My bad habit

[jumbalaya]

I have the bad habit of sometimes snooping through my girlfriends text messages when she is not around. I feel so awful about doing it. I never used to do it at all, but once she cheated on me with her ex, things sort of changed for me. I know people say that it is a bad idea to stick around after something like that happens, but I decided that I really liked her a lot and decided to work through it. The relationship is going on for over a year and the ex continues to pursue my girlfriend. This is the reason for my bad habit. I feel like I totally trust her to not do anything like she had done before, but I feel that sometimes she does not tell me some of the things that the ex tells her, that I think I have the right to hear. One of the times I checked her messages she sent a text message to the ex saying simply "i love you". Worst part is I was with her when she sent the message. I confronted her about it and she ended up trying to turn the whole thing around on ME, and make me out to be the a$$hole for snooping. She also added that she meant the comment as "I love you as a friend" and started using the excuse that she was drunk. (which was true, but still)

 

Am I an for snooping like she says? I really am trying not to do it, and havent done it for quite a while, but sometimes i feel like shes not being completely upfront with me. What should I do?

[mommy326]

I know exactly how you feel, I am going through something very similar myself. My current .. fiance / boyfriend ... lied to me, cheated on me ... lied to me a couple more times and then cheated on me again and it has just turned my world upside down. I always find myself reading his emails or checking his phone but the thing I learned is that when you go looking for trouble you will ALWAYS find it ... or at least in my case I do

 

I dont have some great long post full of advice for you and I'm sorry but I do know how you feel.

 

I think once a person starts lying (I'm not sure how often your gf has lied to you) they fall into a habit of it. I don't think you're nessecarily wrong for snooping but maybe the two of you should re examine your relationship

[mommy326]

Also I think I should take my own advice

[musicguy]

way back in 1999 I was snooping thru my ex's e-mails and confronted her about it and she dumped me cuz I accused her of cheating. I'd re-evaluate your relationship and find out whether it's worth continuing on.

[scared12]

i think you should talk to your girlfriend about your trust, but don' t tell her that you were snooping around. if you don't trust her you will be better alone.

we are not all the same, some people don't give 100% of themselves into relationship like others, some people like to cheat, think about your relationship, and decide is it worth trying? are you both ready for unconditional love and trust?

wish you the best

[jumbalaya]

Thank you all for the help, i really appreciate it!! I think I will definitely take your guys' advice and confront her about my concerns. At this point of the relationship im not so much worried about her outgoing messages, its the incoming ones from her ex that worry me. I dont know if she considers herself not telling me what he says as her doing something wrong, but its something that I feel she should be more upfront about. I know we both love each other, but what I want changed is something that is really important to me, and since it is important to me then it should be important to her as well even if that means her losing her friendship with an ex. I really hope she can see where I'm coming from and fix this situation, but for some reason i dont think she is going to be very cooperative. I really wouldnt like to see the relationship end, but i dont think i can deal with this much longer

[Northalius]

Am I an for snooping like she says?

 

Nope. But, your mistake was letting her back in to your life after finding out she cheated on you. This shows the cheater that you're lacking self-respect, and thus much easier to take advantage of.

 

Drop her, and find someone much better for you. Or do you doubt you will? This is another feeling I suspect is in many minds when people give slack to people that've cheated on them before.

 

You'll find someone better for you; take the chance, and drop her.

 

Trust is very important in a relationship; without it, you're going to go insane wondering whether she actually loves you, and only you, for the rest of the time you hang around her.

 

Again, for your own sake, drop her.

[jumbalaya]

Yea a lot of people have said that to me, but the problem is that i can really see that she loves me a lot and really does care about me a lot, and i feel the same way. This happened about 4-5 months ago so i have kind have forgiven her already for it. I was strongly considering it when it happened, but now i feel its something thats in the past. Even though i dont really trust her to tell me if the ex says anything to her in texts, i do trust that she isnt going to do anything. I just wish that she would be more upfront with me.

[musicguy]

if she can't be upfront with you, then why are you with her?

[jumbalaya]

well I think after our little chat she is going to be upfront with me, if i find out that that isnt going to be, then i will have to re-evaluate the situation

[lizziebee]

I have the same 'addiction'. Whenever he is out of the house and I am there, knowing how much time I have I go into complete Lucy and Ethel mode and go through every slip of paper with a phone number, check the computer as far as I can go, and, ok..ready? I even sniff his shirts, and ok his pants too that are in the laundry to see if there is makeup, perfume or that oh so obvious musky smell...so far all I have gotten has been on the caller ID from his long term-rebound-right after his divorce 5 years ago-relationship....oh yeah, and the time he sent me out on xmas day looking for horseradish (at the time I did not think anything of it and I wanted to take an alone ride) and the cell phone at the grocery story ('you don't have to come honey') and even though we both love and feel loved, I feel like he is not being honest about the ex gf because of how I may react....EVEN THOUGH I HAVE MADE VERY CLEAR THAT WITHOLDING IS THE SAME AS LYING)....I cannot write anymore, cuz I am home for the week with IM's and phone calls from him...and I have just sent myself into near boiling (see: IDIOT) point.

You are not alone my friend, cheaters in the past or no cheaters....

[lizziebee]

Worst part is I was with her when she sent the message. I confronted her about it and she ended up trying to turn the whole thing around on ME, and make me out to be the a$$hole for snooping.

 

Also, mine is the same way about completely twisting everything around to be my problem, my fault...etc...The other thing is is that he says he broke up with the rebound because he could not trust her!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jumbalaya]

yes and i guess i kinda feel bad about doing it, but I feel I have some motive to begin with. The reason why im kinda confused is that I thought I finally trusted her again. Does this mean that I don't? Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I trust her.

[kaligrl22]

You should get rid of her. The fact that she's still talking to the ex when she cheated on you with him is unacceptable. I went through a similar situation not to long ago.

 

I found out my bf of 6 years had been cheating on me with the same girl for over a month. Guess how I found out. By snooping through his cell phone of course. When he came crawling back a week later, he refused to stop talking to the girl because they were "friends". It sucked but I had to walk away. I love him very much and it hurts every day, but I couldn't stand to be with someone who could cheat and lie to me after 6 years.

 

Do what you want, but once the trust is broken, YOU NEVER GET IT BACK!!! Besides why would you want to be with someone that you felt like you had to constanly check up on? When you completely trust someone, you don't snoop!! No reason too.

[jumbalaya]

Thank you! I appreciate the input, and thats what many have been saying, however why (if you dont mind me asking) was there a reason why you were snooping on yours?, 6 years is a long time to not trust someone.

[kaligrl22]

I completely trusted him which made finding out what I did that much worse. However things slowly started changing and I could see that he was changing as well. He wasn't acting the same towards me and things just weren't adding up (I'm very observant) When I finally found out, it had been already been going on for over a month (same girl) So it actually took awhile to put everything together and finally get the guts to go through his things. And what do you know I got all the proof I needed (the girl actually left him several voicemails going on about their "relationship".

 

What it came down to was I went with my gut instinct and you know what it hasn't let me down yet!!

[caro33]

I agree that cheating is close to unforgiveable, and I only say 'close to' to allow for those circumstances where, for whatever reason, the original cause for the cheating is addressed, forgiveness is possible, and the couple can grow and mend. This does happen. So, only you can decide if it's worth giving your girl another chance.

 

So here you are now in a relationship where you feel the need to check. Well I think that is fair enough. You were burned before, and you are trying to take some control of your environment so avoid another shock. You are trying to make yourself feel better. You know by now though that snooping doesn't tend to do that. It either gives you something major to worry about and combines with a guilt for snooping and an issue with how to raise the topic, or it just placates your fears for a brief time until the next time you need to check.

 

My advice is that there is no clear way to decide what will work for you guys on this, but your challenge is to test what the optimal outcome can be. Some people here say after a cheating episode that they and their SO agree to provide all passwords, check cell phones etc, to provide SO-sanctioned checking. So 'snooping' becomes 'policing'. That to me sounds good if people can accept it, but it also sounds like (a) a bandaid to the real problem (b) no guarantee anyway, because a cheater can always find a new way © a bad way to build trust.

 

I think that the real issue is for each of you to understand the other's motivations, and build your understanding of that into your own expectations and boundaries. Peeling away the woffle of that sentence, I'm saying to tell her your issue and your need for comfort. Tell her unambigously that you have felt the need to watch her, and you hate feeling like this. You are not comfortable with the way she is communicating with this guy, and that you do not see yourself ever getting used to such things as the text 'I love you'. Establish your needs and your boundaries and do not be apologetic for having them.

 

If she wants this relationship to work, as you do, you guys need to work together to build your little team of two, and build some walls around your relationship. Every time she lies to you, or omits information you have agreed she's provide, she is destabilising the relationship. You agree that every time you check you are doing the same. You need to let her know that things are fragile at the moment, and you need her help to find your balance again. I don't think there is anything wrong with this. If you want to know when the ex gets in contact I don't think it's too unreasonable to let her know this is important to you and ask her to tell you. You do have some credit here, if you know what I mean, it's not like your insecurity on this issue has come out of nowhere.

 

So my point is, realise your own part in this; your snooping is endangering the relationship because it's something that you know you shouldn't do, and because it's harming your perception of yourself and her. I agree with snooping when it's to check perceptions of wrongdoing, but when it's a daily checking even when there is no evidence of problem, then it's an addiction YOU need to cure.

 

If there IS evidence of a problem, then raise it. Be apologetic for snooping, but realise that that is a separate issue from the propriety of her behaviour. And if she's behaving in a way you can't handle, then get out. This has nothing to do with snooping and everything to do with her respect for you and your respect for yourself.

[jumbalaya]

very nice post caro, thanks for that. You made some very stong points that I think will be very helpful. I agree that i cant let this become an addiction. So far I feel that when I check I have something that raises my suspicions enough to check up on her. But also I really need to work with her and set up some boundaries. I always feel like she tries to get away with as much as she can without crossing over a "boundary line". I really need to get this to stop. I wish she would just see how nuts she is driving me . If she doesnt cooperate after our little chat I might have to move on despite the fact that i really dont want to

[caro33]

very nice post caro, thanks for that. You made some very stong points that I think will be very helpful. I agree that i cant let this become an addiction. So far I feel that when I check I have something that raises my suspicions enough to check up on her. But also I really need to work with her and set up some boundaries. I always feel like she tries to get away with as much as she can without crossing over a "boundary line". I really need to get this to stop. I wish she would just see how nuts she is driving me . If she doesnt cooperate after our little chat I might have to move on despite the fact that i really dont want to

 

To be honest, I don't see why she can't commit to you to not speak to this ex again - are there any reasons whatsoever that they need to be in touch?

 

You cannot blame her for contact she gets from him, but you can ask her to tell him to not contact her again.

 

I would think that this will never be resolved for you while she is in contact in any way with the person she cheated on you with. No wonder you are snooping, the wound is left open.

 

If you guys are to build your team and put up some walls around you I think the ex needs to go, he no longer has a role. This is unambiguous, it's a boundary that is quite clear. If she has a problem with this, you, quite understandably, have a right to have a problem with her.

 

Yes to your last statement. Lots of luck to you, I hope this brings you closer together and that you can get some peace.

[caro33]

Jumbalaya, did she actually cheat on you? Specifically cheat as in physical or emotional infidelity?

 

I only ask because I just read your other thread where you did not mention it, and you haven't mentioned it much here. The cheating thing is what makes all the difference to the advice you receive, that's all.

[jumbalaya]

yes she cheated on me. She didnt go further than kissing, but kissing is more than far enough in my opinion.

 

Anyways for an update, I confronted her about my feelings on her ex and the fact that i didnt think she should she him anymore. she said she wasnt going to do it at first but then cried and said she would. We were then on good terms for a day, and then tonight she breaks up with me based on other reasons. The prime reason was that she didnt like the way in which my roommate and best friend treats her and the fact that she thinks that I do not do enough to stick up for her and tell my friend off. Now the reason why my friend acts like he does is because, like many posters on this board, is disgusted with how ive been treated by her (ie: cheating), so sometimes ill admit it, I really cut him some slack on the way in which he acts around my girlfriend (now ex). He'll usually ignore her and not speak to her, while my other friends in my group will be friendly to her. She pretty much said that I shouldnt be friends with him, and I told her that i was going to be friends with him. As soon as i said that, that is when she broke up with me.

 

She didnt say that wanting to hang out with her ex was a reason for the breakup. Also, I dont think she wants to be broken up because she has been calling since the breakup and seems really depressed. I think that she may have broken up with me as a move to gain more power in the relationship. I think she expects me to crawl to her say "lets stay together and blah blah blah". Do you think this was a move to gain more power in the relationship, or a simple break? I guess I'll probably have to update you guys a little more so you have more info to go on. I believe this because she has pulled a move like this on me before and it worked out for her. So I think this is the same deal.

 

I'm thinking of letting this thing just stick. She'll get exactly what she asked for. Where should I go from here, NC?