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"Deal Breakers"...

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I am in a new relationship. Talk is turning to "The Future" and "Growing Old Together"....I am wondering what other people think a deal breaker is....are they specific or do people have the same types of things they will say...."NOT" to, and end the relationship? What incompatibilities will you not put up with? What thought processes? For me, I think lying of course...but since I have been dating I have found long lists of things....okay....I am listening....

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Blaming me for their actions.


Infidelity. (In a monogamous relationship that includes any sexual contact with someone, ambigious but not quite sexual or innocent contact with someone and pursuing a relationship with someone else. In a non-mog, it means lying about other encounters or hiding them.)


Any form of abuse. Goes with one, I guess.




Putting me to the bottom of their priorities. I don't expect to be #1 all the time, but being last is not going to happen.


Being badmouthed to friends. (The occasional whine is ok, that's what friends are for after all.)


Someone who is addicted to something.

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Ditto on everything that people above me have said...


But I also have to add independence and ambition to the list. I am not willing to babysit someone who can't take care of himself and has no plans for his own future -- even if he treats me like a princess and genuinely loves me.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Any unhealthy emotional attachment to an ex. Not saying you have to cut off all contact with anyone you were with before me, but just read my earlier posts and you will pretty much see what I deem off-limits.



Also, hitting. For any other reason other than your life being in danger, if you lay a hand on me it is done.

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This post made me laugh only because I soo recently had a conversation with my fiancee about this very thing! He was talking almost enviously it seemed about his friend who didn't work a regular job but his wife pretty much supported them and he got to spend 12hrs a day playing video games. I said almost seriously but not so much that it would be a "deal breaker" for me.... He got his feelings hurt that that was all it would take for me. I didn't know what to say. I wouldn't stand for that long if my husband was lazy.


Am I shallow or intolerant?

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Am I shallow or intolerant?


I don't think you are either. Explain to your fiance that, in a long-term relationship, there are going to be times when she pulls more of the weight, and times when he pulls more of the weight. And you are okay with that. But if you were expected to pull all of the weight, all of the time, that would not be a relationship. It would be a mommy.

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Hazey Amber,


You're right! There have been a few times he said I have spoke to him like he was a child.... my thoughts are "then stop acting like one".

I don't know some times I think I'm hard on him but I feel like its to late in my life to continue to be passive and accepting of certain behavior that affects my life in a way I don't like. I've done that for too long already.

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infidelity, dishonesty, co-dependancy, abuse, laziness/complacency




-inability to change/grow for the better

-extremely different moral/value/ethics

-lack of respect for self/others


-mental/personality disorders

-HIV/HERPES/HPV/HEP C infections

-inability to relate to my views/opinions

-over-critical or judgemental

-family or friends disapprove (his/mine)

-hateful personality


-not industriuous

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I think the lists above are pretty comprehensive, and I tend to agree.


But if we move away from the big dealbreakers, the three As etc, as well as betrayals and lies and head into the next tier of dealbreakers, that's where it gets blurry. That's the list of not-so-obvious deal-breakers for CanadianGirl, which I really agree with. That's a great list but I would perhaps characterise many of these under one heading, which is Value Conflicts.


It seems that value conflicts are very much behind so much of what we see here at ENA when one party writes "My SO did [X], should I worry?" or "My SO did [X] should I accept that?". Then we get into the same arguments re value alignments and different interpretations.

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Well aside from the other ones already listed these would be deal breakers for me:


- He wants kids, I don't

- Extreme conflicting views on religion (one is always trying to convince the other of their views)

- Doesn't like my family

- Heart shaped necklaces (I don't know why, but things always seem to end after getting one of those)

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I agree with many of the items here as being huge warning flags and potential deal breakers. However, I believe that all things are on a spectrum and are not so black and white. These items can be destructve to a relationship and force re-evaluation especially early in a relationship. However, I do not think that anyone should say that with one instance you should cut and run. All of these need to be put in the perspective of the problem and the relationship.


Abuse for example is something that I find to NEVER be acceptable. However, it is often a result of paterns and experiences the abuser is not even aware of. If someone is taking honest steps to adress that problem there is no reason that they cannot become an abuse free and strong partner in any relationship. Of course there is a big difference between beating someone black and blue and degrading them verbally (though both are still unacceptable).


My point is that it is good to have high standards, but all relationships will have problems and challenges. Do not be so quick to say you will never work through your partner's problems, unless you are also looking for someone unwilling to work through yours.

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