Left, in a new city.......bites!!!

[Jeeves]

My husband of a whole 5 months has decided that he doesn't really like the married life. Of course, he blames me for all the problems we have. I moved to Arkansas from New Hampshire to marry him and to live here. He swears he still loves me, but we "can't" get along. He likes to talk about what he is going to do for our relationship, but when it comes to action he does nothing. Right now he is on his way back from flying to Denver to buy a car and drive it back. I didn't know that he was going until 1.5 days before he left. He also said that I had pissed him off, so no communication until he got back. I did not know that he suffers from anxiety, depression, and sexual addiction before we married. I have moved to a little house about 5 miles from him, I have no family here and very few friends. The kicker? I'm 42.........too old to be a fool, you would think. I can't eat, sleep, barely move...............I really hurt bad guys. Just wanted someone to know. Thanks. ](*,)

[jazzykat]

Hi Jeeves,

 

Welcome!

 

I am really sorry to hear what you have gone through, and what you are going through!

 

That must be really really hard for you! But please don't be hard on yourself.. I don't think any of us are too old to be fooled..

 

I can relate to the kind of person you have "found yourself" with....

Luckily I didn't get married.. but still..

 

Very charming to begin with aren't they? then out come the true colours..

Do you plan on officially leaving him?

He's emotionally and mentally abusive -you don't have to put up with that!

 

I know you probably don't feel like doing much at the moment, but are there any social groups or clubs in the area, that you could join perhaps?

 

Maybe getting involved in other activites, will not only help to take your mind off what's going on, but it might also help you to build up a network of friends as well.

 

Do you intend to stay living in the area? Do you work locally?

 

I really feel for you, and hope that things start looking up for you one way or another

 

Please focus on, and be kind to yourself..

 

Jaz.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hello Jeeves - And Welcome to ENA!!

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

 

Please know that there are many in your sitaution out here on these boards - stick around for a while. Read other posts, check back on yours in a bit.

 

Have you two decided to split up? I mean you said you moved to a different house, are you going to make the split up official?

[doyathink]

I didn't know that he was going until 1.5 days before he left. He also said that I had pissed him off, so no communication until he got back.

 

I did not know that he suffers from sexual addiction

 

These two statements kinda send up a red flag in my books. You didn't know he was leaving till the last moment...and no contact while he is gone???

PLUS, he has a sexual addiction?!

Do you think he took a female along with him on his trip? Do you think he's having an affair?

[robowarrior]

Let him go, your better off without him.

 

In the future think 30 times before you do something. This because searching for fortune in a hastly manner, can lead to much mischieve into your life. *hugs* this must be so hard for you, i think its best to stay out of relationships for at least 3/4 of a year, in this period get a shrink and go into theraphy for all the awfull things that have happened to you. And let your shrink re-evaluate where you did go wrong in your thinking, you also need to do a lot of self reflection as to what point he or you went wrong.

[Jeeves]

These were some really good replies. Thanks!! Funny how just talking and letting someone know you hurt can help. I don't think there is a female involved, its been mostly porn and not your average stuff either. I told him it was over through an email and blocked his address after I did some investigation and found his profile on a "animal vs women" site. He hadn't been on there in a year, but it sickened me and now I know what people mean when they say they feel dirty. I called a suicide hotline a bit ago......I have never done anything like that. I am a nurse and I can't even take care of myself right now. I feel so stupid, and yes he is very charming, but very emotionally and mentally abusive. Why did I choose him? I have always been independent and very level headed. He likes to pick fights with me and then ignore me for a few days and then I let him worm his way back in and so it goes.......

 

I am going to have to get a life.....or I fear losing the one I have.

[Siriana]

Go back to the town you left to be with him.

Just go home.

I think this is the best thing you can do.

Pack your stuff while he's away and leave.

He tricked you into marriage by not telling you the truth about him - so it's not you're fault. You were tricked.

The only thing you can do is leave.

[doyathink]

Man, your going through some tough times thats for sure. Do you have any family you can call or go see? Have you thought about moving back to New Hampshire?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

First, I hate to ask this question, but do you have assets in bank accounts or elsewhere that he has access to? if you do, please move them immediately to an account that is in your name only.

 

There are some men who prey on women (and especially middle aged or older women) whose purpose is to woo them, separate them from their friends/family/support system, then use up that woman's assets. They choose older women because older women tend to have more assets, and sometimes are more lonely because it is harder to date in middle age. and they frequently choose women who live elsewhere, so you won't know their own bad reputation, and they can isolate them away from their friends/family by demanding a move.

 

These are usually NOT good guys, and have a host of other problems like you describe, and choose women that have something they want, then break them down to control them, then disappear when the assets are gone. They are also frequently bigamists etc. and may have wives/girlfriends in other states that they are visiting on and off and deceiving as well.

 

Please do not be too hard on yourself, these men are frequently sociopaths, very charming, glib, manipulative etc. You fell in love with a man you *thought* you knew, but he has proved otherwise. Don't hate yourself, just recognize that you hoped for the best, and he has been revealed to be dishonest and a user, and you are a victim of that. Have mercy on yourself, and recognize that sometimes it is best to cut your losses immediately and permanently.

 

Please make plans to protect your assets and move back to your home if you were happier and had a support system there. Also file for divorce immediately so that he can't incur any more debts in your name, or steal your identity, or steal your assets.

 

He may not be a financial thief, but things do not look good on a lot of fronts, so please move on before he does any more damage to you.

 

I am so sorry, it happens more often than anyone knows. Please start talking to those who love you, I am sure they will welcome you back with open arms.

[Siriana]

Oh, my god i didn't even think about that possibilty. This is a horrible idea, but very good advice Bestrongbehappy!

If you have joint account pull out your money tomorrow!

[jazzykat]

.....You're very welcome Jeeves!!

 

I'd just like to say that I know 'that' cycle very well....

 

I consider myself to be a smart, level headed, confident woman -but it's amazing just how these guys change...ever so slightly at a time -it's like it creeps up on you!? -hard to explain.. and suddenly you find yourself in this empty, loveless, horrible, relationship (hmmmmmm..... maybe I wasn't as 'smart' as I thought I was?) In no way am I discounting my part in the relationship... I certainly enabled it..

 

I guess part of being "fooled" -is realising and learning from it.. changing yourself for the better, so that you won't make the mistake of being involved with the same kind of man in the future..

 

I certainly learnt a LOT about myself, while I was going through this.. -and was able to work on some positive changes (I'm still working on it, but I'm chugging along!)

So at least there was some sort of positive out of the negative situation!

 

I think part of my problem was that I didn't like to hurt him -and everytime I tried to dump him in the beginning..he would be soooooo hurt, and I would let myself be talked back into the cycle.. -I was being too nice.. -as a Caregiver (Nurse) -would you say that you might be a tad too nice Jeeves?

 

He tugged at my heart strings... he knew how to play the game!

 

Ahhh the games -Sheez he was good at them!

 

Hey, I don't know if you'll find this handy... but take a look...

 

link removed

 

I found my ex to have a LOT of the traits -sometimes it helps you to understand -it also helped me to realise that it was about him (and his "issues") and not personally to do with me. -sort of makes you feel empowered again!

 

Anyway, I know that you are feeling really really low right now (been there)

but please believe me when I say you'll get through this -and push through to the other side... because you will!! I look back at those dark times (it didn't help that I was incapacitated at the time -which was even more depressing!) -and think "Oh My God! -did I really feel THAT low?"

 

And I seriously shake my head in wonder!

 

Trust me -one day you will look back on all of this, and be proud that you got yourself through it!!

 

Look after yourself! -aim to do one little pampering thing, for yourself each day.... it really helps!

 

Jaz.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The reason I am worried for the financial aspect is the rushing off to buy a new car on no notice... did you provide money for that car, or is he signing your name on that loan? This could be how he is intent on transferring your assets to himself and things in his name...

 

If you get a formal separation, he cannot commit you to anything, but if you willingly gave him money for the car or signed the note, it is now a joint marital asset/debt... but if he forged your name on the note, of course that is a criminal offense, but a pain to prosecute etc. but if the money was in a joint account, he can legally take all of it until you file for divorce or move it to an account in your name only.

 

Please immediate protect yourself, file for divorce at minimum, close all joint accounts, credit cards etc.

[Jeeves]

Thank you so much. That was some really good information. I will probably do what you say and just go back to where I came from. He "seemed" so great, but we know that was not the case. Please wish me luck and again I thank you so much.

 

Jeeves