Rebound Relationships...what do they mean?

[krnelson2]

Hey all! Its been over two months since me and my ex (dated for 5 years) broke up. When the whole thing started, she told me that she was seeing this guy from work, but only as a friend. Of course I was suspiscious as the breakup came totally out of the blue. Before that we were so happy together, and then one day she told me she thinks we should see other people. She kept insisting that this guy was just a friend and nothing more. But he did tell her he had feelings for her and asked her on a date a while back and she said no. Well in the last week or so, people have been telling me that they have seen her with him at the bars, and referred to him as her "boyfriend". This obviously leads me to believe that they saw something that would make them think that. I really started to heal well and she assured me that she would let me know if she started something with someone else. In reality though I had to find out for myself online when he posted a note on her wall saying how he was so glad to be with her and he was glad she was sitting on his lap when he wrote the message, and thanked her for being the best girlfriend ever. That was so hard to read and today I feel back at square one. I cant stop thinking about her and her new BF. I wish she would have told me 2 months ago and saved me a lot of emabrassment and pain. But anyway here is what I am wondering. Its obvious that this would be considered a rebound relationship. I was hoping to get some advice, stories, facts, anything that can help me understand why someone would start a relationship this quickly after dating someone for 5 years. I would appreciate some advice from both the men and the women. Women: if you've been in a rebound what did it accomplish, how long did it last, did you stay with him? Guys: Have you had an ex ina rebound, what were your thoughts, how did you cope? Things like that. I know there are plenty of people on here who have experienced this so I am looking to you for help!!! PLease let me know what rebound relationships amount to in the end? Do the ever actually work? Please help!! I started to heal the last week or so and have initiated strict NC, but today is her birthday and I cant stop thinking about her. I want so badly to send her a text wishing her a happy birthday. But I just dont know if it would help anything. I dont want to be rude or seem mean but i just dont see it benefiting me at all. so please some help on this would be great. Anything you can give would be great. Thanks a ton. This is really the only place I can go for advice right now and you guys are the best. Thanks

[robowarrior]

5 years is too long to call yourself a rebound.

 

The bottomline is:

 

YOU DONT WANT TO BE WITH A LIAR!

 

She cheated on you big time, and what does this mean on the long run? Well , you deserve to be nr.1 in life, and you are not longer her nr.1. So its best if you separate her. Emotionally that's a terrible thing to go thru, but in the end its important to understand that its the right thing to do. Show some spine and dump her. Then replace your ex with someone who DOES consider you as her nr.1 in life. Don't take any less for granted.

[krnelson2]

I really dont think she cheated on me. We broke up 2 months ago, and she assured me that there was noone else at the time, but she had been hanging out with this guy from work(not dating, just seeing each other at work, and maybe hanging out a little after). I am not considering myself the rebound, but this new guy she is with now. As for dumping her, it has been over between us for 2 months, and she dumped me. But I guess what I really want is to get some advice from those who have witnessed or gone through this whole rebound situation. I mean what is going through the heads of the ones we love that makes them move on so quickly? I know there are a lot of people out there who are trying to deal with their ex seeing someone else so I think this thread could help a lot of people. There is a reason that rebounds have a very low success rate and i think thats what I am trying to figure out. What kinds of things will she begin to feel after the initial rush of seeing someone new wears off? Things like that. Thanks a bunch folks.

[Shaker]

krnelson,

 

Here's a woman's perspective. When I rebounded, it lasted for years with the same guy. In the early stages what I got out of it was 'fun'. Things had been stressful in my relationship, and I really just wanted to do different things with my rebound guy, meet his friends, flirt with him, go on dates, experience butterflies in my stomach--just take my mind off of all of the stress and uncomfortable months leading up to my breakup.

 

I will say I went through periods of doubt, both early on into the rebound, and even during the relationship, about whether I had done the right thing. Maybe I should have taken time to be alone. Maybe I should have waited until my ex had healed before dating again. I always felt guilty around my ex, like I didn't give the relationship all I could. And there were moments early on when I thought about going back. I didn't (probably because he pushed too hard for it, and that made me run scared).

[lmtl]

Shaker,

I don't mean to hijack krnelson's thread, but can you p[lease tell us a little more...I think he'd want to know more too.

 

You say you thought about going back...were those moments when you were feeling sad, or did you experience happy times & think of your ex too.

 

Did you ever contact your ex while with the new guy

 

How long did it take him to find someone new. Was she a keeper, or did he random date. How did you feel

 

Anything else that might help us understand the thoughts of a rebounder as we struggle to deal with our own.

[Shaker]

Sure. I'll do what I can, but this is just my own experience, and not anything I'm proud of. Now that I'm on the other side of the fence, I feel even less happy about how I handled this.

 

I thought about going back to my ex within the first 4 months of the new relationship. I was happy in the rebound, but I didn't have deep emotions for the rebound guy. I just saw it as a prolonged, fun date. We had light conversations. Didn't talk about problems. Didn't argue. There weren't any stakes.

 

With my ex, we had gone through a lot together. I loved him still when the rebound started, but I had a lot of stress in my life from work, school, and family, and really just wanted a space in my life to let loose.

 

I missed my ex because I loved him, because it's hard to walk away from someone you care about, because I knew he was struggling, because there were a number of good things about our relationship. There were days when I achieved a personal or professional goat that my ex knew mattered a lot to me, and he was the first person I wanted to tell (not my rebound).

 

But as the rebound progressed and I spent more and more time with the new guy, met his family, took a dance class with him, etc. he eventually became a boyfriend. I fell in love.

 

The ex didn't help matters. He sent a lot of packages in the mail. Called all the time. Sent a heap of love letters. Showed up at my door. Asked lots of questions about who I was dating. We were long-distance at the time, but he'd still fly out to see me.

 

When I started the rebound, I wanted to spread my wings for a little bit, and there was a possibility of returning to my ex. But he overwhelmed me, and his actions began interfering with my day-to-day life. I found it impossible to relax, to get work done. He was always interrupting (though with good intentions).

 

At first, I would contact my ex when I was involved with my rebound. Mostly, my ex initiated contact and I took the calls and responded to emails. I wanted space to think things over, but he wanted to mount a fight for me. I hated feeling torn all the time between my ex and the new guy. I needed to make a choice, and the months of unpleasant conversations following the breakup tipped the scales I think in favor of pursuing something with the rebound.

 

It took my ex almost a year to find someone new (and he married her). He still contacts me.

 

Does this help?

[finewhine]

So are you still with the rebound?

[Shaker]

No, it lasted 4 years.

[krnelson2]

No prob lmtl hijack all you want I think we are trying to figure out a lot of the same things. So thanks for the support, its nice to know someone is going through the same thing and we're not alone. Now lets see if we can get some more feedback.

 

Shaker: Thank you for your story, that is exactly what we are looking for. You did what you thought was best for you. You are a stronger person for doing that. It sucks to have to go through this, but it really does make us stronger. Thanks for giving us your perspective!

[finewhine]

krnelson2 - I struggled with many of the same issues you're going through right now. My ex and I dated for over three years and he was dating someone else two weeks after we broke up.

 

Yeah, it blows. I know how bad you feel right now. You're wondering if you are easily relplaced, if you made any impact on her life at all, if the relationship meant anything to her for her to bounce back so quickly.

 

Irrespective of what's going on in her head right now, you're going to come out of this the winner. Why? Because you took the time to work on your issues before involving someone new in your life. Because you took the time and energy to mourn the loss of the relationship and to put it squarely in the past. A breakup is like a bomb. You can't avoid the fallout. You took the hit all at once, while she's delaying the inevitable.

 

The other benefit of this sucky situation is that your hopes of reconciliation should be dashed. Now you can move forward without wondering "what if?"

 

Do you feel dissed? I felt totally dissed. I'm mostly over it, but not entirely. Dating helps, when you're ready. Not jumping into a new relationship, but dating casually.

 

Oh, and finally? The biggest consolation I have found is in being COMPLETELY ALONE. Being single, relying on yourself, getting your sea legs back - all of these are major accomplishements that, frankly, your ex is not accomplishing. YOU get to assess the new you, the one that changed with the relationship. She does not. Smug superiority is not to be underrated in times of emotional trauma!

 

Go make out with someone hotter than your ex was. That feels good, too.

[krnelson2]

finewhine- Very good thoughts. I agree 100%!!! I cant help feel like I have been dissed, but it has made me reevaluate my priorities in life. I know for a fact that I have made a huge impact on her life. I mean we knew each other better than anyone for 5 years of our lives. As bad as this may sound, it seems that she needs to make this mistake to really see what it is she wants. I dont want her to hurt anymore, but it seems like she is doing this to herself, and I cant stand around and be there for her everytime she slips. She is with someone else now, and its up to him to pick her up now. If she comes to me for help then I can only assume that he is not doing his part. She told me she wants to date other people from the day we broke up and I spent 2 months trying to change her mind. not anymore though. I cant do that for her. I am just glad that I have had the sense to take a look at the bigger picture before rusing into anything with someone else. I have learned so much about myself, and you are completely right in saying that she is delaying the inevitable. She has not taken the time to heal, and that may cause her pain in the long run, but that might be what she needs. And if she has moved on and healed on only 2 months, then i guess it says a lot about the changes she has made in her life. Thanks for listening to my rants it helps a lot to get opinions from so many people. Keep them coming!!! This is helping more than just me...Trust me Goodnight everyone!

[krnelson2]

Heres something I dont understand. I asked her awhile ago if she was ready to start something new with someone else. She said she wasnt right now, that was really only about a week or two ago.

 

Then all of a sudden a week or two later she is with someone? What could possibly go through you head to change your mind that quickly. Or was she just lieing to me the whole time to not hurt my feelings?

 

I dont know its just hard to get teh visions out of my head of her with another guy. Any more questions lmtl? I sure have a ton. Great stuff folks, keep the stories and advice coming

[papalazarou]

Heres something I dont understand. I asked her awhile ago if she was ready to start something new with someone else. She said she wasnt right now, that was really only about a week or two ago.

 

Then all of a sudden a week or two later she is with someone? What could possibly go through you head to change your mind that quickly. Or was she just lieing to me the whole time to not hurt my feelings?

 

 

Bit of both mate I think. Definitely its a rebound thing, probably because she is low on confidence and so she is grabbing a date or whatever with the first thing that takes an interest in her.

[krnelson2]

I agree papalazarou. She was always kind of low on self confidence. She could never really make her own decisions on things. When we would go out on dates or just hang out, I always asked her what SHE wanted to do . The response was always "I dont care" or "you choose". That always kind of bugged me because I really wanted to do what she wanted, and I wanted a girl that was confident and somewhat independent. But I agree, she was feeling really low when she broke up with me and most likely was really enjoying the attention she was getting from this new guy. So she held on and now is dating him. What can I expect to happen between them. Looking at the history of rebounds and others experiences what have you all seen. Is there anyone that has been through this experience?

[krnelson2]

Also it doesnt really seem like they ever really dated before. Its more like they just jumped into this whole relationship, and went to being bf/gf right away. I know he asked her on a date awhile back and she said no. And they go to the bar everyweekend together so who knows what happens there, but it just seems like they have started a relationship without ever dating and taking things slow. Good? Bad? Thoughts?

[Shaker]

It's bad for her in the longrun to move into this so quickly.

 

Sometimes sex or casual dating is a good cure-all for a break-up, but it complicates healing as well.

[krnelson2]

Where do most rebound relationships slip up? What i mean is what things to the new bf/gf's do to make your ex realize what they are missing out on. I know that is a hard question, but someone with experience here might be able to help. Has anyone (especially females) been in a rebound after breaking up with someone and had the new guy or girl do something to realize that you had made a mistake? Or I guess another way to say it is when in the rebound did you start to notice that you may still have feelings for your ex? Did it work out, or did you go back to your ex?

[FA18]

I'm interested in the answers this question brings. My ex was sleeping with a guy less than a week after our relationship was over. I'll never know if she cheated, but I really like to think she didn't.

[lmtl]

Shaker: Thank you for your story, that is exactly what we are looking for.

 

I agree, and see MANY parallels in your experience to my own situation. Thank you SO much for sharing.

[finewhine]

Heres something I dont understand. I asked her awhile ago if she was ready to start something new with someone else. She said she wasnt right now, that was really only about a week or two ago.

 

Then all of a sudden a week or two later she is with someone? What could possibly go through you head to change your mind that quickly. Or was she just lieing to me the whole time to not hurt my feelings?

 

She's HURT and CONFUSED. She doesn't know what she's doing. She's not taking time out to think about things.

 

You'll never know what's truly going on in her head right now, but let me share what my ex said to me some six months after we broke up. I basically can't stand him, so when he contacted me, I let it rip.

 

He told me that he was very affected by our breakup. I asked him how this could possibly be true since he started dating someone so quickly after we split. His response? I sh** you not: "So we're supposed to get better all alone?"

 

I'm not saying your ex is as misguided as mine, but she probably is. Now please take my advice and worry about YOURSELF.

[krnelson2]

Thanks FineWhine!

 

Trust me I am thinking about ME and only ME at this time. Of course its impossible to totally cut her out of my mind. I cant control that, but you know what? It doesnt really matter to me what she is doing anymore. I know all I need to know:

 

She left me after 5 years to be with a guy she barely knows. That says alot about her character. And as much as I would like to be with her in the future, she has a lot of growing up to do before that happens. She will realize sooner or later that what she had with me was great and that the grass is not greener on the other side.

 

She has done what she needed to do, and she is happy. BUT SO AM I!!! And thats all that matters.

 

Thank you everyone for your stories and advice this helps so much. Please keep them coming!!!

[vlhs004]

i had about the exact same situation as u. . . kind weird how similar it is. Me and my ex were togethre for about 2 1/2 years and she broke up with me and started dating this new guy that she knew i hated right away . . . "stuff" happened between them only 2 weeks after we broke up and they are still together now . . .it has been about 10 months. . . i tried to get her back for the first two months then i went nc. She has basically either called, emailed, texted or tried some kind of communication about every 3 weeks since june. . . its pretty persistent . . . but i have not answered or responded since i stopped talking to her in june. I have no clue what she wants but i know she is still with this other guy so i refuse to answer . .. I still care about her but it was killing me to talk to her and stuff knowing she is with him. I figured it was a rebound to but it just keeps dragging on so who knows

[krnelson2]

Thanks for your story vlhs004!!! It sounds like we are kind of in the same place. It kills us both to hear from our ex's and it just makes things worse. She is obviously happy with this new guy if they have been together almost a year. But she has not forgotten you! Trust me.

 

I wouldnt hang on to hope, and you will most likely always care for her. NC will either bring you two together again, or heal you to the point where it doesnt matter anymore.

 

Way to go on keeping with NC. You are a stronger individual for doing it. It sounds like you have your head in the right place. Keep it up!!

 

Being in contact with our ex's is the worst possible thing we could do right now, especially if they are with someone else. The fact that she is still contacting you on a consistent basis is a good thing, but dont get your hopes up. You at least know she hasnt totally forgotten about you. This can be used later on with whatever you decide to do.

 

Keep us all posted!!

[NorCaSpinna]

I feel all of you. I got out of a 6 month first relationship (seemed like it lasted a lot longer) mistakenly dumped her and then when I realized I had made a mistake, she had thrown her guard up full swing. I tried for about 2 months to get her back but then she suggested that we didn't talk for 6 months because of it being the healthiest thing (which I believe it is.) I find out from my cousin (who has become friends with her) that she has started seeing another guy. I know it has been 3 months since we have broken up but It just seems so soon...maybe because I am and have been a mess since early November (but getting better.) It sucks being able to get so many more dates than I used to be able to get before I was with her and not be excited about it. Ah well...one day at a time.

 

So, I am still doing NC (almost a month strong!). I am trying to utilize the time to get out of this rut and better myself. Good luck to everyone and remember that things will get better. Also watch Swingers! Great flick that deals with these kinds of things.

[krnelson2]

Thanks NorCa- I feel for you too. It sounds like you are improving everyday. I dont know a whole lot about your situation and how things were going before the breakup. But if you two were truly in love, then 3 months is pretty soon to move on and start a new relationship. The only thing that might make it difficult is that you guys were only together for 6 months.

 

They say it takes anywhere from 1/2 to the full time you were with your ex to get over them. In my case, I was with her for 5 years, and only two months after she is dating someone else. I suspect that they have been together longer too.

 

They dont know what they are doing though, they are confused and want to hear nice things said about them so they run to the first person who is willing to give that to them. This is the classic rebound. They rarely work, but sometimes they do.

 

Keep up the NC I certainly have been. It does us no good to visualize or hear about them being with someone else.

 

Hang in there.

 

Peace