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Hello all. I've really tried to get away from everything and now its really been awhile. Its been 7 months since we broke up and probably about 3 since we had regular contact.

 

She contacted me right after thanksgiving and things went well. Then a few weeks later she blew up at me again and we havent spoken since.

 

Stupidly I will admit, I saw some guy on her myspace page and his AIM screen name. I put it on my buddylist just to check it out (my stupid mind) and needless to say the guy had some program that tells you who has you on their buddy list. She found out and went crazy on me (which I admit I deserve)

 

That was the last time we talked. The only other time since October was after thanksgiving and we had a good conversation and things went well for the first time in a long time. Note that both these talks were online.

 

Well now that I've really taken myself out of everything I think I can see a lot more clearly just what was going on with us.

 

I pinpointed where I thought things really started to get bad. One of my exes called me, she had called me ever since we broke up probably 3-4 years ago. Very infrequently but just once in awhile. We are friends and nothing more, we talk about what is going on in our lives and just try and help each other out.

 

I told my girlfriend that she had called me, of course she didnt like that at all, but assured her that she almost never talks to me and not to worry that I only needed her. That was fine until she saw me talking online and asked who I was talking to, i kind of pulled the computer away because it was this ex and I didnt want her to get the wrong idea. Little did I know that was the wrong thing to do. She then grabbed for my phone and tried to rip it out of my hand and I wouldnt let her. She then asked me to look at AIM logs that I had. I said sure. She looked at it and saw that I had spoken to the ex a few months earlier and said that it was good to talk to her again.

 

My girlfriend immediatley broke down in tears and didnt say anything for probably a good half hour, I didnt know what to do. I tried to reassure her it was nothing, that she was just a friend but now I know that this is probably when I lost her. She mentioned after that that she felt different, and I really see that as when things finally got out of control.

 

We were having fights more often about the stupidest of things, bed sheets being on correctly, who was going to drive where, who had money, what we were going to do on a certain night, watch on tv, where each other was.

 

Around this time I also had thoughts in my mind what it would be like with someone else. The fighting was wearing on me, but I never seriously thought about being with anyone else. I loved her with all my heart and wanted to improve everything.

 

One of the last days we were together we had another major blowup. I wanted to take her out for breakfast, I tried to take her to this place I liked. We went late because she woke up late. The place was then closed and she started to get mad at me saying we should have gone where she said instead. I really got upset and told her that we should go and just get it over with, I had this thing hanging over my head and I didnt want it to be anymore. She then told me to drive her home but I stopped and talked to her and told her I was sorry that I just lost it and we ended up agreeing to just go to the place where she wanted after we stayed at my house for a bit. We didnt talk much that day and a few days later things seemed to be ok, it seemed like the fight had passed just like always, we exchanged love yous and everything but then it was over the next day.

 

I now see that both of us lost ourselves in each other. She wouldnt admit to it, but I can see it was both of us. I only cared about her, everything else was just a blur. We saw each other pretty much every day for a good period of time and if not everyday then 4 out of 7 days a week. I would come home on a thursday night from school and spend until monday morning with her. Or she would come up to my place and basically just live with me.

 

Another point in time I can think of that hurt us was when she was having trouble in school and instead of being understanding about her wanting to stop going to school I really pushed on her to stay in school. I didnt listen to her reasoning, I told her stupid things out of anger like nobody would want to be with her if she didnt graduate college and that without a degree she would have a miserable life. I realize my mistakes now, unfourtantley again too late.

 

There was blame on both sides of the realationship, she shouldnt have basically cheated on me, I shouldnt have done some of the dumb things I did. Same with her. But in the end I feel like we shared something so special, we really did love each other.

 

I just want to know, what can I do now, in NC for approaching 2 months now, and realizing everything that I have. I still care for her.

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Hey ice-

 

My friend, if any situation in the history of anything warrants some firm, undeniable, and complete distance from each other it is this one.

 

Read what you wrote again. Read about the fits of anger, the control, your obsession with her in checking her MySpace page and favoriting a guy visiting her page. Some people might consider that cyber-stalking, no different from watching him from a parked car outside of his house really. The detail you describe regarding the situations between you two is concerning in both content and your motivation to write about such things, e.g., bed sheets and breakfasts. You are very much lost in the details of this, as you say.

 

You need to let go of this. You care about her. That's sweet. Now suck it up. What you desire in and from this woman is not going to happen. Accept it. Nothing is going to change here and if anything, this unhealthy situation will only get more unhealthy.

 

You can care about her away from her and the toxic situation rife with control, anger, and obsession issues. You tried being friends and you both made solid efforts to this end. But ice, that is simply not a healthy option for you right now, not even close, and the longer you continue to force a "friendship" like this, the more this condition will persist and the longer you will need to take apart from each other before a healthy friendship can be made.

 

It's time to make your prison break here ice. You've already cut the bars and jumped the fence, now keep running from the dogs and search team until you reach the border of indifference with this. Going back is not an option because you will end up right back in maximum security and likely get punished for not giving the warden what she wants, when she wants it, and how she wants it. If you feel the urge to check her MySpace page, turn your computer off or post here.

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I just had an awakening and wanted to let you know... After 15 days of NC and several hard days of waiting and hoping to have a second chance with my ex, a cousin of mine just told me a cold, hard fact: "Maybe she does not want to get back with you, have you ever considered that option? You better think it's all over and let true healing begin" It hit me like a bucket of cold water... I never really, I mean REALLY considered that option, or I decided not to acknowledge it. But as soon as I decided to accept that, I started to feel so much better. Instead of waiting for her to call, now I can accept my fate and get on back with my life.

Deciding to believe that everything is lost is pretty much like buying yourself a brand-new lease on life. So from now on NC whatsoever, but not like a strategy, I will stop counting the days.

If she comes back looking for another try, I'll just take it from there, if I decide it is convenient or in my best interest.

 

So please, stop checking Myspace, Hi5 or whatever, you will only feel worse. I even recommend not even logging into your own myspace, let if accumulate some dust for a while, nothing will happen! (been there, done that).

 

I hope it helps! And remember: "You are what you love, not what loves you" (i can't recall where I heard that, I think is from the movie Adaptation)

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Thanks guys. Yeah frisco thanks I know it was a bad situation but I felt it was time to come clean about everything instead of witholding facts about what happened.

 

I'm not the same person I was when I did that and I really do want her to know that. I want her to know that I still care about her and that all that stuff is the past now.

 

I know that the past is the past. I just want us to have a chance at whatever, clear of the past garbage. I want her to know that I'm not like I was. That i care about her and have fixed issues I had.

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Im sure she already knows what you feel for her. You have told her numerous times already.

And you cant just tell her you have changed and expect her to believe it right away. She needs to see it. And what best way that with NC!

Give yourself time to heal and say to yourself: "I am a good person and I deserve happiness" maybe its with your ex, maybe it isnt. Dont let the challenge of getting back with your ex be so important in your life, continue with your life and plans.

I say to myself now: "I have plans for my life and I will do them with or without this person"

 

I hope it works for you, but hang on! you are doing great!

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Ice-

 

I don't think you've fully let go of her, the situation between you two, or what you think you can have with this woman. Until you do that, here, in your specific situation, you are going to continue to circle back to painfully familiar territory with this, like you are approaching now.

 

You are simply not going to get what you want here, not right now. This situation is far from clear from "past garbage", as you put it, and in many senses, this past garbage is not garbage at all...it is very indicative of what the future chemistry will be like between you two. The explosions of anger and frustration, the control, the obsessive behaviors, just because you have changed does not mean the situation between you two will change.

 

First and foremost, you need to find comfort and peace with the notion of making true distance here, which you have not yet done in my opinion. Have you done this?

 

Then you should take steps to make the distance here, starting with discontinuing to look at her MySpace page. I think that is a major restraint for you here, smoking her MySpace page crack pipe.

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I totally agree with friscodj... only you can know when its time to fully let go. Distance is so important. And looking at her Myspace, her pictures, or even her new nick in MSN won't let you achieve that distance and will make you have doubts and feel pain.

 

Every day I feel an urge to know anything new about her, but every day that urge becomes weaker. Hang in there!

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I have been doing alot better. Now when I get the urges to look at her myspace/facebook pages. I stop myself and tell myself why? Why do I need to do that? What is going to come of it? And I have been able to restrain myself where in the past I gave in.

 

There has been good distance, this is the longest we havent talked. Almost 2 months now. After only talking once the prior 2 months.

 

I havent done any of that stuff for awhile now. I focused on me and what I had to do. I threw myself into school work, making myself better and reconnecting with friends. So far I am proud of the accomplishments I have made. I still have work to do, but I am far far better then I was when she left and even then when we last talked.

 

I just still think about her and still care for her, we really loved each other alot and I just wanted to know what to do, how to go about things when there was distance and I feel I had gotten over and addressed alot of the problems that i saw within myself and in the relationship.

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good job iceman!

Something good always comes out of hard things like a breakup. You just proved yourself you can stop your obessive behavior and make life easier for you. I can relate to you, I always had the compulsion to cling, hurting myself and driving the other person away. But this last time I was tenacious from the beginning, and I think that experience has made me grow as a person and gain more self-respect.

 

Keep up the good work and focus on yourself

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