too many things to deal with?

[LDtime]

I am in a relationship with the man of my dreams, he is an answer to my prayers. But alot of the time I feel as of we have so many things aginst us:

 

We are in a LDR, and the strange thing is that we get along better when he is not here. We have done the long distance thing for over a year now, and we are very organized about it (we talk at the same time everyday, know our expectations ect). When he is here we are one fight after another, it does not help that we are both get hurt very eaisly, and both have forgiveness issues. It turns into a 'who can hurt the other person the most' battle. It is very stressful when he comes home--because everyone and the dog wants to see him, and worst of all his MOTHER! Don't get it wrong he spends sooooo much time with his parents that it is amazing that she could possibily feel left out. But she always has a guilt trip or a rude comment to deal out, and lately (with the talk of engagment ect.) the comments have been increasingly directed toward me. It would probably help to mention that he is an only child and he is 25! I just feel like she needs to step away and see her son for the grown man that he is. Needless to say that this is causing problems between him and I, I feel hurt and he feels helpless.

 

I know this is long but I dont know what else to do. I want to ask my bf to take my side and she her for the crazy that she is, but I know that will only drive us further apart.

 

how do I deal with his mother?

How do we keep from fighting? ](*,)

[BeStrongBeHappy]

this sounds like you have a great fantasy relationship, but the real relationship when you are together is not good...

 

you can't deal with his mother, he has to deal with his mother, and if he is making a choice to spend all his time with his mother rather than you, then that will continue... do you really want a mother in law who is the main woman in your future husband's life??

 

momma's boys are traditionally lousy husbands, becuase whenever you try to resolve anything, they just run to momma, and momma treats their boy like he is perfect and you are a perfect witch...

 

do you really want to sign up for this?? unless he grows some you-know-what's and decides he's an adult and you are as important to him as his mother (more so as a partner), then you're wasting your time and you will never stop fighting about it...

[LDtime]

thanks for your comment....

 

He has stood up to his mom about the way that she acts toward me, but it has just seemed to make it worse. We both think that she is acting so rudely (she did actually used to be some what nice) because she is seeing his devotion shift from her to me.

.....after we are married we plan to move out of state, per our need to have a family outside of our parents and his fathers advise on the best way to deal with his mother.

I know it seems extreme, but it seems that we just need to get away from her. I just wonder if I can do anything to show her I am not a bad person?? what else can I expect from him other than cutting his mother off compleatly?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

if you know you are moving out of state, then that should help control it, though who knows how often she will show up expecting to stay at your house... maybe permanently.

 

you have to have really clear lines defined with your boyfriend, and have discussed all the scenarios... i.e., he MUST be able to set some boundaries and stick to them with her, such as how often she can visit etc.

 

she may be determined to not like anyone who is with her son, so you could be a saint and she'd still find reasons not to like you. i'm sure you are NOT a bad person, and if she is saying hurtful things to you, your boyfriend needs to set the limits and tell her he will not listen to it, and cut her off and hang up on her, or walk out or whatever if she starts in on you.

 

so if your boyfriend doesn't tolerate the rudeness, and you move away, you may only have to deal with it for limited periods of time... but she won't change unless SHE wants to, so prepare yourself for a long road... maybe you could read some books about getting along with your mother-in-law for advice.

[Joneysnai]

hmm.. it sounds like his mother is afraid she will lose her son and that's all there is to it. maybe she thinks you are not good enough for her son since he is the only child, maybe she feels since you two are talking about being engaged she will lose him forever to you. i don't think u know his mother well enough or she knows you well enough to feel comfortable about the situation.

 

i agree though, it is up to him to deal with his mother. his mother will believe what she wants and there is no changing her mind unless she wants to or unless he keeps making her realize that u r the one he loves but she will always be in his life becuase she is his mother. i think in a way his mother will feel like you will be taking her place in his life and this is something she's having a hard time dealing with. regardless of how old he is, he is still her only child.

 

i always believed that if you are in a relationship with someone and you get along when you're not together but u don't get along when you are, things won't really get better because in the end, that's what will happen, u will end up being together. don't know if that makes sense. in your relationship not only do you constantly fight when you are together but you have to deal with his mother. it can't be a picnic in the park and it sounds very frustrating.

 

it would be easy if he could cut off all communication with his mother but given such a close relationship between the both of them it won't happen. if you ask him to do that he will feel resentment.

 

there isn't anything u can do, and my advice would be to just tell him to duke it out with his mother. if his mother says bad things about you, he should be defending you.

 

also figure out together what you fight about all the time. that's the only way you will resolve your issues. if you keep fighting but not talking it through to figure out what the real underlying issue it, nothing will get resolved. sounds like a GOOD talk with your boyfriend about your issues and about his mother is due!

[rikka]

this sounds like you have a great fantasy relationship, but the real relationship when you are together is not good...

 

you can't deal with his mother, he has to deal with his mother, and if he is making a choice to spend all his time with his mother rather than you, then that will continue... do you really want a mother in law who is the main woman in your future husband's life??

 

 

That's kind of what I was thinking. I am not sure what the two of you fight about, if it is everything and anything... welll maybe it is time to cut your loses. If there are specific issues, you need to identify what those issues are and then find methods to resolve them.

 

As for the issue with the mother, running away is not going to solve the issue. I would suspect that moving out of state may actually make it worse... long distance guilt trips are an amazing thing.

 

I think you and your boyfriend need to sit down and have a couple of serious talks about your relationship and the affect his mother is having on your relationship. I also think you need to do some serious reflecting and soul searching. Make sure that this relationship is what you want, not just the idea of it.

[LDtime]

thanks so much!

 

he and i fight when he is in town because of the high demand for his time, for lack of better words! I can not tell you how many friends we have lost because they feel like we dont care about them (because we dont spend time with them). He is usually gone for 6 weeks to 3 months at a time, and by the time he does come home it is usually not for very long, so it is hard to decide who to spend time with. And his mothers solution is to invite herself into every situation.

It is just very strange to me, because I know we both see it coming, but it always ends the same way: we are over extended and at eachothers necks. But, I do find hope in the fact that when we do find time alone, or I go and see him, things are great.

 

I am just not sure how to deal woth his mom. She may not ever like me, but should I be nice, passive, rude?