How to meet guys in college?

[lvlyldy]

My first year in college, I met my ex through the dorms. I am now starting my second semester my third year and I have no idea how to meet guys. I tried the online dating site thing recently, and after meeting a guy that ended up being a jerk I decided that Id rather date a guy who goes to school with me here. The only problem is, I dont know how to go about doing this. I live in an apartment now, and my building tends to keep to itself. Lectures are sometimes 500 people big and in most of my discussions I fail to meet anyone Id be interested in dating.

 

I have joined clubs that I am interested in and go to meetings, I spend a lot of time in the library or cafes studying, and I go out with friends to random events. I also work and volunteer a lot, but again I have yet to come accross anyone im attracted to. I dont drink or like to party, nor do I go to clubs or anything like that. I know thats where a lot of people meet but i tried it once or twice and really didnt feel comfortable. Its not my thing, and i dont think id be interested in dating someone who was really into it anyway.

 

Its very frustrating, I dont think Im unattractive.. and I consider myself at least decently smart and I have great friends and am a pretty active and motivated individual. I know what I want and I work really hard to get to where Im trying to go. Guys my age just seem so immature to me. I dont want to casually date, I want a guy thats going to stick around and give us a shot at a serious relationship. I know id be a great girlfriend and be there 110% for my guy, its just it doenst seem like im ever going to meet anyone that wants me. It just doenst seem possible... what am i doing wrong!?!?

[Alabama]

You might not be doing anything wrong at all. Sometimes, we just don't get the chances we want when we're ready to date. I found that when you want to date someone, it is like there is no one out there to date. Yet when, you decide to concentrate on something else, all of a sudden people become available. If you lament and wonder why you're not bein successful attracting someone, than you'll get nowhere; it's best to do something more positive, so you will attract guys who find you interesting and vica versa.

[finewhine]

You're in a tough spot. Every guy I met in college I met at a party while I was drunk. I had two serious relationships while in college with guys who stuck with me. Then again, I've been accused on numerous occasions of being a party girl. I am also a giant nerd, though, and a very motivated person, so I have something of a defense

 

I know I'm gonna catch heck for this, but try doing the party thing again. I'm not saying get blotto or anything, but just go and have a couple beers and get the lay of the land.

 

Now, before I catch the aforementioned heck, let me explain myself. College parties are a great way to really connect with your peers, or, at the very least, to understand them a little better. I'd say parties are the second most important part of going to college in the first place. They're certainly more important than finding someone to settle down with!

 

I know you don't like parties. I think you need to get over this. I really do. I sense that some of your discomfort stems from feeling out of your depth in these situations. Since you don't have a boyfriend to occupy your time, use these opportunities to conquer your discomfort.

 

Oh, and everyone at parties isn't going to them every single day, nor is everyone 100% into them. You could meet someone at one of these parties to make fun of all the other idiots there.

 

Just my two cents.

[annie24]

ok, so you ARE meeting men, just no one you are interested in. It's ok, keep at it. I've found that when I've given up on meeting men, that is when all of them come out of the woodwork!

 

so why don't you take a ..... 3 month hiatus from meeting men. just keep on going to parties and stuff, but don't go with the active intention of finding a boyfriend. just to find interesting people to talk to.

 

seriously, sometimes when you stop looking, that's when they find you! so stop looking for a little while

 

good luck

[Salucious]

Coming from a guy's perspective, it all depends on the guys who are attracted to a girl like you. Now I'm not just saying this, but I really wish there were more girls like you. You sound like the kind of girl I'd be more comfortable around. And if you don't feel comfortable in the party scene then don't go to them. I think most people who have a bad experience after two times makes it pretty obvious that (like you said) it isn't "your thing" If you force yourself to go to them then that kind of is misleading to the guys you meet, who will assume you like to party. There are plenty of guys (like me) who also don't go for the party scene. I think for me it is because I like more personal interaction with people. I'd much rather go to a bar with 1-3 friends and play pool or talk than go to a large bar/club and mingle with strangers.

 

If you are a girl in college and don't like parties than you are a rarity; but don't label that fact in a negative way. And if you want a relationship-oriented guy, that's another reason for staying away from parties. a LOT of guys go to parties just to "hook up" with girls. Maybe not all, but it will be hard to tell.

 

Do guys hit on you or talk to you, and if so, when/where? Maybe you intimidate guys; it's not uncommon that the most attractive girls get approached less.

[Kevin T]

What are you doing wrong? You're looking at school.

 

Wrong place. At least, in my experience.

 

You'd be best looking elsewhere. It's tough when you're not a partier, since bars and clubs are the main place young people go to hook up.

 

I think annie had the right approach. Just stop looking and wait. Maybe that'll work for you. (Since you're a female, 'the wait for it' approach might actually work for you.) It's about all I can think of.

 

It's tough, since school is where people go to get educated... or to waste their parents' hard-earned money by partying all day long. There are two types of people who pursue higher education, and I just named both of them. lol

 

Good luck. You will need it.

[poloplayer]

since school is where people go to get educated... or to waste their parents' hard-earned money by partying all day long. There are two types of people who pursue higher education, and I just named both of them.

 

HA! Well said. You either find the die-hard partiers, or those that don't speak with anyone because their focus is narrowly honed in on studies. Sure, I've met combinations of both, but that's all there is.

 

Maybe try joining a club at school? Ever consider volunteering at an organization? Or get a P/T job somewhere that you would enjoy to work and maybe meet some like-minded people. I agree that college (and graduate school) can be tough if you are not into parties. At times it can seem like this is all there is to do. But it's not. You just havn't found your group of friends, or your niche yet. That takes time.

 

I met some gorgeous women that were interested in me. They would get straight A's and seemed so innocent. Sounds great to me! Then we'd hang out and they'd hit the pipe each night and then hit the bars afterwards. Ew. Not my idea of a girlfriend because thats not me. At the same time, the bookworm that had zero social skills and would retreat to their cave each evening wasn't my type either. It can be tough, but you're not alone. There are many people in yoru shoes. If you don't mind my asking, why are you in school anyways...maybe keep that in the forefront and the rest will fall into place in time.

[Kevin T]

It is true.

 

I had the (mis)opportunity of sitting between both types of women today (at the same time) at school. The girl on my left was a bookish girl who was wolfing down her entire lunch while playing on her laptop. She was frumpish, didn't worry much about her appearance and was very introverted. The girl to my right was a spell-bindingly gorgeous, knock-out blonde; long hair, pretty face, the whole nine years. The typical party girl. It was like being stuck in the middle of a very odd sandwhich.

[poloplayer]

I clicked a link somewhere by accident and I saw a picture of your pom. Those things are cute, but I don't think I've ever met a crazier dog with so much energy. Maybe get a routine of walking with it in a park or somewhere?

[lvlyldy]

lol... thanks everyone for your advice!

 

I guess it is going to be a situation where I just have to wait around for mr.right to show up. I consider myself somewhat of a dork, in the sense that I do take my academics seriously (i have to, i want to be a doctor one day!), but at the same time I know Im not a super bookworm and I definitely have social skills. I have great friends and they are pretty much like me, except they all have boyfriends already (met them in hs).

 

In terms of more activities, honestly I dont know how much more I could take on and be sane. Im taking a full load of classes (all upper div bio/ochem), working 20 hrs/wk, involved in pre-med societies on campus, spend time studying at the library/cafes, work out at the gym/yoga, and volunteer in the community on a regular basis. Last semester I tried taking a sculpture class but that didnt last long, cause again I took on too much. I would love to do more things (and trust me Im always trying) but I think id breakdown. You'd think with everything I do there'd be SOMEONE somewhere.

 

I dont really get hit on... except by gross creepy guys. Its never really been the case for me. My friends tell me im a great catch and one day I will meet a guy who will appreciate me. It's nice to know that there are guys out there who do want a girl like me. Just because I dont party/drink/do drugs doesn't mean i dont like to have fun, I just get the feeling guys might think that. I definitely have standards, and want a guy that would take me serious and not want to just hook up (I have met a few guys like that.. including my most recent attempt). I was thinking of trying to meet older guys maybe, but again my little bubble extends mostly to my most immediate college city so I dont know how to meet them. I'll wait it out and see I guess... its just frustrating sometimes

[lvlyldy]

Oops.. forgot to address this... yes my puppy is crazy. He is actually a pomapoo... poodle/pomeranian mix (so he looks like a pom, but the size of a poodle). He is the cutest thing and incredibly nice to family but vicious to strangers lol. Actually he is at my parents home (very far from where I am for college) or else I might try that

[annie24]

I think you are still young, and a lot of 20 year old guys in college are looking for "the party girl." As you get older, a lot of guys will have had their fun in college and start looking around for a stable young woman, one that would be a responsible mom and wife. I think you might start having better luck with men in a few years. In the meantime, organize some co-ed study groups and just keep doing what you're doing. you'll meet some guys and I am sure that they will like what they see!

[poloplayer]

Well said Annie. I think lvlyldy will have more success as she grows older, and in the sense of a couple of years.

 

I don't think you need to find someone older than you - it's just harder to find someone your age that is at a similar level of maturity and similar priorities. It may just take more time, not necessarilly for these guys to grow up (that can be the case), but to find that right guy. It seems like this is all a bunch of frustration more than anything. Your friends all have a bf, you're so darn busy, and well, the little time you have leftover you'd like to spend with someone special. It makes sense.

 

I'd say keep doing what you're doing. You have a bright future ahead of you. Keep the faith that you will meet someone special one day, and in time it will happen. Just don't let it make you jaded or miserable.

[addictedblue]

when you're looking for a boyfriend you won't find one nine times out of ten. when you're so busy and have too many things going on to care is when you meet a guy that you really like. think about your past relationships. when you met any of those guys was it at a time you were looking for him? most likely not. because when you're looking you have this mental picture of all the qualities you want this guy to have. nobody you will meet will measure up to this potential because its too perfect and thereforeeee impossible. when you aren't looking at every guy as a prospect you start to like someone who is imperfect but you'll end up liking him enough not to care about those imperfections. basically, like everyone else said, stop looking, just focus on your clubs and job and studies and i'm sure you'll fall for a guy in no time, when you least expect it and probably at a place you don't expect.

[lvlyldy]

hi poloplayer,

 

I think you described it perfectly

 

"it seems like this is all a bunch of frustration more than anything. Your friends all have a bf, you're so darn busy, and well, the little time you have leftover you'd like to spend with someone special. It makes sense."

 

Last year, I went through an awful breakup with my first bf/love. It completely destroyed me and I was very depressed for a very long time. I had no friends because I had spent all my time with my ex, and I had no life (ie no activities or hobbies) because I spent all my time again with my ex. I also had never taken a serious science load and I was doing miserably grade-wise because I was dealing with both a physical illness and the emotional fallout of the breakup.

 

I am INCREDIBLY proud of how far I've come since then. I am amazed at my life and how far I've come since then. I love my friends, I love keeping myself busy. I dont need a guy to make me happy, its just sometimes after everything I would like that time to spend with someone special. Sometimes I feel when I talk to friends about it they think its that I need a guy to be happy and I dont. I am content and will be with or without a guy.

 

I will wait, like you guys suggested... I will stop looking at let it come to me because it as you again said, always has when i least expect it. I hope i can be patient until then is all