She dumped me, but isn't doing to well.

[drum4god]

Most of you guys know my situation. For those who don't you read it here

 

 

 

I went NC until this past Friday. I saw her at a going away party for a mutual friend. At first I didn't want to go, because I didn't want to see her, and wasn't sure if I would be strong enough to handle seeing her up close. I did see her last week in church from afar, and it was real hard. But I decided to go, and I am glad I did.

 

I got there with my friend a little later than everyone, there were quite a few people, and I said hello to most of the people there. I then glanced over at the table and saw my ex talking to someone. She had her back turned, so I didn't say hello. I didn't want to go over to her. Anyway, after 5 minutes she got up, and I waved to her, and she went downstairs. She really didn't look that good, which surprised me.

 

I spent most of my time upstairs talking to everyone, having a good time, laughing. I basically acted like she wasn't there. But then she came back upstairs. This is where I felt a little uncomfortable. But I did my best to stay strong, and I did. About 10 mins later, she goes into this room, and she is there for about 15 mins. It was obvious she was talking to her friend.

 

She then comes out, and is ready to leave. I am sitting at the table with my friend. She says goodbye to everyone. She then comes over to my table to say bye. She gave me and hug and kiss, and we have some small talk for about a minute. She then says bye, and puts rubs her hand on my shoulder as she is passing by. It probably was just a friendly gesture on her part, but who knows.

 

After she left, I found out some info that really surprised me. I asked my friend if she said anything about me. She told me my ex is not doing too well, and that she was crying most of the night I was there. That is why she had her back turned to me, and was trying to avoid me. She told me she hides everything so well, but she is really hurting. She said she didn't want to hurt me, and told my friend "well I do have feelings I was with him a year".

 

However, my friend asked her if she feels she made the wrong decision, she said no. So, I guess it was more she was hurting that she hurt me, and misses my company.

 

I also found out she told her friend, she is not able to open up to a man yet. I guess she is still not healed from her ex. I also found out she went to Boston to visit a friend to get away for awhile.

 

What I find strange, is I am doing better than I thought I would, and she isn't. How ironic. A few weeks ago, I was a mess, and I was thinking she was doing well. Even my friend told me, it appeared like I was the dumper, and she was the dumpee. She told me she looked horrible at the party, and I looked great.

 

I am not taking pleasure in her hurting. Its strange the next day I actually felt bad, but I know I can't feel too bad, because I may get suked in.

 

I am sticking to NC, and I am doing everything to move on. I still love her, but I am moving on. She hurt me twice, and I am not going to get hurt again.

[AnonymousMG]

I had a similar thing happen to me. I only had NC for a week and a half, but after that time, I ran into her at the mall. The next day we went out (just as friends) to do some shopping, and on the way home she started crying in the car. She tried not to let me see, so I pretended that I didnt, but once we got to her driveway she lost it in front of me. I thought this was a sign that somehow things were going to get better, but over the course of the next two weeks, all I did was give myself false hope. I ended up crying in her arms and later found out from a friend that she got aggravated by it that I was still bringing it up. I'm sorry that it isn't 'good news' as far as a reconciliation, but I think that she'll be ok if that's all you're worried about. Good luck with everything.

-AMG

[annie24]

I would stop listening to 3rd party reports about your ex. it is not helpful to you. trust me, your ex will be just fine. And yeah, stop catching up on the gossip from "mutual friends." it will bite you in the butt!!! What about if she meets a new man next week and she is out of her slump. will hearing that make you feel good?

[samross]

Glad you went to the party, man. It sounds like she is hurting but I agree about the NC and not listening to mutual friends. One reason you're feeling good is obvious - - you saw she wasn't doing well. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that if you had seen her having a great time with other guys you'd feel miserable. Trust me - I'm going through that now. But, on the positive side - - you needed to see that to help YOU. Give her time and patience. Let her see that you're strong. Couples have been through a lot worse and have made it work.

[drum4god]

Thanks for the responses. You are right about hearing 3rd hand info. It could bite me in the end. I do think she is struggling. Like I said she didn't look that good, and when she said goodbye to me, she rubbed my shoulder.

 

In a way I wish I didn't hear the info. Even though my head is telling me to move on, my heart is still hoping she will come back. I don't understand it.

 

Its stange I haven't seen her in church (except 1 time) since we broke up. This is not like her. I think she is avoiding me.

 

Anyway, I am sticking to NC, but I find myself reading into her actions, and what she is feeling. Do you think her touching my shoulder was a way of giving me some false hope? I am wondering if she regretting her decision, but she told a friend that she made the right decesion. I don't want to read into it, but its hard not to. My good friend saw her rub my shoulder, and said it was strange.

 

I am doing O.K, but for some reason I feel this situation is lingering.

[Mavis VDSande]

If she doesn't come to Church, don't feel like you are responsible for her missing out on sermons & worship. You may or may not feel this way, but really her faith and the rels you had together should not be mixed up.

 

I always believe that it's ok get try again after the first break up, anything after that is a bit ridicolous. The question is though - do you want her back? And would you truly just be going round and round in circles like before?

[Mavis VDSande]

You've got to ask yourself - are her actions based on her truly loving you and giving you guys a proper chance, or based on missing your affections and attention?

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I ended a four year relationship in December 2005. I was miserable, I was no longer in love my ex and breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I had to do. I cared about him but that was about it.

 

After I broke up with him, I was a mess. I cried...A LOT. My body hurt so bad, my joints have never ached that bad...my body was really mad at me for stressing so much. But in no way did I regret my decision. I was happy to be free and happy he will have a chance to be with someone whom will love him.

 

But let me tell you, many people mistakenly feel "dumpers" have it easy, they can go about their life like nothing ever happened. In many cases, dumpers hurt very bad. And not because of the guilt and hurting the other but the dumper also has to adjust to not being in the relationship either. I found myself being constantly being plagued with sentiment, missing having someone around...basically my old life, no matter how miserable the relationship was. Everything familair was over. Starting over can be very daunting...for the dumper as well.

 

Please try not misconstrue your ex's tears, looking bad, and pain as her wanting you back or regretting her decision. She is hurting too in ways different than you. Break-ups no matter whom facilitated it...STINK!! But you will recover and so will she. Now, I am with a wonderful man...someone whom treats me awesome, brings the best out of me, we just have a great time. Those days are awaiting you and your ex. I promise.

[drum4god]

Thanks everyone.

 

I know I am reading too much into this. I know dumpers do hurt. I know she is hurting, because she gave up a guy that treated her great. I guess there is always that hope she will come back and realize what she had, but I have to ask myself. Why? Why do I want a woman back who didn't treat me good, who didn't look out for me, who was very selfish, and played games with me.

 

There is this foolish believe that when the person comes back they will change, and the truth is they never do. I mean she broke up with me 2 times, and came back both times (without my urging) and made me believe she really loved me. That is what gets me mad. I feel like a fool, because she sounded so sincere. She was crying and told me with she really does love me. This was 2 months ago. I didn't mind she didn't love me, but I am still mad about her telling me she did. Man, I was so blind.

 

In a way she still has me guessing. I know she broke up with me, but her pattern is hot and cold. The thing I really have to ask myself, why I am still hoping she comes back. Even if she does want me back, no man in his right mind would go back.

 

Its odd, I was O.K, but finding out she was hurting, and her rubbing my shoulder confuses me.

 

People tell me, what is your problem. You are very attractive, she isn't all that. You can do better. She didn't treat you right. Do even think about her. Yet I still can't stop thinking about her.

 

I deserve so much better. Please somebody slap me.

[kellbell]

From what you wrote, it sounds like she wanted things to work out, tried to love you, perhaps tricked herself into thinking she was but was not "feeling" it and just could not go on. Unfortunately, she let you wallow around in her confusion.

 

Of course you miss her, there is no shame in that at all. But other than seeing her at church, I would recommend full NC. She has a history of keeping you in purgatory and NC is the best way to avoid that, once and for all.

 

Hang in there.

[drum4god]

From what you wrote, it sounds like she wanted things to work out, tried to love you, perhaps tricked herself into thinking she was but was not "feeling" it and just could not go on. Unfortunately, she let you wallow around in her confusion.

 

Of course you miss her, there is no shame in that at all. But other than seeing her at church, I would recommend full NC. She has a history of keeping you in purgatory and NC is the best way to avoid that, once and for all.

 

Hang in there.

 

 

NC is what I play to do. Even though I saw her at the party, I still don't think I broke NC. I didn't go to see her, I went for my friend.

 

I am going through a whole bunch of emotions right now. I guess that is not so uncommon. In a way I am upset she rubbed my shoulder when I saw her at the party. I know I tend to overanalyze, but why do you do that? Was that just a friendly gesture, was that her saying I miss you, or was that her just teasing me. Like I said my friend thought it was strange. It was not like I was hurting that night, and needed that rub. In fact I was laughing, talking and had a great time. She was the one who was hurting.

 

I have to realize it doesn't matter. She dumped me, and I have to move on, but I am having trouble right now.

[LCD01]

Hey drum4god. Hang in there. You have no idea how I can relate to your situation. My ex and I broke up for the second time in Nov. after trying to make things work after our initial break-up in July. She tried to convince herself that she still loved me but she couldn't do it anymore. I saw it coming, as I think you did too. Part of our problem was the age difference (I'm 34, she's 23). I thought I was prepared for the socond break-up, but two months later I still miss her and think of her constantly. We've talked maybe 4 times since the break-up (last time about a month ago).

 

I'm getting a little better now though. I started on-line dating just to get the chance to talk to other women.....it helps a lot.

 

Anyway, I always look for your posts because I can really feel what you're going through. It sucks when you give so much to someone and they can't reciprocate. Anyway, it will get better over time (cliche), but it is true.

Good luck my friend!

[Mavis VDSande]

It's like an addiction - you just gotta go through cold turkey and see it through to the end - but it will get better!