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Arguments and how to deal?


DESSI
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My SO and I continually have arguments. I know we both have some valid points to this so I wanted some feedback on this.

 

FROM HIS SIDE:

She says she is going to do some errand & I accept she will do it. Some days later I find it;s not done. I get angry. I feel she is unreliable, not trustworthy, breaking her promise. She has done this many times before. She is lazy and self absorbed. I tell her these things to her face. When I get angry - justifiably- I use bad language and namecalling.

 

FROM MY SIDE:

Some errand needs to be done. I add it to my list. Several days later I have not done it. Even though it should have been done. My SO will ask about it. I will say no. He: Why not? Me: Cause I was busy at work, had other stuff to do. He: But you said you would do it. You are an unreliable, selfish, useless idiot.

 

 

Now it turns into a nasty argument. He feels hurt that the errand was not accomplished, I feel hurt that he used foul language towards me. He says if I did the errand he would not be angry and use the language.

 

Obviously "errand" stands in for many things, some big and important and some small and not so important.

 

My main question is: How do I get out if the argument cycle? How do I deal with being called lazy, unreliable etc over things, even if I did them wrong?

 

I have tried ignoring it, walking out of the room, but sometimes can't help myself but argue back. This has been going on for some time and is becoming a dealbreaker to our long-term reltionship. Any advice?

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My main question is: How do I get out if the argument cycle? How do I deal with being called lazy, unreliable etc over things, even if I did them wrong?

 

 

I had this issue a few years ago with my boyfriend. Mostly I reacted to his tone of voice and anger underneath, as he was not a name caller. But my trigger would go off and I would no longer be focused on solving the problem.

 

Part of this is about not being willing to work on the issue he has with you. It sounds like you use his lack of respect as fuel to not work on the problem. If he asks you to do things and you don't do them (you should always stick to commitments - it makes you feel more confident then you already do.) that is a problem.

 

Maybe you do not feel motivated because he doesn't appreciate it or acts like it's your duty.

Again, you can't navigate his emotional reasons for behaving a certain way.

All you can do is make efforts to meet his needs without resorting to his behavior. Then he is forced to deal with you not engaging in this fight AND the fact you are being reliable now. It will make him realize how hard he is on you and I think it will subside.

 

To some degree you must make efforts to have "thicker skin". If you allow someone's words and emotions to tangle with your own, you are halfway responsible for the fight. Your efforts in the past were going to work - I suspect you didn't stay focused and slipped up by retaliating.

 

Be willing to believe what you can't see yet. Be willing to believe that you can keep this from effecting you so much and show him his fights will always leave him hanging.....

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Good post, honey.

 

You: Keep your commitments or do not make them when you are not sure you are able to make good on them.

Apologize for breaking promises, and show you understand it is changeworthy.

Let him speak his part about how it has affected him. (If name calling comes into play, you simply must leave. )

 

His name calling is clearly not ok behavior. But you don't have control over that or if it will change.

 

Taking the high road and being willing to work on your part is the best you can do.

 

It takes two. Perhaps your step up will inspire and motivate him.

Even if it doesn't: you will feel stronger and better able to make the right decisions.

 

Oh...and sometimes space helps. A lot. At least temporary space.

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@ itsallgrand

 

Re commitments: The number of commitments keep growing and frankly I can;t always cope. I do a lot, housework, yardwork, grocery shopping, cooking as well as now working full time. I started doing all these things cause for a while I was not working so I wanted to "contribute" more. Now, it is all my responsibility for ever, "cause you said you would look after it".

 

Re apologizing: I always do. But when I say, "I am sorry" (and mean it) he says "No you are not!, if you were sorry you would not make these mistakes."

 

I can kind of see his point, but some of these issues are really trivial with no long term consequence and I am despairing about his severe reactions and especially the verbal abuse.

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Have you explained to him that it is difficult to sometimes keep on top of everything? If you guys are living together, the division of labour that you describe occurred because it fitted with both your sets of circumstances. However, now that your circumstances have changed (i.e. you are working fulltime), it seems fair that the division of labour is altered in recognition of this. It also sounds like maybe he got a little used to you doing things in a timely manner, as you had a period of time when you weren't working, and hasn't necessarily recognised that it's not as easy anymore.

 

This definitely sounds like a point of contention for you, in the way you explained that: Now, it is all my responsibility for ever, "cause you said you would look after it". Can you come up with a chores schedule that fits both of your other commitments?

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Sounds like this guy is your OWNER instead of your BOYFRIEND.

 

DONT EVER LET ANYONE TREAT YOU LIKE THEY OWN YOU OR OBJECTIFY YOU.

 

If he's verbally abusive now, imagine if you disobeyed him on something big...would he resort to physical abuse?

 

I say, run for the hills. You don't deserve the emotional abuse regardless of how many times you missed an obligation. If he can't treat you with dignity, he simply needs to find a maid...not a girlfriend.

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Firstly, I do not believe people who care about eachother should ever resort to name calling and insults. Words are worse than sticks and stones, because broken bones heal a lot faster than broken hearts. Words said in the heat of a moment can last a lifetime, and you can never take them back. You should tell him that him saying those things hurts and he should find a different way to express his feelings.

 

Secondly, you *are* being unreliable. When I say I'm going to do something, and I don't do it, thats the definition of being unreliable. It makes it very difficult to trust someone. If you say you're going to do something, do it. Or don't promise to do it. If you're not sure it'll get done, qualify it before hand. If someone still brings you to task on it, then you can say that you were trying to get to it and it's still on your list. Otherwise own up to the fact that you didn't accomplish what you said you would. But people don't have a right to **** on you just because you made a mistake.

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It sounds as though he expects alot out of you. More than you feel capable of.

 

If you tell him directly, I don't have time or can't do that, I'm guessing he insinuates you are lazy or unhelpful?

 

So you take on the duties, hoping you will get it all done, you accept them rather than be honest with him that you won't be doing it. Then you don't tell him that it did not get done because you know what his reaction / response will be?

 

It's very difficult to deal with the pressure of walking on eggshells. Even if typically you could accomplish everything expected, while under pressure it's hard to get a percentage of the same done.

 

Be honest with him. Determine exactly why you do this and explain to him. Explain also that you want to work on more positive communication rather than childish arguments.

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How do you apologize? Saying sorry and doing it again is really not an apology. Part of a proper apology is promising that it won't happen again. If this situation keeps happening than your apology is not worth much and that is what he sees.

 

He is wrong to use bad language with you but you are also wrong in commiting to things that you may not be able to do.

 

I think you should give him a proper apology not for the incident but for the situation and your failure to meet commitments that you made in the past and promise that the situation won't arise again... in other words that you will not commit to doing an "errand" if you are not sure that you will be able to do it.

 

I found a great site on perfect apologies when I messed up (with my SO) and read about how to apologize effectively and it was really helpful, and best of all it worked.

Here are the basics:

 

A proper apology always:

 

gives a detailed account of the offense

acknowledges the hurt

takes responsibility for, and ownership of, the mistake

offers an explanation that recognizes your role in the situation

includes a statement of regret, shows humility or remorse

asks for forgiveness

expresses a commitment to change and a promise that it won't happen again

provides restitution, or token gesture in line with the damage

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yeah I agree that saying sorry for the sake of saying it isnt right. You have got to stop repeating the mistake if you really mean it.

 

First, it is not very polite for anyone to use foul language on anyone be it the guy or the girl! But i can relate why he end up using it anyways.

 

Second, both of you are in the wrong but who made the first mistake? It is you. If you were responsible in ur words and doing it not just saying it, things wouldnt have turn ugly. If its ur mistake apologise first before u give reasons or excuses.

 

Third, both of you have to work on communication. An argument can be healthy sometimes but if its getting nowhere, both got to realise the reasons behind it is that both dont want things to get better, both only want to prove that each other is right and the other is wrong. Which means one have to compromise and give in but thats unfair.

 

So to avoid this particular problem, run ur errands like you scheduled it too. Your bf will see u as responsible and hardworking. It would not make sense if you do your job and he uses foul language or tell u ure lazy.

 

Good luck.

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