I am a human doormat!! HELP!

[kb109]

I have always been a very sensitive person towards others' feelings. I would much rather see others happy than myself so I find myself constantly doing anything I can just to make someone smile. I know you're probably thinking that this is a good thing, but I have been in denial for quite some time that people are probably taking advantage of my generousity. For instance, money has been pretty tight for my boyfriend since he bought a new car so I have been trying to pay for dinner and stuff every now and then so he won't have to. But now I find that I am paying ALL the time almost. And I used to have a friend who I would give insane amounts of gas money to because I don't have my license and I knew she didn't need that much money but I always felt bad for her having to take me to and from school so I paid up anyway. If someone that I am totally not into tries to hit on me, I just nicely go along with it and not really flirt back. But then they think I'm interested when I'm definitely not, I just don't want to be mean!!

 

So I guess what I need is a lesson of assertiveness. As much as I LOVE being the nice girl, I do not want everyone to take everything they can from me and then be gone. I can't help it though, giving makes me a happy person, even when I know deep down that I shouldn't be doing certain things (and no, I don't mean this in a sexual way LOL). I am a human doormat!! HELP ME! Thanks!

[kb109]

Thanks, I definitely see what you're trying to tell me. I just don't like it when I feel like I'm doing all of these nice things and instead of getting appreciation, I get people asking me for more and more things. I just can't handle it! I don't exactly have the funds of Donald Trump to be giving so much to people! Ahhh!

[rocio]

The more you give, the more people expect. It infuriates me too.

[flower99]

I feel for you...I'm the same, I'm at the point were I'm now starting to resent it & people ....ugh!! lol it can be a blessing. but sometimes a curse.

Hazy ambers right, The more you give (of time or money..anything) the more people expect.

What I've started doing, is start not offering & saying no more. And see people response, it's been showing me which are friends/guys to keep around & who to keep my distance, so I don't feel used.

 

the good ones, understanding caring friends/guys. Will of course understand & still love you & even help you. The others, will be shocked, maybe offended, maybe still stand there & expect it from you. Keep your distance from them.

People mistake kindness for weakness. Be strong and take care of yourself first.

[flower99]

Boundaries are really important. Having the backbone to stick by them is the hard part, and sometimes people will get hurt, but they'll get over it. Those people who can respect your boundaries and remain your friend...lover, etc. will stick around. The others may not, but you need to do what's right for you first.

 

So true... time to redefine those boundaries.

[renaissancewoman101]

In many ways, I am like you. I like to see people being happy. I would rather make people be happy than be happy myself. I think it comes from us not really liking ourselves and so we give so that we can get approval from others. Problem is we can't "buy" the love of others with money, help, etc., and we end up burnt out, angry, and WITHOUT the love and approval of our "so-called" friends.

 

I know it is hard to say "no" and take time for ourselves, but once we make the first step, it gets only easier. I have trouble saying "no" to people but I will say "no" now sometimes, esp when I feel burnt out and stretched to the limit.

 

Remember, we are our OWN best friend.

[itsallgrand]

I am not like this at all. If anything, I can stand to be less of a 'jerk' as far as aggressively stating what I want.

 

What I find so interesting about 'human doormats' is how they actually think they are being nice to others with their behavior.

 

I personally do not see it that way at all. I see it as a manipulative ploy as stinky and unkind as my 'jerkitude' in-your-face side.

 

If you are interested in knowing what I mean, ask one of your most trusted friends - not one who you feel is taking advantage of you constantly, I mean - and ask them about how it makes them feel when you refuse to stand up for yourself.

 

Or, ask one of those guys who have been mislead into believing you like them,...ask them how your behavior made them feel.

 

C'mon. Both sides of the coin: we get something from the behavior. It is about what we want. ...and the skills we have to communicate.

 

good luck. stand strong. just do it. Just say 'no' and see how it feels. You will survive.

[anggrace]

I dissagree that its "all about what you want". Mabey some people accually enjoy making other people feel good. I was once told this by my ex. It was pretty disapointing to hear him say this. He took my kindness for granted. He's now gone.

 

I do think some people use kindness for selfish reasons. But then there are caring people who are genuinly good people with intension to simply be kind. We are all different.

[TiredMan]

I"m confused about something. Others have touched on the main stuff so let me hit the things I noticed.

 

1) You say that you have been trying to pay for dinner and stuff every now and then since he bought his new car. Who was paying before he bought his car? If he was paying for all or most of it (which is what one can infer from what you are saying here), why is it wrong for you to be doing it too?

 

2) If someone is driving you back and forth all the time, you should be chipping in for gas a lot. I kind of feel that if you were the one driving your friend all the time, you might think they were taking advantage of you as a driver.

[rocio]

I agree and disagree. When someone can't stand up for themselves, it's usually because they are afraid of confrontation. Not because they are kind.

 

Personally, I don't think I'm one of those people. I can totally stand up for myself when necessary. Still, I sometimes feel that people mistake my kindness for weakness. For example:

 

-I will never talk trash about a friend behind her back. Not only that but if I ever hear someone say trash about her, I will defend her. Always. So I'm hurt when I find out that a friend has said hurtful things behind my back.

 

-I like to pay. If we go for drinks, coffee, a snack.. I'll pay. The expectation is that you'll get it next time. I mean, what's a few dollars between friends? But there are some girls out there who keep a mental note of every dollar. It's like they're sooo afraid to overspend fifty cents on you. Others will outright try to take advantage. I had a friend who had all sorts of tricks to get you to pay for her. Gimme a break! I'm not your sugardaddy!

 

-If we ever like the same guy, you can have him. No problem. So what? I can go out and find another cutie in a heartbeat. Friends come first. But then some girls are so catty.. they will do all sorts of low and dirty things to get a guy's attention or turn him against you. I never understood that.

 

-If a friend is in need, I'm always there to help. What's annoying is when you totally go out of your way to help out a friend when she was in a tough situation.. and then she can't even be bothered to lift a finger to help you out.

 

...I'll still be friends with these kinds of girls. But I'll only give them what they earn. I've learned that some women can try to be very manipulative. I see through them instantly and end up feeling sorry for them. These girls usually aren't so intellegent either.

 

I like a * * * * * - as long as she doesn't try to hide her * * * * *iness. Just tell me up front what you're about and we can work with that!

[rocio]

*** = canine of the female gender

[itsallgrand]

I dissagree that its "all about what you want". Mabey some people accually enjoy making other people feel good. I was once told this by my ex. It was pretty disapointing to hear him say this. He took my kindness for granted. He's now gone.

 

I do think some people use kindness for selfish reasons. But then there are caring people who are genuinly good people with intension to simply be kind. We are all different.

 

Kindness is one thing.

 

But allowing yourself to get walked all over is another. Getting walked over doesn't do anyone any good. So, my line of thinking is - to continue to let someone pee on you, there must be something you are getting out of it or else you would stop.

 

'cause it doesn't help people to allow them to manipulate you. It is a disservice to everyone involved.

And it undermines your credibility. If you can't stand up for yourself, how will you be able to stand up for the ones you love?

 

Big time doormats tend to praise their lack of assertiveness as though it were a virtue.

I disagree that it is a virtue. One can be a good person and still say "No" when it is necessary.

 

Wanted to clarify, is all.

[rocio]

^ I agree 100%