needed to do. Eventually my fear subsided, It's not that you're "ugly", it's that you make it that way. Prepare to live a quiet life with an attitude like that.

 

Talk to you in another life brother.

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I am doomed!

 

ugly - check

shy - check

christian - check

boring - check

 

Perhaps this is why you will remain single. Your attitude is what is ugly, not you on the outside. I would not date someone who punctuates what he/she believes he/she inherently lacks. Every human being on the planet looks and acts and thinks different, so each must find a way to show their unique qualities. You will never run in parallel with someone else. Exaggerating your shortcomings is kind of a waste if you ask me.

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I must tell you that your social skills are wonderful, you're here aren't you? You can fluidly string thoughts together and we all know what you are saying and feeling. I doubt seriously that you are ugly and the fact that you are sensitive is not a mark against you its one for you! Bars are not the place for you and if you were to do a website I would have a close "friend-girl" help you navigate it....be kind to yourself, it is obvious in your post that you have many talents...go show em off!

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Perhaps this is why you will remain single. Your attitude is what is ugly, not you on the outside. I would not date someone who punctuates what he/she believes he/she inherently lacks. Every human being on the planet looks and acts and thinks different, so each must find a way to show their unique qualities. You will never run in parallel with someone else. Exaggerating your shortcomings is kind of a waste if you ask me.

 

Easyguy you're way wise beyond your 20 years.

 

hosswhispra

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Kevin,

I quit thinking I was ugly just recently.

At 53, I learned I was just an regular guy after about 40 years assuming my family's opinion of my ugliness was true. I look back at old photos of my (Very Christian) ex and I as newlyweds and see two beautiful people entering a long life together. I'd give my left nut to go back and know what I know now about so may things. Seriously!

She became critical of my looks, and I never really had a reason to disagree, since she was my world as far as some things mattered.

 

It would be a shame if you couldn't accept that your self-image is distorted. Plenty of women here have seen your thin, handsome self and told you they find you attractive.

 

You have some ideas that hurt you. Try new ones.

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I am doomed!

 

ugly - check

shy - check

christian - check

boring - check

 

Are you serious?!

 

Great, another dinosaur awaiting extinction!

 

(Sorry, I guess the christian part threw me off, with you. No disrespect intended, of course.)

 

I am a living witness that personality really does matter more than looks. A person can look like Brad Pitt, but if he's rude, or just plain obnoxious....he wont last long with the ladies. A man who is confident and smiling and happy can draw more women than honey can bees.

 

Oh, the confidence spiel! I knew I left something out of my earlier discourse! Of course...

 

Being confident will not work by itself. A man who struts around like he's * * * * (male rooster, sheesh! THAT is censored? I meant nothing rude by it!!! Ugh.) of the walk, when he is a goblin, has no reason to do so. And most women will see RIGHT through his farce. Women are not stupid; they can stop a cocky, blowhard a mile away. And if he's got "nuttin" to be struttin' about, then they will be all too-glad to turn him away at the door.

 

Confidence is a moot point, really. It comes from pride in oneself. But the ugly guy has no REASON to feel pride in his appearance. He can masquerade himself as the epitome of Joe Cool, but that doesn't necessarily make it true. And the shy guy... he isn't going to be confident. Or, if he is, it won’t last when the first girl he asks out turns him down (which, inevitably, she will), then his "confidence" will be shattered, sending him back to the sad, little pile of goo in the corner he originally was! Only if the shy guy is not sensitive (and maybe good looking to boot) would he have any hope of the girl actually saying yes to his pleas. Unfortunately, as fate would have it (or whomever) shyness and sensitivity tend to be highly correlated. Go figure, huh?

 

Since I mentioned Christianity, and evolution (its distant cousin lol), I can’t resist using a verse in the bible I think really applies to my point:

 

“For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.”

-Galatians 6:4

 

There are three types of people in this world. I learned this a long, long time ago. Those that do not learn from their mistakes; fools. Those that learn from their mistakes; smart. Finally, those that learn from others mistakes; wise.

 

There is no such thing as an "ugly person". That word doesn't exist in my vocabulary of words and shall never exist forever more. I made those mistakes a long, long time ago.

 

I was once a fool, shy, timid, even unattractive. Then I had a revelation, why do I treat myself like this? Will I focus on how other people see me control my life? I watched others go through their life with happy memories. Depressed as I was I had let those small things crawl under my skin.

 

Embedded in me was the key I had been searching for, that is, to be who I had always wanted to be, myself. In my search for that freedom I grew confident, learned to play guitar, doing the things I loved and had always wanted to do.

 

Music, fun, confidence, happyiness, anything I needed to do. Eventually my fear subsided, It's not that you're "ugly", it's that you make it that way. Prepare to live a quiet life with an attitude like that.

 

Talk to you in another life brother.

 

That's awesome that you can be so non-judgmental in terms of looks. Unfortunately, the world does not see things that way. The world can, does and will judge you solely based on how you look. Heck, there's not a person alive who doesn't do so, to some extent, whether they wish to own up to it or not. (But what is the point in denying it; there's no shame in being human, is there?)

 

It's great you found something enjoyable to pass the time. That's admirable. But it has little to do with finding a mate, which is the subject at hand.

 

Believe me, I hate more than anyone to classify people as "ugly/unattractive", or what-have-you, but we have to see things from the eyes of others. Not everyone is able to cloud the truth from their eyes and live in illusion. But for those who can, it's definitely not a bad thing! If more people could do that, we would live in a happier world.

 

Perhaps this is why you will remain single. Your attitude is what is ugly, not you on the outside. I would not date someone who punctuates what he/she believes he/she inherently lacks. Every human being on the planet looks and acts and thinks different, so each must find a way to show their unique qualities. You will never run in parallel with someone else. Exaggerating your shortcomings is kind of a waste if you ask me.

 

*sigh*

 

Nonsense.

 

Attitude doesn't determine whether females (or males) find someone to be physically attractive or not. If it did, then gender would become obsolete and men and women would date the same sex regardless of sexuality. But that doesn't happen. Because attitude alone isn’t the sole determinant in our attraction to other people. Looks are very important, whether we want to pretend they are or not.

 

An ugly attitude can only be seen upon getting to know someone. The man who is physically undesirable is at a CLEAR disadvantage to the attractive, studly guy. To deny that is to deny everything that makes a human what it is. The unattractive guy isn’t even going to get a chance to show case his good (or bad) attitude, and even in the unlikely event that he does, the shy, ugly guy will never get to that stage. He has, in essense, no chance.

 

I must tell you that your social skills are wonderful, you're here aren't you? You can fluidly string thoughts together and we all know what you are saying and feeling. I doubt seriously that you are ugly and the fact that you are sensitive is not a mark against you its one for you! Bars are not the place for you and if you were to do a website I would have a close "friend-girl" help you navigate it....be kind to yourself, it is obvious in your post that you have many talents...go show em off!

 

Thank you.

 

I am clearly "ugly" (though I hate that word, I generally substitute it with "unattractive", but why sugarcoat things...? Let what fall; fall where it may.)

 

My social skills... are horrible, clearly. I have no ability to talk to a beautiful girl and even if I could, it wouldn't do me a whit of good anyway. I can assure you, she'd only too quick shoot me down. It has happened before, but I don't know if I'll allow it again. Enough is enough... right?

 

Being sensitive is crippling when a rejection from a complete stranger cuts you like a knife. And it is a hindrance when you are too paralyzed by fear to ever do anything. A less sensitive individual would experience far less obstacles in this area.

 

I am an INFP. We're natural writers. I've often thought about writing something, but I don't know what. I do like the idea of living a lifestyle of a hermit though. (I'd never have to worry about dealing with women then. Be kinda nice...)

 

Anyway, even if I were attractive and not shy or sensitive at all… meeting someone of interest would pose a serious problem. You’re forgetting the whole ‘faith’ thing I mentioned. It seems just being a ‘christian’ puts one at enmity with the world itself. (Like we weren’t warned in advance...! Uh, we were!!)

 

Same here, seems like I am doomed also!

 

That sucks. Yet another dinosaur...

 

Kevin,

I quit thinking I was ugly just recently.

At 53, I learned I was just an regular guy after about 40 years assuming my family's opinion of my ugliness was true. I look back at old photos of my (Very Christian) ex and I as newlyweds and see two beautiful people entering a long life together. I'd give my left nut to go back and know what I know now about so may things. Seriously!

She became critical of my looks, and I never really had a reason to disagree, since she was my world as far as some things mattered.

 

It would be a shame if you couldn't accept that your self-image is distorted. Plenty of women here have seen your thin, handsome self and told you they find you attractive.

 

You have some ideas that hurt you. Try new ones.

 

But, Dako, is it distorted? I've wondered about that... I don't think it is.

 

If it were, I wouldn't be single. I've said that before, and I will say it again. I'm not saying no women on earth would find me attractive, the odds of that are ridiculous. Besides, I know that's not true. I've met some women and girls who do think I'm attractive, which is flattering. But it doesn't do me any good, since these comments come from the women whom I have no romantic interest in. They are either "not my type" or far, far too old for me. (I seem to be a big hit among the 50+ demographic!) And I know all too well that if I lived in Japan, I'd be a superstar. I'm tall and very skinny. In Japanese culture, that is the very image of "hotness" for a male itself.

One problem (I will name anyway): I don't live in Japan! lol I also have no intention of moving there, especially just to find a mate. I wouldn't move out of province, let alone, accross the world to find someone. I'm much too lazy for that.

 

So, of course, beauty is somewhat subjective based on its given culture. But… we (well, I) live in North America. And its standards of good looking are slim and narrow, leaving little room for guys like me. For better or worse, we’re the geeks that nobody (that we like anyway) wants.

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Kevin T, you arw whining. If you lack of social skills does not sink you, your wanting to wallow in self pity will. Get over it. Because the only thing holding you back is whatever is in your head. If you quit whining about it, you'll have made a good first step.

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Correction:

 

There is no hope for people who whine and moan about themselves, playing the violin to accompany their tragic orchestra.. singing 'woe is me'

 

 

you know what?? if i think back on all the guys I've liked ... in my life... I don't think any of them have been downright gorgeous... or even had the most perfect personality ... but i liked them for a variety of reasons.

 

ha ha.. I lived in Japn fpr a few years... adn its true... many guys who had never seen a naked woman in thier life were all of a sudden knocking back 25 girls a week!!

 

doesn't work the same way round for girls as much!!

 

what kind of hobbies doyou have? what sports clubs do you belong to? Gym? martial arts? aside from taking care of your body (its the only one you've got!!!) sports / gyms are a great way to meet people...

 

people are more concerned with themselves than lookign around saying" She's fat!... or 'he's ugly!'

 

What kind of things do you like to do for fun?

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Every reason you give is just an excuse not to try any more, an excuse you are looking for because you are so comfortable in your "please pity me" world. However the truth is that you would not be posting on this site if you didn't care about getting a girlfriend. You do care, so get off your **** and try as hard as you ****** can. i dont care if youre shy and ugly- forgot about your looks and work on your shyness- it is just social anxiety-YOU CAN CHANGE, but only if u try. I know because i used to be like you but i now realise how pathetic i was being

 

I couldn't care less about pity. I don't expect it because no one here has walked in my shoes, or is me, nor am I them or have walked in their shoes. So it would be foolish to expect people to understand where I'm coming from.

 

Of course I care. I've cared since I joined up over one year ago! And nothing has changed in all that time. So naturally, I'm going to be a little miffed about my life. I think I'm allowed, despite what others here seem to think.

 

If simply changing my shyness were to solve every problem, then let me ask you one question:

 

Do you have a girlfriend right now?

 

Kevin T, you arw whining. If you lack of social skills does not sink you, your wanting to wallow in self pity will. Get over it. Because the only thing holding you back is whatever is in your head. If you quit whining about it, you'll have made a good first step.

 

Go over the fact that you are alone and always will be?

 

Okay.........

 

Done!

 

My, wasn't THAT simple? If only I had known it was so easy, I'd have done so YEARS ago! Give me a break.

 

May I paraphrase your post? Too bad, I'm doing it anyway:

 

"I'm tired of listening to you. Please stop posting, shut up and go away.

 

Thanks."

 

I could post a lengthy response as to why I interpretted it that way, but I'm sure it would just be considered more "whining" to you, so I'll save us both some time and not bother.

 

But one thing: If you don't like what I have to say, then don't read it. Keeps it simple and easy for us both, that way.

 

Correction:

 

There is no hope for people who whine and moan about themselves, playing the violin to accompany their tragic orchestra.. singing 'woe is me'

 

 

you know what?? if i think back on all the guys I've liked ... in my life... I don't think any of them have been downright gorgeous... or even had the most perfect personality ... but i liked them for a variety of reasons.

 

ha ha.. I lived in Japn fpr a few years... adn its true... many guys who had never seen a naked woman in thier life were all of a sudden knocking back 25 girls a week!!

 

doesn't work the same way round for girls as much!!

 

what kind of hobbies doyou have? what sports clubs do you belong to? Gym? martial arts? aside from taking care of your body (its the only one you've got!!!) sports / gyms are a great way to meet people...

 

people are more concerned with themselves than lookign around saying" She's fat!... or 'he's ugly!'

 

What kind of things do you like to do for fun?

 

Have I stumbled into the "tough love" section of our drama? lol

 

Or is it just the time when the compassionless people come home from work?

 

Either way, I already addressed the whining part above. Don't like it; don't read. Keeps it simple for ya.

 

And I have news for you: People do judge based on looks. I'm sorry you haven't acknowledged that yet (or prefer to pretend the world doesn't work that way).

 

As for hobbies, I don’t like sports, and I’m not joining a gym to meet women. I’m much too self-conscious to work out in front of others. (I think I already covered the “ugly” part.) I am in excellent shape, in fact, I work out nearly every day and like to take care of myself. But it does me little good. I’m still scrawny as hell looking, despite being quite strong. (Ironic, isn’t it?) I would that it were the other way around; looked buff but could only lift two pounds! Lol

 

Hobby-wise? I’m pretty busy with school, so I don’t have a lot of spare time these days. I spend a good portion studying or online/playing video games. Yeah, I guess I’m a nerd. Maybe that’s why I can’t get any of the women I’d like; women don’t like nerds!

 

I used to go to church for years… never met anyone there. Not once. Even joined different Christian organizations at school, in hopes of maybe (just maybe) meeting someone. Didn’t work.

 

""Miss Right isn't going to "magically" fall out of the sky, into your lap and everything will be happily ever after. It doesn't work that way.

 

If you want a woman, you have to first acknowledge your problem, then get help and work as hard as you can to overcome it.

 

"Only those who run will get the prize." You don't win a trophy for just sitting at home and crying over being single. Lamenting one's own weakness without making any changes gets you nowhere.""

 

You said it yourself before..what happened since then to make you so moany all of a sudden?

 

You are 100% correct! Miss Right (if there was such a thing, which there isn't) won't fall out of the sky. I've said it myself. I'm well aware of that fact.

 

Reality, has made me more "moany," my friend.

 

When cold, hard reality bites you in the sass (you know what I meant lol), then it becomes tough to swallow.

 

I suppose me saying one thing then "whining" as beec put it, makes me a hypocrite. But that's okay since all people are hypocrites to some extent anyway.

 

I've just gotten tired of being single. I've made changes, I've put effort into things. But nothing changed. I'm still the same shy, sensitive person that I was before. No matter how I appear on the outside, it doesn't matter. So when things don't go how I'd like, I think of what could be wrong:

 

And I came up with one answer. Has to be the looks. People may say no, but I beg to differ. I can't be anything else. If women approach men these days, then shyness should not matter.

 

And I stand by what I said: If someone is nothing, they should not think they're something.

 

Why lie to yourself, just to make yourself happy? (Oh I know... so you don't annoy people online, who post here!) But I just think walking around thinking you're so great (when you're the only one who thinks that) is silly.

 

I'm sure pop psychology will disagree with me. But it's how I feel.

 

Anyway, I just love how people blame me (without knowing me) and then expect me to somehow magically fix everything by myself, some of which, is well beyond my control.

 

KevinT

 

'Tis all in you head. Mind over matter. Perception vs. reality.

 

And the most important concept--quote from Wyatt Webb--"What you give the most energy to will happen...."

 

I used to think it was.

 

But when people avoid you like a plague and stir clear of you coming a mile away (figure of speech) then it can't be in my head.

 

I know being shy is bad. Of course. But it's so hard to change. I've always been shy, especially with women. I've always been a sensitive, sappy, romantic feeb too, so that's gonna be hard to change after 25 years!

 

Things take time. No change happens overnight. I think many of you overlook that fact (not necessary you, hoss).

 

But I have to deduce it is my looks. Women take one look at me and are not interested. Attitude has nothing to do with that.

 

Hoss, it may be sacrilegious for a christian such as myself to say this, but I need to SEE it first, THEN I will BELIEVE it. I’m Thomas, forgive me.

 

 

 

Anyhow, the overlying theme of our drama is summed up in these words:

 

“You’re unhappy? Bah, shut up and stop whining.”

 

So sorry. Perhaps I best heed that advice and go back to bed till next year.

 

G’nite!

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But I have to deduce it is my looks. Women take one look at me and are not interested. Attitude has nothing to do with that.

 

KevinT

 

It's not your looks--I have seen your pictures. You're not the quasimoto you make yourself out to be.

 

Plus women are not as visual as men are. Men have that to their advantage. Women are attracted to men mentally first, emotionally second, physically third and spiritually fourth. Whereas men are attracted physically, emotionally, mentally and then spiritually.

 

That may explain the cosmetics/make-up industry........and all the primping and prissing women go through....to appeal visually to men

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KevinT

 

It's not your looks--I have seen your pictures. You're not the quasimoto you make yourself out to be.

 

Plus women are not as visual as men are. Men have that to their advantage. Women are attracted to men mentally first, emotionally second, physically third and spiritually fourth. Whereas men are attracted physically, emotionally, mentally and then spiritually.

 

That may explain the cosmetics/make-up industry........and all the primping and prissing women go through....to appeal visually to men

 

If I posted a new picture, you may be singing a different tune. If I'm feeling really generous, maybe I'll PM some people a pic (but probably not). Much too self-conscious. I've changed since then.

 

Anyway, I know that men tend to be more visually oriented. But looks still matter to women, and I am mostly talking about those between 18-24. That is my age group. I think they place higher priority on how "hot" a guy is than the other age brackets. Don't you think so?

 

If girls only liked guys mentally, then I would never hear or see girls my age talking about how "hot" so-and-so is, etc. Yet I hear it all the time! It makes me sick. lol Trust me, in my major, I go to school with about 80-90% all females, so I hear it ALL the time.

 

Edit: Also, if that were true, about intellect being first, women would always go for the brainy nerds, never the hunky jock. Yet they don't. Why?

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Edit: Also, if that were true, about intellect being first, women would always go for the brainy nerds, never the hunky jock. Yet they don't. Why?

 

I never went for the hunky jock (oh, wait, there were a couple of 5'0" and under gnarled up horse jockeys that I majorly crushed on back in the day when I was a lowly stable hand--I can say lowly as I am a racetracker for life)....I love brainy nerds. It's true. I love brainy, intellectual, opinionated, articulate nerds.

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If that's the case... there's little chance for me.

 

Ugly? You betcha.

Weird? Natch.

Shy? mostly.

Existential? Of course.

Boring? Probably.

Short? Yep.

 

But you know what? There is a percentage (however small) of women out there who aren't like that. I've been afraid of being "stuck" with a woman I don't wanna be with (example: every guy accused of an affair on a talk show), but on the other hand, I've met a few men who are short, nerdy, shy, and/or ugly that are actually very happy with their significant others. I've realized all I can really do is hope. That, and one of my big aspirations in life is to move outta the country to an Asian country where it isn't terrible to be short.

 

This is a major reason why Roger Rabbit is one of my favorite cartoon characters.

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If that's the case... there's little chance for me.

 

Ugly? You betcha.

Weird? Natch.

Shy? mostly.

Existential? Of course.

Boring? Probably.

Short? Yep.

 

But you know what? There is a percentage (however small) of women out there who aren't like that. I've been afraid of being "stuck" with a woman I don't wanna be with (example: every guy accused of an affair on a talk show), but on the other hand, I've met a few men who are short, nerdy, shy, and/or ugly that are actually very happy with their significant others. I've realized all I can really do is hope. That, and one of my big aspirations in life is to move outta the country to an Asian country where it isn't terrible to be short.

 

This is a major reason why Roger Rabbit is one of my favorite cartoon characters.

 

I've often been afraid of having to "settle" for someone I don't like, myself. That's why I'm single. I'd rather be alone than with someone I'm not happy with.

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I've often been afraid of having to "settle" for someone I don't like, myself. That's why I'm single. I'd rather be alone than with someone I'm not happy with.

 

Same here, my friend. I agree wholeheartedly. Too bad most guys don't get that opportunity, or they blow it and go out with whoever they see next outta fear of lonliness. If they didn't, there'd be no need for talk shows AT ALL!

 

F'kin DREAMER, man!

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I won't follow others' lead. Both of my parents ended up remarrying people they don't like and are stuck in dead-end, unhappy marriages.

 

My mother always tell me: "Don't settle like I did."

 

And I agree. Hell, my dad married his current wife because he was "lonely." It's so sad.

 

Sure, I'd rather be dead than alone... almost, but I'd much rather be alone (and "whining" about it, Beec) than with someone I didn't like/love.

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Hey dude, you forgot also the following from your list.

 

- virgin past age of 30. check.

- living and completely supported by parents. check.

- no past relationship experience past age of 30. check.

- cant afford to move out and live on my own. check.

- haphazard income which was slumped in past while. check.

 

Solution. Go out and win lottery and then complain when you collect your big check that you never had a girlfriend and cry about it on national television and see if anyone would like to be your girlfriend then.

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