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am i being unfair?


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My fiancee and I had a huge fight just now. It was so stupid. I am in the military, and I am going to wear my dress blues to our wedding. This is very common. Well, she doesn't want me to. She won't say why. I am letting her plan this entire wedding her way, and this is the only thing I wanted. I converted to her religion (one that I was raised to dislike. a decision that my family makes fun of behind our backs.) I let her pick out the exact ring she wanted. And I am an all around good person with her. I just wanted this one thing. The whole premise of the fight was not me wearing my uniform or not, it was the fact that I feel that sometimes things can be unfair. Of course we both brought up stuff form the past and it turned into a huge debacle. But she thinks I'm being incredibly unfair because I won't wear a tuxedo like everyone else does, especially when I've supported every decision she's made.

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I was in the military for over five years, and am still on the reserve as an officer. If I were getting married, I would definitely want to wear my SD. In fact, I'd want my entitlement to a guard of honor (swords etc).

 

ALOT of people in the military want to wear their uniforms. Mate, I regulary wear $3000 suits on occasion and I can tell you, nothing fits better, or makes me more at home, than when I put on my SD Jacket, Mirror polished shoes, and SD cap.

 

I hope she understands.

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Oh, I don't know what to say.

I just know that I would compromize anything when it comes to wedding except my husband wearing an uniform on that day.

The reason why is because I find wedding something private, personal and emotional. So wearing uniform on that thay just doesn't fit a picture in my female mind. But I also understand where you guys are coming from whne it comes to uniforms. Still I wouldn't be thrilled.

Now you have every right to be angry because you already made so much compromise.

I am shure you'll be able to deal with this fight. It is better to have a good fght before marriage.

remember - don't pull out the old stuff when fighting about something new. Always keep a fight in a current moment, with current facts - never choose to put some old stuff into it.

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Maybe wearing an uniform during the ceremony and after switching to a suit?

Or the opposite?

Suggest her some sort of the compromise that includes you wearing an uniform.

For example if you are going to have a photo session during the wedding than you can manage to have suit on some pics and uniform on another?

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.I think wearing clothing personal to you, like a uniform, makes the day more personalised rather than wearing a tuxedo like everyone does.

Yeah, thats that difference I was talking about...to me it is not personal but for a guy it is important because it is part of his identity...

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Maybe wearing an uniform during the ceremony and after switching to a suit?

Or the opposite?

Suggest her some sort of the compromise that includes you wearing an uniform.

For example if you are going to have a photo session during the wedding than you can manage to have suit on some pics and uniform on another?

 

If it was important to my other half, I would definitely get two sets of photos done. And I'd also give serious thought to wearing a suit to perhaps the reception. Actually, yeah, thats a really good idea. But it would have to be the most awesome suit... price of a car or something.

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Judging by the rest of your post about her I suspect it is because she feels she will be less of the 'star of the day' if you stand out from the crowd in your uniform. I think she is being selfish and self-centered and, although this may seem a comparatively small issue, I think it does not bode well for a well-balanced marriage, You have already done most things her way - and it is time you made her realise that a marriage is a partnership.

 

It is as much your day as it is her day.

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Judging by the rest of your post about her I suspect it is because she feels she will be less of the 'star of the day' if you stand out from the crowd in your uniform. I think she is being selfish and self-centered and, although this may seem a comparatively small issue, I think it does not bode well for a well-balanced marriage, You have already done most things her way - and it is time you made her realise that a marriage is a partnership.

 

It is as much your day as it is her day.

 

well said! I am also concerned about the future of your marriage. it sounds like everything has to be done "her way."

 

that is true, maybe she doesn't like that he wouldn't be "the star of the day." (hey, it is your wedding too!) you know, it is sad, if you walk into a reception, you right away know who the bride is, but all the men are wearing the same thing, tuxedos. you would have no idea who the groom is if you just walked in on the reception.

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I feel myself agreeing with DN and Annie.

 

What's the point of a pretty dream wedding if your hubby-to-be is unhappy in the process, y'know?

 

Maybe she has lost sight of the big picture - the MARRIAGE - because of all the hoohah surrounding the wedding.

Some people build up the wedding day so large.

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You know, going by your other posts, I have a feeling she may not have the same relationship goals in mind overall, and I wonder if even in the wedding she is focused more on the ceremony than the marriage.

 

If she is focused on the wedding itself, then she may not want to compromise on the uniform (I used to be in the military, so recognize that for many it is important and most weddings I go to where there is a military person getting married they will wear their dress blues, etc). If she had her mind on the life time MARRIAGE though, she probably would realize that the day is about the both of you, and your commitment to one another...and the man you love wear what he feels comfortable in is the right thing for him to do.

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Well, have you heard the term 'Bridezilla'? (Bride+Godzilla)...

 

Some women go absolutely beserk when it comes to weddings... they have all kinds of fantasies they've nurtured since they were little girls, and are obsessed with the wedding being the 'perfect' day that matches their fantasies... maybe she's been dressing her Ken dolls in tuxedos since age 3, and just can't get past that...

 

Having said that though, is she unwilling to compromise in other areas, or has she just gone beserk on the wedding thing? If she's always like this, then you're gonna be married to Godzilla, but if she's just gone overboard on the wedding fantasy thing, then she may be OK after the wedding...

 

So you should tell her that the dress blues has always been YOUR wedding fantasy, and it's your wedding too, so can't she yield on this to make it your day too and make you happy...

 

i agree that maybe you can spend part of the wedding day in your blues, and part in a tuxedo... lots of women wear a frou-frou dress for the actual ceremony, then change into another dress for the reception, maybe you could do the same... (oops, i mean change into a tuxedo for the reception, not a dress...)

 

for the sake of pictures, lots of people stage lots of things several times to get the right shot, so try to work that angle with her to calm the Bridzilla beast... maybe leave the church once in the dress blues, then put on the tuxedo and do it again in the tuxedo... anyway, compromise is eveyrthing in a marriage, you guys better learn now...

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According to most etiquette books, you should wear your uniform on your wedding day. And even if the books didn't say this, I would still advocate it, as you will flat out look dashing in your uniform!

 

Geez. This is lame, dude. I hope she realizes what a gaffe she is making in not wanting you to wear your uniform.

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The whole premise of the fight was not me wearing my uniform or not, it was the fact that I feel that sometimes things can be unfair. Of course we both brought up stuff form the past and it turned into a huge debacle. But she thinks I'm being incredibly unfair because I won't wear a tuxedo like everyone else does, especially when I've supported every decision she's made.

 

Something else I wanted to mention, Follow Me, because I think my last post might not have been as encouraging.

 

But my boyfriend and I had a very big disagreement this weekend, too, and you know what? It turned out it was good for us, because it cleared the air. Of course, it was very unpleasant at first, but it is better than keeping a lot of issues bottled up. I would stand your ground on the uniform thing, but I bet she'll come around on that, anyway. Weddings are stressful times, and there's bound to be at least one blow up. Just make sure you two don't give up on working it out together, and I promise you'll feel even closer once it's past you.

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I can see where she may be coming from. There's so much hype out there about how it's the bride's day, the bride will remember it for ever, it should be everything the bride wants, blah blah blah. It never turns out that way, but since brides tend to be more gushy about wedding planning than grooms, it seems like it does. Your fiance needs to realize that the wedding is just ONE DAY of her life. The purpose of that one day is to commit herself to another person for the rest of her life. The pretty dress, the gifts, the food, etc... none of that is nearly as important as the marriage it's celebrating. If she can't compromise during the party that celebrates her marriage, will she be able to compromise for anything else? Will she compromise when it comes to financial decisions, child rearing decisions, career decisions, etc.? I'm sure if you asked her, she'd say she's more than willing to compromise with you on those things. You need to make her see that the compromising that goes on for the first day of your marriage is just as important as the compromising that will go on during the rest of your marriage. She probably just doesn't realize that whether or not you wear your uniform is the first of MANY disagreements you two will have. Don't give in, but at the same time, don't be too firm. Like another poster said, be willing to give in and wear a tux for the reception and half of the photos.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Oooh, that story lit my fuse!

 

Ok, I guess I will be the rebel here and say "No Deal". Stand your ground soldier!

 

I am a woman and if my fiance was in the military and wanted to wear his uniform to our wedding, nothing would make me more proud. I might even insist on it.

 

To me, nothing is more handsome than a man in uniform, whether it be a cop, a fireman or a military man.

 

This is your day too, be proud of who you are and what you do. Don't let ANYBODY take that away from you.

 

Maybe remind her that it's that uniform that keeps her safe at night and she SHOULD be proud of it!

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You're on the same team, but acting like there's a battle. Set aside both options; they're dividing you. Agree to find an option together that actually suits both of your needs. This isn't just your wedding day, it's the first day of your marriage.

 

Her reasons for wanting you in a tux will probably surprise you, but you'll never hear them while you're arguing for wearing your uniform. Your reasons for wanting to wear your uniform are almost certainly not the ones she suspects. Talk about them. Talk about how the two pictures of the wedding make you feel. Then talk together about what else might give you those same feelings.

 

Make compromise or resolving the problem on your own your last resort, not your first. Build a strong team, and it will last a lifetime.

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